Thread: Am I the only lonely person? How rare is loneliness?

"I'm lonely sometimes but it's alright."

Finally getting around to getting a girlfriend now at 24, but otherwise I spend nearly 100% of my time off work alone.

Having battled bouts of loneliness and depression in the past, particularly from ages 15-19, I've found that a lack of confidence kept me from reaching out and truly connecting with others, and the conviction that I needed others to be happy prevented me from finding the source of true happiness independent of external conditions. Initially, fixing my self esteem issues and "finding myself" allowed me to build strong and beneficial relationships, and later, realizing that there was an even purer form of happiness that didn't fluctuate like the ups and downs of many relationships allowed me to see that seeking happiness from relationships will never bring the satisfaction that one desires.

Vince, what is this thing that you found? I would be eternally grateful if you could help me find something similar. I hope it's not Jesus because I'm very unlikely to find him anywhere other than inside a book

It's Jesus.

Just kidding.

This happiness I'm speaking of is the result of abandoning attachments and harmful mind states, and acquiring skillful and wholesome states of mind- a result of developing concentration, tranquility, equanimity, mindfulness, good will and compassion, and insight into the nature of the mind/self. This is essentially the path of Buddhism, the goal of which being liberation from suffering. It is a long path and I am nowhere near the end, in fact I've just begun, but already I've seen the results that applying these principles bring. Even in small doses, it's impressive.

I don't suffer from it, I even enjoy my lonely life.

Mainly it is that i'm used to this.. I'm too used to the point that it's kinda normal.

Loneliness, for me, doesn't mean not interacting with people, not hanging out with friends or anything like that. It means not having a single person in your life who is "truly" interested in what you think and feel. And that's the case for me. I'm lonely and mildly depressed because of it.

figurefly, you said something interesting, but I don't know if that's the case for me. Part of me says that my friends are truly interested in how I feel and think and part of me says they are only kind of interested. But I simply don't know because I don't know them well enough.

Vince, you seem to have taken the path that for at least the past few months I knew existed and lead to where I wanted to be, but was always too lazy to take I understand that you have to cultivate these beautiful habits of mind throughout the day, whatever you are doing. Having said that, for how long have you been meditating and how long do you meditate daily? After reading that I assume that you practice daily and wouldn't be surprised if it is 1-2 hours a day.

EDIT: I'm open to the possibility of acquiring these mindstates without much meditation at all, maybe by being convinced of the utility of these habits and constantly correcting yourself when you stray, you can mindful without sitting down to meditate. I'm a bit sceptical but I am open to it.

Originally Posted by Ginsan

figurefly, you said something interesting, but I don't know if that's the case for me. Part of me says that my friends are truly interested in how I feel and think and part of me says they are only kind of interested. But I simply don't know because I don't know them well enough.

The thing I'm about the say has no scientific side to it. And might sound stupid.
I think you "feel" it when someone is truly interested in you. Ever felt that? The invisible bond, the bridge which lets information, feelings, thoughts flow into eachother's hearts and brains. You and him/her are like puppies, curious, caring and genuinely interested.

I think I can relate, but maybe I'm thinking of something else. Yesterday I had a lengthy conversation with a friend, and last week a different lengthy conversation with another friend. I was trying to understand what they were trying to say, then think about whether I am still convinced of my own opinion or not, if not, I'd tell them and if I still disagreed I'd try to state my view clearly. Look for the common ground. Try to found out whether something is a genuine disagreement or just a misinterpretation of each others' view. We talked about several things and sometimes we found out that we agreed, sometimes we agreed to disagree, sometimes we'd go to another topic without resolving it and sometimes I would change my mind, and I think once she moved a little closer to my point of view, but maybe she felt that way all along.

This was a connection that allowed for open, honest and rational conversation. But some feelings were shared, so maybe this is closer to what you are thinking about than I thought?

