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    lucyoncolorado

    Ninety-Eight

    by , 05-26-2015 at 05:07 AM (372 Views)
    In which I attempt to fly in a lucid dream...

    Lately, I've been "getting stuck" in the mornings as I try to wake up. This is what I've always called sleep paralysis. I remembered that it's easier to enter a lucid dream from this state, so I decided to try it. I stopped fighting the paralysis and let myself fall into sleep, all the while saying to myself, "I'm dreaming" until I heard the quaking, crashing sound that indicates I'm finally asleep. I stood up and felt light weight. Everything was shiny. I walked towards the front door of my house and, instead of turning the door knob, decided to walk through it. Then I was in the yard under the stars. I decided to try to fly. I flew up over my house and towards the field behind my house, but then I had trouble controlling the flight. I decided to try to fly all the way to the moon, but the flying became more like swimming. I was trying to do the breast stroke through the air and got tired easily. I let myself fall back towards the field behind my house and tried to think of what experience I'd like to have next. I tried wishing for things to see if they appeared, but suddenly I realized I was standing on my front porch again. I didn't remember getting there and realized I'd lost control of the dream. This woke me up.

    In which I dream again about H...

    H is upset with me over a misunderstanding with S. I go to her old house, which is actually at K's mom's house in our home town. I walk into the house, but I'm standing in the foyer. I know she is on the other side of a wall with a baseball bat, and I know she is angry. I call into the house to tell her it's me and that I'd like to talk to her about what happened. I tell her it was a misunderstanding with S and that I want to make amends with her. I can feel her rage and it scares me so I step back out of the house. I shout at her from the lawn.

    Then she calms down and says I can enter. I sit down with her at the bar. There are other people around. Her mom is there. I explain what happened with S and how the misunderstanding started. She understands and is no longer angry. We sit down to talk. Her hair is short and pulled back on the sides like it was when she was pregnant. I can't remember what we were talking about, but I realize she hasn't died yet. I tell her that she is going to find herself in a very dark place one day and that she is going to need help, and I beg her to remember to call me. I try to say all the things I've been trying to say over and over again. She looks at me straight in the eyes and tells me I'm being a liar. I'm not, I argue. I grab her upper arms and turn her towards me. I tell her to look at me and see that I'm being serious and sincere. I tell her to promise she'll call me.

    Meanwhile, her mom is now sitting on the other side of me. She has an iPad, but in the dream, it is H's cell phone. She shows me how you can swipe through images on the phone that show incoming and outgoing phone calls on H's phone from the night she died. She hands me the iPad and we start scrolling through the numbers together. I'm terrified that my number will come up and we'll see that she did call me. But we are looking at incoming calls and not outgoing ones, and for some reason my number does not pop up showing that I called her back even though I did and I left a message too but I should've kept calling and I don't know why I didn't. I worry that her mom is going to blame me.

    H asks what we are doing, and I tell her. I try to use the iPad as proof that I'm being serious and sincere when I tell her what is going to happen. Her mom asks me what I'm telling H, and I tell her that I'm trying to convince her to call the people who love her when she gets to that dark place. Her mom nods her head calmly and unconvinced and allows that this is an appropriate thing to say. I feel like I can't really get through to either of them and that it's all somehow my own fault. But I look inside myself and can't find anything else more sincere than what I'm saying, and if it's not a true feeling then there is just an emptiness behind it so I don't know what else to say.

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    Updated 06-30-2016 at 07:25 PM by 38879

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