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29th August 2021

Some in-line notes/thoughts.

Fragment:

(last part of a dream)

Not sure where I am, some house. H is here and some client of his. There is some upset because of people doing some kind of eBay boycott or slandering. I feel I know exactly why; in Discord, talking to A and G and some other furries, another (dream-generated) furry called "Daster" is mentioned as having made a journal about eBay shenanigans. But reading what Daster said, it seems to read fine actually and it's more like others didn't read it thoroughly and have blown it out of proportion.

(on waking from this, I wondered why I didn't consider this a dreaming situation while dreaming)

Fragment:

(some early dream)

In an old and abandoned building. It's an abandoned nuclear power plant. Me, H and DH (who we were recently introduced to in WL) are here, I think trying to get the power plant working again. Some circuit boards in a control room of sorts seem to be damaged? Other mechanical bits need replacing, overall. DH plays around with one of those chunky armoured cables we saw in A's garage while we were away. DH draws arcs with it and stuff, across some of the control room machinery.

The electric arcs are just barely visible (making me think of X-Ray radiation being at play) and they are long and a very faint but somewhat bright light blue colour. Something happens and an arc strikes all three of us. I feel dizzy at first. Then we all start experiencing psychotropic symptoms. I start to trip, basically. I start seeing colours more vividly and my field of view starts distorting.

Fragment:

I'm with H in a village, it's daytime, either cloudy or sunny. We walk past a house that has some interesting rendering. Then I see there's this huge Viking-like church. I ask H what's it like inside and he says he's never been in. I think earlier we are in a town much like my old home town, but with much taller buildings. I remember being atop one of these buildings at one point (looking down?). Things are trippy at some points, like an Escher painting kind of trippy, with forced perspectives and things like that.

Fragment:

A dream bit with a film noire feel to it but not actually in greyscale. Not sure that I'm even a character at all. Some guys get a mobile call. They're in a busy path by an equally busy canal. New York accents or something? Something stereotypical and period-like anyway. On the phone, they're discussing a paid assassination job. The seeming protagonist is trying to be tactful with the discussion in public, unlike his colleague was when he had a turn on the phone. There's a scene that I think is supposed to be comical or juxtaposing because this heavy and serious discussion passes right in front of a children's choir practising on the canal and as they pass them, the main character alludes to this in a humorous way that "disguises" the assassination conversation as he goes past.

Scraps:

Very vague recall of making an abstract art piece and uploading it semi unfinished.

---

Notes:

- I am not sure why the first dream fragment might have manifested, but probably a mix of worries. I have never encountered anyone by a username of "Daster" and when I looked it up, I couldn't really find anything relating to that dream's content.

- In a more recent dream than in this entry, I had another dream where there was concern over non-visible radiation. I think this is often a sub-conscious worry of sorts, not strictly just about radiation, also about other non-visible agents that might cause harm and that is to say, such things as viruses, something else that has recently appeared in dreaming.

- Strangely, the dreaming for this day seemed to have a "trippy" factor as quite a prominent feature. I don't recall ever having "tripped" in that sense, although I can imagine to some extent what it might be like, but I am not sure what brought this on as a dreaming thing.

- The Viking-like church is probably both a residue of a Minecraft town we'd been building and of an actual church we recently visited that had a similar feel, in some respects.
-- The village area we were in was similar to several different local ones we've been to, for church-related stuff.

Non-dream stuff - woke up only at roughly 10:20 again and had to answer the door as well. Was having a weird non-lucid, but quite many details lost.

---

Dream:
In the first half of this sequence there were twisty roads down a forested mountain; it was a pine forest. Then I remember seeing a digital map, with a few roads going to a specific place that was being highlighted.

Then I remember me and my partner were in the car but I could see through third-person view and we were getting on a motorway suspended over the ocean and we were speeding; there was at least one truck and a few other cars as we got on the motorway and then it sort of curved for a little bit, before we started going quite fast and the road went straight again, and it turned into aggressive ups and downs (with inclinations greater than 40 degrees). It was night and in the distance there was a sunset, in the horizon, where the road seemed to go.

