Recent DJ Posts

[Sleep at 12:15 am. Alarm off at 4:00 am - awake for 5 minutes. Non-lucid. Recorded 6:05 am.]
I remember talking to someone about Opa's death. While in real life I have been sad and, of course, I miss him, I have not really cried or even thought about it beyond the first day. In the dream though, I broke down into hysteric tears. I really missed him and felt his lose deeply even though we were not too close. [I suddenly remember when he stood up for me against Oma with the whole mayo fiasco.]

Then I was possibly half awake and still crying. I knew I had been dreaming but also recognized the fact that I needed to cry since I had not allowed myself to do so in real life.

The dream started somewhere else with a person (the one I was talking to about Opa) but I can't remember what we were doing or why. We were walking at the time of the conversation, and it was dark. Everything was dark. [Because I did not have to see to feel. Sight can be misleading, as I had let my emotions misguide me. In order to heal on a deep level, I needed to FEEL, not to think or rationalize.] Remember thinking I should wake up and write it down, but was still partly sleeping and wanted to continue - very tired.

[Contemplation. Dream fragments remembered until entire dream pieced together. 4.30.13 1:30pm]
At the beginning there was I girl with light skin and long dark hair pulled back. She was talking to me and leading me somewhere. Saw through my own eyes, or the eyes of the player, not watching from above like usual. Was I myself? Or just a character?

Surrounded by darkness and rocks. Maybe in some kind of cave? Was there water nearby? On the walls? Possibly in the cave behind my waterfall, but then why would I have to be lead. I WAS following, but why and to where?

Dream then changed, but same darkness followed. Not a scary, fear inducing darkness, more a comforting, peaceful darkness. I felt at ease, walking next to someone. I believe different then the girl in the beginning, but somehow felt the same, just older. More wise and knowing. Talking to me as we walked through the darkness. I don't remember hearing words, but knew there was a conversation. Don't know where we were or where we were going. More like surrounded by nothingness. Going no where, doing nothing but being.

Suddenly flooded by thought of Opa and feelings of immense sadness and loss. I was crying. Although there was so much pain, I knew this was a part of a healing process that I have not allowed myself in a waking state. I knew I had to think of him, of how much I missed him, and just let the tears come. I felt safe knowing this woman was somehow supporting me, encouraging me to let myself simply feel.

I believe I partly woke up, crying, and reflected on this experience as something I needed in order to move on. I know I suppress my emotions in a waking state, so much that it very rarely even creeps into my dreams, so I know I am making progress. I felt relief.

I knew I should write everything down or forget the details, but somehow felt the beginning of the dream was not significant and had no fear forgetting the rest. Too tired to wake fully, possibly even still dreaming. Floated back into sleep.

Was this my guide? Do I need to let myself heal emotionally before I can travel successfully? Hopes of seeing Dason still hold me back. I need to let this go while coping with the reality that he is gone. I need to find a way to hold on to his memory while still somehow moving on. This is a big task that will take time. My guide will help me. I have full trust in her.

[Sudden memory from 8 years ago. Remember the dream so long ago? A sword. A guide. A tower. Dason, Brittany, max?, Jamaal? We were going to take over the world. Change it. What did she say to me? Only he could do something, but I was needed for... something. Same guide? He was the tower, looking up at its immense structure. The guide and myself watched from above. "You know he is the only one that can change the world?" I was disappointed it wasn't me, but I was also young and immature. She was wise. What was meant? What was my purpose? I knew instinctively others were involved, but I played a big role in this change. So long to go without this dream... until now. Why?]

[Contemplation and inspiration. 4.30.13 10:15 pm]
Tarot reading few months ago. Guidance, reversed. Thought nothing of it until the following weekend when it all occurred to me at once. I ask for guidance, as if I do not have it, but in fact I do. There are signs every where and I have the tools to guide myself, but I set this all aside because I am waiting for guidance from him. He cannot lead me any further. "I have taught you everything you need to know." At the time, I cried. I knew it was a dismissal, a good-bye. How right I was... I need to heal and move on. It is possible he still exists outside my heart, but I need to progress with my own insight or risk losing everything. Guidance is here, I just have to open my eyes to it. Now, my guide has returned. Whether an astral being, a spirit, or a creation of my mind, to me it is a representation of guidance. It is knowledge and understanding to help me see choices and follow my own paths. It is me.

Friday, May 11th, 2012

Meeting My Spirit Guide...? (DILD)

NON-DREAM | DREAM | LUCID | FA | HH

Meeting My Spirit Guide...?

I have a robocop dream of the twin towers. I am next to robocop and we are in one of the towers. An attacker enters and fails to kill robocop. We both jump out the window and we fly to the top of the tower. I feel like I might fall. Then I jump in order to stop a missile. The dream rewinds and I am aware of it. This whole scene repeats multiple time with slight differences each time. This feels too real and so I wanna wake up.

I am unconscious. I feel the bed behind me and I know I am asleep. But I am unconscious. This is strange. I have never been aware of the unconscious state of sleep before.

It is time to wake up. I start waking up.

My mind wanders through different wake up scenes. I am in a hospital and I hear the nurses scuffling about.

A flashlight wavers over my two closed eyes.

I am not waking up to real life. I am waking up to a dream.

I hear Muffy's voice (the girl from the TV show Arthur).

I wake up.

I am in Mr. Ratburn's class. EVERYTHING is two dimensional and the colors are cartoon-like.

I feel like I am Arthur. I lift my head up. I am seated at a desk and had fallen asleep during class.

Am I waking up from a nightmare of being in a coma or something? Or is THIS still the nightmare?

I RC through my nose and realize that this is a dream! I am me again and Arthur is seated next to me. He is a cross between Arthur and my brother. We walk out of the class room as I try to maintain awareness by casually not thinking about it or about waking up all too much.

It feels SO real and awesome.

He and I walk to the cafeteria as we talk. Everything is still two dimensional.

