non-lucid

[Home from work around 3pm. Sleep from 3:15pm to 9:15pm - deep sleep without dreams. Sleep again at 12:15am, alarm set 4am. Woke with no dream memory and back to sleep immediately. Woke around 6am.]

Dream 1
Finally, I get to take a nice hot bath and just relax for a bit. My tiny cat Harley is sitting in her usual spot on the side of the tub staring at the water. Suddenly, she overcomes her fear of water and just jumps in! She's so cute, swimming around in little circles but as she settles down and just sits in the water, I start to panic the water level might go over her nose and she would drown. I drain a bit of water from the tub and almost regret it as the chilly air hits my skin. She must have felt it too because she climbs up onto my chest and curls into a wet, furry ball. Perfect, I can get some more water back in here now.

Dream 2
I'm living in my grandmother's house again and my bedroom is downstairs. I just bought a futon and want it set in front of the TV, so the room needs a little rearranging. Time to take a break and get some homework done. There's a paper due in History in three days, so probably time to look at that. Looking at the assignment for the first time, the question follows a "what would you do if" kind of format but the scenario is incredibly vague. How close to this scenario do I have to stick? Can I change the plot? Characters? What we're doing? There's no way I can write it like this. [For the life of me I cannot remember what the question was, but I was having a lot of trouble!] Well, at least it only has to be three pages long. I'll just ask the instructor tomorrow and bang it out. Mouth falling open, I realize I've made a gross mistake. The paper isn't 3 pages long, it's 23 pages! Oh. My. God. NO way I can get this done in time. Panic sets in.

Dream 3
Finally given the opportunity to open my own business, I open a drive thru restaurant from my bedroom window. Aaron, my latest trainee from the manager program, is working with me as well. The night has been slow, business-wise, until about 5 minutes before closing. I would love to serve the guy, but he's driving a semi-truck and there is NO WAY that's fitting in the drive thru. After explaining that to the driver, he gets very irate and demands I bring out some coffee. To appease him, I ask Aaron to get him a cup.
"But we ran out of coffee, remember?"

Oh shit! He's right! "Then give him some food. Just something to get him out of here."

"Bitch! I don't want any god damn food. I ASKED for coffee! You dumb or something?!"

At this point I am tired and in no mood to deal with this guy. Starting to lose grip on my temper. "Sir, there is no need to be rude. I'm very sorry, I do not have any coffee right now. I am more than happy to get you something else but if you are going to continue yelling at me, you can leave. Thank you."

I close the window, lock up, and turn the lights off. Hearing the guy peel out of the parking lot, I double check to make sure he's gone but now there is two more semi-trucks outside. What the fuck? Half hour later, now that everything is clean and we are ready to leave, the two trucks are still outside. Seeing me, the drivers get out and walk towards me. They look very similar - mid 20s, maybe 6 feet tall, shaggy brown hair, light skin, dark eyes - so I conclude they are brothers.

One in a leather jacket starts hitting on me and dropping cheesy lines which his brother find hilarious. Thoroughly annoyed at his obnoxiousness, I curtly tell them, "We're closed and I'm going home. Night." The second brother threatens to do damage to the house or something if I do not serve them. Of course, I still refuse.

Out of nowhere, leather jacket man starts throwing up and cannot stop. The brother, and then myself, start to panic.

"Call 911! What's wrong with you?!" For whatever reason, he takes his time picking up the phone. In attempt to calm down Mr. Leather, I sit down and put his head in my lap. However, he then throws up on me and the smell is so ghastly I'm about to be sick.

Fighting to keep it down, I yell again, "Did you call the fucking ambulance? Where is it?" A few minutes later it finally shows up.

The EMT jumps out of the back and yells, "Does he have insurance?" Since when do EMTs ask for insurance?There's no answer so he asks again.

"Yea, yea, of course he does. The card is in his wallet."

He reaches into his brother's pocket but pulls out three wallets. "Wait, is that my wallet?! You guys are thieves! This is why you didn't want to call for help!"

Then I see a small Latino boy by my front door. As the EMT calls the police on the thief, I walk over to the boy, but as I get closer I see he is terrified. "Como te llamas? Como estas?" "Estoy bien..."

He switches over to English and I'm impressed with how intelligent he is and how he has almost no accent. He explains the guy stole something from him, a very fancy painting, and now that he's super sick, the boy is worried he might never get picture back.

"Don't worry hon, I'll find it for you." The scene changes and now the thief is locked in jail. Well, he's not dying at least. I found the picture and gave it back to the young boy. He was so happy and his smile so brilliant with gratitude, I remember seeing sunshine in the background. Dream ends...

Observation
After each dream, I remember retelling each one to someone. I don't know who and they didn't say anything. It seems this happens a lot in my dreams lately. Is this how I might be remembering them so vividly when I wake up? Hmm...

[Left work early. Got home around 3:00pm. * and took a nap, fell asleep around 3:15pm. Woke around 4:45pm.]

