LukeSid

Because I started trying to lucid dream late in life it took prodigious effort to achieve the relatively few LD’s I have so far managed…and I’m struggling to get back on it. Although I haven’t got Alzheimers there’s a definite deterioration in my lower mental functions.

But still I’m trying. Why?

Because LD’ing triggered an interest (directly and indirectly) in Buddhism, meditation, NDE (Near Death Experience) and reincarnation.

Why?

Because I’m increasingly convinced there’s a form of afterlife. Not the religious meeting with a (male?) God and somehow ascending to heaven…although there’s a whole raft of professing religious people who wouldn’t have a chance in hell of getting there.

I think the Buddhists may be nearer to the answer. Why?

Because of DMT (N,N-Dimethyltryptamine)…an amazingly potent pyschedelic apparently.


Britain’s NHS and Imperial College London found a link between DMT and NDE.

One link I’ve found between LD, NDE and the Buddhist Book of the Dead, us lucid dreamers know only too well.

Forgetting the dream or not realising we are dreaming. DMT users say the same thing. Dead practicing Buddhists have to be read to after death else they don’t notice the all important dawning of the radiant light that occurs and gives them the chance to achieve Nivarna.

Why?

Like us there needs to be increased awareness in sleep, trip or death…or the chance is missed.

It’s all linked folks

PS What do American Indians call death? Dream time.

It’s been a while...and nothing much has happened. I’ve had 2 years of angst with moving home and breathing issues and currently the dreams have gone.

But I met a guy today, a handyman of mixed race and we got talking and he’s got me motivated again. He’s basically interested in LD, meditation etc but he’s young and a family man and that will hold him back a bit. (oldies like me have all the time that nature has left us)

So I’ll hopefully pick up the threads again. I know some neurons are still on standby because a few muttered mantras still get a slight response.
I’m supposed to be book writing again but I’m time-wasting on Minecraft at the moment so I need to balance between LD, writing, games and life itself...we’ll have to see what happens won't we...

From writing a story where I dragged in a loose connection to lucid dreaming (about which I then knew zilch) to spending, considering my age, a lot of energy learning about (and self- conditioning for) lucid dreams, I finally achieved my first one in September 2013.

Looking through the childlike scrawl of my journals it's clear that my dreams in the first 2 years were longer, more substantial, and far more vivid (and I was often close to more potential LD's than the dozen or so I've actually achieved.) I can see from my entries that I monitored my eating habits, the moon cycles, approximate times, and any other data I thought might be useful.

Nowadays, dream recall is thin, the dreams are weird and lacking punch and Ld's are even rarer than in the early times. So, have I got too old to dream? (if you'll pardon the musical pun) Personally, I don't think so.

My brain is generally good. I have problems recalling names on quizzes (but I've always been like that to a certain degree) But I'm still red hot on general knowledge (except sport, don't ask me about sport) I definitely eat the right things, plenty of fruit, chick peas, shellfish, loads of the right veg, etc etc. Supplements like melatonin, choline, B6 have never worked for me. I've taken choline before retiring, then topped-up with a melatonin tab before WBTB and slept for 8 hours plus and still not even got close to an LD.

I think I could get back to the old days if I worked as hard at it as I did before but I don't want that. I've done it, bought the t shirt, dreamed the dream, wakened in the dream, fell out of the dream, failed to get back into the dream and now I have other priorities. I've branched out into so many side issues and interests, McKenna, Adyashanti, Sam Harris, DMT, psilocybes, meditation, awareness, the brain (and I know that's going to be the tip of the iceberg in years to come.)

I will never abandon all attempts at LD. I'm always looking for shortcuts. I instinctively know that they exist. There's probably a magic combination of set, setting, and helpers. Maybe it's VR. Maybe it's VR plus helpers (I've always felt that intensive game-playing has somehow altered my perception)

Further confirmation last night that you can dream about LD issues without necessarily LDing. I had a dream where I was packing away a bedroll on a campsite and the bedroll disappeared. I explained to my wife that things disappearing was one of my strongest dream signs.

So, on the LD front things can only get better. If they do I'll likely tell you about it here. There may be quite a gap...there may not. If there's a very long gap it may well be that I've died, although you'll never know if I have...unless I find a way...

As per usual nowadays, this all happened at the top of the morning. It cannot be because I only then manage to accrue enough melatonin, because I've taken supplementary melatonin at various points of the night before and merely slept dreamless sleeps.