Me: "You know how I know I am dreaming?"

Him: "How?"

Me: "Pinch your nose and breathe in."

He does it wrong and pinches the bottom of his nose leaving open airways through both nostrils.

Him: "There's nothing really special about this..."

Me: "You're doing it wrong."

I tell him to completely pinch his nose and then he does it right. He looks shocked and speechless.

Me: "See? This doesn't happen in waking life."

We split up.

I wonder what I should do?

Sex! I am going to open up a portal and have sex with some hot chick!

Wait! No. I wanna find my spirit guide. I have never had a lucid dream this clear and stable before.

I start to run back to the hallway from which I came. Everything is becoming three dimensional now.

I focus on finding my spirit guide. I might have to create a portal or think "through" a door.

A black man sitting at the cafeteria bar turns around immediately and looks at me in a sort of semi-shocked kind of way.

I look back at him and then I smile.

Is this my spirit guide?

He starts laughing in a friendly manner and we shake hands.

Him: "Finally!"

It feels like I am talking to a person in waking life.

Me: "I know, it's taken me a while huh! But I'm finally here!" ^_^

I wonder what I should ask him.

Me: "Well, hi! My name is Byron! What's your name?"

He sits there in silence and then responds.

Him: "Well...I don't really have a name."

Me: "Hahaha. All right. What would you prefer to be called?"

Him: "Morgan."

Me: "All right Morgan. It's great to meet you."

We move from the bar to a booth in the cafeteria. Everything is now completely three dimensional.

Morgan is sitting to my right. Across from us sit three other guys. They are Morgan's friends. I am trying to make an active effort to remember everyone, how they look, where they are sitting and all their names.

To the farthest left (from my perspective) sits Brooke. In the middle (to Brooke's left) is Seth. Finally, to the far right is Eric.

Someone makes a joke about Morgan by calling him Morganstern (a reference to Hamlet's Guildenstern).

We talk and talk as if we were any other group of friends hanging out in waking life. Brooke plays in a band. We talk about that for a little bit.

Brooke: "Yea. My band...it's just..."

Me: "You play in a band!? That's. so. cool!"

Brooke: "Yea!"

Me: "What's your bands name?"

He looks at a bottle of Blue Wave flavored vodka on the table and starts to laugh.

Brooke: "It's actually called 'Blue Wave.'"

I look at the table and see two empty bottles of Blue Wave.

Hahahaha I can't believe his band is called Blue Wave.

Brooke: "But it's terrible."

Seth: "Yea his band isn't too good."

Eric: "It sucks."

Wow, this whole thing is silly. And Brooke doesn't seem to mind too much either, hahaha.

Some wandering DC that looks like my waking life buddy DS, makes a passing comment as he overhears us.

DC: "Your band is fucking terrible!"

Guess people here know about Blue Wave.

I take a sip from a drink I have and it tastes JUST like Blue Wave. I spit it out as I realize I am holding an empty bottle of Blue Wave and must have sipped the very little bit at the bottom.

Disgusting!

Me: "So are you guys from the external, or are you an internal part of my mind?"

I sort of guide them with this answer, thinking internal. For some reason, if they say external, it would seem like I am fooling myself.

Brooke: "Internal."

Seth and Eric: "Yea internal."

I wonder what Morgan would classify himself as. He is still here sitting next to me, but has let me do most of the talking.

Now I feel like exploring the dream a bit.

Me: "Hey guys. It was totally awesome meeting you. I wanna explore for a little bit, but there might be a chance I will wake up."

I smile and laugh at the thought of an unintentional wake up. This dream has been pretty damn stable and awesome.

Me: "Anyway, in case I do wake up, I'll see you guys around. Hahaha. If not, I'll be back soon!"

I walk around the cafeteria and see an asian girl standing and staring at me by a second hallway (not the one through which I originally entered). It feels like we might know each other. I decide I want to meet her.

She turns around and runs into the hallway. I run and follow.

The hallway juts inward and there is an immediate right a few feet ahead. I turn right. I don't see her...

Behind me, my friend from high school AA, appears out of nowhere. She looks terrified, out of breath and in shock.

AA: "You have to wake up!"

Me: "Why?"

AA: "Wake up!"

Me: "No!"

AA: "Listen! There's no time. Just wake up!"

The hallway contains an inward groove. I pull her into it. That way, if anyone is looking for her, they won't be able to see her in the hallway unless they walk inside and make an active effort to search. At first glance, the groove will hide us and any pursuer will not be able to see us.

In a calm voice, I speak.

Me: "Just tell me why. If you tell me why, I won't ask questions and I will wake up."

AA: "That man, the one you were talking to is dangerous!"

I can tell she is referring to Morgan.

Me: "How so?"

AA: "He's been talking about how he is going to have you wandering through hallways for hours and hours..."

I can tell she means that he is sadistic and intends to torture me within the dream, starting with the meaningless wandering through hallways.

I then sense someone chasing us entering the hallway through the cafeteria. I can't tell if it is actually Morgan, but it feels like him.

He is in the hallway! All he has to do now to find us is make the immediate right turn and continue walking. Then, if he sees us in the groove, he will have found us. And if he finds out that I know...

I look at AA one last time. Then I close my eyes and loudly shout.

Me: "WAKE UP!"

I am in my bedroom. I do several RCs and recall everything with no effort.

Was Morgan my spirit guide? Was he even a conscious entity? Was he an impostor with an ulterior motive? Was he really as evil and sadistic as AA claimed? Or was AA a DC that kind of just was starting a new dream plot for me to fall into.

Meh. I want breakfast!

Friday, March 9th, 2012

WILD Bail Out and Dream Guides (Hypnagogia, DILD)

NON-DREAM | DREAM | LUCID | FA | HH

WILD Bail Out and Dream Guides

Despite it being around 4 or 5 in the morning, everything in my bedroom is still very dark. I lie on my back, trying my best to fall asleep. I want to get a few hours at least.