[Playing a character in the dream but saw good friends from middle school (Chad and John), a former boss that constantly berated me (Nina), a current kind co-worker (Evelina), and an old interest that attempted to use me to gain a US Visa (Nawras).]

I am going on a big trip with a group from school [not real school, class, ect]. We fly somewhere and are staying at the huge luxury resort. We are a part of some big event and there are groups from many other schools around the country. Nina is supervising our group and is not too happy about it. We leave our rooms to meet in a large conference room to read the event rules and regulations - what to do and not to do while we are in the resort.

At the moment there is only a few of us and it is silent while each person reads the rules separately. Evelina, who finishes first, casually walks over to look out the floor-to-ceiling window (many stories up) that faces the huge parking lot. Laughing to herself she exclaims, "Wow! There's two HUGE cars out there parked where we have to use the restroom. Why would they do that?" Thinking HUGE means limousines, I quickly join her at the window to look outside. Despite half the parking lot being empty, there is a black and a white SUV parked on the grass right next to the small path leading to the bathroom. What jerks! There are PLENTY of spaces.

Shaking my head, I walk back to other side of room and start reading. Apparently the rules are ridiculous because I read the first sentence and mutter, "DAMN!" This is met with a dirty glare from Nina and I immediately apologize and avoid looking at her. From the corner of my eye I see my friend is grinning behind her papers trying not to laugh at me.

A few hours later, my friend and I go exploring in the lush green hills and bordering forest behind the resort. We noticed a lot of people have been disappearing down in that area and reappearing later giggling and chatting among themselves but refuse to tell us anything. We're determined to see what everyone is up to; plus, it is all the more exhilarating because we are not supposed to leave the hotel property and we're feeling a bit naughty.

A mile or so behind the hotel we're almost at the line of the forest. There is a small shed like at my grandmother's house in front of a 5 foot high wood plank fence. Behind the fence I can see a wire mesh cage over a few small bushes. A little further behind the cage is a 6 foot tall wood chair, similar to a life guard seat at the beach, and next to this is a pile of brush. People are coming and going from somewhere nearby so I decide to pop over the fence and take a look.

As I start over the top plank, my cell phone rings - it's an unknown number. Hesitating for a moment, I finally pick up. "Hello?"
"Hi gorgeous. What's your name?"
"Uuuhhh... Emily. Why?"
"Emily, I love that sexy voice you have. You know what you should do with that smoky voice of yours?"

At this point I remember someone telling me one of the groups at the resort got a hold of a handful of women's numbers and were calling them to attempt to initial what they called "phone flirting" conversations. At a loss of what to do next - because I am too nice to just hang up the phone and go back to my adventure - I look desperately to my friend to help. Huge grin plastered on her face, she takes the phone from my hand and interrupts the "charmer" on the other end with the most high pitched voice I've ever heard.

"Hi, my name is Amie. How are you?"
I burst out laughing while the confused guy on the phone sputters, "W...wait. Is this Emily or Aime?"
"Both!"
"Oh fuck!" Click! Call end!

Now we're both laughing our asses off over how randomly absurd the entire conversation was when I see my old friend Chad sitting in the life guard seat. As I turn to get his attention, John, who apparently has been looking for us, catches up. I start telling him about the phone call and my situation earlier with Nina.

"I seriously could NOT get through that thing without muttering swears under my breath."
Amie chimes in with, "No, really John, she could NOT stop swearing. She said like four things right in front of Nina and I thought she was about to get attacked. The look on her face was HILARIOUS!" John and I are rolling on the ground laughing and Amie is doubled over with laughter. We recover a few minutes later and I start to climb the fence again.

I make eye contact with Chad and he is not amused.
"How the heck did you get out here Chad?"
"Only certain people can know and you're not one of them so you should just get back to the hotel."

I just shrug off his shortness and start looking around. I can see a huge bush about 20 feet from the cage that I couldn't see before because the shed blocked my view. Heading in that direction, I walk past the cage and just happen to notice there are tiny baby rabbits inside the wire mesh; they look so soft and warm! Glancing to my left, wait... Woah! A random guy pushes up the pile of brush, sees me, and quickly disappears. It must be a secret trap door!

In my excitement, I start towards the pile when Chad stops me. "No! Stop! That's private property and we cannot be near it. Listen, there's a tunnel in the bushes over there that leads back to the basement of the hotel. That's what everyone's been up to. Just go." Smiling triumphantly, I go check out the bushes and sure enough, there is a huge dark tunnel! So through it I go.

Arriving finally back at the resort, I pop in somewhere to see Nawras. I must have known from before that he would be there with some friends but because the hotel is so massive, I did not think it likely we would even see each other. Momentarily I am dazzled by his sexy smile and well-toned body. The old crush surfaces at that moment and all I want to do is get him back to my room to finish off this attraction once and for all.

Before I can even open my mouth to return his greeting though, the memories of his betrayals flood back into my head. When he used to blow me off for his friends but seem conveniently interested with me when he needed a ride. Then when he magically appeared in my life three years later, out of the blue, to talk to me on the phone for hours about why he is so much more mature than when he was in college. Finally finishing it off with his admission that he was going to ask to marry me so he could gain a US Visa but once he realized I was not leaving my boyfriend for him, he never talked to me again.