I'm in a very large office building (DS) and I hear someone talking about office decorations (Christmas?) But I can only see a very large and brightly coloured plastic dildo, on a wall inside one section. (what??!!) I suddenly realise that I'm wearing pyjamas (and my sleeping mask) and think "I'm asleep!"

I move outside the section that I'm in and immediately feel that I'm waking up This time I start to spin but to no avail (usual story lately). I lay there, musing about what had happened, then realise that I'm at my desk explaining to my (DC) fellow employees that I've just had an lucid dream. The penny drops...I'm back asleep...and then I wake up again.

It happens once more, but this time I'm telling my wife (who's asleep in our other bedroom)...and then I'm awake again. If they were all false awakenings, then the plot definitely thickens. Can I really dream that complicated scenario? If it had happened tomorrow I would have pondered on the fact that it is April fools Day and the brain apparently has independently-functioning sections (and maybe there's a joker in the pack)

Aside from that little farce, things have been quiet, with just one recent "sweet spot" in my mediation/sleeping routine. I managed to conjure up a "video" (I can never make out any clear content...maybe it's always just a typical dreamlike jumble.) It was playing very fast and I tried to instruct my brain to slow it down.

Whenever I manage to create the basic "square shape" I merely have to think "a red square" and it instantly in-fills in red. But I could not get the "video" to slow down. Maybe there are 2 separate brain departments "video" and "wire-frame shapes" and the latter one is run by a few simple-minded neurons. Maybe the "video" dept has a bunch of techie-neurons who are far too busy to listen to a noob like me. Just a thought (if you could call it that)

I'm not claiming this as a lucid (I think it would be bad form to do so) Frustrating, but never boring for long, is how I view my current dream/brain/meditation/falling asleep research. IMO we really have to show the brain respect, because there's no guarantee that we are in complete control of it. (if at all)

As I've already said, it's been a disappointing Winter...cold and pretty uninspiring on the dream front, with fairly poor dream-recall, only 2 short lucids and generally drab dreams (some almost unfathomable.)

But on other fronts, it's been interesting. My discovery that I can sometimes meditate/fall asleep and conjure up images and schemas. But, even that comes and goes. I recently watched a Youtube vid of a guy called Koi Fresco (something fishy about him) and he recites "I'm awake" twice every hour.

I've often done the mantra thing, but with me, it's always been "I'm dreaming...it's a dream." So, I decided to try his method. For 4 days I diligently worked though that mantra at least 3 times every hour, aware of every bodily sensation and my surroundings. Nothing so far....zilch.

But, other things crop up. I've noticed an improvement in dream recall if I WBTB after watching one of David Eagleman's brain documentaries (it gets me thinking about the function of the brain maybe). But, more interestingly, on 2 occasions (one was just now) I've laid down for a while and maybe, when I start to drift, a vivid image starts to form.

It's always green (that's my preferred location, a meadow or a wood) I get the "rush" and my heart rate speeds up (I can control that...always been able to) but I find breathing difficult and I have to breath deeply and that's distracting. But again I managed to hold the image for quite a while before it gradually died away.

Of course, I need such an experience after a few hours sleep and a WBTB (so we're all told) and I'm alert and thinking so I had to get up and write this to get it out of my system. Then I'm back to bed (with maybe some melatonin...if it only helps me off to sleep that's something.)

Still trying.

To bed at 12.30, woke at 6.00am and WBTB at 7.20am. Lucid at 8.30am. It hit me suddenly. I'm at the edge of a very green field. There were others there. Overwhelmingly green, the grass, the surrounding bushes and (I'm not a biologist) some kind of ground vegetation, like docks, was everywhere. It was so intense, the most vivid dream I've ever experienced.

I thought something like, “hey! I'm lucid..do a reality check.” Doh! So I try to push my thumb through my palm and I can't. While I'm fumbling about the dream slips away. Gone. I try to get back into it and I can't...never have managed that yet. I'm overwhelmingly awake.

With no preparation, and very little in the way of good dream experiences these past few weeks, it came out of the blue...well green actually...so much green.

Anyone who has had a number of LD's surely knows what I mean, when I say I just KNOW when I'm lucid. There's no mistaking it. The vividness, the presence, my thoughts and responses. I know. So the last thing I should be doing is RC'ing so soon after I hit the event. Stand still, look around, and slowly and carefully stabilize the dream.

