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[Sleep at 12:15 am. Alarm off at 4:00 am - awake for 5 minutes. Non-lucid. Recorded 6:05 am.]
I remember talking to someone about Opa's death. While in real life I have been sad and, of course, I miss him, I have not really cried or even thought about it beyond the first day. In the dream though, I broke down into hysteric tears. I really missed him and felt his lose deeply even though we were not too close. [I suddenly remember when he stood up for me against Oma with the whole mayo fiasco.]

Then I was possibly half awake and still crying. I knew I had been dreaming but also recognized the fact that I needed to cry since I had not allowed myself to do so in real life.

The dream started somewhere else with a person (the one I was talking to about Opa) but I can't remember what we were doing or why. We were walking at the time of the conversation, and it was dark. Everything was dark. [Because I did not have to see to feel. Sight can be misleading, as I had let my emotions misguide me. In order to heal on a deep level, I needed to FEEL, not to think or rationalize.] Remember thinking I should wake up and write it down, but was still partly sleeping and wanted to continue - very tired.

[Contemplation. Dream fragments remembered until entire dream pieced together. 4.30.13 1:30pm]
At the beginning there was I girl with light skin and long dark hair pulled back. She was talking to me and leading me somewhere. Saw through my own eyes, or the eyes of the player, not watching from above like usual. Was I myself? Or just a character?

Surrounded by darkness and rocks. Maybe in some kind of cave? Was there water nearby? On the walls? Possibly in the cave behind my waterfall, but then why would I have to be lead. I WAS following, but why and to where?

Dream then changed, but same darkness followed. Not a scary, fear inducing darkness, more a comforting, peaceful darkness. I felt at ease, walking next to someone. I believe different then the girl in the beginning, but somehow felt the same, just older. More wise and knowing. Talking to me as we walked through the darkness. I don't remember hearing words, but knew there was a conversation. Don't know where we were or where we were going. More like surrounded by nothingness. Going no where, doing nothing but being.

Suddenly flooded by thought of Opa and feelings of immense sadness and loss. I was crying. Although there was so much pain, I knew this was a part of a healing process that I have not allowed myself in a waking state. I knew I had to think of him, of how much I missed him, and just let the tears come. I felt safe knowing this woman was somehow supporting me, encouraging me to let myself simply feel.

I believe I partly woke up, crying, and reflected on this experience as something I needed in order to move on. I know I suppress my emotions in a waking state, so much that it very rarely even creeps into my dreams, so I know I am making progress. I felt relief.

I knew I should write everything down or forget the details, but somehow felt the beginning of the dream was not significant and had no fear forgetting the rest. Too tired to wake fully, possibly even still dreaming. Floated back into sleep.

Was this my guide? Do I need to let myself heal emotionally before I can travel successfully? Hopes of seeing Dason still hold me back. I need to let this go while coping with the reality that he is gone. I need to find a way to hold on to his memory while still somehow moving on. This is a big task that will take time. My guide will help me. I have full trust in her.

[Sudden memory from 8 years ago. Remember the dream so long ago? A sword. A guide. A tower. Dason, Brittany, max?, Jamaal? We were going to take over the world. Change it. What did she say to me? Only he could do something, but I was needed for... something. Same guide? He was the tower, looking up at its immense structure. The guide and myself watched from above. "You know he is the only one that can change the world?" I was disappointed it wasn't me, but I was also young and immature. She was wise. What was meant? What was my purpose? I knew instinctively others were involved, but I played a big role in this change. So long to go without this dream... until now. Why?]

[Contemplation and inspiration. 4.30.13 10:15 pm]
Tarot reading few months ago. Guidance, reversed. Thought nothing of it until the following weekend when it all occurred to me at once. I ask for guidance, as if I do not have it, but in fact I do. There are signs every where and I have the tools to guide myself, but I set this all aside because I am waiting for guidance from him. He cannot lead me any further. "I have taught you everything you need to know." At the time, I cried. I knew it was a dismissal, a good-bye. How right I was... I need to heal and move on. It is possible he still exists outside my heart, but I need to progress with my own insight or risk losing everything. Guidance is here, I just have to open my eyes to it. Now, my guide has returned. Whether an astral being, a spirit, or a creation of my mind, to me it is a representation of guidance. It is knowledge and understanding to help me see choices and follow my own paths. It is me.

Used some Maca and B-vitamins after waking last night, and felt like "just weird" Maca is good for energy and stamina, not a stimulating kind like caffeine, but more of a conscious awareness, and apparently also Libido, tho I never noticed that. Anyway on with my dream: I slipped into a dream, rather easily last night after going back to bed for a wild. The dream began with me in a dark room, where a mirror was by my bed, A mysterious voice said you have used it before, haven't you? I said I used it to turn into an animal. The voice said how did it feel, realistic? I said yes, and that it made me feel free. The voice said how so? I said it opened up my mind to odd ideas not possible, in waking life. The voice said what is waking life?! And I suddenly was in sleep paralysis. Strong electricity, buzzing, and total oblivion. While fighting it, this same voice said it's going to change your life, fight it off and it will set you free. The buzzing subsides and I just know I beat it back to a dream. The same voice said welcome back to the dreamworld. At this point I said what's going to change my life? Voice: That you remembered. I was like wow, this is one incredibly vivid conversation for a DC, so I asked who are you? My dream name is Silver Ghost, but I am also you. I have a dream name? Yes. Do others know this name? Yes. (Goggled it after the dream, and got a 1906 car) After that the voice said look at the mirror, and change. I changed into the same Fox-like animal that I have done a few time's before, only this time was way more vivid with white fur. "Now run around someone's dream your connected to. You don't know them but do whatever you want" is the last thing the voice said. I left my house and was in apparently someone's dream. I think it was just my own dream, but I'm open to anything, really. There a woman said look at that dream character, hey wolf are you a wolf? I said I don't think so. Are you dreaming too? I said. She looked at me sexually, and this wearied me out. Are you real doggie? Want to play a dream game? I asked what that was and she said A Transformation? How did you do it, in my dream? So I approach her and she pets my hair, winks at me and I woke up. So complex by far my longest most comprehensive conversation and totally meaningful.