My body drops as it locks into some sort of trance. Is this light trance? Deep trance?

It is full-fledged sleep paralysis! It's been a while. For now, I decide to play and go with it. But I feel really creeped out.

A woman is near me to my left. She and I start to talk. It is implied she is my dream or spirit guide. She pushes me towards my right, in an agreement to help me get to my dream.

Me: "Wait. Are you good or bad?"

I expect her to be completely honest.

Her: *pause* "I am not a harmful person."

I wake myself up as I am somewhat scared.

I have a bunch of normal dreams about all kinds of things, most of which I don't remember. However one particular scenario in one dream sticks out.

I am in a small library containing various shelves of books. In the center of the library is a huge beige fridge. I walk towards it.

There is a woman who I note as resembling DVC. I think she is someone's dream or spirit guide. Wait. Is she my guide?

I open the fridge. It is not very clean. I see a few ketchup and mustard stains here and there.

Someone else is here. It is very vague. Is it Hyu? Is this person really here? The clarity is really low.

I am not sure if there is a dreamer. I know that there is a dreamer's guide; at least in the dream that is how I perceive it.

Someone's dream or spirit guide is here. I can't tell which type of guide. It might be Yuya.

I want to ask her some questions. Questions about how to improve myself. Questions about the nature of dreams and even some deeper-level stuff. But mostly questions about how to improve my lucid dreaming in order to learn and grow.

One of the nearby DCs gets a crazed look in her face as I speak. This DC has an agenda. Her mind is fragmented. I can see the four or five pieces that make her up.

I completely fall into the plot of the dream.

As I focus on the DC, I forget about everything else. I feel like I need to deal with the DC and prevent the psychotic fragment from completing its agenda.

The library's various shelves of books also contains vials of various substances. One was made by the DC. She looks like Georgina from Gossip Girl.

Georgina is mad at the main dream plot character, Dan (also from GG). They stopped hooking up a while back, and out of spite she now wanted him to drink the poisonous substance she concocted.

I think Dan drinks it without being aware of doing so. He falls to the floor...

...A blur...

I think I'm supposed to generally learn from my own guides. I'm not entirely sure, but maybe the appearance of others has to do with my earlier fear of the WILD and the ultimate bail out. I'm not gonna try and overthink what hasn't been made clear. I'll see what happens in the future.

Lucid Flight

Something about being lucid.

Something about flying. I am running across a street and jump. I fly. Everything is really hazy, but this is really happening.

Someone else is with me. I think I am following...her? We fly through the night sky. It takes me a little while to gain some height.

I can't believe I'm flying!

July 23rd, 2011

Lucid Dreaming Chaos! (WILD, DILD)

NON-DREAM | DREAM | LUCID | FA | HH

Best representation I could find for my "spirit guide." She has white or blonde hair and a very light peach complexion, with blue clothes/aura.

Goddamnit. How many FAs was that!? I wrote lots of dream notes and everything! Also, a note as to how I color coded this dream journal. Lucid dreaming technically means you KNOW you are dreaming. So even though I may or may not have been dreaming for most of the WILDs or sleep paralysis episodes, I color coded them as hypnagogia. Just keep in mind that they could have occurred from within the dream.

Well, here it is!

It is 7:34am. It's kind of late, but I decide to try and WILD. I'll just wake up at 9am today. It takes me a little while to fall asleep. My WILDing does not seem successful. Every few minutes or so, I find that I am really uncomfortable and slightly impatient. I decide to just try and go to sleep. As the wandering images start to flow, I instead fuel them in order to get to a dream faster.

Now this is where the confusion begins. I either WILD or DILD. I cannot tell which. I cannot tell if I start experiencing sleep paralysis from within a dream/false awakening type thing or whether it is an actual WILD. As for the FAs, except for the parts I KNOW don't happen (like dream recall note taking or talking to people), I am not sure if I really woke up or not.

Either way, I fall into sleep paralysis. I want to keep my eyes closed, but I also want to look around. It's been weeks since I remember inducing sleep paralysis, so I am proud of myself. I decide to look around. I see nothing. I feel a slight sense of relief. No evil dream monsters attacking me today. The wall to my far right starts to blur as an invisible figure seems to bulge out of the air. I guess I spoke too soon...

...The invisible figure starts to walk towards me, while floating in the air, as it forms. It begins to solidify. I can only perceive the entity in bits and pieces. The form of it is completely distorted. It looks and feels JUST like my dark spirit guide.

What should I do? Should I make myself wake up? Should I face the entity? I make my decision quickly.

No more fear! I have consciously been through sleep paralysis many times. It is time to face my dark spirit guide! Within seconds, the entity almost completely forms. This is new. I see a blond-white haired young fairy-like woman hovering over my bed. I can definitely see her wings. She is wearing blue colored fairy-like clothes. I cannot really make out her face.

I try to proceed through my hallucinations. I relax and ignore everything that is happening around me. Focus on nothing. Think of nothing. WILD.

I wake up.

Again into sleep paralysis. I see the fairy-like woman hovering over my bed again. She begins to speak.

"Wake up!" she exclaims in a worried voice. "You have to hurry! Wake up before it's too late!"

I try to move. I am trying to wake myself up but I am not sure how, so I just try my best to break out of the paralysis. I can feel my inner hands flailing about.

I wake up

I don't feel tired anymore. I am excited. I can't wait to start writing a log for this experience. I FINALLY went into conscious sleep paralysis again. I feel like I should end it here. I think that if I go into sleep paralysis again, I will see dark entities. I think that is why she wanted me to wake up. The dark entities were coming.

I think my dad and my brother walk into my bedroom. My brother somehow knows I just had sleep paralysis. I might have told him. They leave and I go back to sleep.

I fall into another round of sleep paralysis.