When I can, I usually touch a wall. Maybe I should have touched vegetation. I need to quickly spin when I sense the dream going. I've done that successfully once before. I need a different approach. I eat the right stuff, my brain get's all the stimulus it should reasonably need. I've taken “little helpers” like melatonin, but I can only hit LD's at the top of the morning. Mystery.

When I say there was no preparation, maybe there was. While I was up, I watched part of David Eagleman's series “The Brain” Part 5 “Who will we be?” When I went back to bed, I pondered for a short while about what it said. Maybe there's nothing special about the biological construct of the brain. The “mind” is not what the brain is, but what the brain does. Hooray for that.

We are advised to think “dream” things when WBTB, so maybe thinking “brain” things had the same effect and provided a stimulus (albeit short). When I WBTB, I'll work my way though The Brain series again, to see if I can trigger another LD from that.

Whenever I start to flag, I always seem to get something to spur me on. Short lucids, or the recent “schemas...” all contributions gratefully received...

PS An Afterthought. Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong angle. Maybe I'm sleeping a lot deeper now and my (few and far-between and short) LD's happen when I'm rising from deep sleep, up towards awakening, and I reach a plateau when I'm not yet quite awake but I now have enough awareness to trigger a lucid. That might also explain my failure to pass the "thumb through palm" test

It's a thought, and maybe I need to condition myself to sleep lighter (if that's at all possible)

Only 3 recorded dreams since last time + 1 when I fell for the old “I'll remember a tag and write it later” trick. (I didn't remember it...doh!) But, I have bigger fish to fry at the moment.

I'm caught up in this “meditation/falling asleep and finding the sweet spot” experiment of mine. I drift and wisps of thought go through my mind and that's when I usually try my luck. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I think that it must be progress in something, simply because I'm doing (and seeing) things that I've not done before.

Two days ago I hit the sweet spot and thought one of my usual prompts (It was “box” – sometimes it's “house”) I expected a schema of a house but my brain seems to have decided to interpret it as my bedroom...well, it was in essence, but the orientation was wrong and it was bigger and I seemed to be looking down on it.

Fortunately, I'm well-conditioned to keep my eyes shut when I wake/hit near-sleep. I could hear my music, and felt the pressure of one foot on the other, so I was basically awake. On my little bedroom table were 3 knitted Father Christmases (what?? you may ask yourself) My departed mother knitted those as table decorations and they've been packed away for weeks. (but my sentimental minions apparently decided to add them to this little vignette.) Like my LD's it probably upped my heart rate a tad and it faded after aprox 30 seconds. That was the only result of aprox 40 minutes of M/FA

Today, I must have hit the sweet spot after about 10 minutes. I remember a wisp of thought (something about “Ron and a spaceship”) and I thought “house” Up came a screen (for want of a better word) with what looked vaguely like “The Martian.” It's a film I've seen and liked, but where's the house? And who's Ron?

The next bit is somewhat hard to explain. It looked like the images were HD but they weren't very clear?! Maybe a man in a spacesuit, maybe a robot, maybe it was just vivid and I thought it was HD. It wasn't a video, just still images that moved from place to place, maybe against a desert background. No big deal then. But, I was able to retain this image for nearly 5 minutes...and that's a first. Considering, a few weeks ago I got zilch I claim it to be a move in the right direction...so far.

Winter in the Uk now means wet and windy, and I hate that, so I'm not going out much. So it's maybe no surprise that I'm not getting LD's at the moment (although I'm still remembering, and logging a reasonable amount of dreams)

I'm now in a regular routine of 40minutes+ of meditation/nearly falling asleep. I'm not as bad as the lad in the first video link but you get the idea So it's bad for meditation but better for my dream research.

It means I can get the brain to show me how it works. There's a brilliant BBC documentary series, “The Brain” with David Eagleman, and he demonstrates how our brain usually controls us, and tells us what to see and do. (The second video link shows proof of that) I believe that kind of knowledge about the brain is important for dream research. He mentions schemas (templates) that the brain uses to “free up” neurons for other essential work.

So, when we pass a house, the brain pulls a schema from its template rack and merely adds details to it. Well, when I reach the hypnagogic stage I can get my brain to actually show a few schemas by thinking things like “show me a house” and I got the outline of a house. The schemas are tastefully presented in white outline and surrounded by a white border. I'm not saying that's necessarily how the brain stores them, but that's how it shows me.

