Recent DJ Posts

Seeing Guilt:

I'm at a waiting area with my sister. Looks similar to an Optim-Eyes building.
There is a girl my age there playing Pokemon Green on a gameboy.
...
Later I'm at the girl's house.
It's a bit dark, low lights. Somewhat gloomy feeling.
She's showing me her Pokemon in the game.
We kiss, and my sister sees it.
...
I'm driving my sister and I home.
I'm concerned that my sister will tell my girlfriend about the kiss.

Infiltration:

I'm at a spring-time college setting, somewhat similar to the campus from The Magicians.
The 'popular kids' are playing tennis on a court nearby.
I'm sitting on a bench and it deforms strangely to accommodate the way I am leaning on it.
I'm watching a speech being given by a person on stage.
The person is somebody I had met recently. He calls me out as his best friend in front of the crowd.
...
It's night-time and I'm on an initiation mission. It's winter now.
There is a target home I'm supposed to enter. I find it and there is a basement window from below.
It's covered in snow but I can see it and begin to clear it, but the glass breaks.
I see the Durselys from Harry Potter eating dinner in their dining room.
They panic, thinking I'm a monster, elf, or something magical.
...
Later I'm back at a base. Still the same winter night.
The base is in a park lit by some torches. The torches show the Triforce insignia from The Legend of Zelda.
Green Arrow from DC Comics is the leader of the group.
He's calling out another member for messing up my mission.
This individual has essentially set me up to fail.

The world was an interactive painting! My mom appeared (she loves painting) and we started painting reality together. I reached out and smeared the mountains into the sky, then started digging out globs of paint from the sky. It peeled away and changed colors, having endlessly deep layers of different colored realities/paint underneathe.

I decided to show my mom something, but as I moved in front of her, her arm broke.

If i was nonlucid or this was waking life, I would have been horrified, apologized, rushed her to a doctor, etc. but knowing this was a dream, I was more concerned about the implications of this shift in tone.

It being a dream, I chose that reality of dream mom breaking her arm because of my actions… We were having a great time, then something in me decided to change the dream scene to this. Of all things. Wallowing in distress and guilt for injuring her.

Nope.

Not wanting to let myself be emotionally manipulated by my own dream, I apologized and walked away, deciding to disengage before the scene could devolve further into the inevitable.

Then a scam text woke me up.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP


I am a college student and I hit and run a man and left him bleeding to death on the road. My thought was that he was going to die anyway, before help arrived and so I rationalized that fleeing wouldn't ruin even more lives, namely mine and of those around me who would suffer immensely if I was convicted of manslaughter. So I decided to run away and pretend I had nothing to do with it and act normally. I was absolutely sure I could pull it off, even when the police appeared on campus and started investigating the students.
I am heading to the library and the detectives are in the corridor talking to people and my paranoid mind believes a couple of them seem to be watching every movement I make and my facial expressions. I do get a bit nervous and I bump into a table and throw an ashtray to the ground, but I am already out of their sight. At the library I steal some chips from some kid who has a bag of chips open on his table. He doesn't even flinch. Wonder if that's because he is my friend or he just fears me. I go meet a friend at the most far back table and he is playing a computer game with cars and he is very proud that he managed to fit a car with a long hood into the back of a truck cabin and make a weird truck trailer, just to prove his smart and ability to bend the rules and codes of the game. I couldn't care less and cars actually trigger me at the moment, but I engage with his enthusiasm, to not raise suspicion. Later on I meet a group of friends, who are all very shocked with the events. One of the girls (looks my old friend Mara) says she would have no mercy for whomever the killer is. I feel very uncomfortable that I am the person and imagining if it is ever found out.
We go for a walk outside the campus and we pass by the road where the accident happened, but they don't know that. There is no longer any sign of what happened, besides a patch of sand the authorities spread to soak up the blood. But my friends don't know, they have no idea where the accident happened, so "Mara" asks what is this for and I swiftly say probably to cover some oil spill. They look at me a bit strangely and I say I am just guessing. We arrive at some snack-bar / pub by the side of the road, where they like to go, and the cops and detectives are gathered there. This makes me anxious. There is also Master Harry, a Scott who is like the keeper of the campus. He spots us and invite us along. But my friends feel super interested in talking to the cops. The owner of this place is a surfer and has a long board decorating the place, above our heads and one of the detectives apparently also surfs so they engage in conversation regarding the long board. I am not interested.
Then the older detective throws me a bate, by teasing me about a plant cared by the bar owner. I am not the least interested. He asks me stuff like if I can identify it, if I'd like to have one too and what I think about this guy managing to have one in this climate. And I am like "why should I care?". Then he shows me it is a pineapple and asks me if I shouldn't I be more enthusiastic about plants. I realize he already knows too much about me and my interests, which means I am a suspect. I do have a greenhouse that I care for meticulously at my parents house and I care a lot about plants, just not in this context with the stress I am feeling. I am seeing my life going down the drain. I don't know how they know, but they already suspect it was me, and are just trying to catch me. I think about my plants dying if I am arrested and I feel extremely sad for that, more than anything else.

