Hopeless Wanderings

Hey dream journal, old friend.

I was in my old neighborhood, walking up to my old house. I had left some of my clothes and things there and asked the male owner if he would let me in. He agreed. I went to my room and there was so much stuff left behind, I didn't know how I would get to it all. But then I noticed beneath me was the wife of the new house owner, and she was dead and curled up in some floorboards. She had killed their daughter. Then, the scene changed. She was alive, but deeply regretting her life. We(this is when I sort of "became" her) were on a tall tower in the heart of the city of Mke. We were trying to run up to the top to jump off, tears streaming down our face. That's when T showed up. I don't remember if she said anything, but she disappeared and that's when I closed my eyes, still sobbing, and begged her to come back, "please, please, T, I need you."

I'm wondering if dreaming of leaving things at my old house has something to do with missing my past and the neighborhood I grew up in. Like, a part of me still lives there. As for the rest of the dream, I have no idea.

I had the most depressing dream ever last night and I just have to record it.

My sister committed suicide. I was torn up. I couldn't stop crying. I was SO devastated. My parents were devastated to but they didn't seem as upset as me. I was just.. I don't know how to describe it. The feeling was AWFUL. Crying, crying, and more crying. I woke up still feeling the sadness.

It felt SO real that when I woke up I still felt like something was wrong, so I got in touch with her(she seemed ok). This dream made me realize that I don't know what I'd do if she died, I'd just be torn to pieces.

short entry, don't remember much.

My brother, who appears to be a slim guy around 18 years old with dirty blond hair, is trying to kill himself, and I keep crying and crying and trying to stop him. My dad is there too and I think we're both trying to get to him but we can't reach him. It's a very emotional dream. I don't know if he ends up going through with it.

Did I mention that I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BROTHER(not even a half-brother)?
but it felt SO real. weird.
Now I'm convinced I have a secret brother out there somewhere.. which could definitely be true as my dad was a... donor. yeah. ok. im done now.

It's Brittany's birthday and I'm trying to get her some presents. I ended up getting her a 20$ Target gift card and blond hair dye & toner because she wanted to dye her hair blond.

Lately 90% of my dreams have been super emotional, like about suicide or murder or just... emotional things.

Not sure if these dreams connect but first I was pet-sitting dogs with my mom and then I was a little girl(not myself) and fed up with life, or something. I don't quite remember what led me to this, if it was the shitty pet-sitting or what, but I went to a cliffside and decided to jump off into the water. I woke up in the hospital and realized my body was half metal. The doctor had saved me, but with a cost. My mom(not my real mom, the little girl's mom) was with me. My body felt foreign and weird and it was hard to control it. Months, years went by as I remained trapped in the hospital.

One time, I had to use the bathroom. This is gonna sound gross, but when I tried to go it was like.. it sprayed everywhere because I couldn't control my new body. Yeah. Anyway, when I left the bathroom stall I saw Ashley from Revenge and some fine-looking man. I realized I was dreaming. I wanted to attempt a TOTM but I couldn't think of what it was, I only remembered the one from last month, which was to ask for a joke, which I didn't do. Ash started talking dirty to me and then I ended up with the guy.. yeah.

So then I have a flashback to when I jumped off the cliff, but this time I notice that my doctor is there, and he's the one that convinced me to jump. So I realized it was his fault all along that I ended up half-cyborg. He wanted to experiment on me so he made me do this. I was pissed. Also, during this scene, I was an observer, and I saw myself try to jump off the cliff and a boy(maybe 14 years old) try to stop me from jumping and it made me smile.

Then, I was back in the hospital with my mom and she was annoying me. I shouted at her, "It's almost my eighteenth birthday(wow I was in there for a long time)! Go away!" implying that once I turned 18 I would have nothing to do with her.

I skipped a few days writing down my dreams because I haven’t been sleeping very well but I’m up north now and sleeping like a rock.

-Harry Potter dream where I’m trying to defeat the Dark Lord

D1: I was at some train tracks with 3 other people who I didn’t know but had met in the dream. I was watching them cross the train tracks and trains were coming from both sides(there were two sets of tracks). I yelled for them to hurry up but they were taking their sweet time. They made it across, but I noticed this man, maybe in his late 60’s, sitting on the tracks. I didn’t know if he was there on purpose or if he was going to move at the last second, so I just watched. The train hit him.

