Kumara

10/04/2011 Tuesday morning

Back door trouble. Again. And cats. Again.

I totally invite feedback on this dream, as I've had a series of locked door/cats/black people dreams for the past few weeks and am open to a more expansive perspective...

I was in my (dream) home/apartment with 2 black women. There is a knock at the back door (which is in my bedroom), or someone is trying to get in. I don’t want to go to the door (fear), so one or both of the women go to the door to see who is there.

After a pause, I follow them into the room…someone wants in and it seems like bad trouble. I notice that the deadbolt isn’t locked, so I turn the bolt carefully so whoever is outside doesn’t notice or hear, hoping that I’m doing it right and not accidentally UNlocking it. It sounds like a black man or men on the other side. Another lock appears above the first deadbolt and I locked it, too.

They leave – and I’m not sure of the sequence here –
I have a conversation with someone who tells me not to worry too much about those guys, that someone else used to live here and that’s who they were looking for. They were expecting food is all. I thought, “is food all they want? I have that! I can feed them.” And thought of how I like to show care for people by cooking for them.

But that seems out of synch with another snippet –
After ‘they’ left, I walked out the back door, and there was another room, like a sun room, that I didn’t realize was there. There was a big blue door, with a big glass pane, antique-looking (reminds me of Sesame Street door). That door had a big lock on it, and after talking to one or both of the black women that was with me, determined that one of them had left it unlocked.

I looked around the ‘sun room’ (not exactly right…maybe a sitting room?) and noticed the charred remains of a dog’s head, and ribcage. I was thinking, these people are not fucking around. It was a warning from them, that my dog (a boxer, who I suddenly “remembered” I had) would share a similar fate if he tried to protect me. I imagined the horror of my dog being skinned and burned and felt bad.

Skip to – my sister A is jumping on a trampoline in the sun/sitting room, to my left. Both of my sisters are over – K is maybe in another room adjacent to the sun/sitting room that appears in a way that isn’t really 3D.
To my right is the blue door with the big glass pane. Sitting outside on the doorstep are many cats, sitting quietly all facing me intently. Directly in front of me is a cat that I identify as an ocelot, sitting on it’s haunches. It looks similar to only it’s fur is longer and tufted around it’s face. My mother says, “that one in the back, with the big head (body?), that’s known as the Pheonix Ob___”. I see one over to the right that is bigger and rounder, has something weird going on with it’s head, it’s more surreal than the ocelot, maybe more cartoonish.

Somewhere also in the dream, I realize that people are getting in and out of that back room through a flap cut into a plastic/vinyl window. I make a mental note to ask the landlord to replace it with glass.

08/04/2011 Thursday morning



***I remember dreaming in a dream, maybe lucid dreaming in a dream…

Dream 1 – (early in the night I think) I was in “my grandmother’s room” (IWL never seen before). A bed was to my right. Something about having a blanket that I was holding all four corners of, and the “ghost” (was like an unseen force) had filled the blanket and was pulling me up, over the bed. I was fighting it to bring it back down and not get pulled away. I managed to do that, and was back on the bed…something about a small stack of books on the bed.

I moved around maybe, and discovered that D was under the covers trying to sleep. I apologized or felt bad, that I had all that going on over him while he was in bed. There was more, that’s all I remember.

Dream 2 – I was sitting on what I thought was a bus, seemed like Seattle, with rows of people in front, behind and to my right. A couple of guys were on my right, and I watched one of them pull a didgeridoo out of a cover, while inserting a cardboard tube (like a wrapping paper tube) into the center of it. I was wondering why he was doing that, and he cut and spread the bottom of the tube in the bottom of the didj. I thought that he was doing that so someone else could play and not get their spit all in his didj.

One of them began playing, and a window like a puppet theater opened in front of us. “They” were putting on an “art” show for us on the bus. I wondered if we were moving, and if everyone was okay with just waiting on the bus and if anyone was concerned about being on time.

I noticed at some point that the seats were now more like chairs, like the sort of egg-shaped melamine chairs with metal legs.

The show was a couple of guys showing various things. At first I saw them show a couple of big mushrooms, that looked like paper mache. Then some crazy visuals, I remember in particular a big copier spinning around behind the guy, as some kind of filler until the rest of the show was ready.