Back to previous dream. I am not caught yet, but I am going crazy with the guilt and duplicity. I have to deal with several people related to the victim and the feeling that I am keeping this secret from them and they would hate me if they knew the truth is consuming me. I am wishing to go to some island where nobody knows me and start a new life.
I am staying at some pension of a lady who isn't particularly fond of me. She complains of something I supposedly did in the kitchen and asks me to clean it, but I am relieved to know it is just a silly thing I didn't even do. She has no clue that some other night I was drunk and peed in the kitchen. So I go look into the fridge and instead of cleaning whatever, I steal something, like some cheese and bread to make a sandwich. Then I hear her talking to her daughter, who just arrived from school and is complaining about something. Her mother says "well, you're not doing anything, because her mom is Carolina Herrera and nobody dares to upset that family at this moment, because of the terrible thing that happened to her dad."
They are talking about the man I killed. I feel guilty again and run to my room. The room looks like my mom's office and there are tigers outside of the window trying to come in, so I rush to shut all the openings and lock the door.

At my mom's house, It's night and I look outside. I spot a UFO, just a white light orb dancing around at distance. Then I spot another one, static and the first one moves towards the still one and then they both move away. During the day I spot one again in the sky. I start seeing them a lot. One day I spot one very small just hovering a street. I now am able to spot them all over the streets, spying on people, unaware of them. Only I seem to be able to see them. with the help of some friends, I capture one. It is the size of a basketball and it loses the ability to camouflage when offline. I show to my friends, who believed me but had never seen one themselves. I teach my friends how to spot them, and we can see them in the sky, in strategic places, positioned in geometric clusters. They form ice crystal like shapes with arms connecting them inside pentagonal areas. These bigger structures seem to be regulating the climate or other purposes. The little ones at the street level are watching us on a daily basis.

Back to the dream. Me and my friends are now a rebel force meeting in secret and collecting data on these UFOs, trying to understand what they are here for. One day, I am on a bus ride with one of this friends and we spot one in the sky, after a long time not seeing them. We wondered if they found a new way to cloak or had simply disappeared. Then we see two jets flying on each side of the orb but at some point leaving and the orb staying fixed in a position. Me and friend point to it but no one else seems to see it. As I point to it, I feel like I am pushing a button and the orb opens up into a square of squares of different size, like a virtual keyboard. On top rows are bigger blue squares and bellow are smaller red squares. So I do what I did before and also pretend to click them as if they are buttons. I push a random combination of keys. The UFO/keyboard disappears and immediately strange things happen, like some cars on the road going bananas as if they lost their electronics, and going over the rails and crashing. We rush to meet with the others and tell them what happened. They are a bit incredulous, but I explain maybe all orbs are programmable but we need to crack the code and see which combinations do what. Then the girl who usually brings us food comes in looking scared. Says the building is surrounded and they threatened her. Everyone wonders how they found us and I say I actually told them and it is part of a bigger plan, but they think I am just crazy and are in shock that I did that. I seem to have a really intricate plan, but I wake up before finding out.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

I was accused of committing a murder, but was exonerated from the charges. Still, people believe I did it and especially the family of the victim and friends and neighbors, all treat me like a murderer and I feel this constant aggression towards me from people, wherever I go. But to be honest I really can't tell if I committed the crime or not. All I feel is that whomever the victim was, was not an innocent being and his/her family is equally disgusting and unworthy of breathing, so maybe I did it. I still feel a good person and victim of injustice anyway. Also, there is a dog somehow involved in the story and I am happy the dog is fine and was not harmed in the process.