So far I've got geometric shapes, a house (and when I asked for “a house” recently I got the outline of a key!) Fascinating stuff. Of course, the question is, can I use that to advance my LD ambitions? Knowing how the brain works could be the way in. Anyone who lives in a foreign country and doesn't learn the language is a fool. Presumably a DILD is just a person “creating a dream image” and the brain responds by popping up a schema , then embellishing it (i.e. a dream forming)

So, my “house” schema maybe needs to be pushed, so it becomes second-nature for my brain to create it on demand. Then the Polish building neurons turn up and give it a nice frontage, plant a few bushes and away we go into dreamland. It's a thought.

Brain trivia
Apparently the unconscious is the big brother and the conscious is the runt. Who knew that? He likens the conscious, to a CEO of a large corporation, who steps in when there's a crisis. The trick for us is to get our CEO to make LD'ing one of its priorities.

The brain's insistence on showing its pre-determined schema's (despite them sometimes being illogical) presumably explains why we are tricked by magicians. Well, not any more matey! You just have to shout “it's a bloody schema” and some big guy will probably throw you out...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njMP4c3SJJA


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtzzS9TtKes

That was either a false lucid or I was just on the edge of being lucid. Why? Although I remember saying I was lucid I didn't decide to RT or stabilize, I didn't look around, the dream wasn't particularly vivid and I don't remember much of it, although it seemed quite long...apart from that everything was fine LOL

I remember deciding to fly (fool!) As per usual in my “flying” dreams I couldn't fly very high and I remember deciding that was due to “gravity” restricting how high I could fly...when, of course, the very act of being able to leave the ground at all has already overcome the worst effects of gravity...that flawed logic further reinforces the fact that even if there was the presence of some daytime neurons/minions they had clearly only just got out of bed and were resenting it.

I remember “interviewing” two Polish women re their suitability for accommodation in my home. One was saying something about university qualifications (in DC-speak...mainly waffle) I remember asking her whether it was really that bad in Poland and her nodding. I also remember saying that “it was sad that the Polish president didn't listen to his people.”

Of course Poles are economic migrants not refugees so that's got mixed up with the greater problem. The bit about the Polish president is intriguing because I clearly remembered issues about the new Polish government but that's due to it's policies re the current refugee crisis.

How many points on the LD Richter scale? 0.001 I think...

Today I went for my daily meditation session later...at 19.00...usual routine, make sure I'm warm enough, dim the light right down, play quiet backgound music. I realise that I am drifting into hypnagogic sleep because I suddenly realised that I was slumping forward from my normal upright stance (I estimate that at least 20 minutes had passed because the music is on its 2nd loop.)

As I slowly straightened with my eyes still closed (I'm well-conditioned to remain with my eyes shut and I always do things like correcting posture or dealing with itches as if it's a slow ritual...so as not to break the atmosphere) Instinctively now, I thought “create a square.”

What I got was a much larger square than normal and inside it was a clear, quite-detailed black and white outline of a house (was it more sepia? Maybe). Then reaction set in...part of me is conditioned to “bring the mind home” for meditation...part of me felt the excitement I got when I first started getting lucid events because this might be another step towards successful visualisation ...and the image faded.

What I now know about brain neurons (my minions as I now choose to call them) is that they begin to work in unison on a set task and the more they band together the better the result. Dare I hope that they have taken the “create a square” task a stage further? Right my little minions...if so start recruiting more because I'm going to try and use meditation to get to a focussed state of hynagogia and train myself to (a) keep calm when I get an image and (b)...the difficult bit...try and move further into a sleep state while remaining partially aware (a WILD of course)

I used to regularly defy convention and attempt to WILD during the day by merely relaxing. I used to get strong SP and really strong “rushes” (as if I was going somewhere) But a dream never formed and I eventually abandoned my attempts because I began to wonder if the strength of the sensations might in fact be damaging something (perhaps my minions were getting a bit punchy.)

Maybe my current ability to meditate is what was lacking before and I'm reaching a more relaxed state. (certainly I cannot create images when fully awake) Interestingly though, I'm not getting SP or the “rushes” this time around...maybe they'll return when I train myself to hang loose and let things move forward.

As I always say...only time...and continued experimentation will tell.