Someone said something like, “You don’t have your line ready yet?” and a woman scrambled to get her part of the show ready. Then I was behind the scenes, and whatever got plugged in, and there was something like a doctor’s examine table in front of me, and three women who were maybe not real, made of plastic-like stuff, somersaulted from and over the examine table and skipped off to my right. I think one was hot pink, one was cyan, and one was yellow.

Fragment, possibly SP:

There was a "ghost" to my left, that was pulling on me and sucking me into it.
I experienced the dream ghost as a feeling of powerlessness and uncomfortable tingling like when a funny bone gets hit.

My dream dad was in the room (kind of like my dad, only much kinder, younger, healthier). Maybe we were talking.

I was now turned toward the "ghost", and DD on my left. The ghost was sucking me in headfirst, and the feeling of paralysis was spreading from my upper body down, and I was rising off the floor "into" the ghost.

My dream dad gently pulled me down and out and away from the ghost.

Bed @ 2am
Wake @ 7:45am

200mcg Huperzine-a
4mg nicotine gum

Dream 1 -
I was in a room that looked like a dressing room, rustic-style, wood. I walked out and approached a full length mirror.
I saw my features shift and blur and I knew that I was dreaming (for a moment).
I thought or said, "I want to see how beautiful I *really* am."
My hair was dark and thick and straight and started to stand on end, it freaked me out a little and then I turned and walked into another space. It was like a saloon, I may have walked through swinging doors. The room was full of men playing pool. All of them looked at me as I entered, and they seemed to all be looking at me with hostility.

I felt a little unnerved, and tried not to show it and to appear confident. I passed a pool table where two men were playing a game of pool, all of the balls were 8-balls, there were a lot of them, more than a usual game, and some of them were sitting perched on plastic cups, my impression was they were filled with jack and coke and maybe water.

I picked up one of the 8-balls, and walked outside. I saw an area to the left and thought that I could go there if I imagined a bridge. I rolled the 8-ball on the ground like a bowling ball, flew up in the air, and asked, "what's beyond this dream?" and woke up.

**I wrote in my scribbles "Who are you really?" and I vaguely remember asking that in the dream

Dream 2 - At a place that was related to work in some way. I was sitting on a wooden porch, and there was a trapdoor that I had put a lot of stuff in. Colorful blankets, a clear plastic box of stuff. I pulled it all out and tried to put it back in neatly, and realized it wouldn't all fit back in. It all fit before because I had just tossed it in carelessly, and now that I was trying to organize it, there wasn't enough room.
I dug through the stuff in the plastic box, and there were two items that are hard to explain.
They were silver nickels, but they had silver tabs attached to them, it was like the tabs had to be removed before the nickels were valid. I pulled one off, and noticed the weight and the design of it, then pulled the other one and noticed that the design of it had changed and was now more scroll-like, more delicate, and the weight of it had changed to thinner and lighter.

I tucked a blanket in around the top of the stack, and chose the plastic box to take out while I closed the trap door. I was explaining all of this to someone standing to my right, possibly C.

Fragments - in a room with Teri, images or thoughts of a room full of women, of goddesses.
An image of staring at a drawing hanging on a wall of St. Christopher. It was sepia-toned.
Teri was sitting on the floor in front of me and I sat behind her and pressed myself against her, cuddling her from behind.
In a room talking to two guys, a contemporary couch like an Ikea couch, a scenic view from the apartment.
Talking to a couple of people in a modern kitchen, leaning over the bar facing them (they are in the kitchen). There are a couple of coinpurses on the counter and I look through each one to see what's inside.
I feel a little self-conscious, and explain that I just like to look through the change.
Something about noticing that all of the people in the room or in my life or something all had been abandoned or had abandoment issues.

I woke up from this dream about 30 minutes ago.

Bed @ 10pm
Wake @ 11:30pm
200mcg huperzine-a before bed

Some context: I just moved into an apartment that I got at a significant discount because someone died in it 7 mos. ago. Nothing too strange has happened, once the lights in the living room were turned on when I went in, and yesterday a rolled up black piece of fabric from I don't know what the heck was lying on the bathroom floor, that hadn't been there just a few moments before.

Also, just before bed I did a meditation on healing past relationships, something I thought of earlier as "giving up the ghost" because really with one guy I was in love with the ghost of who he seemed to be early on, but ultimately not who he really is.