I am at work, in the clearance section. Two or three guys are browsing together over here; one of them approaches me, holding a pure white men's jumpsuit, saying he’s looking for a different size. I quickly scan all of the hanging white items as well as the single rack that’s on the wall by the jeans. I come back over to tell him that I didn’t find any, when we see a folded, white dress shirt on the cream white and fairly empty shelf in front of us at shoulder height. I casually offer it as a possible substitute. He unfolds it to find out that it’s actually a tuxedo vest. He says something like ‘oh nice, a vest,’ like it would actually work for him. As he is unfamiliar and possessing of a sort of expressionless face, I can’t tell if he’s being serious or if he’s fucking with me. I now unfold another, and this one is actually a dress shirt. It’s close to a jumpsuit in only the material - it’s heavier, like a broadcloth, also a cream white. This guy is actually happy with it and is going to get it. After they have left, I end up putting some items in the clearance next to the kids shoes. The shoes are on a torso-high display and looking pretty disheveled. There are way more things in this section than in real life. I start walking somewhere else, and the whole place is different and much larger than in real life. It seems more open; there’s a sort of skywalk to another part of the mall (or casino? - it feels a little like a casino). Over by it, I briefly help a Hispanic man look for something before I go to do something else. I end up over by the suits fitting room. There’s a computer desk at the wall opposing the opening at which sits Evelyn. I have the impression that someone’s been trying to call me on this radio, but I’m not entirely sure. I ask Evelyn if they have, and she says yes. Someone (the lady at work with sort of darker skin and frizzy hair who I think is a supervisor and whose name I’m not sure of) starts walking over to me, saying that I didn’t really help my customer if I didn’t completely follow through (referencing the Hispanic man). She directs our attention to the man who is standing on the skywalk, arms crossed, but not in an unpleasant way. He’s wearing a plum colored long sleeve with a vest over it, blue jeans, and cowboy boots. He seems dependent on the help, not in a co-dependent way, but more like he is turning the trust over to the employee. I tell this supervisor sorry, I was helping someone else and so my radio was down, slowly adjusting the volume up as I speak. I do feel poorly for leaving him and for not hearing the radio. I tell her I know I was helping him, but I forget what for, and ask if she knows. I genuinely am trying to remember. There’s another employee too, and they look slightly incredulous. I can’t tell if they find it funny or think I’m stupid or both. At one point, someone was ridiculing me for something, and it irritated me enough that I considered bringing it up to someone higher up. Anyway, I attempt to make it right and start walking over to the man. There is a rush of people moving in both directions, causing me to lose sight of him. I reach the top of the incline on this skywalk so I can survey it all the way to the bottom, but he is nowhere to be found. I double back and still, nothing. I’m by an elevator now; it is closing, so I get the notion to jump into it while I can. Literally jumping forward into it, the doors brush me on each side before closing on my JCP key lanyard trailing behind me. I pull it out and turn around to be greeted by two Hispanic men. They both seem genial and good-natured, and they both seem to think my jumping into this elevator was somewhat funny if not unexpected. One of them is shorter and more portly; I think he has a mustache. I dryly say either “that was close” or “just barely made it.” They begin talking to me, slipping into Spanish. It is too fluent for me to understand most of it. I think on a different floor now, I see the door closing. It is closing on a chubby white family with a daughter. I don’t know why we haven’t let them on, so I am awkwardly diverting my glance. Doors closed now, we need to choose a floor. They tell me ‘tres’ and I go to press 3 but mistakenly press something else. I can’t entirely read the numbers on the round, silver buttons. For whatever reason, I end up just pressing all of them, the off white light illuminating behind each in succession downwards. I think the elevator is going to the highest floor first. It ascends, and part of the wall must be glass, because I can see what looks like the Atlantis casino outside the elevator. [As in looking into the Atlantis (from within) from the elevator, not as in looking out at the Atlantis]. I think the men now exit and I continue up one more floor. The doors open, revealing a floor that appears to be one huge hot tub. There’s a low ceiling and dim but colored (blue?) lighting that plays on what is either bubbles or an excess of foam. There’s an unassuming swim up bar, and I think a pool up above it. A young boy climbs up and over the bar counter to get to it. I don’t think I’m in the water, but I am conscious of its proximity to my clothes and my radio. I start to think about staying here and using the hot tub, imagining sneaking onto the hotel room floor to find a towel from a room being serviced or the service cart itself. I wonder if anyone at work would notice my prolonged absence, but figure it’s a large place so maybe not.

I had somehow ended up back in time, probably the early 50's (or before). I was showing off an AR15 carbine to a few guys, who were messing around with a Thompson SMG (where is why I assume it was no later than Vietnam, where the M4 replaced the Thompson). Someone, possibly my former friends Barra and Fenn (yes, these guys again) judged me for being such a braggard. For my crimes of being a "bad time traveler" I was punished somehow. I recall my Fenn walking past me as if he didn't know who I was or hadn't seen me. Barra, someone who hates me even more than Fenn does, did stop to speak to me. I was quite emotional and felt a lot of regret. Not for anything in particular, just generally. I don't remember what he said. Nothing too damning. He came uncomfortably close while speaking to me, but didn't care because of how emotional I was. Anyway... I found another job as security guard for some rich guy, to guard his villa. Using the AR15 carbine.

