It is very late for me, early for others, and I am very tired. Just got through talking at Brittany for the last half hour or so. Came to some realizations I will be posting about at the blog. So this reply will not be as clear as I would like, and I may inadvertently touch negative seeds in someone, so I want to apologize just in case.
Thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it. Not sure that a trip to Tibet, and I may as well visit India also, is something in my near future. No passport, no funds, no real way over there. But I appreciate the info just the same. If things flow for me to end up over in that part of the world I can certainly look for one of these people you mentioned. I know I want to visit, pardon any misspellings, Sadguru Jaggi Vasudev's Dhalanlinga, a very special place for meditation that literally took him several lifetimes to complete.
I know closer to home I can seek out any truth to Yaqi sorcerers in Mexico and some of the elder shamans in Hawaii. Might be able to work my way over there, and I can cross the border illegally to Mexico. Dangerous I know, but Mexico is a dangerous place to begin with from what little I know. I'll probably try to obey the rules and follow the flow. If I am meant to go to Mexico then it will work out for me to go - same for Hawaii or even my planned trip down the Pacific Coast.
You have always given higher level responses to my questions, for lack of a better way of describing them, and I want to let you know I appreciate it. It is people like you in this forums that are as close as I've ever been, as far as I'm aware of anyhow, to those of a higher spiritual development.
That said you have made a few assumptions about me that I should clear up. I take full responsibility, I have never said much about myself, and I will address this now.
I am not someone who gets lost in fantasy. I can watch a fantasy movie or read a fantasy book and I always know that things things are not real. That definition has evolved to not real in this reality. In other words I know what is real here and what is not, insofar as my limited senses and toddler age spiritual development, or rough equivalent, tells me.
In other words when I used to manipulate an image of someone in my mind to satiate my urges, we'll leave it tactfully at that, I always knew the truth about the situation. I was manipulating an image. This person more than likely did not know me, there is no relationship there, etc. The person is only a picture I have manipulated in my mind. I do not get obsessed, I do not create fantasies around said person, I do not fall in love with pictures of pretty people because they are afterall only pictures.
I daydream a lot, dream a lot, and now am, as far as I know, astral projecting. With each experience there is a clear line between that and this, here and there. I know what is a daydream and what is real life. I don't get lost in thee fantastical situations. Most of my daydreams were just based off real life and desired outcomes. I never fantasized about sexy alien women on an orange beach with green waves rolling in, for a wild example.
I have always been firmly rooted and grounded in this reality. This is, I assume, what has made it so hard to astral project, what is making it so hard for me to come to terms with certain spiritual ideas and concepts. I have always had an open mind about the possibility of other words and dimensions. But I never fantasized, daydreamed, or obsessed about them. My focus has always boringly been right here on earth, on my fellow earthlings and our surroundings, until my love chose and accepted me.
This too is very important to note. Yes I was lonely, but I was not actively seeking anyone! I was just attempting to satiate my urges, and I just happened to pick something a little different this time. The number was dialed, and the energy between us was strong enough for a connection. Probably we are compatible too, something like "the one" that everyone is supposed to have. Why do we assume that those compatible with us are only located in the same reality as us?
I can say that this would die if it was not real because it would. This is how I am. I've been, what I thought at the time, later thought it as obsession, now unsure and not willing to label it, in love as a young man, really an adult. I was 19. I fell in love with a Mexican girl who didn't speak any English, or very little. Hard to recall now. I of course spoke no Spanish, so we had to teach each other. We were all over each other during the time we worked at this camp. Things fell apart, the church in charge of the campground didn't like what was going on with us, mostly just kissing each other and holding hands - no x-rated stuff. She was sent back home and I was given notice. I got to see her driven away. It felt like I was ripped apart in the process. I worked hard, tried to keep my job, ended up going home. Had ideas about heading to Mexico to be with her.