Now I was at my house, it was a flashback to before the man had died. I had a “feeling” that he was in danger, kinda like Allison Dubois from tv show Medium. I called his number, which was only two numbers, 75. My dad tried to stop me because he didn’t want me to bother him, but I had to call. He answered. “Hello” he mumbled, sounding very depressed. “I uh.. just wanted to know if you’re okay. It’s perfectly fine if you’re not okay, and I have a strong feeling you’re not.” He says nothing and hangs up.

D2: I was in a waterpark and this girl was telling about her experience drowning. I was transported to a very, very large pool with a huge drop off from the edge of the pool to the water, and very deep water(maybe 100-200 feet). I was terrified. Some time during this dream I was drowning and it felt like I couldn't breathe. I was thinking about how I have a phobia of deep pools and was wondering if there was a word for the phobia, but I realized I was dreaming. The dream wasn’t very stable so I rubbed my hands together and then I yelled “CLARITY” and it kinda felt like I yelled that in RL too. I knew I would lose the dream soon so I decided to jump off the edge because I wasn’t scared anymore. It was a very peaceful, relaxing feeling and then I woke up in a FA and tried to write down my dream.

-I was driving by places surrounded by fluffy cotton-like low clouds and I wanted to get out and go run through them

-my(?) cat gave birth to one kitten

I was with a class field trip in high school(4 years later and still having HS dreams) somewhere with a huge lake, so big you couldn’t see the other side. I was on a small raft near the shore when I saw that someone’s boat had caught fire, so I went to go help. There was a man, a woman, and I think a little boy. The people on the boat were hesitant to get off the boat because they didn’t want to leave their stuff behind but I somehow dragged them off. One of them took my ipod and threw it in the water because they thought it was useless. I was pissed, but later I went underwater and retrieved it and it still worked.

I was with this guy from my class who had a high suicide risk. You were able to look up someone’s suicide risk online. There was a meter ranging from 0-100% with the 100% in the red zone. I said something to this guy but it made it worse and his risk was 90%.

Then, I decided that I would kill myself. I told some guy to stand at a lookout point with a gun(like the kind snipers use) and I would give him a signal when to shoot me. I then stood at a high point overlooking the lake with my friends(D,N,B, ?), who were sitting on a bench looking out at the lake. I left them a note. One one side, it said how much I loved them. On the other side, it explained exactly what I was doing, why, and how sorry I was. I read them the first side, put it on the bench next to them, then stood at the edge.

I was shot and fell forward into the lake. Titanic music started playing(I looked the song up – Titanic Soundtrack- Never An Absolution) as I sank to the bottom. The water was a crimson red(maybe from the gunshot wound?) and at the bottom I saw a decaying body of a young girl. The music continued and half the time I was underwater and the other half I was above shore watching my friends freak out and try to figure out what had just happened. Weirdly, it was kind of a peaceful feeling for me.



I “woke up” in my bed and couldn’t see. When I tried to open my eyes, I would open my eyes in RL(or in another dream?) so I kept them closed and eventually I was able to see. I went into the living room and everything was very clear. I went outside and was prepared to do something fun but then the cat woke me up.

I also had a lucid yesterday where I couldn't see and kept trying to open my eyes but when I did I would open them in RL so I woke up.

I say this every time but I haven't posted in forever. I've been having really vivid dreams lately and I think it's from the new vertigo med I'm on. I'm really enjoying them, although they can be a bit strange. And I can never remember them when I wake up. So I'm just going to post this one since it was.. umm... yeah.

don't remember the beginning of this one. All I remember was walking into the bathroom and finding an old friend in the bathtub trying to drown herself. I ran towards her as fast as I could but it was like slow motion. I jumped in the tub and pulled her out and put my arms around her. She was crying. "It's alright," I kept saying. I yelled for x friend to tell friend in bathtub's mom and I think she did. Sometime after that she was feeling better and we were hanging out doing something I can't remember. Eventually her mom came.

well I suppose I'll post another one from last night. I was in Walmart searching for Christmas presents for everyone. I found a bunch of cheap Knick Knacks for TPLSG goodie bags and a fish book for my dad. Then there was a race starting for people to pick up things for a dollar, which was mostly candy. The race started and I got a huge bag of m&ms for that price. It was a steal. The end.