All sorts of scary dream-entity monster things are in my room now. I can't really focus on any particular entity. I think there might be four. Maybe three. But there is an emphasis on the one in the middle. This one approaches my bed and hovers above it. I think it might be black and white. I am not too sure. It might have also been slightly invisible.

This entity's presence is the strongest. I want to proceed through the WILD, but the entity is distracting me, tugging at me and just giving off a negative vibe. I try to imagine things around my room wiping all of them away. I expect hands to protrude from the wall and just knock them out of my room through the walls. The hands don't appear, but I manage to slightly repel them. However, they try to fight back. I try to move, but SP keeps me in my place. However, I can move my inner body. I can move every part of myself THROUGH my physical body except for my head and torso.

Then I do something that even surprises myself.

I always leave the radio or my mp3 player on as I fall asleep. I usually play chill out music on my mp3 player. Something like this:

But because I am staying in Philly with my parents for the summer, I don't have access to all of my music. So I just leave the radio on a classical music station at night. Usually, the music is light and relaxing. Sometimes it gets intense.

What I end up doing happens without me even thinking about it beforehand. I subconsciously and instantly perform this attack, as if it is a reflex. I amplify the volume of the radio by A LOT, near it's maximum output. I think I do this with just expectation and belief.

The classical song playing right now is LOUD and INTENSE. The drums are booming. The strings are fast. The lead is a trumpet-like instrument blaring it's horn as I begin my attack.

This isn't the song I heard, but the feeling/vibe is similar. Specifically, the build up and the intense sections.

With each blare of the horn, I somehow project an attack. It is as if the music and I are one and the same. The music follows my lead and the attacks follow the lead of the music. The horn is the blade of the sword, the bullet to the gun, the most dangerous part of the weapon, or whatever it actually is. The drums are the most foundational part, the stabilizer of all. It keeps the control and the stability of the music, and therefore it keeps the control and the stability of the attacks. I'm not completely sure how it actually works. I can't see an actual weapon, but I can feel it. With each note, the projected attack moves in complete synchronicity. Every instrument of the orchestra affects the attack and the weapon in some way.

I remember Ketsuyume's thread: The importance of rolling with fear; for all training oneironauts

Particularly, this part:

As dream/other world travelers in training that want to become more conscious in our endeavors, I recommend strongly having a memory we can draw on at any time. Even in moments where my consciousness is just barely holding on, if I experience even the smallest twinge of fear this memory/anchor almost always comes to me. I've even heard the song on a few occasions.

Your anchor might be a golden meadow, the beach where a beautiful soul mate awaits you, a place in real life, or something similar to what I have created. The important part is that it resonates with you so strongly you can easily draw on it's memory at any time. My anchor is both beautiful/pure and melancholy/dark because it is what resonates with me, personally.

Fear will no longer decide what action I take. Fear will only be a measurement of how far I'm willing to go to accomplish my goals.

No time to think. Time to fight.

The music builds up to its most intense point and I am flowing with it. The maneuvers and attacks follow the music like a dance. A dangerous one. The entities are not happy. They try to fight back. I am repelling them in all directions of the room. My strength is increasing. They aren't as strong as I originally thought. I can do this. I can take them out.

I wake up.

I believe it is the radio that woke me up. So I turn the volume down.

I already turned it down earlier before I started the first, original WILD attempt.

I attempt yet another WILD.

I fall into sleep paralysis.

This time, I try to "peel" my inner body outside of my outer body. It is working.

I am leaving my body behind! As I start to fly out of my own body, a haziness overwhelms me.

I fall into a normal dream. It is South-Park styled.

I am in a large wood-type cabin. It is a luxurious vacation place. There are lots of people in this room. Kids, teens, and I. I am more of an observer. There is a pool table in the cabin as well. Everyone here is just relaxing. The kids seems a bit angry and aggressive.

An old military man walks into the cabin. He is very tall, is wearing a dark greenish military uniform (not the camo, the formal attire), and looks pretty strong. He walks up to one end of the pool table. He is the father of one of the kids here. He presents himself as a "cool" person. Everyone in the room sort of accepts this and is impressed by this. Everyone here listens to him. If he tells them to do something, they listen.

I don't remember much. He generally teaches and trains everyone here to be cool. He even breaks items around the cabin to impress the people here. His son, however, is embarrassed by him.

It isn't long until other kids around here start seeing him the same way. He is no longer cool. Everyone stops listening to him. I can now interact in the room. I walk up to the pool table and see one of the two pool cues are broken. I want to break the other one for fun.

Something about him putting all the kids on planes later on. They listen and go on various planes. All of those planes are then put on one super huge plane. This huge plane crashes downward into a field.

It is supposed to be funny. I just find it disturbing.

I think I wake up.

That's funny. I am not in my bed. I am seated on the chair behind my dad's desk facing a computer that is turned off. There is a long wire to my left. It is hovering in the air. One end of the wire is attached to a part of the ceiling behind me. The other end is attached somewhere to the wall in front and below me (to my left).

I have never seen that wire before...Am I...dreaming?

I do the nose reality check a few times. It works. Twice.

Yes! FINALLY! I manage to keep my excitement down, but my subconscious expectations of waking up are still there...

...I focus on the monitor in front of me. I will not think a single thought. Quiet that internal dialogue!

I grab the monitor. It feels somewhat real, but the dream feels foggy. Am I losing the dream? Should I induce an FA to start from a fresh clear and vivid dream?

Instead, I walk out of the room. I jump over the banister and down the entire flight of stairs that leads to the living room below.

Haziness.

I am pretty sure I wake up.

When I wake, I realize that I need to practice much better dream control and stability. Fortunately, my level of excitement didn't overwhelm me this time. I decide to take a break and write all of the significant details ony my phone's notepad thing.

Then, I decide I'm just going to go back to sleep. If I LD, I LD. If not, then whatever. Hahaha. I just don't want to have another SP episode today. I had too many of them already.

