mini0991
10-07-2009, 08:01 PM
These were originally posted at my blog, but I figured you guys might enjoy some selections off the list of things I hate.
1. Toast crumbs in the butter
This one was one of the things Calvin himself added to his terse list of things he hates. I couldn't help but agree more.
Now if you ask me to name one thing off the top of my head that gets my goat, it's when I put butter on my pancakes in the morning and all I see are fucking toast crumbs and poppy seeds coming off the butter knife.
Even worse is when I add some butter to my spaghetti and
then my spaghetti ends up tasting like boiled shit and chews like something
I peeled up off the
highway. Is it really that damn hard to wipe the knife off after buttering your toast or your bun before going for another swipe? The sooner people in this world understand to be more considerate with the butter so my pancakes don't end up looking like a thirteen year-old's clearasil-smeared acne disaster of a face, the better off we'll all be.
2. The emergency broadcast system
I'm sure we all love it when we're watching something good on TV, such as a football game, and right before that spectacular play shows its results, our TV screen suddenly turns corpse blood red and plays annoying deafening tones that will someday magically
save my life in a nuclear war in a manner similar to the excellent Duck and Cover maneuver. Seriously, what has the Emergency Broadcast System ever been good for besides getting fatass welfare queens their two minutes of physical activity per year by making them get the remote off the floor and make a mad finger-dash for Mute? I suppose there would be tremendous loss of life if they didn't take the trouble to interrupt my
favorite music every two minutes to tell me the storm in the next state moved another two feet
to the east.
3. Insects
Insects are God's way of telling us there's always something more annoying than that fat bitch you have to sit next to on the bus who won't shut up about how smart she thinks her fifteen cats are. When you hear the one about Fluffy clawing at the TV during a dog food commercial, just
take time to notice the thousands of gnats orbiting your head and invading every orifice of your face. Insects piss me off so much that I take the time to scream "PWNT!!" at the top of my
lungs after swatting the fuckers before they try to lay a finger on my Butterfinger.
4. Dead worms
I think this was another one off Calvin's original list. Dead worms. Not living worms, but dead ones. They're all over the fucking sidewalk and
I always end up tracking them in my house. I think dead worms are the only thing that's harder to avoid when it isn't alive.
5. Being too hot
There's always something you can attempt when you're too cold. Rubbing hands together or bundling up until you look like the 200 pound tumor from that Discovery channel program usually helps. But when it's too hot, you can't exactly start taking stuff off. Fanning yourself
with any implement within reach doesn't work either. The only thing that ever worked for
me was shoving my face in front of an air conditioner until Winter came. Fuck hot weather.
6. Rainy days
I don't fucking give two shits if it is an essential part of the weather that rehydrates flora and reduces the acidity of the soil, anything that stops me from doing breakneck speeds on the copless turnpike gets a mark of censure in my book.
7. ipod earbuds
Fucking little pieces of shit are always falling out of my ear like tears from an emo's face after finding out that studies show life is just as depressing as it was yesterday. If you so much as think about moving your head in the slightest, they take a nosedive out your ear for
the floor. After the fifth time this happens, I give them a nosedive for the trash compactor in
favor of something that will stay in my ears longer than the time it takes for a fat ugly WoW nerd to get shot down in the dating circle.
8. Creamed corn
It comes in a perfectly good form on the cob, but no, some people aren't satisfied unless they make it look like diarrhea in a can. Creamed corn is about as appetizing as aforementioned diarrhea and tastes like so.
9. Sweet carrots and peas
If I wanted something sweet, I'd rot my teeth downing a bag of Hershey Kisses instead of pouring High Fructose Dextromethate Sulfamide Somethingamajig Syrup all over something that tasted fine without it in the first place. I tried sweetened carrots once when I was seven and it lasted about three seconds before it ended up spectacularly sprayed all over my half of the dinner table.
10. School(number two thing on this list)
Yes, this is how I have it marked in the textfile. School is the number two thing on my list (you'll get to see the number one thing eventually.) Granted, I'm almost out of the state-mandated incarceration I've experienced for thirteen long years, but it's sucking all the way through to the end. You tell me whether or not it's possible to have a good day in a place where you can't go to the bathroom without proudly announcing it to the teacher and to everyone else, that is *if* you get the permission at all. If I'm correct, even Gitmo prisoners get to piss when they want. If everyone in Gitmo got to go home at three and had to be back by eight in the morning the next day...they'd still have more rights than the typical high schooler.