I think, the conversation could be about anything, the topic is not of importance. It could be about how cool his/her latest spine xray is (wtf is wrong with my imagination). And it doesn't need to be a debate nor thought exchange. If it is though, to learn/to see from eachother's perspectives shouldn't be the only reason to continue the conversation. The two should be talking simply because they're interested in what eachother thinks. Now that's a rare thing, don't you agree?

I laughed out loud at the spine xray
But yes, I see what you mean now. You could argue that simply wanting to see the others' perspective is only a way of gaining more information. But being interested in how the other feels just for the sake of understand how another feels comes from a deeper and more genuine interest for the person. Did I get it right?

Originally Posted by Ginsan

Did I get it right?

Yep.

Seriously though, I need someone in my life to show off with a spine xray.

You know, seeing genuinely kind, wise, intelligent people, much more so than I am, on Dreamviews somehow makes me feel less lonely. And there are a lot of those people in here. Maybe that's a hidden reason for me to make threads in Extended Discussion? I also felt less lonely yesterday after talking to the friend, perhaps because I partly felt this connection that you mentioned?

On a less silly note, exactly of what use is it to expose your spine xray?

Originally Posted by Ginsan

Maybe that's a hidden reason for me to make threads in Extended Discussion?

Yeah I think that could be true. For me too. I just asked myself why I'm doing a lot of online chatting and why I'm spending a huge amount of time asking answering in forums like DV. And I might be close to the answer right now. I agree, there are many intelligent, kind people here. And yes, I learn a lot but I just noticed the real reason of me being here or in internet in general is to show and get genuine interest from people. It helps with my loneliness.

Originally Posted by Ginsan

I also felt less lonely yesterday after talking to the friend, perhaps because I partly felt this connection that you mentioned?

I think so.

Originally Posted by Ginsan

On a less silly note, of what use is it to expose your spine xray?

I tend to think spine xrays make people appear more vulnerable than they are, and that makes it cool in a way. Just think of it. I would love to show it to people if I had one, and would love it if someone shared with me.

My best friend lives 12 hours away and I cannot hang out with any of my other "friends" because I am trying to remain sober and all anyone does in this town is get fucked up on drugs or alcohol. So, in my already difficult battle of being straightedge (I was pretty much addicted to doing drugs, dissociatives were what I longed for in particular, but in reality as long as I was something other than sober it didn't matter), I also have to remain completely alone just to deprive myself of any drug connections or additional temptations and situations in which I would slip up. The only thing that has really made me feel lonely is not being able to hang out with my best friend, whom I could be in the company of literally every day and never get in arguments or super bored. For a while the separation just from him was enough loneliness and was indeed enough to make me at least mildly depressed. However, I finally found a way to work past that.

The biggest problems I still have is crushing boredom which leads to a want to get fucked up on something. Then, stress and or ailments also put additional pressure on me to do drugs. To boot I like to fall into mental traps in which I go through circular thought patterns that in turn work me up and get me very angry, frustrated, or hopeless feeling. Apart from making a distinct and concerted effort to try and improve my mental state and how I view life (like trying to see a psychiatrist and actually opening myself up to taking new medications which I was opposed to before), I've also learned to stop ranting in my mind all the time and seemingly purposefully upsetting myself and making things worse. I catch myself a lot now because I've identified the warning signs of beginning to work myself up, or allowing myself to get upset over stupid, meaningless things that shouldn't bother anybody. Rather than wonder why I can't just never have those thoughts and feelings come up at all like I used to (basically I was like, what is wrong with me, why do I have to be this way, and blah blah taking dissociatives got rid of this i should go back to self-medicating or basically any excuse to take drugs again), I realize that they come up and fuel themselves because I habitually think and pattern my thoughts in such a manner. If I didn't start cussing people out every 5 seconds when getting behind the wheel or making fun of everyone I see in my mind the moment I see anybody, if I hadn't made such a steady habit of it in the first place, I wouldn't be thinking that way naturally. So, upon realizing I was the cause and it didn't have to do with drugs or it wasn't other peoples' fault, I was able to identify when I start behaving in ways I am fed up with and want to change, and then I talk myself down or stop myself as best as I can. There are several indicators it is about to happen or is in the middle of happening and it's up to me to mindfully change how I am behaving. When these thoughts and thought loops start to pop up, the best thing I can do is dismiss them like you dismiss noisy thoughts when you meditate--I acknowledge they were there and then simply let them go as they arise.