I was floating in an ocean in mostly darkness, although I could see below the surface of the water. I could see my legs moving to keep me afloat, and a long rope attached to me, via my waist I believe. On the other end was a camera. I was part of some experiment for me or an unknown identity to explore depths of this water.

Later:
I reunited with an ex from my distant past. I'll call him Jake. My first memory of the dream is Jake and I laying in bed in the morning, sitting up with our backs propped on pillows against the wall. We were talking, and Jake said, 'Don't go falling in love right away.' I was not in fact feeling happy I was there, and felt like perhaps I had made a mistake. I said, 'I'm not, don't worry.' Jake looked hurt, and I realized he had actually seemed very happy we had re-connected, and maybe I had hurt his feelings. We were on some kind of trip, and we were leaving this day. I packed up, and Jake didn't talk to me much. Randomly my mom was there, as well as my step-dad, accompanying us on our journey home. Next we were in a car with a young version of my bio-dad driving. I was in the back, Jake in the front. He said, "We need to talk later, and I hope you remember what you promised me back [at the bleachers? football field? I have a vague image in my mind of what he meant, but I don't remember what he said]. I also didn't remember what I had promised him and I felt a little nervous, and a little like a jackass and I thought I was probably ending things once again with Jake and he would hate me.

Next Jake and I (and maybe my family?) are in a grocery. I have an old, ragged roller suitcase. I stand next to a store employee and notice a crow at his feet. The crow is eating tiny crumbs of debris from the floor. I laugh to the store employee and we both agree the crow is a great little helper (keeping the floors clean). The crow begins to peck and tug at my suitcase, but I don't care because it's old. Then without my direct recognition of this in the dream, the crow is a dog, like an Australian Shepherd, and we are playing tug of war with my suitcase.

We stopped at a small Bed and Breakfast, my mom and her husband resurfaced. They showed us the rooms we would be staying in. The entire Bed and Breakfast shared one kitchen. I didn't like this idea but I wasn't too bothered because I knew we were only staying one night. It was a cozy place, like a grandmother's home. Jake, an older man [replacement for my Dad and Stepdad?] and I sat around the kitchen table. Jake was talking about how many horrible people there are in the world. I said, 'But there are lots of great people too,' I start to mention how I also think about how everyone was once an innocent child, but Jake seems not to care what I have to say. A baby crawls into the room and spills a small amount of soda on the rug. I laugh and the baby giggles, and I teach it how to clean up the spill. The baby, clad in a diaper, seems to only be around 8 months - 1 year old. I ask Jake and the man if they have seen that funny new Hitler movie. 'You know, the German one, where Hitler time travels to present day after he thought he killed himself? It's really pretty funny in some spots."


Thoughts:
The ocean beginning seems very obviously symbolic of me looking deep into my emotional past or sub-conscious. I can also see how it is a well-executed prelude to the following dream. As far as the 2nd dream, I have been dreaming rather frequently about various exes, and finding myself stuck in relationships with them again. I'm afraid this says something about my latent insecurities about my marriage; aspects of it that remind me of things in past relationships I didn't like, or things about myself that I don't like. In waking life I am very happily married, and although my husband and I are working to better ourselves, I suppose I am looking forward to a time in the future where these things have changed.

At a course I am pissed off with the lecturers, so plan a walk out. We all swarm to the exit to the disbelief of staff. However i have second thoughts and at the last minute teleport back into the lecture hall so as not to get in trouble Oo naughty naughty.
I then start to feel really bad about the lecture staff , and suddenly one of them has a terrible open sore. It look ugh like the mummies I saw at the museum maybe, I can see through to the bone and sinew ick. I ask them if they know about reiki and I use my healing powers to fix his arm. The tissue starts to grow back but I figure it will take a night to fully regrow.
The other guy wants to race, so I run with him, but cheat teleporting every few seconds instead of running.

I am at a friend's party, lots of successful and fancy, hipstery people are there in her large, wooden house, we are in the attic room, it is wooden and shadowy. I don' really have much in common with all the jocks and women dressed in very nice clothes. I ask if I can have some of my friends come over as well, they are geekier but I'd have someone to talk to. I vouch for them and she lets them come. I also see my sister there and I feel a bit more relaxed.