Not only did he use me, but I was stupid enough to let him, even after catching onto his game the first time. Am I that in need of someone to talk openly with? A close friend? I think not, but there is a reason for everything - even if it is a bad reason. These negative emotions effectively wake me fully.

[Observations]
I am seeing an interesting theme of negative emotions that I've set aside or ignored manifesting themselves suddenly in my dreams. I wonder if this is due to my openness to new experiences or if it is only because I am now making an attempt to remember my dreams. Hmm...

[Sleep at 12:15 am. Alarm off at 4:00 am - awake for 5 minutes. Non-lucid. Recorded 6:05 am.]
I remember talking to someone about Opa's death. While in real life I have been sad and, of course, I miss him, I have not really cried or even thought about it beyond the first day. In the dream though, I broke down into hysteric tears. I really missed him and felt his lose deeply even though we were not too close. [I suddenly remember when he stood up for me against Oma with the whole mayo fiasco.]

Then I was possibly half awake and still crying. I knew I had been dreaming but also recognized the fact that I needed to cry since I had not allowed myself to do so in real life.

The dream started somewhere else with a person (the one I was talking to about Opa) but I can't remember what we were doing or why. We were walking at the time of the conversation, and it was dark. Everything was dark. [Because I did not have to see to feel. Sight can be misleading, as I had let my emotions misguide me. In order to heal on a deep level, I needed to FEEL, not to think or rationalize.] Remember thinking I should wake up and write it down, but was still partly sleeping and wanted to continue - very tired.

[Contemplation. Dream fragments remembered until entire dream pieced together. 4.30.13 1:30pm]
At the beginning there was I girl with light skin and long dark hair pulled back. She was talking to me and leading me somewhere. Saw through my own eyes, or the eyes of the player, not watching from above like usual. Was I myself? Or just a character?

Surrounded by darkness and rocks. Maybe in some kind of cave? Was there water nearby? On the walls? Possibly in the cave behind my waterfall, but then why would I have to be lead. I WAS following, but why and to where?

Dream then changed, but same darkness followed. Not a scary, fear inducing darkness, more a comforting, peaceful darkness. I felt at ease, walking next to someone. I believe different then the girl in the beginning, but somehow felt the same, just older. More wise and knowing. Talking to me as we walked through the darkness. I don't remember hearing words, but knew there was a conversation. Don't know where we were or where we were going. More like surrounded by nothingness. Going no where, doing nothing but being.

Suddenly flooded by thought of Opa and feelings of immense sadness and loss. I was crying. Although there was so much pain, I knew this was a part of a healing process that I have not allowed myself in a waking state. I knew I had to think of him, of how much I missed him, and just let the tears come. I felt safe knowing this woman was somehow supporting me, encouraging me to let myself simply feel.

I believe I partly woke up, crying, and reflected on this experience as something I needed in order to move on. I know I suppress my emotions in a waking state, so much that it very rarely even creeps into my dreams, so I know I am making progress. I felt relief.

I knew I should write everything down or forget the details, but somehow felt the beginning of the dream was not significant and had no fear forgetting the rest. Too tired to wake fully, possibly even still dreaming. Floated back into sleep.

Was this my guide? Do I need to let myself heal emotionally before I can travel successfully? Hopes of seeing Dason still hold me back. I need to let this go while coping with the reality that he is gone. I need to find a way to hold on to his memory while still somehow moving on. This is a big task that will take time. My guide will help me. I have full trust in her.

[Sudden memory from 8 years ago. Remember the dream so long ago? A sword. A guide. A tower. Dason, Brittany, max?, Jamaal? We were going to take over the world. Change it. What did she say to me? Only he could do something, but I was needed for... something. Same guide? He was the tower, looking up at its immense structure. The guide and myself watched from above. "You know he is the only one that can change the world?" I was disappointed it wasn't me, but I was also young and immature. She was wise. What was meant? What was my purpose? I knew instinctively others were involved, but I played a big role in this change. So long to go without this dream... until now. Why?]

[Contemplation and inspiration. 4.30.13 10:15 pm]
Tarot reading few months ago. Guidance, reversed. Thought nothing of it until the following weekend when it all occurred to me at once. I ask for guidance, as if I do not have it, but in fact I do. There are signs every where and I have the tools to guide myself, but I set this all aside because I am waiting for guidance from him. He cannot lead me any further. "I have taught you everything you need to know." At the time, I cried. I knew it was a dismissal, a good-bye. How right I was... I need to heal and move on. It is possible he still exists outside my heart, but I need to progress with my own insight or risk losing everything. Guidance is here, I just have to open my eyes to it. Now, my guide has returned. Whether an astral being, a spirit, or a creation of my mind, to me it is a representation of guidance. It is knowledge and understanding to help me see choices and follow my own paths. It is me.