lucid

Again, I'm behind. These next few dream entries are from what I have saved on my phone. Some may lack a little detail as I wont remember the feelings and such as strongly.

I'm at my mom's house, and she's drunk. She and dad kept bothering me. I remember the room being very dark, very ominous. I told mom she was drunk and to leave me alone. I feel guilty because I never call my mom out on her drinking, and it's clear she's upset when she walks away.

We jump to being in traffic with Kelli, Kevin, and Don. Traffic is heavy and Kevin is pissed, so we take shortcuts. Down back alleys and up stairs. In his truck. Finally, we're at a new house. Dream Kevin's house. My two brothers are there (I made a note for myself here that said maybe abaddon's story. I have no idea what that means but it was important enough for me to include...) and I'm upset. Maybe the house is haunted?

At this point the notes don't make that much sense to me. I have no idea what this dream was about but I figured I'd leave it in case something comes back to me.

Brother - Aiden - has had enough. We were supposed to watch pitch perfect 2 cut scenes and behind the scenes but his gf comes over and they go to bed (kevin's room) I tell him I'm going to bed and start crying and he does nothing. Upset. He comes back out and a knock at a door I think is a closet. It's not, it's a second front door. Older couple and someone come in. Leave?

Another knock woman comes in pregnant. She comes in she's upset she's pregnant, she turns into my cat. I slowly become lucid. Realize it's a dream and before I wake up I wanna be annoying. Scare and annoy my cat with my shoes. (?) Terrorize animals and then realise it's times to get up. Make myself wake up.

Again, I really suck at keeping a dream journal because I either always startle awake and lose most of the dream, or I'm just lazy and don't write anything down. But this dream has stuck with me for like two months now and I want to share it, mainly hoping someone might have some insight? Opinions? I dunno. It just freaked me out.

I don't remember much because I woke up so terrified I was on the verge of crying. What I do remember, though, is an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I'm at my boyfriends house, and we're having a normal day. Watching the game and folding laundry. I remember he's sitting across from me, and he checks the time. He makes this face like, 'huh, that time already', and he stands up. He shuts off the TV, and for a while he just stands still. I'm staring up at him perplexed because we never shut off the game. Ever. And he just turns and walks towards his room and motions for me to follow.

"What's going on?" I ask him as I come around the corner, and I freeze. He's standing by his bed holding his shotgun, and he looks almost apologetic.

"We need to kill ourselves today, remember?"

I just stare at him. He's so calm, and I'm being calm, but again terror is flooding me and I begin to internally panic.

"What do you mean? I don't want to kill myself!" And I remember having a distinct fear of dying. I am terrified to die.

This is very, very interesting for me, because IRL death doesn't scare me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal or anything, but the thought of death intrigues me and fascinates me, and never in my life have I EVER been afraid of dying. Ever. It's not a fear for me. The few times I've been in actual life-or-death situations my literal inner monologue was 'huh. well, whatever happens, happens.' So for me to have a fear towards death was so perplexing enough it actually snapped me into lucidity immediately.

But the weird thing was, even being lucid, I wasn't able to staunch the paralyzing fear of dying. Even though I knew that I was dreaming and I knew I shouldn't be afraid of death because I normally am not, I couldn't it.

So at this point my boyfriend has his shotgun and he sits on the bed. There's a bit in between I don't recall, but the overwhelming fear of dying is constant. I remember sitting on the bed, and he hands me the shotgun.

"Go first. Kill yourself and I'll be right behind you."

I had an overwhelming urge to run. Up until I was lucid, committing suicide had been the goal of my dream self. And now that I was lucid and I wanted to live, I couldn't change the outcome of the dream. I remember holding the shotgun and crying because I was so scared to die.

When I woke up, I was crying. It took me almost an hour to calm down, and when I did, I couldn't shake the fear of death. Once I woke up the next morning the fear itself was gone, but the feeling of that dream followed me all day.