So. I also had some pain in the left side of my belly, happens sometimes when gas gets trapped, I could feel the pain in my sleep. I tossed and turned and began dreaming in kind of a twilight state. I dreamed that a "ghost", an invisible being, was pressing on my belly. I was powerless and couldn't fight it off, it was annoying and painful and I couldn't do anything about it. I finally managed to turn over and the ghost started pressing me on the other side, and kind of batting me. I couldn't move, I couldn't swat at it, and it was annoying like a fly, in the way it was pressing on me and wouldn't leave me alone. I tried to yell at it, and had no voice.

This went on for a while, until I managed to stand up and open a door and walk out. Up to that point, the scene was just like my room IWL, but the door in the dream was to the left of where my bedroom window is IWL, and there was a frame of a screen door. The ghost tried to keep me from opening the door, I went in and out of feeling powerless and paralyzed, and finally opened the door and stepped outside.

I could feel the wind catch the ghost and it began to dissolve and float away with the wind. It tried to get back into the apartment and close the door, but I held the door firm and felt more of it that had been wrapped around me fall away and dissolve. I think my voice returned then, too. Then I woke up.

After I woke up, I got up and moved around. My stomach still hurt, so I put some hot water on the stove to make some ginger tea, then decided as a symbolic act of acting out my dream I would open my front door and step outside...I stepped outside for a few moments, then came back in and heard a loud POP! and the sound of breaking glass....I had turned the wrong burner on and exploded a pyrex dish left on the stove. It felt like a release of energy, related to releasing the ghost or something. And now there is glass all over my stove and floor because I don't have a broom yet

Fragment 1 - I was snuggling up to C, he was lying back on the arm of a couch and I leaned forward and let him put my arms around him. I was reassuring him all I wanted was cuddling, I wasn't trying to make a sexual advance. It felt nice to get close to him, and I was still a little nervous.

Fragment 2 - I was redecorating a coffee shop (?) and was with friends hanging long strands of beautiful large jewels on the wall like garland. I rearranged them so that the colors were more harmonious and spread out and there was more green prominent. I noticed a place on the wall where the strands covered a white sheet of paper that was stuck on a corkboard on the wall. It may have been a yoga class schedule, and I stuck a clear thumbtack through it and said, "the yoga has to GO." I moved over to a woman sitting in a booth in the shop, who seemed a little surprised and I think she was the one who designed the sheet and she said, "but I haven't even saved that one yet", as though me changing it somehow deleted the design from her computer.

1st dream - I was riding in the back seat of a car with a young man, he was on the driver's side behind a man driving, who was a "Father" type man. We were riding to rehab or something like that.

waking dream - a snippet of a conversation with my son, I pulled him aside into a room, sat him down in front of me and asked him firmly, "What is it that you MEAN?" or "What is it that you WANT?" (not sure).

I was facing a girl with brown skin, wearing tribal clothing (middle eastern style). She flashed a few cards with various images on them in front of my face. The one that I remember was one of a large eye. I looked closer, thinking at first it was a photo of a whale's eye, then realizing it was an elephant's eye. It seemed meaningful to me at the time (I recently read a story that had elephants in it..).

I walked outside to go see the elephants - the first one I saw was HUGE, and deformed, something was weird with the trunk...and it was behind a fence made of what looked like railroad ties (horizontally placed between fenceposts).
Someone was next to me and we walked along the fence, and saw more and more ENORMOUS animals, which I understood to be dinosaurs.

I wondered how such a small fence could keep such huge creatures out, and I remarked to my companion that they were just so huge it was hard to believe they were real, but they were! Further along the fence I noticed a velociraptor approaching. I stepped under a white plastic awning that covered a section of the top tier of the fence. The velociraptor was exactly where I was, and I felt/saw/heard it hop up on top of the plastic thing I was under, and over the fence.

I thought I would be safest staying there, then thought better of it. I noticed now there was a crowd of people rushing back into the building I had just come out of, which now looked like a Church of Christ building I went to when I was a kid. Someone handed a baby to me and I don't remember what I did with it....

I made it in and went to the wall, where there was a line of elevators. An authority -type person (minister? pastor?) was trying to calm people down by giving a sermon on the ups and downs and tragedies of life, saying something like, "we ask ourselved, how COULD this happen?"

