JonBingus

In my dreams last night, my mind crafted for me a perfect tragedy. I will recite it now.

It begins with a simple thing. I am going to university, and it is my first day on campus. I am moving into my new dorm room. It's on the ground floor of a nice building I've never seen before, but as I'm bringing my bags in I realise that I am on a floor that is filled to the brim with pretty ghetto dudes, like my childhood neighbourhood. I have no problem with it as long as I stay unharmed. I get my bags and head to my room, not sure of what to expect. On the way down the hall, however, one guy starts paging me, asking me to give him my knife. This is because before going to bed I was thinking about the rap battle on Hollywood boulevard I had when that guy asked for my sunglasses.

I gave him the knife so he'd leave me alone and went about unpacking. The first day we had off, so I went to the movies. The theatre was full of people playing this iPhone app that was all about sex and crime and loaning money and making money. I'd never seen it before but it was like the next Pokemon go. Just as the movie started, some hoodlums went backstage and started screwing around with the operation, so they shut the movie off. I was hitting on the mum next to me but she had her sons with her and she had to keep it tame. After 5 minutes I just gave up on the film and left. I was going back to my room when I realised something. This app was more than a game, it used real world money and pretty much encouraged actual crimes to take place to offset the virtual ones made. As I walked down the hall the guy who took my pocket knife was begging another guy for a 3% loan. The dude shook him off, so he started following me along with another dude. They started yelling about how hard their fathers worked to get the money for them to attend this school. They told me to give them my easy money. I told them to kindly fuck off and make their own. They grabbed me and pulled knives. Somehow, in slow motion, I grabbed my knife from the guy then grabbed the other one, and stabbed them both to death while they held me tight. The knives moved in and out easily, and their grips slowly faded as they fell to the floor. What the fuck. I'm so fucked. I just killed two guys. I go to my room and call campus police, tell them I was being mugged and had to kill them. "Sounds like a likely story, two young black men attack you and you defend yourself, eh? You sure that's what happened there, son?" Fuck that guy. I'm no racist and I'm not about to go down for it. I flag down the officers he calls in, explain it to them every step of the way, and get the fuck out of there.

Then the story changes. Somewhere along the road after that incident, I bumped into Anna Kendrick. I saw her in a movie last night and was thinking about her a lot before bed, and here she was. I thought she'd be a huge diva in person, but this version of her was just so sweet and amazing. Like a movie character. And suddenly it was my life. I pulled off some grandiose romancing and managed to get the girl. She and I fit together like two peas in a pod, but more than anything she was just so beautiful I couldn't look away. After some time, we retired to my room. Passionately kissing her, we slowly disrobed, and I entered her.

And then I went soft.

For a man, this is pretty much one of the worst things that can happen. The anxiety that it causes pretty much secures the fact that you will not be recovering from this. She starts to blame herself, stating she isn't pretty enough, she isn't doing the right thing. I am just losing my mind. I'm still kissing her all over and generally enjoying having this absolute unicorn in my arms but I can also feel everything falling apart. We try and try, and we go to a hot tub and we try in there. Nothing. Finally, I say that I'll take the old man pill, and I know I have a couple left from when I did ecstasy and my guy gave me some as a 'backup'. I pull it out, pop one, and now I know we need to kill 30 minutes. A man comes from out of nowhere asking what I just did to the water, I try to explain it was a medication that I took but he thinks I poisoned the water, so we get out. We have lots of time anyway.

As soon as we get out of the hot tub, with the timing of a Shakespearean death, everything changes. Out of absolutely nowhere comes Javier Bardem. Before he speaks I know that something massive is about to happen and I can already feel the heartbreak. He approaches me as if he knows me. As if everybody knows me. I nod back to him, and he smiles. "Mr Bingus. Your work here has become most groundbreaking, and it has not been ignored by those in power. I have a proposition for you."