1. Toast crumbs in the butter
This one was one of the things Calvin himself added to his terse list of things he hates. I couldn't help but agree more.
Now if you ask me to name one thing off the top of my head that gets my goat, it's when I put butter on my pancakes in the morning and all I see are fucking toast crumbs and poppy seeds coming off the butter knife.
Even worse is when I add some butter to my spaghetti and
then my spaghetti ends up tasting like boiled shit and chews like something
I peeled up off the
highway. Is it really that damn hard to wipe the knife off after buttering your toast or your bun before going for another swipe? The sooner people in this world understand to be more considerate with the butter so my pancakes don't end up looking like a thirteen year-old's clearasil-smeared acne disaster of a face, the better off we'll all be.
2. The emergency broadcast system
I'm sure we all love it when we're watching something good on TV, such as a football game, and right before that spectacular play shows its results, our TV screen suddenly turns corpse blood red and plays annoying deafening tones that will someday magically
save my life in a nuclear war in a manner similar to the excellent Duck and Cover maneuver. Seriously, what has the Emergency Broadcast System ever been good for besides getting fatass welfare queens their two minutes of physical activity per year by making them get the remote off the floor and make a mad finger-dash for Mute? I suppose there would be tremendous loss of life if they didn't take the trouble to interrupt my
favorite music every two minutes to tell me the storm in the next state moved another two feet
to the east.
3. Insects
Insects are God's way of telling us there's always something more annoying than that fat bitch you have to sit next to on the bus who won't shut up about how smart she thinks her fifteen cats are. When you hear the one about Fluffy clawing at the TV during a dog food commercial, just
take time to notice the thousands of gnats orbiting your head and invading every orifice of your face. Insects piss me off so much that I take the time to scream "PWNT!!" at the top of my
lungs after swatting the fuckers before they try to lay a finger on my Butterfinger.
4. Dead worms
I think this was another one off Calvin's original list. Dead worms. Not living worms, but dead ones. They're all over the fucking sidewalk and
I always end up tracking them in my house. I think dead worms are the only thing that's harder to avoid when it isn't alive.
5. Being too hot
There's always something you can attempt when you're too cold. Rubbing hands together or bundling up until you look like the 200 pound tumor from that Discovery channel program usually helps. But when it's too hot, you can't exactly start taking stuff off. Fanning yourself
with any implement within reach doesn't work either. The only thing that ever worked for
me was shoving my face in front of an air conditioner until Winter came. Fuck hot weather.
6. Rainy days
I don't fucking give two shits if it is an essential part of the weather that rehydrates flora and reduces the acidity of the soil, anything that stops me from doing breakneck speeds on the copless turnpike gets a mark of censure in my book.
7. ipod earbuds
Fucking little pieces of shit are always falling out of my ear like tears from an emo's face after finding out that studies show life is just as depressing as it was yesterday. If you so much as think about moving your head in the slightest, they take a nosedive out your ear for
the floor. After the fifth time this happens, I give them a nosedive for the trash compactor in
favor of something that will stay in my ears longer than the time it takes for a fat ugly WoW nerd to get shot down in the dating circle.
8. Creamed corn
It comes in a perfectly good form on the cob, but no, some people aren't satisfied unless they make it look like diarrhea in a can. Creamed corn is about as appetizing as aforementioned diarrhea and tastes like so.
9. Sweet carrots and peas
If I wanted something sweet, I'd rot my teeth downing a bag of Hershey Kisses instead of pouring High Fructose Dextromethate Sulfamide Somethingamajig Syrup all over something that tasted fine without it in the first place. I tried sweetened carrots once when I was seven and it lasted about three seconds before it ended up spectacularly sprayed all over my half of the dinner table.
10. School(number two thing on this list)
Yes, this is how I have it marked in the textfile. School is the number two thing on my list (you'll get to see the number one thing eventually.) Granted, I'm almost out of the state-mandated incarceration I've experienced for thirteen long years, but it's sucking all the way through to the end. You tell me whether or not it's possible to have a good day in a place where you can't go to the bathroom without proudly announcing it to the teacher and to everyone else, that is *if* you get the permission at all. If I'm correct, even Gitmo prisoners get to piss when they want. If everyone in Gitmo got to go home at three and had to be back by eight in the morning the next day...they'd still have more rights than the typical high schooler.