I was thinking...really we could be questioning our thoughts here...and I pushed a button that opened all of the elevators, and light poured into the room.

The crowd of people turned toward me and chastised me for bringing in the light, that it was going to attract the velociraptor. I felt bad, thinking, "Oh, I made another wrong decision, I keep making the wrong choices."

***Yesterday my purse was stolen from my car. I did (and am continuing to do) a lot of self-inquiry...I felt the feelings of fear really deeply...I questioned my thinking about the whole thing. I am practicing the model that THIS is a dream, is a hologram, and anything that really rattles me is a reflection of what I am attached to as being real, and identifying as a small self, separate from "God" or "Source".

I blessed the person who stole my purse, took responsibility for my part, acknowledged that *I* created the whole situation.

I did beat up on myself a bit for being stupid and leaving my purse in the car, and for suspending my phone service so quickly (I fantasized that maybe I could have caught the person if they used the phone...).

Before I went to sleep, I asked for a dream to show me what I could learn from the situation. My take on this dream, is that the dinosaurs that seem so huge and terrifying and real, are fears...that are NOT real. Also, dinosaurs represent the old, the ancient, the extinct. Not sure what is up with the deformed elephant and I'm open to suggestion.

The elevators reflect to me taking action that brings in the light, that other parts of me fear, because bringing in the light seems to attract those scary monsters. I second-guessed my actions last night, but the dream shows me that I made the right choice and that the pushback is just fear, and the fear is of something illusory and unreal.

2 Natra Sleep before bed

I remember having dreams about "soul" and "angels" through the night but couldn't remember them when I woke up during the night.

Upon waking:
I was a cashier at a tiny, old convenience store. There was an old black man standing next to me, watching the tools in my register multiply - the 'register' was a drawer with a kitchen utensil drawer inside of it (like the one I just bought) and the tools looked like kitchen tools, peeler, bottle opener). A guy came up and handed me a $5 bill, and I wondered if I had change because there was no money in it before.

I opened the drawer to give him change, and in the 2nd slot from the right there was a stack of cash, which surprised me, and I pulled out some $1's, and noticed a $20 in the middle, I thought the guy was trying to trick me into giving him the twenty.

The end.

Bed @ 10pm
Wake @ 2:45 am
Bed @ 3:30am
Wake @ 9am

Before bed: 2 caps Theanine Serene

Non lucid: I was walking up a path toward an ornate pavilion, where two lines of women sat facing each other. The ones facing me were dressed in "Tibetan monk" robes but they were different from IWL, more Thai style. The path changed as I got closer and became covered in pink lotuses. I wasn't sure if it was ok to walk on them, and I noticed that the women on my side were taking communion, and I hesitated and sat on a round circle of white cloth on the ground which was prickly, because I wasn't of their religion so I didn't think I should participate in the communion.

In front of me, a priestess/monk woman was talking to my friend Ceanna, and told her that she had something different for her, and from behind her stuck a tissue in her mouth. Ceanna whooped and danced around and seemed to enjoy whatever it was she received.

Then I was closer in, sitting with the women. They were passing around what looked like a wedge-heel shoe. The woman to my left said, "When they pass the pig around you should ask for the money. They give it out to people, you should tell them you're a good person and (you'll do good with it?)."

The shoe came my way and I passed it along and said something that I don't remember, I remember that it felt false and like I was repeating what I heard them say and it didn't really make sense. (Obvious reflection of longtime issues of not fitting in or not belonging.)

Woke at 2:45 am (planned to wake at 3:30 but earlier dream woke me up so I took supps and went back to bed).
8mg galantamine
500mg choline
2mg melatonin

Okay....here goes....

Non-lucid - I was holding a small child, in the dream she was my sister K. We were talking and enjoying each other's company. I saw that her 3rd eye was open, it was sort of blipping in and out of sight. I told her that I noticed it was open, and as I observed a whole row of eyes opened across her forehead, very beautiful and sparkling. Someone came in to take her, and commented on how happy she was and how well she was doing. I was really sad and upset that they were taking her and pleaded for them to let her stay with me since she was doing so well.

gaps after that, just an image of another baby who may have been evil, who insisted on vomiting on me and it was a big thick stream of something white like lard (with gold in it) and I was trying to avoid it and get it off of me

Woke up at 4:30, had forgotten to turn my normal morning alarm off, slowly back to sleep.