I can't feel my body. When I move, I do feel it. It is heavy.

I snap out of it.

I don't want to fall into sleep paralysis again. I just want to sleep!

I start slipping into SP again.

I snap out of it again. This is starting to get annoying...

...and back into SP I go!

Fine. Whatever. I won't try to WILD. I'll just let my conscious seep into whatever normal dream is in store for me...

...I am now in my living room. I step on something sharp. It penetrates my big toe on my left foot and it hurts only slightly. I take my sock off and pull it out. It is a thin, sharp, wire-like white nail about an inch long. It stabbed my toe almost the whole way through! This surprises me.

I "remember" I have something I need to do! I gotta get back to that South Park cabin!

Another blur in my recall. I forget what happens. I might have somehow gone back to the cabin, or I may have gone through another false awakening.

Either way, I find myself in my living room again. It is darkish here, as if most of the house lights are off. Outside, I see that the sky is overcast and it is dimming. Night is almost here. The television has the news on. My parents are seated on the green couch that faces the TV and watching it. My brother is walking around in the living room and he is up to something.

I walk towards the TV so I can see what is being reported. They are doing a news report about Africa. There is some kind of civil symbolic protest going on. There are two men wielding oversized thick bats. Almost like clubs, but larger. The clubs are yellow-ish and plastic, but they are also strong. In front of the two men are empty gallon containers of milk. Instead of being made of plastic, these containers are made of a thick glass.

The men swing their bats and break the glass. I "remember" hearing about this. It is some sort of political movement protesting something using symbolic measures. The symbol was taking the bat and swinging it to break the empty gallon glass containers. It makes sense to me.

I start walking to the kitchen. I pass the TV, and now have my back to it. I hear another glass container breaking. A few shards of glass actually hit me. I turn around and stare at the television. They break another glass container. More shards fly out of the screen.

Now I have two thought processes.

One says "this makes sense. Since they are only using a single camera, only a little bit of the glass can get through the TV. No one will get hurt from these few pieces of flying shards of glass."

The other says "Wtf...? This...doesn't feel right. Let me see this again."

I go to the front of the television, and stand on its right side so the glass does not hit me. They break another container. Pieces of the glass fly out of the screen. This is...weird...I think.

I do the nose RC. It fails. I do it again. It passes.

So I am dreaming.

I am incredibly relaxed. I just don't want to lose my lucidity. Other than that thought, I believe that I will not wake up. This dream is stable.

Don't forget. Don't think through internal dialogue. Have a meditative mind. Just do what I want to do.

Yet, I am repeating to myself internally: "This is a lucid dream. This is a lucid dream. This is a lucid dream."

I kind of want to induce a false awakening to "start off fresh" with strong clarity and vividness, but I decide it might be risky. I might actually wake up. So I start exploring.

I go to the front door of my Philly house. I unlock it and am about to step outside. However, I think I sense something. Someone is behind me and this person is about to do something bad. He may have hit me. I turn around and in front of me stands my brother. He has a non-dangerous weapon in his hand. He actually just wants to fake-fight. But I want to explore.

I see a cardboard box nearby. I put my right arm in front of me and I start levitating it. I move my arm and the box mirrors my movements. I make the box hit him in the head. He collapses to the floor as if he is dead. My parents don't even care. They are just sitting down watching the television.

I feel bad, even if he is just a dream character. I crouch beside his body, pick him up and intend for him to be alive again. He comes back to life.

After this, I start walking out. I want to fly again. I must rid myself of the fear of lucidity loss. I have always associated flying with losing lucidity or waking up. Here is my chance to practice.

I start walking outside. Haziness.

I find myself without lucidity on the front porch of the house. I am with my dad and my brother. An asian man is also here. He is standing on the porch right next door to us. He is missing some teeth. But he is wearing a nice light red or light pinkish button down shirt. The shirt is unbuttoned and he has no undershirt on. He is really skinny. He is wearing a light brown hat and khaki pants.

I look around. I see that the sky is still overcast. This is...weird...I think. I've never seen this asian man before. And yet, he is chillin with us like we've known each other for a long time. Everything about this just feels...off.

I start to bring my hand up to my nose to do an RC. The asian man turns around to go inside his own house. This distracts me as I want to shake his hand and say bye before he leaves. After we shake hands, he goes inside.

I see a woman that looks EXACTLY like my freshman year Chinese teacher LW follow behind him. She is wearing formal work clothes. I wanna shake her hand too.

"Oh, no," she says matter-of-factly. "No germs."

I "remember" why. She has a very sick child in the house and everything inside is disinfected. For this reason, my dad is annoyed that I forgot.

I realize that I am now on their porch. Two or three kids run out of their house and stare at me. I go back to my porch. That was weird. How did I get here? Blurriness. I think I may have had another FA.

Even more blurriness.

I wake up. Wow. Intense dreams, I think to myself.

I wake up, again.

WTF!?

Wasn't I already up?

I look at the clock. It is around 8:35am.

Wait. A lot of the memories start returning to me. The false awakenings, the lucid dreams, the sleep paralysis, the dream recall within a dream note taking.

No no no no no no no! Everything was an FA up until now! So I wrote nothing?! Nooooooooooooooo.

I RC several times. Everything feels "realer" and more "stable." This tells me I have some work to do with dream control and stability.

But right now, this is not a dream.

I start typing up all the notes again on my cell phone, and I make sure to RC throughout the writing just to be sure.

April 23, 2011

Sleep Paralysis - Round Two

NON-DREAM | DREAM | LUCID | FA | HH

I WILDed.

I was in sleep paralysis. I tried to move and couldn't. I wasn't as scared of my dark spirit guide being there because I intended to remain focused and see this thing through. I was going to go all the way and get into a dream lucidly.

Distortion. Everything around me was a blur. I knew I was lying in bed in my room though. I managed to move my inner hands and then tried to move my outer hands. I could hear the external perceptions but there were new internal perceptions. I tried to focus on those.