It's over a month since I had 2 lucid events (not great events but something nevertheless) The weather has generally stayed moist and grey but it's far grimmer up North so I'm not complaining.

I've recorded 15 dreams since then, none lucid and three reasonably long and vivid (but nothing to really shout about) A couple were negative (I get one or two now and then) A few I could relate to something I'd done or watched, the rest were mainly just a mish-mash of obscure events.

I'm good though...generally the results are the same whether I self-condition or not...maybe the basics are now well-ingrained and other influences (as yet not detected) make the difference.

Every day...some time between 16.00 to 17.00 I retire to my bedroom, sit upright by the bed in very subdued light and with Thom Brennan's “Submergence” playing very softly in the background I meditate for about 40 minutes. I use the music because it's drone-music, always the same tune and therefore not a distraction.

I think I eventually drift towards sleep...not too close because I “snort” like a pig when I'm slipping into sleep or start to fall sideways and neither of those happen. Maybe I'm in deep meditation ...personally I think I'm maybe moving into hypnagogia (although I don't ever get a “start”).

Wherever I am it's useful...once a saw a flash of a vision of a person...too quick to identify...today I say what looked like a very clear Youtube video of a house frontage in a suburban setting It was as if I was watching from a passing car (although it never actually went out of vision??) It was so vivid I thought for a second I was watching on a pc, with my eyes open. Dark room, eyes shut, no pc.

I realised that I wasn't and I was a bit confused. Was a dream building and I merely needed to slip into it? I felt too awake to do that but I tried to relax and the image gradually faded. A hypnagogic vision? It was very clear and seemingly moving.

I cannot normally think of an object and visualise that object clearly with my eyes shut...maybe few people can... But I try to visualise a wire-frame square...no go...except I've discovered I can sometimes do that during meditation... also I can infill with colour...and several times now a rectangle with various shapes inside pops into vision...where does that come from?

So...something different again...and that's what keeps the dream alive for me...

Still planning for an expected trip with my new mate Psi, sometime in the Autumn...

Three weeks ago I had a 2 lucid dreams within 3 days...I'm finally on a roll thought I...well that didn't happen. I've had half a dozen half-hearted dreams worth recording since then, but last nights was at least fairly vivid and memorable, so I decided to WBTB late at 8am with a 1.9g melatonin tab.

I've experimented taking a tab at various times of the night, always with same result...I always sleep like a baby (dreamlessly) and today was no exception...I woke greatly refreshed at 10.30...nothing. Given that melatonin is supposed to help dreaming it just never works for me...and I suspect that 2 tabs, would probably put me out till supper-time. Maybe a shortage of melatonin is not my problem. Shortage of memory? Maybe, but I've never been Mr Memory-Man so maybe not...

I've been brain-training again to wake immediately after a dream and, early on Sunday I had a result I've had a few times before ...I woke (without a remembered dream) feeling a bit ill and with a slight feeling of dread. That's another mystery because I get up and minutes later I feel as right as rain. Trickery? Who knows?

As I've said so many times, I'll take what I can get until I get absolutely nothing...and then I'll probably still be trying.

Lucid-dreaming again last night, but with 2 major differences. Firstly, only 2 days between events...secondly I drifted in and out of lucidity on at least 4 occasions. As per usual there are prices...it takes at least 5½-6 hours of sleep, then a WBTB (so I went to bed at 12.30 and finally got up at 09.30...I couldn't do that if I wasn't retired)

Also, the events don't seem particularly long (although my recall may just be limited) It's beginning to look like I need at least 1½ hours before I WBTB (rather than the hour I have been doing) Also, I'm not doing a massive amount of preparation...the usual “I'm dreaming...I'm lucid” etc exercises throughout the day for a few moments at a time.
But, as before, I had an extended session while I'm relaxed for meditation...I'll carry on doing that.

I didn't do any reality checks during the LD...I didn't need to. I'm walking through fields and everything suddenly firms-up and becomes so vivid and I'm thinking “Yay! I'm there again” (by now I just know when I'm lucid...the sensation is so different, the level of awareness is there and I'm thinking and planning) Then it drifts a bit (my recall suggests?) until the next scene which firms-up and again becomes lucid...and so on...