I decided to go ahead and sleep on my back and take a chance on SP.
At some point after that, I feel myself paralyzed and I roll with it, managing to take a deep breath and consciously transforming the feeling of fear to excitement as best I could. Then I begin rising up and up to the top of my room (looking back I might call it an OBE). I am feeling pulled by a force, still feeling paralyzed, I do my best to relax into it and not fight it or freak out too much. I am pulled or float to one side of the room, and bump the wall, I can still feel the feeling of the sheetrock brushing my skin.

I floated from there, across the room, bumping the ceiling fan, and bumping into the opposite wall.
I see a small round alien ship outside my bedroom window, and I realize it's playing the Close Encounters music. The ship looked like a miniature version of the Close Encounters ship, with the beautiful lights which are shining in through my blinds. (Even though I knew I was dreaming, the feeling of my body rising and hitting the wall and ceiling fan was so real, plus the music from the ship, I wondered whether my neighbors could hear...)
I finally start to have a little bit of a grip on the dream, and I hid in the bathroom. I didn't want the aliens to get me!

Ok ok I'm a little more coherent now and decide to go out to the ship, I'm dreaming, what's the harm? I step out of my bathroom and next thing I know I am on the ship, seemingly alone. I walk into a room and in the center of the room is a bench that looks to me made of pewter or silver, with filigree scrollwork. I wonder if that is where 'they' do their research, if they are going to try to do the anal probe (lol) there or what...

Oh, I catch a little more snap. This Isn't Real. So I began digging into a wall, and the wall gives way. I continue to dig through layers and layers of what looks like brain tissue, until I get to a pocket where there is a large green grub nestled. I pulled it out and tried to squish it. It tried to attach itself to me so I ran a few frequencies through it to try to fry it or change it. Finally I asked, "how could this thing be dead?" waiting to see what happened. I think it then changed into a black circle that tried to go back into the tissue and I chased it down firing frequencies at it until I think it fell out and off into space (I hope!).

---Next scenes, I'm not sure of the sequences ---
---I am in a tent with a guy who wants to kiss me. I'm not lucid, and not very conscious so I push him off and notice in profile that he's not very attractive to me. I asked him who he was and he said something like he was one of a bunch of pixies that would go through the portals between worlds and visit. He looked at me face-on, and I think he had only one eye on the left, and on his right was a row of flashing LED's across the browline.

---lucid - I am on an planet that I identify as Mars, because it is so dark and hot and murky. I notice a big pool of dark fluid that seems hot, and I decide to dip in it because I know I am dreaming. It didn't really feel like anything. I ask the dream to show me something important to see, and I'm suddenly in a gym that reminds me of the 80's, with women in 80's workout gear doing aerobics. I'm wondering why the heck am I here? Then I see a group of friends who are looking at me like they are angry and annoyed. It seems that I've disappeared on them without an explanation and they aren't happy about it. I ask if I've done this before and they say yes, apparently that is why they are so irritated with me.

---non-lucid - I am walking and see a former friend walking past me to my right. She doesn't even seem to see me. I unexpectedly screamed, "F*** you, Jenni!". She turned and looked at me, and I fell on the ground and started fumbling between apologizing and not, feeling terrible, saying how I was really hurt by the way our friendship turned out and it wouldn't happen again.

Then I begin walking and walking and walking in the dark, through mountains. Somewhere along the way there are Boy Scouts that I consider asking for a ride. More walking and walking, somewhere along the way I lost my shoes and was concerned about my feet being torn to shreds. I walked into a house and found some shoes "that my mom gave me" that didn't quite fit so I wasn't sure if I should wear them and if I did were there any socks around.
I also remember being on the side of a mountain watching eagles fly over in the dark, and they had amazing luminescent wings.

Then I finally woke up.

Bed @ 10:15pm
Wake @ 5am
Bed @ 6:30am
Wake @ 8:50 am

(before wbtb)
400mcg Huperzine-a
4mg Nicotine gum
2 tabs Theanine Serene
1 Natra Sleep

When I woke up the first time I realized waking up so late was a mistake, but it was worth a try, and I'm surprised I had the success I did. It just took so loooong to get back to sleep, hence the extra supps to get to sleep.