I focused on the internal. I felt myself fall into a pool of water. It was as if I was there, but not really. I couldn't see a thing. I felt myself both on my bed and in that pool.

Then I felt myself lying in bed at a hotel room. I opened my eyes. My room looked fancier, but then in a flash, changed back to my actual room.

I did the nose pinch test with my inner hands. I could breathe. I tried to get up out of my bed hoping I ended up dreaming. That the earlier visualizations caused me to fall into a dream where I was in my bed, like a false awakening.

My chest felt heavy like it was latched in place but because I thought it was a dream, my expectations allowed me to get out of my bed.

I remembered about my dark spirit guide.

"Not yet dream guide. Not yet spirit guide."

I whispered this to prevent my guide from making an appearance.

As I got up out of bed, I saw two views superimposed onto each other. In one, I was standing through my bed right in the middle of it. I felt the carpet on the floor beneath my barefoot feet. In the other, I was lying in my bed. It was really trippy.

I decided to try the goggle trick. I intended to have goggles over my eyes. When I would take them off, every visual perception in front of me would change and I would be in a new dream. I felt my forehead and my eyes. There were no goggles to take off. The intentions weren't working.

I tried the intentions several times, but nothing happened. I snapped back to my original state lying in bed. I decided to try and progress through the WILD with visualizations and forming a dream that way.

As I tried to progress through the WILD, I felt my true body again.

I had woken up.

I went back continuing my attempts to WILD.

I felt my body go into sleep paralysis.

I thought I heard my locked door open.

"Not yet dream guide. Not yet spirit guide."

I whispered these once again. I wanted to meet my spirit guide when I was in a true lucid dream and not during sleep paralysis.

I focused on my visualizations and internal perceptions again.

I heard children.

"[Birth name]! [Birth name]! [Birth name]!"

They were chanting my name happily, cheering me on. It was strange and had a spirit-like vibe.

So this was what an auditory hallucination was like. I've never had one before. I was never this proficient at WILDing. Now I feel like I am.

My body felt like it was swirling. But as I was focused too much onto what was happening to me and not just letting it happen, I started to lose my immersion in my internal perceptions.

I felt my true body. I woke up...I could FEEL it. Feeling myself wake up from sleep paralysis was a strange sensation. It felt like I transitioned from one world to another. In my waking world, I sensed it as home. I knew it and did the nose pinch test to prove it. I did several other tests as well just to be sure.

Then I decided to give it another go.

I quickly went back into sleep paralysis. I could move my inner arms and everything. Just as quickly as sleep paralysis came, it left.

I felt my true body. I had woken up again. I felt refreshed. I was done. Maybe tomorrow.

April 22, 2011

Sleep Paralysis

NON-DREAM | DREAM | LUCID | FA | HH

I WILDed.

In my dream I was in my bed again. I couldn't move. I knew this wasn't sleep paralysis (at least that was my guess). It was a dream that I was IN sleep paralysis.

I decided to use this opportunity to try and break free from this lucid paralysis. I couldn't move any part of my body. I was kind of apprehensive as well. I was afraid my dark spirit guide would make an appearance. I was sort of considering how real this all was but not trying to focus too much. Just enough to remain aware.

I couldn't move.

But it was as if I had another set of hands. If I tried to move the hands in front of me, I would fail. But there were hands in those hands. When I tried to move these inner hands. I could move freely. The same went for the legs.

I could move my inner hands and legs whenever I wanted wherever I wanted. But when I tried to move the limbs in front of me, I would fail.

I tried rolling out of my bed several times. It didn't work. While I could move my limbs, it was like my chest was latched onto itself. It was as if there was a lock between my outer and inner chest. No matter how much I moved, that core part was stuck, keeping me in the bed.

Instead of trying to break free, I decided to try and use a "rope" method for astral projection that I read years ago. I forgot how it is actually supposed to go, but I tried my best from memory. I imagined there was a rope above me. I started pulling on it. It was like a pulley. I felt my inner legs start to move upwards. I kept pulling and I started to move upwards. But once again, the chest lock was there and prevented me from going much higher.

Afterwards, I decided to try and move my "consciousness." Seeing how I was in a sleep paralysis dream, I wanted to see if I could instead break free by moving my perceptions away from my bed. This also didn't work.

Finally, I tried WILDing within the dream. This had the most promising results and made me question whether I was in an actual sleep paralysis dream or whether I was in sleep paralysis. Maybe I'm having legit sleep paralysis. The line between waking life and dreaming gets blurred and so perceptions of the two probably merge.

I closed my eyes and imagined perceptions around me. They would start to form. I was lying down on a bus. I was walking into a building. I actually felt the door with my eyes closed. It was like I was transitioning my perceptions from the external world to an internal world.

But I kept bringing my attention back to the outer world. The dark spirit guide. I was half paying attention to my door hoping it wouldn't show up. I wasn't ready for another encounter. Not yet. This felt too real, my room felt too much like mine, and if the spirit guide were to walk through the door right now, I would probably freak. This was too much like real life. Hell, it WAS real life in terms of the way it felt.

I found myself still stuck in the bed. I moved my inner head. I saw my outer hands were lying limp next to me. Maybe I could try and move them with my mouth?

I went ahead and managed to put my outer fingers in my inner mouth. I felt the fingers in my mouth, but not the mouth on my fingers. It was really weird. These fingers didn't feel like my own. I tried biting the fingers and it was the same thing. The perceptions only went one way.

Then it happened. My door opened. I remembered locking it earlier this morning, so I felt that it might be my dark spirit guide. My comforter was blocking me from seeing who came inside.

"Get the fuck out of here!" I yelled. "I can't deal with this right now. Not yet..."

I said this in a "please don't bother me right now" kind of attitude. I was scared because I didn't want to have another lucid experience with it that involved me being paralyzed.