Then, a cavernous-like place, with dim red light, this was where the map was highlighting before; this was like some nexus point between dimensions, and there were some creatures that chased me, or perhaps more accurately followed me, since they weren't energetically chasing after me. At the end there was a room. A mostly square room, with a skylight, and a door that shut behind me, which I remember looking at; it was a wooden door and it had 3 things like badges or medals hanging off it. I remember they were a dark blue colour.

The skylight took up a large area of the ceiling and some sort of daylight came through, as if it was a cloudy day. This room was the actual nexus, it was somehow implied to me during the dream. Then next to where I was in the room, there was a counter to the right and on it was a miniature dresser, and on that, a black cat's head. The head was alive, simply disembodied, and spoke or something. But the cat was mean somehow, and for some reason I remember rubbing my elbow on the cat's face, watching it do those amusing faces when cats don't like something.

Some part of the dream related to this nexus repeated itself.

---

Notes:

• Because I remember so little detail, the most impressive thing from the dream was perhaps the room with the skylight.
• There were only two doors in that room, one being the one I entered from, and another being on the wall to the left. While the room was square or rectangular, it had a sort of cut at the far right corner, like for a pillar.
• There were other things atop that counter the cat was also on, but I can't remember them. The middle of the room was empty, as I remember seeing most of the daylight on the floor.
• I'm not sure what the (waking) context is for this room and its contents. The cat head is probably the most bizarre thing I've dreamed recently, and simply because I have no context whatsoever for its appearance.
• The context of the suspended motorway and the roads is probably from playing a bit of Fallout last night. I always like the suspended highway lanes in the game universe.
• The cavern's context is probably also from last night, because the last thing I did in the game was go around hunting Deathclaws, which usually live in highly radiated areas, and sometimes dark caves.
• The pine forest reminds me of the greatwood forest I saw when I was in California some years ago.

12/06/2011
"Chocolate"

I was in the woods, but I believe I was only watching this dream; disembodied. It was a backwoods slasher-movie type of scenario, with this huge, hulking mutant of a hillbilly cannibal lumbering around in a filthy shack. I had seen more of this 'creature' - for lack of a better word - earlier on in the dream, but I don't remember very much. I know that he had a double-barrelled shotgun that he carried on him, at all times, and his house was pretty much just carelessly littered with the carcasses of his past victims. And that he was ugly, and that the only word he ever said throughout the dream was "chocolate", in a low, neanderthalic voice.

Before too long, there was a group of three hikers, who'd come up a trail that took them into this freakshow's area. They soon found themselves confronted by this monstrousity and abducted at gunpoint - thrown into cages and held until their new host decided that he was hungry. The room that they were being held in looked like a lion's den. The rotting remains of his 'left-overs' thrown carelessly all across the room. It was a disgusting sight, and the hikers knew that they had to try to and escape as soon as they could. At first, they could only see the gory, dismembered remains of those who were there before them, but it wasn't until later that they figured out their mutant captor was actually eating his victims. One of the hikers actually ended up being eaten, but I don't remember it. However I did find out that "chocolate" was what he refered to his victims as, while eating them.

The last thing I remember is that 2 of the hikers had made it out of the ordeal alive. The other was 'turned into chocolate' - meaning he was eaten. (Actually, it wasn't until writing this, that I realized how much the mutant's calling his victims 'chocolate' sounded so much like when Majin Buu was turning people into chocolate on Dragonball Z.) The remaining two had spent the last few minutes running for their lives, through the woods, and had stopped somewhere to breathe, thinking that they had lost their pursuer. I was watching them, sitting on a downed tree trunk, just beginning to relax after the hell they'd been through. Then, I heard the familiar grumble of the word "chocolate," and twin shotgun barrells raised up into my perspective, as if I was the one behind the trigger. There was a loud blast, and I watched one of the men explode, from his head to his ribcage - ripped open as if the shotgun blast had been a grenade that went off in his body. I had just enough time to see the man beside him flinch from the crimson explosion, before everything went black.

09/15/2011
Dream Fragment One
All I remember was that I was in a house that I thought was my own. I walked outside, and it was night time. Looking to one side, I noticed that the outside of the house was definitely not my house. For one brief moment, I realized that I had no idea where I was, and that this had to be a dream. Unfortunately, I woke up immediately after this realization.