I don't remember the first part when I first became aware, just that there were a lot of people around and I realized it was a waste of my dream time so I flew out through the ceiling. My intended task was to dialog w/my inner self about the pattern/habit of punishing and abusing myself for perceived mistakes, for being in pain, for being weak, etc. I was flew through the ceiling, asked the dream, "hey, dream, what's beyond this dream?" and
next I was in room with my dad. My dad was lying on a mattress on the floor to my left, head away from me. He seemed young, and we were talking really comfortably, with an affinity that I usually don't feel IWL (due to an abusive past). It seemed to me that he and I were "on assignment", and I was trying to wake him up to help him remember his true self. I felt so tender and loving toward him, it was a little awkward in the dream. I said something to him, and he said something like he was remembering, it was coming back to him.

He then held up his right hand and a green light was blinking from inside his wrist.."There's a transmitter" he said. I looked at his left hand, and saw a digital "10:44" shining through his wrist. I lifted his hand, surprised, and remarked on it, there was some kind of device under his hand that now showed a different time. (In the dream, it wasn't a clock or a watch.). Then I moved up by his head, and he turned on his right side and I asked myself, "What does he need?" and then I held him very tenderly. That also felt kind of weird to me, to be so close and so tender toward my father, but I knew I was dreaming and went with it.

There were some non-lucid snippets of being in a room lying on air mattresses with my ex, "T". I was unconsciously moving toward him to have sex with him and some other part of me kept reining myself in, saying "noo nooooo nooo, that's not what I want, remember? I don't want to have sex with him."

I became lucid again and flew again through the ceiling, and said, "Hey, dream, I want you to take me to a beautiful healing temple where I can be alone in a room and collect my thoughts." I began moving at warp speed through a light tunnel, I heard a chorus of beautiful voices that sounded like angels and I felt ecstatic and a little uneasy because I heard the voices singing, "Righteous.....righteous....righteous....righteous ....". It was beautiful and not like a taunt, it still made me wonder, though. I emerged in a plain beige room (yah, thanks so much subconscious) with a nerdy-looking older man wearing a beige suit, glasses, with brown hair and a brown beard.

His back was to me at first, I approached him and asked him, "What do you know about "righteous"?", thinking, my subC dumped me there so he could help. He said, "I can't say I "know" anything about it..."
Me: "Okay, what can you tell me about it?"
Him: "Well, it's complicated. It's a paradox."
I hear someone approaching, and he gives me a look like I better get out of there. I'm thinking, it's a dream, maybe I should face this...but the guy is directing me with his eyes to get out so I left.
There was a gap, next thing I know, I was kneeling by a window on the floor (like one of those basement windows, only it was inside) and a woman in a blue "prison" shirt with dark hair is trying to pull me in where she is, and a long line of women behind here are all holding each other like a conga line, all trying to pull me in together.
I'm pulling back, holding my own, and asking, "WHAT DO YOU NEEEEED????"
I don't remember if she said anything, I was a little frantic, and I said, "I send every one of you one hundred pieces of love..." (totally ganked from Robert Waggoner, lol).
They were still pulling on me, and I yelled out, "God give these women what they need!"

Not sure of the sequence of this part - I walked into a room, and had some big some kind of being stuck to my back. I thought of "monkey on my back", and also think I noticed there was a small hand and also thought it might be related to an experience from the past I'm not quite over yet. As soon as I walked into the room, I saw something that looked like a metallic red hair dryer (come to think of it, it would be more in function like a creme brulee torch) and I walked over to it, pressed the top that I knew would make a flame come out, and turned my back on it so the thing on my back would catch the heat from it. (I guess I was thinking it was like a tick...if you put a flame close to a tick it will detach itself and crawl away). I think it did come off but I'm not sure.

The scene changed, I was flying again, and I said, in a voice that surprised me by how lyrical and strong and confident I sounded, "I want to experience being FREE!". Suddenly I was immersed in and swimming through ocean water that was deep blue and so beautiful. I was somehow in a building that reminded me of a church because it had dark wood frames and stained glass, yet I was still in the water. The building shrank and got smaller, while I was still in water, until I felt as if I were in a coffin. I felt slightly claustrophobic, and reached for a wall, wondering if I should try to break out, or try to wake up.