I'm talking to one of my geeky friends. He mentions how mean and horrible the people in the party have been to him over the years. Although everyone is an adult now, the direct harassment has now turned into a cold condescension, I feel for my friend. A big event is about to happen, people get into a circle as some kind of speech is going to be given. Right as one of the mean, good looking and condescending jocks is going to speak my geeky friend tackles him to the floor and pandemonium breaks out, people are all over the place tearing things apart.

My hipstery friend who knows the host says this is horrible, really bad, the jock was being interviewed on live TV, now it is ruined, there is no way to fix this. He doesn't right out blame me for vouching for him, but I sense the tension. Secretly I don't feel bad at all for what happened. The jock got what was coming to him. This is karma.

A new scene, we are in a school gym hall, a new party, the lights are very dim and atmospheric. My hipstery friend's girlfriend comes up to me by a table, I ask what's up. She says things are well. My hipstery friend is collecting money for the damages that happened in the party before, the house was wrecked. I feel a pang of guilt and panic. Why did I even go to that stupid party in the first place? I wake up relieved.

#396 - DILD - 7:12AM

I was feeling really off this morning and decided to sleep a little longer before going in to work. The result was a cool LD. Totally worth it.

I wake from a dream and try to DEILD. I as I sink back into sleep I feel very mild vibrations. I get overly excited and feel my heart race. I try to calm myself but the vibrations end. I should nose plugged here to make sure but I assume I woke up too much. I try to focus on relaxing my body as I put my attention on my crown chakra. I quickly lose focus.

I am at some mixed version of my current workplace and my old elementary school. I see several people from work. Someone is walking with me outside. There is an open area where many people have gathered together holding yellow lilies. Somehow I know they are having a funeral from someone's pet. I remark to my friend how dumb this is as we walk through the crowd and enter the building on the other side.

I feel like I am sitting in a car but I am inside some room. There is a fat bearded guy talking about selling me some herbs. He mentions a list. I only recall him talking about Achuma and Kratom but the list is actually much longer. I say, "That's ok dude. I buy all my shit online."
He replies with, "I also have some weed."
I was about to walk out of the room but I pause at this. "Um... ok. Do you sell bags or single joints?" I really just want a joint.
"Both", he says.
I remember that I have some cash but I left my wallet in the car. Also, I worry that other people will hear this exchange. "Um. I'll get with you later." He nods and I step back outside.

There are still many people gathered around for the funeral. I realize I am smoking a cigarette next to Spencer. I remember that I quit smoking and begin to feel sick. I have only smoked half the cigarette and I feel a little bad for wasting it as I throw it down. I look up at the people standing around, as I wonder why I was even smoking. I look back down at the cigarette and watch the rest of it fast burn into ash. At that moment I recognize that I must be dreaming. I know I had a goal in mind but I don't care because, I think what I just saw was the coolest thing ever. I also notice that I have never smoked a cigarette in a lucid dream.

I quickly search around for another cigarette. I don't think to check my pockets but instead rummage around the nearst area. I see two empty plastic planters stacked on a low concrete wall. I quickly find something the right shape, but as I focus on it, I see it is a white crayon. I decide this will do and I hold it like a cigarette as I mimic a lighter motion with my other hand. I see sparks and flame as I put it to the end of the crayon. I take a nice long draw from it and in hale. Jeff is standing next to me watching and I intentionally blow the smoke in his face. I notice the taste and feel as do this; it's all very faint. Jeff smiles and lets out a laugh while looking astonished. I walk away and decide to show off for the crowd. I really want to repeat the fast burn cigarette at will. I spot my friend Lindsey in the crowd as I step up on the low wall. I avoid her gaze as I know she would disapprove of my smoking in waking life. I hold the cigarette up for all to see and point at the tip with my other hand. As I move my finger from tip to butt the cigarette fast burns and drops away as ash. I hear a few people gasp but mostly there is laughter. The dream goes black and I quickly wake up.

Julia's walking with this teenage girl, maybe ten years younger than Julia. They're talking about concepts of 'home,' and the girl's first association is the one night she spent on the couch in Julia and Jamie's apartment. This bothers Julia a lot. The girl says something about her parents who'd died when she was young, and mimes a salute - her father had been a soldier. Julia hadn't known that before - she wonders if that was part of why the kid sort of latched onto Jamie as a father figure, and part of her reaction to his death. Disembodied, at that reference to how Jamie's death stirred up the kid's old issues, I'm thinking about how Julia's managed to bring me back from the dead just to give me something new to feel guilty about. The tone of the thought is fond, though.