So, with my whole attitude and behavior changing, I went from feeling very lonely and upset all the time to being a mixture of bored and content. Now that I've played my cards right, I'm even talking to a girl and we've been going on some dates and stuff--something I haven't done in years. So, either now I am by myself outside of work, or with her. Either way, kinda works out for the best, because now am I not only off of drugs but since I don't hang out with a bunch of loser half-friends, I don't have to worry about her complaining about not spending enough time with her or something lol. Regardless of how you look at things though, my feelings and loneliness has all been a personal decision.

snoop, I felt slightly moved and inspired by your story And I hope that things remain well for you and your lover

Originally Posted by figurefly

I tend to think spine xrays make people appear more vulnerable than they are, and that makes it cool in a way. Just think of it. I would love to show it to people if I had one, and would love it if someone shared with me.

I see... xD It's funny that you care about spine xrays in particular to be reminded of people's vulnurabilities

(I don't think that that sentence was correct English but wth, you know? What the heck!)

snoop, I loved how you expressed yourself. Wishing the best for you.

Originally Posted by Ginsan

It's funny that you care about spine xrays in particular to be reminded of people's vulnurabilities

(I don't think that that sentence was correct English but wth, you know? What the heck!)

That sounded like perfect English to me. I hope it is because it really is.

And lady! Don't forget the (probably) lovely lady!

Originally Posted by Ginsan

And lady! Don't forget the (probably) lovely lady!

You're right. Wishing the best for you two.

And what about me? Nah I'm just kidding

For you too Ginsan, seriously You're great

I know I am... Heheheh and I'm gleeful about my arrogance

EDIT: "It's funny that you care about spine xrays in particular to be reminded of people's vulnurabilities." It's incorrect because I say "that you care about xrays to be reminded", but the thing you care about is xrays, and not "to be reminded". I could have said "It's funny that you care about spine xrays in particular if you're interested in being reminded of people's vulnurabilities". I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, but tell me if you really care about this I have to get ready to leave now.

Originally Posted by figurefly

That sounded like perfect English to me. I hope it is because it really is.

You should have said "I hope it is (perfect english) because it really did. (sound like perfect english)" Without the (), I only used those are to point out why you should have used "did" instead of "is".

Originally Posted by Ginsan

You should have said "I hope it is (perfect english) because it really did. (sound like perfect english)" Without the (), I only used those are to point out why you should have used "did" instead of "is".

No because that was not what I meant. "I hope it is because it really is." Means this: "I hope it sounded like perfect English to me because it really is perfectly correct and not because I suck at English."

Originally Posted by Ginsan

EDIT: "It's funny that you care about spine xrays in particular to be reminded of people's vulnurabilities." It's incorrect because I say "that you care about xrays to be reminded", but the thing you care about is xrays, and not "to be reminded". I could have said "It's funny that you care about spine xrays in particular if you're interested in being reminded of people's vulnurabilities". I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, but tell me if you really care about this I have to get ready to leave now.

That information is on the extreme side for my non-native brain to get. I'll think about it and will probably read it a few more times. That would be a great example for teachers to use in grammar lessons. Spine xrays reminding someone of people's vulnerabilities and that being funny...

Ohhh yes, now I see. After being quite confused and reading it a few times I finally got it. And about the second part, I apologise for being confusing in the first place and being too lazy to try and make more sense now.

And I like your new profile picture.. But I totally forgot what the previous one was o.0
EDIT: Was it something blue? xD

This person talks about pessimism and accepting the sad things in life and how it's actually a good thing. I found it extremely interesting and I won't be surprised if this significantly changes the I way I think about life and live it within the next few weeks.