I reasoned that, I'm dreaming, I can breathe in the water, and I'm not going to die, so let's just see what happens.
I noticed the texture of the 'coffin' changing, to leathery, and a crack appearing above me. I thought "reptilian egg', and saw black filigree spine plates like a stegosaurus pass by the crack, and heard a roar. I was frightened at first, then wondered if I was one of them, if I was a dinosaur about to hatch, in which case I was one of them and belonged and it would be ok to hatch. I pecked at another part of the 'egg', and saw a hand reach through to pull a chunk off.

I thought, "oh, wow, I'm getting help!"
More pieces came off, and I found myself face to face with a muppet, who reminded me of one of the "yip-yips", only he was bright red, and was wearing a viking helmet. He had great big plastic saucer eyes.

I was like, "wtf? a muppet? whut tha wha?" and struggled to stay in the dream, but woke up. I was too awake to get back into it.

Wed morning 06/28/2011

120mg lithium
1 Natra sleep
250mg choline

My mother gave Toni and me each windchimes. I held mine up close to my face, saw that it was blue, and it was weird dreamlike all I could see until I moved it away from my face, and then I could see that the top of it was a light blue pac-man ghost with a glass shard hanging from it in the middle of the chimes nearly the same color about the length and breadth of my forearm. I don’t remember what Toni’s was.

There was also something about flying a flag, that I can sort of see in my mind and it wasn’t really a flag...and my mom gave me some clothes that were too big that I thanked her for, and Toni was saying how if they were ...some kind of particular size, (the right size) then I’d be even happier and somehow as she was talking it was like the clothes in my hands were changing to the right size and also changing into capri jeans that I like.

1 Natra Sleep
200 mcg huperzine before bed

I was in a room with a guy, thinking “Spanish”, maybe he was Spanish, I dunno. He had short dark hair, and light brown skin like he might have been. We talked, and then we kissed, I remember worrying about whether he thought I was a good kisser, and knowing I hadn’t brushed my teeth that day. We stood up, held hands and faced a wall that had a lot of maps hanging on it. We were staring at the maps and I think we were wondering which one to choose. They were hanging sideways and had white frames, they looked like world maps and I was thinking they were framed to fit on bikes (but they were large, about 3’ long). He kissed me again and I was surprised…I think he asked me to massage his back and I did a bit.

Then I went into the kitchen and started loading dishes in the dishwasher. After a short time, he followed me in and asked me to do some more work on his back. I felt resistant, didn’t really want to, mostly because I didn’t know how to help him (and I think I was afraid he'd be dependent on me to keep helping him). Then I suddenly had an idea of standing in front of him, reaching behind his back, placing my knuckles on his lower back and dragging them forward, around to the front. This seemed to work really well, he was delighted and making all kinds of jerky movements with his shoulders.

WBTB
bed @ 11pm
wake @ 4am
bed @ 5am
wake @ 7:45am

8g galantamine
2mg melatonin
250mg choline

galantamine fail. could be due to previous nights huperzine use

I was at a party with some of the women from the 'scene', the 'other' April and maybe Ali was there. I just remember being on a couch hanging out, then in a room where April handed me two cookies and said, "Here, eat these." I did, and then I started to feel high. I asked her if they were 'special' cookies and she said yes, and I was upset because I have been clean for 6 months and didn't really WANT to get stoned (gee, galantamine, a little lucidity would have been nice here...).

Snippet of a guy being unhappy with his girlfriend, I remember some kind of rock n roll dude that picked his gf up like a doll and showed her to me, she was blonde with colorful tats along her shoulders, I was thinking something like they made a good pair.

At some point I was trying to find my shirt because I was sitting around in only my panties feeling exposed.

I was massaging a guy's neck and woke briefly from the dream to find myself massaging my right thigh.

WBTB
wake @ 4am
sleep @ 5:30(ish)
200mcg huperzine-a
8mg nicotine gum

I enter the dream knowing I am dreaming...
I have a task in mind, and also open myself to what the dreams wants to show me first.
I fly through a dimly light park at night. There are trees, and I want to fly to a tree and nestle in it. I approach a tree and fly up into the branches, it has no leaves, I realize it is rotting. There is a huge trunk-like branch falling off, and I see that wherever there are big branches, they are falling off because of letter-sized sheets of paper embedded in the trunk, keeping the branch from attaching properly to the trunk. I land on the large "trunk" and it sways and I stay as light as possible so it doesn't break off**. I pull out the sheet of paper and read it, it's fairly clear but I don't remember exactly what it says just that I understand it is a criminal rap sheet. I think, "but this isn't ME!" and I'm wondering about it, when a group of cops show up with flashlights and flashing lights.