I know this feeling in my gut. Anna has her arm around me. She is shaken, confused, she just wants to go back to my room and feel loved, like it isn't her fault. I owe her this so much. I think to myself VERY clearly,
"No matter what he says, ignore it and go back with her. She is what matters. I am self-aware of this right now, and I will not allow this turn to ruin everything when I am so close to happiness."

Javier goes on to outline what it is he's offering me.
He tells me it will pay 2 million dollars.
Anna is very rich and money is no reason to leave her.
He explains that I will have a leading role in this.
Anna is my leading lady, I will be fine with just her.
He tells me there is a new research project opening up across the country, where all of the bright young minds in the nation are gathered together, living under one roof. And this is where I am to go.
It couldn't hurt to see what he's talking about. It sounds boring, and it might impress her. I agree to go see this place.

When we get there, it is basically everything I was not expecting. The first thing we see as we enter a classic old ratty residence is a room full of kids my age, all hanging out and playing music, exchanging scientific ideas. The ultimate creative session. Something I've never had. We walk further down the hallway and see art on the walls from the students. Very cool, I think. Then, at the end of the hall, I hear a familiar voice. And the voice pops its head around the doorframe. It's Anna. Anna M, from my actual life. The prettiest girl I know. She smiles, excited, and pulls me into the room.

"Check it out!"
"You're living here too?" I ask. I look around the room and Jessica is here too. And I can see other girls bags.
"Yep! And we're all rooming together. We're the film kids of this operation, and we're going to make a documentary about the amazing things that will happen here. And you've been chosen to direct it. We're your crew!" She gives me a big smile.

She hasn't seen Anna Kendrick yet. She's being very warm with me. I think to myself, how could this possibly get any better. A room of beautiful girls who will work under me, a whole community of the best of my generation. Against one girl. Then, as if god wanted to rub it further in my face, I look outside. Mustangs. Scooby vans. VW campers. It's the fucking 70's. This fucking town, for some reason, is still the 70's. That is why everything is so old here, the clothes so cool and the dorms so old school.
I look back at Anna Kendrick, who's in the room now, giving me this look like "Am I still worth it?" Her soul is being crushed. I am at such an extreme level of elation that I say the worst thing I've ever said to somebody.

"You know Anna when he came to the school to see me, I thought to myself, 'How could he possibly offer me something that would make me want to leave you?' Well, It's the 70s out there." I climbed out the window, jumped down to the road, and started checking out the cars. I want to start talking all about them with her, but before I even looked in the window I knew I'd made a huge mistake. I turned back and just started running.

I ran all the way back to my dorm, which I thought was across the country. I sprint down the hallways, around the corner and slam into the wall next to my door. I listen carefully and I can hear bags being packed. I open the door slowly, and she's right there. Immediately she starts to cry. I rush towards her, her hands coming up and her head shaking, thinking I would try a romantic kiss or something. Instead, I just hug her, hold her tighter than anyone in my life and just tell her how much I love her. How much I miss her and need her in my life. As we embrace, both crying, she says "I knew you would choose me over that shitty place." She breaks off and smiles, looking me deep in the eyes. Deep in my soul. She wants to kiss me. But this moment is empty. The moment she said that I knew in my heart of hearts that I could not choose her over what would certainly be the best time of my life. Her face starts to melt. I enter a powerful internal dialogue.

"She is convinced. She thinks my reality aligns with hers. I am drowning her, pissing on her soul. Pissing in her face."
As I say this, I see myself drag her unconscious body to the bathroom, drop her limp head in the toilet bowl and begin peeing on her face. This is the most fucked up, disrespectful thing I've ever done. And I'm not even in control.

"She is somewhere on the scale between love and devotion, and I have just come back, only to mix her a most powerful poison dart. Surely, this will kill her."
I slam the lid on her neck. Crush of bones.

I snap out of this freakish nightmare. I am still holding her. I can feel her heartbeat.
"Of course, Anna. Now I'm very tired. Let's go to bed."