A couple brief images of Jamie and the kid like snapshots - I'm in Jamie's POV. She'd been part of this group of kids I was working with, and she intimidated most of the people around her, generally angry at the world. She reminded me of somebody.

Saturday, 17th August

Moon: 62% illuminated waning gibbous (21 days old) in Taurus

Tarot of the Day: Knight of Pentacles

Mayan 13 Moon Calender Date: White Self Existing Dog

Nostril open on awakening: Left (feminine side/right brain)

Dream:

A sprawling Florentine city lay before Matt and I.
(Matt is one of my best friends,although we do not see each other anymore as he lives overseas)
We explore the Tuscan city fully prepared up with our backpacks and camping gear.There seemed to be a reason for us to avoid authority on every occasion that they appeared.Why I do not know

The was an electric charged energy of festivities that lingered in the air,and there many females paraded around the narrow streets dressed entirely in white.
Woman's day perhaps?

We reach an empty silo made of large off-beige coloured bricks. Inside we find many thin wooden poles that have their one end firmly concreted into the wall, with the other side protruding outward. We glanced at each other and I can telepathically tell we're both thinking the same thing...
Monkey bars!
My conscious perspective shifts to the 3rd person and I watch Myself and Matt climb and swing from one pole to the next,slipping a couple of times but saving ourselves with a swift grab and grasp on the lower poles.

I find myself in a big open plaza with my black Royal Enfield motorbike,the same one I had when travelling around India.
A group of excited and most likely intoxicated middle aged ladies are celebrating in a big white double decker bus with the roof removed about 30 metres to my left.Shortly after, they exit the plaza in a frenzied blur.

There's a cold breeze out, so I lay along the length of the long motorbike seat and cover myself with a blanket.
Jenna,a petite girl with blonde dreadlocks and piercing blue eyes approaches from behind to chat with me. I can immediatly sense the attraction between us and I invite her to come join me under the covers.
She surveys the parking lot anxiously, and I can see her think twice about my offer, but eventually she obliges.
We begin to talk about how body warmth is the best thing to keep warm in this cold weather. This was just small talk as the fondling began to escalate, with me spooning her tightly from behind.
I stop.I know this is wrong.I know that she has a boyfriend, and a child with the same man. Guilt grabs continue hold of my gut and my primal nature is unhappily halted.
Jennas initial reluctancey of joining me made complete sense.

We continue to chat about bland surface layer topics without the previous sexual aura, yet i know that she began asking herself question.
"Why did he stop?Surely i made it clear what I wanted by jumping under the covers with him??"

Later, around the lunch table, I see her boyfriend sitting with a black beanie covering his long hair... and his smiling eyes greet me. I act as if nothing has happened.

The plaza now seemed to be a full on festival,and in the corner of my eye I see my parents,looking startled and out of place.
I decide to give them some pure MDMA to ease their anxieties.
"What the hell is this??",my mother asks worryingly.
"Just trust me and take it.", I tell her as I break the large pinkish-white crystal into two pieces,giving the bigger half to my Father.

My earliest dream when I was about 4 was about me (no surprises there). I was in a hospital bed sick and unable to move or talk. My family consisting of my mother, father and sister are at the foot of my bed. At the head is a nurse who is the embodiment of evil. Next the bed and I am in an elevator. The evil nurse is with me and my family are slipping away as the elevator descends from them. I am terrified. I cant speak, cant plead for my family to save me.

Fast forward to my teen years. I am in a family religion of birth that demands I bow down to indoctrination, declare the outside world as evil and live by a strict code I have had hammered into me all my life. But I cant. Its not me. Its a miserable existence I wont live and because of this my family abandon me and what ever I speak to them they twist round in their religious denial to make me feel guilt. There is nothing I can say that will overcome their stupid religious denial. To them I am the embodiment of evil, an excommunicated disbeliever.

If there is one thing I can say to anyone reading this it is to NEVER allow anyone to guilt load you for being You!

I remember this was a long dream. I remember there were several rounds of it, and it was kind of repetitive but not exact repetition. It was all about me loosing my sons over and over again. It was always either entirely or at least partially my fault, and sometimes also someone else's.