I panicked for a moment and started to fly away, then flew down and faced them directly, choosing an open, friendly attitude and emotional tone. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, I explained myself, and they responded in a manner of, "oh, ok, no problem" and left. As they left, I was pressed in from all sides by a multitude of people. I noticed an impulse to fight them, but I let myself feel it and acknowledge it without acting on it while I sorted through appropriate responses and settled on projecting a solid field of light pink love.

Almost immediately they all dispersed and (I might have this mixed up with another part of the dream sequence) I notice one really big guy. I jumped on him and hugged him, really pleased to see him. I kissed him, thinking, "integration".

I flew back to the tree, and wrapped myself around a branch and hugged it.
There is more in between I do not remember.

I find myself standing in a dimly lit room, watching a man sitting next to a teenager who is lying on a couch. They are dark-skinned. The boy is ill and feeling bad, and the man is striking the boy with small, precise BAPS that spark in the dark. He is berated the boy for feeling bad. I didn't really want to be in on this scene, and I ask the dream, "Am I really needed here?"
"Yes" is the answer.
Ok. So I say to the man, "I notice that you are sitting there hurting him and then wondering why he feels bad and getting mad at him about it!" The scene then shifts, and the boy is lying in twin-sized bed next to me on my right, I am on his left side. The sheet over him is cream-colored, pulled up nearly to his chin, the head/footboard are a simple wood fram, similar to mission-style. The boy has now changed to someone more feminine.

I lay my hands on her belly, left of center, and run Frequency 17. She groans a little. Then I move further down her belly, it might have been the womb area, and I say to her, "This is where all of your ancestral money stuff is..." and run Frequency 27 into it. I move slightly as she groans and vomits into a bin on the side of the bed (that is a pale mustard color and looks like those ikea shoe bins that hang on the wall with 3 drawers). I had opened the bottom bin for her...she spewed and filled it up, I pulled the bin out and moved it away, then tried to make another one appear but couldn't so I opened the second one for her, anticipating more spewage. There may have been just a bit more.

I turned to face her, and she was a beautiful woman with broad features that seemed somewhat asian, she looked a lot like my friend Stepha, and her skin was light golden brown and covered with freckles. She had warm brown eyes and a kind, gentle smile. I suddenly wanted to kiss her and have sex with her, we may have kissed (if we did anything else I don't remember).

Another snippet of being in a restaurant that reminded me of a country diner. I decided to fly out through the ceiling and the first time I tried I bounced against the ceiling and fell back to the floor. I laughed and was a little embarrassed and other people saw it. I checked...ok I *did* just fly so I am dreaming...and tried again, this time a little slower and it was like flying through gel. I flew through several layers and I wondered whether I would ever find open space then I flew through one last layer that was like the dome of "the capitol building" and silver, and wa-la, open air.

I flew along and landed in garden that I thought of as "English". Three people approached me, the one in the middle had something that looked like my shower backscrubber that he started to poke me with. I gave him some very firm yet kind command NOT to do that, and the guy to my left reacted very surprised and said, "You are quite the diplomat!". We talked about I don't know what and I flew on.

Without deciding to, I found myself zooming along in outerspace, going faster and faster, realizing how easy and effortless it was and how it was further and faster than "anyone's" been before. A space shuttle flew up beside me so I paused and it stopped and several astronauts disembarked and they all streamed around me. I didn't want to let them get too close, I think they wanted to catch me so I stayed just out of their reach (they all were tethered by air lines to the shuttle.) I don't remember what happened after that, I'm pretty sure it wasn't the end of the dream...I hope I flew on!

There was more, but in the dream I decided that it was really more important to stay in and do the healing and integration stuff I was doing rather than try to wake up to remember it.

***The dream tree to me represents a family tree - and I felt like this dream was showing me that ancestral criminal acts were somehow affecting the tree and disintegrating it. I am adopted, and have had a lifelong terror of "going to jail", even though that isn't something that I was raised with or threatened with, and my bio sister has a criminal history. So, I think I'm going to check in on the tree later, maybe it was enough to just be aware and know the person in the rap sheet wasn't me.