Dream Fragment Two
I was driving around, downtown somewhere, with MJ. We were just hanging out for a while, but I don't really remember too much that went on.


Dream Three
"Friends 'til the End...and Then Some."

This was a really strange dream, and I'm not sure if I can remember the exact details, because it was kind of confusing. I was not actually a participant in this dream. I just seemed to be watching it. Apparently, there were two middle-aged women, who were extremely close friends. One of them - a brunette - really reminded of Rosanne Arnold. The other woman - blonde - was being abused by some deadbeat dude, and ended up getting critically injured by him. (I don't believe she died, though.) Later, her friend had done something to the man, in order to get revenge. I can't remember what it was, but she definitely put him in his place. She might have killed him. I'm not sure.

However, the twist came when the brunette woman was sitting in her home one night, and she picked up the phone to call her friend. My disembodied perspective came in on the conversation, as she was sitting on her bed and explaining to her friend about how she avenged her friend and 'got the bastard' that critically injured her. Suddenly, I could hear her friend on the phone. Her voice was filled with sorry, and it seemed so much more like she was talking to herself, rather than talking to the friend who was telling her about how she's gotten the man back for what he'd done. I could hear the blonde's muffled voice through the phone, sobbing to herself about how much she misses her friend (the brunette), how she wishes she was still alive, and how she hated the man that killed her beloved friend.

The brunette was visibly shocked by this. She called into the phone "hello?? hello??!", trying to get clarification, but it seemed that her blonde friend couldn't hear her. It was if the phone call was not actually happening, and she was just somehow listening to her blonde friend talking to herself. Then, the brunette began to piece together what was going on, and my perspective followed her recollection as if it were a movie flashback. It showed that the brunette was actually the one who was attacked by the man in question. I saw a quick flash of her getting struck down by him, and then another flash of a funeral service. The brunette woman was in an open casket, and her blonde friend was standing nearby. My perspective then switched back to the brunette, in her room, still clutching the phone. The realization came to her (and me, of course), that she was the one who had been killed, and that everything that had happened after her death (killing the man, talking on the phone to her friend) was all just fabrications of the afterlife that came with her apparent inability to accept the fact that she had died. My recollection of the dream faded as the woman was just sitting on the bed with the look of complete shock on her face, trying to make sense of just what the hell happened to her.


Dream Fragment Four
I was laying on a couch. On the couch with me was the brunette from the previous dream. The blonde was sitting on a nearby loveseat. Having no idea that I was still dreaming, I was explaining the previous dream to the two of them, as if they were my waking world friends. They listened intently, while I recounted all the details.


Dream Five
"The Undead of Winter"

(Another crazy one, and I have the feeling I'm missing a lot that went on, before my initial recollection of the dream begins.)

I was in an enormous mansion, along with some friends. The first thing I remember is that we had done something we weren't supposed to do, and ended up unleashing a horde of zombies from deep within the mansion. Once they were unleashed, they just began streaming out of every door and hallway, in absolutely insane numbers. We all ran for our lives, trying not to get lost in the building. I remember the final stretch of hallway, leading toward the exit, and ducking and dodging all of the flailing, undead arms that were reaching out for us as we passed.

When we finally made it outside, we found ourselves in a snow-white clearing. It looked like this mansion was secluded out in the Alps, or something, with the tundra-like setting all around us. The zombies continued to flood out of the mansion by the thousands, and we had something of a stand-off, out here, because it seemed like all directions were blocked by impassable landscape. I remember having some sort of contraption in my pocket that helped point me out to where any potential weapons were. However, with the zombies beginning to box us in, there was no way that I could get to any of them. They eventually closed in on us, and I remember dying at least once.

Before I knew it, I was back inside the mansion. We had just accidentally set the zombies free (again), and they were filling the mansion again, while we made our second escape. With some awareness of what had happened, the first time, I pulled out my 'weapon-finder' much earlier, on this second run. As soon as I exited the mansion, I took a sharp right and dashed toward a crowbar that the gadget had directed me to. I picked it up and began bludgeoning the creatures back, as best I could. There were far too many of them, though, and they just kept on coming. We continued to be pushed back to the rough terrain, as we had before, but we somehow figured out that these zombies only advanced on us when we were looking at them, and whenever we would turn our eyes from them, they would either freeze up, or wander about aimlessly. (I also remember something about music being involved, and how music being played also caught them to wonder around at random, instead of toward us. It all felt like a zombie-apocalypse game I tried out the other day on the PC, where the zombies wouldn't come close to you, unless you were moving around and drawing attention to yourself, but a little different. Can't remember the name of the game, though.)