I don't remember all rounds, but in the last iteration the boys were playing somewhere in a grassy area of a city street, and my car was parked nearby with the motor running and key in ignition. A woman who in my dream was the mother of some friends of my kids, but in reality is an unknown, she started chatting with me, and she then went behind the wheel of my car and I got in the passenger seat, and she suggested that we go for a short ride while we chat, and leave the kids here, but come back to them, and I agreed. After we had been driving for a while, she realized she could not easily drive back - I think it was because of one way streets that prevented us from driving back the way we came, and the streets were not in a straight grid like many streets around where I actually live, but they were more curved and complex, more like the streets of old European cities. So in my dream the woman abandoned me or just disappeared. I abandoned my car, and started walking back to find my sons. It took a long time. Eventually I found them. They looked worse for wear, a bit dirty and dischevled, like they had been living on the street for a while. They were delighted to see me, and I them. And just when I found them, my husband found all of us to. I had no idea how he found us because I had not contacted him, and he had no way of knowing that the boys had been missing nor where we were. I had the sense that my husband was reproachful about my loosing our kids, and he had every right to be, because it was my fault.

This dream is reminiscent of a few previous dreams of mine, in which I am also lost, also with a car, and my husband in at least one of them also finds me, and I don't know how. And I also have feelings of guilt in at least one of them.

[Half lucid dream in 3-4 episodes. First episode: monster attack. Second episode: Ex-girlfriend- attack. Third and Fourth episode: A pimp attacking my car and war-games turned bad ]

1. I'm walking through a mall. A lot of people are around. They are walking in every direction talking to other people etc. A typical day at the mall. I want to go to a cinema, which apparently is in the mall, although the place seems to be in one way very familiar, but in another very bizarre and strange. The place is mixed, it has features of at least three other places I know in real life: my favorite mall, my favorite cinema and the main railway station in my town.
I'm tired from walking and I take a rest before a public toilette. The place is strange, the roof is tilted, it looks like I'm standing on a hill. I sit down and there is this guy. He looks like stoner. He starts to talk to me:

- Hey you! How's it going.
- I don't know, I'm lost in this place.
- Aren't we all lost sometimes?

He giggles.

- No, you don't understand, I'm looking for the cinema. I want to watch ...
- The New Alien film?, he finished my sentence. Ah man, you know, those films are really special?. sometimes a bit awkward, but rather fun. Isn't it?
- True my pal, I said, especially this one scene where ...

Our conversation get's interrupted. People are screaming, running away. They shout repeatedly "He's back, he's back! ". I stand up and see that the mall is attacked by a gigantic monster. It's running through the lanes, it looks like a scorpion, a lion, a boar and a snake mixed together . Something hideous like that I've never seen in my whole life. It's black-green-ish and has sparkling red eyes. People run away from it but it devours one person after another.
Strangely enough I'm not that feared by the sight of the monster. I had a simple but clever idea to stop this mess as I realized that this might be a dream:
I closed my eyes. After all, when I can't see the monster, it isn't there and can't see me.

2. I open my eyes back again. I'm still in this mall. But this time, I'm in front of the cinema. I feel relieved that I saw a few friends of mine. We walked to the cashier. But the place is really crowed. I have to push the people aside. As i walk through the crowds I see HER. I'm really shocked about it, cause I didn't want to see HER. SHE is my ex-girlfriend, I haven't talked to since 3 months and haven't seen her since our break-up. I'm really irritated. Should I talk to HER or should I simply ignore HER? I recalled a conversation from last weekend that I had with my best friend. I said that I'm not angry anymore and that I'm totally cool about it, so cool, that I could survive such an awkward moment. I also recalled that I resisted every attempt from HER to get me back. But than I recalled that I haven't seen HER in waking life, but only in my dreams. So I feel really confident about it and start talking to her.

- Hey M. Hey M. !
She was looking away.
Some one else said HER name and pointed towards my direction. She turns around.

- Oh, hey, what ...? [SHE seemed surprised]
- Hey it's me! I want to talk to you!

She excuses herself and walks towards me. We go to a place with fewer peoples around and where there is less noise.

I see that SHE has lost enormously weight. SHE has a fine silhouette in waking life, but it seems that SHE only weighted half. Her arms were thin, her legs too, she looked really fragile.

- OMG, I said, what happened to you? You've lost so much weight!

I grabbed her arms. They were so thin that her too arms would have fitted in one of my hands.