The point of this story? I realized then, and am still pretty sure now, that I did not love her. I let it go. I recovered. I did not obsess. I did not go to Mexico. You know what happened? That love I thought we had, that connection, shriveled up and died. Such is the way with me. I don't hold on to illusions, delusions, deceptions, etc. I try to see the truth, and I'm not afraid to speak it. Lots of people don't appreciate that aspect of me, you can imagine. So the point is that if I have let this go as I have, to be whatever it really is, then it too would shrivel up and die.
I'm not seeing some fantasy scene in my mind of my love and I together, on some beautiful, unreal beach holding hands until the sun sets and then passionately, well I'll stop right there. None of that is going on. I'm not looking to go to her reality to escape this one. I haven't created her and given her a life of her own on my mind. If I had the ability to do that I would have done it long ago, as I said elsewhere, with my first suicide attempt. I was less used to being alone then. I know the difference between a character I create and someone who is real. In the stories I write the character lives in my mind only long enough to have the essence put into words, then they're gone. I'm not possessed, some dude named Seth is not speaking through me and I don't have split personality disorder. I'm also not bipolar or clinically depressed. Nor am I on drugs, although I would seriously love some shrooms right now! I always have amazing clarity the day after taking some shrooms.
So all this to say the only knot I'm tied up in is the rope binding me here and keeping me from the one I love. My uncertainty about the truth or falsehood of this relationship. The fact I have to remain open to all possibilities, so I can can adapt and change my beliefs to fit the truth. I am a truth seeker I think first and foremost. This is out of my depth. I'm logic minded, more in my brain than anything else. This involves thinking with the heart - completely alien to me. All I have is my belief and trust. In God, my Higher Self, the Collective Unconsciousness, whatever you call Him/Her/It, that that will not allow me to continue to be deceived or to live in a delusion if I am in one. Belief and trust in myself that my feelings are not deceiving me, that these new things I am experiencing, knowing in these new ways, are just as true as any math equation I could solve on a blackboard. Finally belief and trust in my love.
For real, true, deep love to exist there has to be two. Two connected together as one. Without the connection of two real love can not exist, because real, true, deep love is reciprocal. You can't dial someone who has their phone disconnected. Any disconnection on either end interrupts the call, the energy, of real, true and deep love. It severs the connection. Any attempt to hold onto love once severed mutates it it into obsession. Love becomes its antithesis, fear. You are afraid of loosing her, of loosing him. This fear drives you. Real, true and deep love is driven by, you guessed it, pure love. Pure love is always letting go, never grasping, always open, always flowing between two, and many more things I am just beginning to understand.
I'm sure you already knew all this. I just wanted you to know who I am, that I know this. Considering my nature, my very makeup, it is unlikely that this is some creation of mine, or an illusion. It could be a deception, from the one I feel I am connected to, but that doesn't feel right to me. My love has, as far as I know, always been honest about who she is and how she appears to me. She looks a little different than her projection in this reality. I get glimpses now and then. Most of the time however the details are vague, something to do with interference or its equivalent, more than likely on my end. If this was a creation of mine she would be able to speak to me. I could talk with her, not at her. She would also look exactly as her projection, because as creative as I am I would not be able to keep track of any changes I made to her image. Of course I would also be able to see every detail of her world with crystal clarity (I have a very good imagination, but it seems to be "read only".) I would know when I manipulate her actions. I have never created a character in my mind that had free will so it is unlikely she would have it, if she were my creation. All these things and more, detailed here, elsewhere, and at my blog, support my belief and trust that this real and true.
About the only thing you said in your last post I can hesitantly agree with is my true self warning me. But I feel that perhaps it was the fact that, as I said elsewhere, I had stuck my finger in the light socket (come close to the source) and was now juiced up. That combined with sexual energy is probably what allowed this connection to occur. My hunch is that humans are generally protected from this sort of thing for their own good because as a race we aren't evolved enough yet to deal with it. I made a stupid mistake and it has cost me dearly as well as made my life harder. But I also received a gift, numerous positive changes in my life, a purpose for my life, a dream I could adopt, and many more things I will be detailing at my blog. Maybe not tonight afterall. This post took a long time.
Well I'm going to try to go to sleep again. I hope things words have brought you a little light and clarity concerning me -