I was in a huge house having a good time(don't remember what I was doing) until something happened that made people turn on each other. I was with this guy who kept killing other guys and hiding the bodies in an elevator, which was covered in urine and vomit. Apparently this fight started when a space craft went down(not sure exactly what happened). So there was a lot of fighting. And in the final fight, it was 2 against 2. We were throwing stuff at each other and one of the things was liquid cyanide. I got sick of fighting and decided I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away and grabbed a bottle of cyanide and dripped some into my mouth and went into the house. A girl who was fighting saw me and told the others and they all ran to find me. I went down this super long hallway and stood behind a sculpture. I then started to drink more of the cyanide until the people caught up with me. One guy stuck his hand down my throat and made me puke it up. Hey, at least it made them stop fighting, right? The end.

short dream

I was inside my house and I looked out the front window and saw a man with a rope around his neck, the rope tied to the tree in my front yard. He was ready to hang himself. I ran outside to him and yelled "Dont!" and he said something like, "but I don't want to live anymore" and I was going to try to talk him out of it but I realized that I had no idea what to say.. but apparently I figured something out because he didn't go through with it.

I wish I remembered more of this dream

I was standing on the shore of an ocean. it was foggy and I was looking out to sea. I don't remember this but I think I went out as far as I could and drowned (on purpose?). I was then in space, something guiding me (God?) and we zoomed throughout the universe. I saw stars and galaxies and it was amazing. Then I appeared in this room full of guitars. Some of them had broken strings. They represented people's lives. Then, I asked if there was a place to go rollerblading in heaven. I appeared outside on a smooth tarmac and there was this girl rollerblading like an ice skater. I joined her and it was fun

I wanted to die.

I was with my friends and we arranged a date to die. We told our parents and they accepted our decision. Eventually, we arrived at this pond/mini lake/idk what to call it. It was me, Niki, Aubrey, Brittany, and Dani. Two of them tried drowning themselves but it didn't work so we arranged another date. This time, we would jump off a cliff together. It took a bunch of delays, but eventually we arrived at this cliff. All our parents were there, crying. But it was like they accepted it. They would let us kill ourselves. During this dream, I woke up several times but would fall back asleep and return to it. Unfortunately, we never got to jump. But I would have loved to..

Let's run away
To a place no one can find us
Because no one would dare to look
Where we are going
There is no pain, no fear
A place so far away
No one could reach us
Once we leave
We will never be able
To come back
Because
You can't come back
From death

regular dreams: 9-6-10

The first two dreams are from several nights ago and they are kinda depressing/disturbing. I don't really know why I had these dreams, probably from watching too many scary movies or something. The last dream is from last night. I can't remember much so they are just fragments.

Rape
I don't know who's house we were at, mine or someone else's. There was this middle aged woman there, with curly brown hair. I was just standing there watching as this guy was creeping around the outside of the house trying to break in. I called the cops but the line was busy and they never came. The guy got in the house and raped her right in front of me. This happened multiple times, it was like the dream was repeating itself and I couldn't change the outcome.

My Suicide
I was in my room and I'm not sure why but I wanted to die. So I think I took some pills or maybe cut my wrists, I don't remember. There were some people trying to get in my room and help me but they couldn't. I knew that I wouldn't die no matter what because I think part of me might have known that I was in a dream and I can't get injured in dreams. So all I really remember is sitting on the floor in my room dying.. or not.

Late For Class
It was third block(hour, class, whatever) and I was at my locker talking to a friend. I had forgotten what class I had next and the time clock was counting down. I started freaking out and looked at my schedule and saw that I had accounting class next(I don't even take that class in real life) and it was downstairs. So I hurriedly walked to the back of the school and to the right to a staircase(even though there's not one there in real life) and got to class like 5 minutes after the bell rang. But it didn't matter because the teacher said he never takes attendance and didn't care. Then I realized that I might have early lunch instead of late so I didn't even know if I was supposed to be there.