- I know, SHE says, I did. People say that I'm a mess ever since I dumped you.
- You're lying and you know it, I say. You aren't really her, I'm just imaging you around. It's a dream. You aren't real.
- I'm not the problem, She answers, you don't let me go. This is your imagination world, not mine. Just simply let me go.
- But I did it!, I protest, I haven't see you around like ages. The memories about you are fading.
- But they come back, or don't they?, she rappels to my mind. You aren't over me for 100 percent.
- How could I?, I replied again.
I feel that I'm loosing the battle. I just want to dump her in my dream for the fifth time. To this day I resisted her attempts, or better said: I resisted to my deepest feelings in my subconscious. But this time it's really hard.
- Don't you remember all the promises I made? I told you that I would never let you go and you answered me that you would ever stand by my side. but you didn't!

My perspective changes to third person. I see how we are talking and talking. I can't hear what we are talking anymore. My view starts to fly, I see the talk from above. And suddenly one sentences got to my ears. "Take me back, it was my fault." It was the voice of HER. I've heard this sentences in nearly all my dreams, where she comes around . Instead of SHE kissing me and I getting upset and saying to her all the bad things she did to me, I kiss HER. I feel really guilty from my third perspective. I feel the kiss, it was cold, it didn't seem right. My other self and SHE went along together, I felt bad, so bad that I had the desire to throw up at both of them. BUT instead I disappeared through the ceiling.

[The next section contents sex, violence and bad language]


3 - 4.[SIZE=4] I'm driving a car through the night. I'm on the car park of the mall. I'm really upset about a thing I can't recall. a friend of mine sits on the passenger seat.

- Yo Yossarian, he said, don't drive that fast!
- Go fuck yourself, I say.

We are exiting the car park. I turn left to the exit lane. There is a traffic light where none should be. I brake and wait that it get's green. But it doesn't. The waiting is unbearable to me and I light a cigarette.

- Those bastards are going to kill me someday.

I open the window to my right. My friend starts coughing.
Suddenly two prostitutes run towards us.
- Oh shit!, my friend screams. Close the window, they are mistaking us for some clients. Drive backwards!

That's what I do. I drive backwards away from them. They seem really disappointed. Suddenly their pimp jumps up through a bush and starts demolishing the car with a baseball-bat.

- Oh noes, my friend laughs, Pimp-attack!
- that's not funny, the car was expensive

I don't remember what happens next but suddenly I'm in a room with a handful of soldiers

- My pals, the general said, today is victory day! As you know, we are going to win the annual war-games. This is the plan from today. You should ...

I don't listened to his talking. All I can think about is when was the last time I got laid. And the creepy man standing in the corner of the room. He's bold has bad teeth, a beard and has crazy eyes. He's smiling. It's like he can read my filthily thoughts. I shake my head.

- Everything clear now?, the general says.
- Yes sir, the group answers.

We go outside, But I and a captain go to another direction.
- Hey private, he says, we are launching our sneak attack!
- So it is, I lied.
I don't know what he was talking about. The scenery changes. We are in a bunker.
- I'll take a piss, I say and go to the restroom.

After doing my duty, I washed my hands. My teeth start aching suddenly and i open my mouth and look into the mirror. I see that my teeth are in bad shape, one molar has a hole, another vanishes before my eyes. I spit three molars out. I'm not happy about that. I talk a paper towel to press it against my molars. I want to gout of the room, but the creepy man from before jumps out of nowhere and says:

- That's my towel.

And he takes it from me and vanishes again. Perplexed I go out with a fresh towel.

In the bunker again, the captain is to be found nowhere. The outside door opens and he comes back in. He has a black eye.

- What happened?, I asked bluffed.
- I had a fight with a filthily girl.
-Why? What did you do?
- I tried to rape her.
- You did what?
- You heard right. But she didn't want to.
- Does that even amazes you?
- Yes, I always get what I want.
- Are you nuts or something?, I objected. If you wanted sex, go check a prostitute, they are everywhere.
- But I wanted her.
- Did you never try to talk to girls first? That's the way I do it: you talk, you befriend and than you fuck.
- That's too complicated. I wanted her now!

I shake my head. What a bastard, I think. I go outside to look after her.

She has a wound on her neck, some scratches too. I help her and make her a bandage. She is very delighted of it. She looks nice.

- I heard you are filthy, is this true?, I asked her.
I can't believe that this is true.
- Yes, you're right. I'm a filthy whore. Everyone can have me, do dirty things and so on. Except the captain, he is a bastard. He doesn't know how to talk to a girl.
- Yes I know. By the way, I'm going to say something but please don't be upset. It's just a proposition, you can accept it or refute it. No bad tricks.
- Ok, she said, go on.
- Do you want to have sex with me? I'm feeling horny now.
- Why not, she said, that's the only thing good that will happen today.
- I bet it will be.

And so we started and the dream finally faded