As per usual, my impatience kicks in and I decide to fly...but too hastily, as I feel as if the lower part of me is lagging behind...not good. I stop, then instruct myself to start again, but slowly and gently and that works. Clearly, the whole thing wasn't a solid consistently drawn-out experience because there's gaps in my memory and the coming-and-going of lucidity but I'll take what I can get thank you brain cells (forget Ed, these are now my little Minions and I love 'em)

I'm so thrilled I start to tell the wife...and I can see her tense-up. That hurts, because we've been married so long and she surely knows that I'm not given to flights of fancy...I'm just used to sharing things with her. I tackle her about it (gently) and ask her if she thinks I'm imagining all this and she's non-committal. (you think I'd have learned by now)

Finally she says “I don't believe in this sort of thing” which presumably either means “you are imagining this or “get thee behind me Satan!” It's easy to see that it was a foolhardy individual who mentioned lucid-dreaming in the middle ages...although generations before that had a much better deal because it was “just the shrooms talking and next time you're out can you get me some dear?”

All very interesting...where to go next? 1. Keep the exercises ticking over (maybe, if I can get a cluster of lucids, things will move to earlier hours of the night...I can but hope) 2. I've got my long-term plan to kick-start the brain. 3. Who cares? I'm loving it anyway.

A puzzle. I instruct my brain to wake me closer to dreams ending and often feel a bit ill. Yet I can feel lucid dreams ending from inside a dream (how much closer can you get to dream-endings?!) and feel no ill-effects whatsoever...

Strangely, there are trade-offs. I can have a few days of 2 or 3 dream-recalls a night, but no lucids, then a cluster of days with a couple of LD's, but with no recall of other dreams...as if there are only so many Minions on the job and something has to give. Also, my developed ability to recall a dream I had a few minutes ago (and I've moved around a bit...even sat up sometimes)...results in the discovery that recalling celeb's names, if I'm watching quizzes like Pointless, requires me to wait patiently for half a minute, until my brain generally spits out the answer...send me more Minions!

It's currently a gloomy, windy, rainy start to Winter here and it's clear by now that the season affects me...I don't get SAD I just don't go out much, I don't get that all-important sun...that needs to change. Not many remembered dreams at the moment but I'm persevering with mantras and attempts to up my awareness...less impatience, steady forward-plod....I'm in that blessed state where I know I CAN do it I just need to find better ways.

So, after a total of 8 hours sleep and a WBTB I achieved a short lucid this morning. I think it was borderline because it was dark and there was no vividness but that blessed realization “this is a dream” popped up. I seemed to be in a seaside town, with 2 companions and we could see the lights of the town centre in the distance as we moved towards it.

Yesterday afternoon, as I sat down to meditate, I started by doing fairly deep conditioning re my main dream signs (not just reciting mantras, instead really picturing scenarios that contained the signs, as I mentally said things like “I'm dreaming...I'm lucid...I remember my dreams” (well buck up on that last one lately) and it may have made the difference.

In the lucid I'm pleased that I immediately went through reality checks...but forgetting to check my hands (which I love doing...that and pressing walls, which I did do) but already I could feel it slipping and I started to spin and it stabilized. I had pre-determined to look around and check everything but it was dark (a sign I think that I was always right on the edge of lucidity) Then it slipped again and I woke.

I need the brain boost that I think my new mate Psi could provide. The time is right, the conditions are right and I just need to find where he hangs out and that's the hard part. I thought I'd found him recently but, apparently, it was just someone who looked like him...gotta be careful, he has some really nasty companions...can't risk getting on their wrong side. I really need a change of local scenery...lots of fields with grazing cattle etc...places to walk and think things over and search...

Still ticking...

Getting a steady trickle of dreams and some are still quite promising (albeit non-lucid). Some are getting longer in recall...this mornings one (I was up for 2½hours then back to bed for a while) was particularly satisfying.

I'm wandering around a (German?) town (DS) and I have my girlfriend with me (sorry wifey dear, no slight intended but this is dreamstuff.) I kiss her several times (a long slow embrace) in full view of the general public (once on top of a bus) She's a bit embarrassed but responds willingly and well...lovely stuff...as good as dream sex for me and not too unfaithful.

I'm on track for a possible further operation to resolve the very distracting problem I have with this nose of mine...another bout of blood and snot but it should be worth it. I'm back persevering with awareness exercises and showing more patience this time...and I have an idea to cultivate a possible friend. I call him “Psi” and he might be able to help me move forward in my little project...we'll see..