Using this knowledge of how to stun them to our advantage, the last thing I remember is our group working together to stun them and toss grenades into the fray, when there were enough of them in a single spot to maximize damage to the horde. However, we knew that we just did not have enough resources to take them out, and they continued to stream out of the mansion in numbers that didn't seem to show any signs of dwindling.

WAKING LIFE DREAMING LUCID
BOLD IF IT FEELS PARTICULARLY SIGNIFICANT

This dream is from the night before the night before last


Book-ended Children

Children running down a sloping sidewalk that curved back and forth. Stone wall along the sidewalk. Cobblestone ground. My consciousness looking down on them as they ran toward “me”. Saying to myself I remember this, I remember reading this. My mom was showing me another reel.

There was something forced about what the children were doing. they didn’t like it but they did relatively well at pretending. I think I knew more about why, that it had something to do with the parents, but I don’t recall now.

Mom put on another old reel. it seemed to be of my father’s side of the family. I knew he would like to see it and wondered at my mom having it instead of him.

In waking life my father idealizes tradition and is also an extraordinarily creative and brilliant man. I think he idealizes being a child, simple carefree yet responsible times. He was a “hippie” black sheep in his family when he was younger. That side of my family had a lot of power that was used for massive capitalistic gains and political influence. There is corruption, greed, addiction, and yet amazing intelligence and creativity smattered around the people. I am curious and feel it is important to know more about this family history. It also makes me feel sick to think of knowing more. My fascination and desire to know the different sides of my family (and myself) usually wins out, though. Well, at least in the internal battles of which I am aware.

I watched the reel on an old contraption that displayed more like a television than a projector. My mom stood to the side, close to the moving picture.

Soft thwacking noises like an old projector. I could almost see the frames as they shuffled past, specks and lines of light flashing and morphing with them.

A man (I think a/the/[my?] father), somber and proud like in older photographs, sat on the right, looking at the camera. The children to the left of him in their sitting positions, and then sat a huge man in a tuxedo complete with tailcoat. The two men were like bookends, the children between them. We’d only been watching it a minute, and mom already wanted to change reels. I said no, I want to see them when they move. I said their body language would be very significant, would show me more about who they actually are. It felt intensely important and I was riveted.

The large, hulking man stood and walked to the right. Maybe 8 or 9 feet tall, who knows, maybe 10. Big, round belly, sloped shoulders. (He reminds me of the way my maternal grandpa looked when he was dying of cancer, that same kind of oval shape, but much more extreme, and more solid and thick.) I didn’t think he was a family member of mine. The father (it was my impression I think, though perhaps it was a waking reflection) stood and slowly walked to the right. I watched his body carefully (from where the audience would be if there was one) and couldn’t tell much about him from the way he walked. It was so slow, as if he was favoring physical pain. His stiffness swallowed up his personality.

There were a lot of dream characters projecting their personae in this dream, like they were conforming to older, more serious social pressures. Personae that were hollow yet strong. Weak, deep, and shallow and full of tightly woven rules.

I feel an association between the father dream character and my paternal great grandfather, father of my father's father. I never knew him. It makes sense, given my grandfather’s and his brother’s dichotomies, success and greed for one, creativity and susceptibility in the other. Or so I've interpreted and oversimplified.

The trickle of this history of family emotions is a reason I think this song taps a large body of water inside me.



“I am out here studying stones
trying to learn to be less alive
using all of my will to keep very still
still even on the inside

I've cut all the pertinent wires
so my eyes won't make their connections
I am holding my breath
I am feigning my death
when I'm looking in your direction

...when all the forbidden fruit is fallen and rotted
well that's when I'm gonna come down"

Even if they’re partial hogwash, I feel love flowing from new understandings.