I tried my best to wake myself up. I moved around frantically. My inner hands were waving furiously but my outer hands were limp on top of my body. I darted my eyes back and forth thinking "WAKE UP!"

After about 30 seconds, I woke up.

I did the nose pinch test and knew I was awake. My eyes were incredibly groggy and I closed them.

I was in sleep paralysis mode (dream?) again. I couldn't move or anything. I tried to wake myself up again!

I woke up. But then I fell back asleep.

I didn't want to try anymore. I wanted a normal dream or to wake up.

So I woke myself up and started typing this journal entry.

I have a theory as to what's been going on with my "lucid paralysis."

I'm in true sleep paralysis. Originally I thought it was a dream, but it's happening too often and the experiences don't seem to be as malleable as dreams truly are. I can change my perceptions around me but only in ways that seem hallucinatory. Immersion techniques (into another dream) seem to be the only ones that work in getting me out of that state.

I just experience this so often that I tend to fall into dreams of being in sleep paralysis. When I have a sleep paralysis dream, I can break out of the state.

My best bet, whether it's a dream or not, is to use what I've got. WILD into a dream (or a new dream) with the rules I want it to have.

As for the dark spirit guide, I'll seek it out again, no question. I just need for it to be on my terms right now.

April 21, 2011

Meeting My Scary Spirit Guide

NON-DREAM | DREAM | LUCID | FA | HH

I was in my old Philly bedroom near the left window. For some reason, I thought I might be dreaming, so I did the nose pinch test.

I was dreaming.

While I realized I was dreaming, I was in the midst of jumping, but I remembered everything I had to do. This was MY dream. I would not wake up for a while until I wanted to wake up. I was calm and relaxed. I would be in for an adventure.

As I landed from the jump, the entire scenery "flipped" around me as if I was doing a flip. I wasn't.

I found myself back in my own bed, paralyzed. I had woken up but was in a state of sleep paralysis. Everything around me was distorted.

I decided to try and break out of this sleep paralysis a different way. Instead of doing something boring like trying to just move and hoping I could take control of my lucid dream, I decided to bring another entity into it.

I struggled to utter some words. I said something like:

"Spirit Guide. Please come and help me if you're out there."

Nothing happened. At least at first. I was still paralyzed in my bed.

Then, someone opened the door to my room. In waking life, I locked the door. I was definitely in a hallucinatory state. At first, this someone resembled my friend OT, but it wasn't him at all. This was the result of me calling out to my spirit guide.

However, the vibe this entity gave off wasn't exactly comforting as I came to expect when reading the dream journal entries of others. When the entity walked in, I started to feel fear. I also felt as if this entity was real. I've had lucid dreams before and felt the emptiness behind most DCs. They weren't real. But this one had an essence. I felt as if another entity was truly there with me. The fact that I wasn't yet in a dream made everything feel all too real.

It walked towards my bed. Everything about it became distorted. It was as if I could only perceive it in bits and pieces. It's face was incredibly distorted. I couldn't make much of a face out. This made the entity slightly scarier. The entity stood next to me as I was laying in my bed. I wondered what it would do to help me out.

It "sat down" on a chair that I think it made. Afterwards, it telepathically communicated with me.

"Do this by yourself."

I heard a voice when it communicated this to me. The voice was almost non-existent, yet I "heard" it. The best way I can describe the "voice" was that it was like a deep dark whisper. And yet this was a voice that didn't require breath to exist. The entity was not exhaling to talk. It sounded unhuman-like.

I understood why the entity wanted me to do this by myself. The intentions were for me to grow spiritually strong enough to be capable of unparalyzing myself whenever I wanted from my own dream. If I let my expectations control me, I would not grow.

Despite all of this helpful knowledge, what the entity did next really creeped me out.

The entity took my left paralyzed hand and picked it up in it's own. It started swirling it's index finger on my palm.

I was trying to break free from the paralysis now, but I couldn't. If I moved my right hand, it would be like fighting against a force trying to move my hand back to it's original spot.

The entity was still swirling its index finger on my palm. I wondered what the hell it was trying to do. Immerse me in the dream? Transfer knowledge? Give me support? Despite any rationalization I could come up with, I was CREEPED OUT!

I woke up out of the sleep paralysis state.

I did the nose pinch test several times to be sure. The next few dreams were a sleep paralysis roller coaster.

I fell back asleep.

I was in sleep paralysis again (#2). I didn't want to see the entity again, so I tried to wake myself up. I tried to wiggle my fingers and they moved very slightly. I moved my eyes all around trying to get my waking body to physically move and thus, wake up.

I woke up.

The nose pinch test and failing to manipulate the things around me told me I was really awake.

I lay in bed trying not to fall asleep. I was incredibly tired and could easily fall back into a dream. However, I didn't want to.

I fell back asleep.

I was in yet another sleep paralysis state (#3). I tried to wake up again fearing the entity would come back.

I woke up after struggling against the paralysis.

I fell back asleep.

I was in ANOTHER sleep paralysis state (#4). This time, I tried to fight the paralysis.

Every time I moved a limb, it would be shot back into it's original place. I tried my best to believe I could move. I was starting to roll out of my bed. It was working...

I woke up.

I fell back asleep.

I was in YET ANOTHER sleep paralysis state (#5).

I still felt apprehension towards the possibility of the spirit guide entity coming back. I wondered if it really was my spirit guide at all or just a random entity that had malevolent intentions in appearing.

I managed to "pop" several limbs from my own body. I thought about whether or not I might be astral projecting. So I took that approach to try and free myself.

Maybe the entity was an astral entity that was malevolent...

I popped my legs and arms free from my body and imagined rolling from my bed and being pulled up from my body. It was working...

I woke up.

I fell back asleep.

I was in another sleep paralysis state (#6).

I managed to pop my hands out of my body. The only problem was that while I could FEEL my hands moving, I couldn't SEE them moving. Visually, I could only perceive myself lying paralyzed in the bed. My hands also appeared paralyzed.

