"A chemical imbalance" is really quite a funny term, because we all have slight chemical "variations" in our bodies. I mean... I'm not so sure if the doctor that decied my "variation" turned out to be an "imbalance" was just some goddamn excuse for him to put me on some dope. 90% of everything is mental(how could it not be? our mind controls the rest of our organs...), tibetan yogis and monks and crazy shit learn how to control the chemical responses in their brains and bodies and can learn to change their brain waves and everything. Scientifically proven... and... I don't see why they should be able to change their chemical "variations", but I can't change my "imbalance". I mean... they just learned long ago that our mind is our greatest and most powerful tool, we would rather believe that we have certain "imbalances" that need "correcting" through the use of drugs that get prescribed to us by some doctor, who probably honestly believes he's doing the right thing. I mean... what did people do when there wasn't any prozac, and valium, and xanax, and celexa, and clonziapan(sp?), and all that shit? Did they just start freaking out and killing each other? ...No... they learned to deal with their "problems". As far as I'm concerned, it's just another piece of me that makes me. I wouldn't be who I am today without it. Would I be a better person had I not had this "imbalance"? Who knows? Not me, I can't go back in time and change shit, and I'm not going to worry about it. I love the mentality of how you agree with me, but your fighting me at the same time, because you want to justify to yourself that what you are doing to yourself is right. Go right ahead. I don't really give a good goddamn what any body does, I was just trying to help. Give my opinion, you know? I don't think I'm wrong, I've had the experience to back the things that I say and the way that I feel. Have I transgressed farther to being "balanced" than you? Fuck... who knows, but I don't feel as bad about shit as I did before, because instead of just hoping and expecting this drug to help me, I've realized that the drug is just a damn drug, and to REALLY change the way that I think and operate, I have to be willing and ready to do so.
It was a really hard decision for me to stop doing all those prescriptions, I felt like I was giving up at the time. I also felt I had no choice though, because things were out of control, they were really fucking with my head (bupropin(wellbutrin) is a fucked up drug), and I had to stop to be able to continue(or at least try) my normal life. I mean... when your in high school, your anxiety is getting worse by the day(I was to the point where I spent most of my day trying to hide the extreme amount of sweat that was pouring from my body because I was worried about people seeing me sweat(see the vicious cycle? silly, right?)), and you can barely operate, you have no friends, you spend your evenings at home, alone, in front of your computer(to try and find friends), well... then you've almost given up hope, and your wondering why things are so bad when everyone is trying to tell you this should be the best time of your life. When I hit the bottom then, I had a mental breakdown(several, really), and I tried to kill myself. That's why I decided I HAD to stop, because... I had put all my hope in this silly drug, and when it didn't do what I wanted... well... I tried to take my own life, and I don't ever want to be like that again. My life is not deigned by a drug. Drugs do not make me, do not control me, and I will never ever give myself in to them.
Well... I decided then that I was going to stop all that shit, and instead of worry about everything, I was just going to stop caring. Worry had become the center of my life, and I did nothing else. Of course I didn't have any friends, who would want to sit and listen to me worry and complain? No one. Well... I did that, I went from one extreme to the other. I spent the next 2 years(or so) getting involved in insanity. I did drugs, I drank(almost every day), I smoked, I stopped going to school, I stopped caring, I only cared about the drugs again. Only this time, it was for a different reason. I realized that... wow... because of my change in attitude, I had ended up at the same end as before. So... by worrying about everything... I ended up getting screwed by drugs and trying to kill myself. When I decided that was stupid, and I stopped caring, and I let go, I ended up getting screwed way worse by the drugs this time, and I tried to kill myself again. Coke is bad for you, probably one of the worst things in the world. I mean, honestly, sometimes I'm surprised the drugs didn't kill me. I snorted 6 grams of some damn good cocaine in less than 2 hours between me and my buddy. I thought my heart was going to stop. I've been drugged to STUPID degrees. I took a bottle of cough syrup containing approx 338(I think) mg of dextromethorphan, and 1.1 g of pseudoephedrine, after I downed that I took 22 benadryl. Then, I drank, smoked, and generally got more jacked up than I've ever been in my life. I've read about it... that combination probably should've killed someone of my size(there's a lot of liver hatred in that bizarre combination).
So... because of all the drugs in America(legal, illegal), I've racked up two suicide attempts and at least one "almost-killed-myself" type of situation. Well... it's been a little while since all that happened, now, and while I still smoke and drink (a little, probably still "a little" too much), I'm slowly bringing myself away from that lifestyle. Well, in comparison to the things I've done and seen in the last 3-4 years of my life, nothing seems all that important any more. Hell, I'm glad to be alive, I'm glad I'm not completely addicted, and I'm glad I can "say no" to almost any crap any body will EVER offer me. Besides the killing of myself I almost acheived several times, I also almost got killed in a few situations(guns, drugs, angry people, bad deals, etc.), too. Now, in light of all this crap... I won't rely on drugs to help me, legal, illegal, whatever. When I was in the height of my drug habit, when things got REAL bad, was when I started pill popping. Prescription drugs are FUUUUCKED up. Especially pain killers(opiates). We got our hands on some oxycotin... that was bad news. I smoked it, snorted it, ate it, almost everything you could do to it. Every different form of ingestion gets you fucked up in a different way. It was like heroin... it was great. That was probably the worst I got(except when I was on speed), and it was from a prescription they gave my friend because he got in a car accident.
So, in conclusion: drugs bad, freedom of thought good.
I just will never understand the "It's not my fault, I'll blame it on something I can't control" sort of mentality. Only you have control over you, and not anyone or anything else. "Well, it's not my fault, I was born this way!" you say, but I can't hear you because I'm helping a friend of mine who was born with dyslexia try to read. At least he will try to change his life, instead of hoping some drug will do it for him. You think all those drugs weren't addictive? Don't you think it was hard to stop taking them? Don't you think that they affected the chemicals in my brain, too, don't you think they may have made things a little more "imbalanced"? Well.. I still quit them, I don't need them. Just like I don't need prescription crap, lies in a goddamn bottle, false hope in a little orange plastic canister with a goddamn child proof lid. The only thing that will ever be able to help you be free is yourself. Sometimes I regret all the shit I've been through, but honestly, I'm glad I went through it. Maybe without it, I wouldn't have ended up this way. I'm proud to be who I am, high school drop out or not, and that was all I was ever truly lacking before: confidence, belief in myself, trust in life. Simple things, simple ideas, trust and belief. I still get anxious, I still have attacks, I still get depressed, I still sometimes question myself and my beliefs... but I realized I'm human, and we all do that, some of us just do it in a little more extreme ways than others, and we have to realize this and learn to live with ourselves.
This all I have to say after all that shit:
Fuck drug reliance.
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