However, I moved my hands and could feel them moving through space. I decided to do a goggle trick I remembered reading about on dreamviews. Expect to have goggles on and take them off with my moving hands. When the goggles come off, I'm supposed to see my actual self in a dream.

Yet when I tried this, there were no goggles to pull off. Because I didn't feel like I was wearing them in the first place, there was nothing to take off.

The dream started to reduce in clarity...

I fell into a normal dream...

12.04.2011

The life of Her (Non-lucid)

NON-DREAM DREAM LUCID

This was an extremely long dream. I can only recall fragments from the first part of the dream. Several days, nights, months and years happened in this dream. I think I was a spirit guide from a lady since she was born until she was old. The whole dream covered the life of her. She had no name, so I call her, "Her" It felt odd to be a dream, I was not lucid and I was not Astral Traveling either.

- Her was born. Female, blonde, special child. She could see me.
- Years passed, she had a hard childhood. She only could trust me.

I was in a hotel with Her. Her was about 10.. The hotel did not have much decor, it was mainly a wooden closet, a bed with a green cover and two brown lamps. There was an odd lamp by the closet that made noises and revealed images from the future when you walked by, but I was uncomfortable, so I left. I started to talk with Her. Music sounded in the dream. She was sad because she had no friends. I told her to be assured people loved her. I told her she had indeed friends.

Now I was at a swimming pool. Her was about 18. Her was nervous and excited at the same time. She was going to have a race. She jumped on the second aisle of the right of the pool. Two female ladies tried to screw her, however, a third lady, who was Mexican jumped between then and pushed Her to the corner. Her was happy that she did not have to deal with the other two ladies anymore. A gun was shot and the race started. Her dove and started to swim very fast, she arrived second, someone arrived prior to her and received the gold medal.
Her left the swimming pool to me her only friend, or maybe two friends. I was floating in the middle of the pool, now empty. I could see the spectators seats. The seats were wooden and they had a shape like a pyramid. The sits were so next to each other that I could slide on them and get into the pool. Oddly, I did not splashed.

Now I was in some gardens. Her was about 40. Her found some hidden stuff of a friend. Her told me she was not a fancy city gal but a more rural gal who grow in the woods. She told me she had to act like a city gal to fit in. There was a small wooden house under a couple of trees. There was a sink in the middle of the house, but not faucets, just the sink. The sink looked old and damaged. There was not pipe on the bottom of the sink. I saw some blood under the sink (on the ground)

I was in a big forest, but it had almost no trees. Her was on her 80s. One of her last wishes was to take a picture of me, with her. I told her I did not belong to that world and I doubted the camera could picture me, but I tried. There camera had a two inch radius objective that was tried to a cord. She moved the objective and placed it on my forehead. Her said, "Right where the Third Eye is!" Then, she moved the objective back to the camera. It was dawn and after several tries, only her appeared on the photo. I decided to take some pictures of her and I told her that my energy would be within her photos. Her was happy. She smiled, lied down in the ground and died with a smile on her face. Shortly, I woke up.

In a three story school, located at the base of a steep mountain, children were gathered there to be trained and tested. It was a special school for training in survival tactics or something like that, but it also focused on philosphy. There were no glass in the windows and it was winter time, so everything was very cold and everyone was dressed in winter clothing all of the time. There were no sleeping quarters and the children just slept on the floor of the classrooms in heavy arctic sleeping bags.

In the dream I was an orphan and at the school only because I had no where else to go. I was a ward of the school, as much as a student. I felt like the odd one out, because I didn't have any friends and I had very bad vision, whereas all the other students were sociable and no one else wore glasses.

I did not do very well at my studies and I really didn't like it there. At free time I explored the forests surrounding the school, while the other kids socialized with each other and played in the school yard. The teachers constantly advise students to stay out of the forests because there are monsters and enemies around.

One day, after the daily studies were finished, I decided to explore the road that led up the mountain. Evening was approaching as I explored and I was suddenly attacked by three oversized crow-like birds. I had minimal training in fighting and I only had a small knife to defend myself with. As I fought the birds a wolf appeared on the road behind me, but it just watched from a distance.

When I managed to kill the birds, I collapsed on the road and saw the wolf approaching. I was covered in blood and exausted and I was afraid that the wolf was going to eat me - it looked very hungry. I threw the bird carcasses towards the wolf (with the last of my strength) which it ate rapidly, then disappeared back into the forest. After the wolf disappeared, teachers from the school arrived and carried me back to the building.

After the story of my encounter spread around the school, I suddenly had respect from the students and teachers, but my interest in my studies did not increase any and I still spent most of my time alone. Not even two days after the incident, I was back in the forest and the wolf appeared in front of me. It looked at me cautiously but did not attack. I sensed that it was hungry again and I threw it some meat from my pack. The wolf ate the meat quickly and when it was finished, he telepathically thanked me and dissapeared deep into the woods.

I was surprised that I could hear the wolf's voice in my head, but I do not tell anyone of my psychic experience. I also figured that it was only a one time thing. Several weeks went by and I was exploring the forest and I once again ran into the wolf. When I saw him, I automatically threw him some meat from my pack, which he gladly ate. Because it was getting late I started to return to the school, but the wolf spoke to me telepathically and told me to stop.

The wolf said it was dangerous to return to the school and that I should hide in the forest until morning, but I ignored his warning and started back anyway. The wolf followed close behind me but was silent. When I got to the edge of the forest, I saw that there were tanks and large trucks that had surrounded the school. Men in military uniforms were rounding up the students and teachers and putting them into the large trucks.

The wolf grabbed the sleeve of my coat and dragged me back into the forest to avoid being spotted. When we were a bit deeper into the forest, the wolf let go of my sleeve, looked at me for a moment (his "expression" mysterious and unreadable) then he dashed off deep into the woods.