Thread: The Dreamviews Survival Guide [read or die]

Just another kaniaz-funny-post-type-thing. Whatever. Just enjoy the...

The Dreamviews Survival Guide
by Professor Padfoot

If you intend to survive on Dreamviews, you need to know how to deal with different users from DV. At the end of the day you'll find some of them impossible to pass, but that dosen't matter. You can read this anyway.

TABLE OF CONTESTS!!!

1.0: Minor Enemies
1.1: Random, Faceless Newbie
1.2: The Invisiblish Man
1.3: Generally Irritating User-Like-Object
1.4: Welcomewhore

2.0: Medium Enemies
2.1: omgoffended
2.2: phihtolphical
2.3: psiphotical
2.4: mrunsure

3.0: Major Enemies
3.1: Truthbearer
3.2: Kaniaz
3.3: Paperdoll
3.4: Icedawg's Cronies

1.0: Minor Enemies
The minor enemies on Dreamviews are easily slain with a few choice words such as "STFU" or "fuck off." An novice to DV can easily fight off a few, and the most advanced forum-goers are able to slay them in their hundreds.

1.1: Random, Faceless Newbie

Every forum-goer has encountered at least one random, faceless newbie. Many professors have tried to discover the origination of these useless objects. They tend to not show any emotions and are rumored to be an offshoot of doormats. However, it is most likely that they sort of congealed behind some old woman's cooker, and ran away to Dreamviews to constantly annoy people with their whole "..." thing.

It is pointless to flame a random, faceless newbie because they've never posted, they have no profile, and as far as we are aware none of them have genders. They do however make really good coat holders and statues for your garden, and serve as excellent battering rams when you lose your forum password and have to force the doors down.

Some children like to throw bricks at their head and see what happens. They sort of snap in half and don't do anything, which leads us to believe they might actually be oddly shaped, solidifed noodles. It makes sense when you think about it without any logic whatsoever.

1.2: The Invisiblish Man

We have received much controvesory over this picture and wether or not there's actually an Invilisblish Man specimen in it. Now, trust me, there is. You just have to squint really hard, and if that dosen't work, take some LSD. You'll soon see things then.

The Invibilish Man is a sort of robot that makes one post about some generic question to do with LD'ing, the weather or the current state of political affairs in Japan, then disappears forever, hence the "invisiblish." I chose that name because I am professor padfoot, and admittely I'm quite intelligent for my age you know see. Grammar good too.

There isn't much else to say about these sort of robot things, other than they might be some sort of FBI agents. Perhaps it's got something to do with crop circles too.

1.3: Generally Irritating User-Like-Object

There are many variations of the generally irritating user-like-object. However, upon close observation by professor padfoot's assistants, they have discovered that they all tend to be generally irritating and are a bit user-like. They appear suddenly, contributing a small amount of information to the forum - mostly wrong - and the second an more experienced member challenges their "facts" they sort of hiss and degrade into a pile of ash.

I personally think they might be vampires. If you cross your eyes the second variation looks a bit like a sinister creature of the night. More often though, when I'm sober, it just looks like a black squiggle with a sort of loopy thing.

As far as we are aware, they don't have genders. There have been a few occasions where they give themselves genders, but no two have ever mated. I'm not sure how they'd do it, anyway. I reckon they're lying to look cool among us human beings.

1.4: Welcomewhore

Welcomewhores are pretty much post whores in disguise. Every post consists of "Welcome!" or "Hi!" or "Good luck!", or some other generic message. God forbid that they use an original one.

They have a tedency to make mistakes and welcome wrong people:

Paperdoll: And there I was, stand-
Welcomewhore: HI THERE! WELCOME!!!
Paperdoll: What?
Welcomewhore: STFU NOW THX
Paperdoll:
Welcomewhore: WTF U NOT LIKE WELCOME
Paperdoll: go away
Welcomewhore: NO I WILL NO- ok.

When confronted with their exuberant willingness to welcome everything under the sun to DV, including little flecks of dust and cockroaches, they invariably respond with:

Welcomewhore: What? NO I AM NOT A POSTWHORE! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! (continues forever...)

And continue saying "OMG!" before exploding into a million tiny peices, which really annoys the Dreamviews mods because they have to clean it all up before somebody trips up on the welcomewhore and hurts themself. This in turn annoys everybody else because they want to see somebody trip up so they can laugh at them.

2.0: Medium Enemies
The medium enemies tend to be much harder to destroy than minor enemies, and a few of the most experienced ones are impervious to being destroyed without the almighty adminstrator's hand of god coming down on them like leftover pizza found under the cooker (then eaten).

2.1: omgoffended

The omgoffendeds are are dying breed. Most forums usually suffer from chronic groups of "omgoffendeds," who basically take offense at every post made by anybody other than another one of their own species. However, DV seems to emit some sort of "piss off" pulse, which stops irritaitng people like this from staying for long. If they do, then the higher-ups just let Paperdoll out of her cage so she can maul them to death. If you comment on the weather, you are being offensive to clouds. If you comment on how nice the lady next door is, you are being offensive to her sense of being...rude...nevermind, it's just OFFENSIVE!.

The best combat against an omgoffended is to ignore it, or slap it over the head with a hammer. Either way is good, although the latter is quite messy. Groups of omgoffendeds are the worse, multiplying their power several times over that you'll need a staff of +5 sense to overcome them, espcially in Level 12 with the ogre in it.

2.2: phihtolphical

The phihtolphicals are probably the illegitmate children of Einstein, always battering down all members with their superior intelligence in all subjects. For example:

Guy: 1+1=2.
phihtolphical: Nope, because the cossine of the vector is actually three, therefore the above equation equals sixty-ten.
Guy: Uh, what?

They also end up contradicting themselves, getting lost in their own made-up-world:

Guy: 1+1=2
Guy 2: No, this other guy said it's actually sixty-ten.
phihtolphical: Nope, because the cossine of the vector is actually three, therefore the above equation equals two.
Guy: I'm confused and disoriented.
phihtolphical: my work here is done.

2.3: psiphotical

psiphotical's are usually bong smoking people that believe in whatever seems most plausible at the moment. The general trend seems to currently be that pigs actually do fly. phihtolphicals and psiphotical's clash like the high heavens, the former giving the latter some stick about how they ought to actually get some decent facts about their claims instead of sitting around smelling like marajuna. Of course, they're all too zoned out to hear the phitophicals, so it's all good (totalee).

For your amusement, here is a phihtophical kicking some psiphotical ass and totally ruining his shit:



Hahah! What? Me biased? Of course not! I'm the ever indifferent professor padfoot!

2.4: mrunsure

Mr. Unsure's tend to not decide on anything. They frequently infiruate everybody with their posts consisting almost solely of "hmm...yeah." - which dosen't help anybody and does a good job of making everybody want to tear their (mrunsure's) hair out. Their own hair is too pretty to tear out.

They can just about manage to decide how long to heat a microwavable pizza for, but it requires many hours of concentration and breathing techniques to acheive. Scientists believe some sort of genetic psychological mental block on being useful is in place in their brains.

What makes them such formidale foes is, even when you tell them to go away, they aren't sure if they are going to, and when you threaten to ban them, they aren't sure wether or not to feel threatened. Occasionaly they begin to be unsure about wether or not to exsist and promptly disappear in your face mid-conversation, which strikes most as a bit rude.

3.0: Major Enemies
The final category of enemies are the ones that you should quake in your boots about. Perhaps couple it with a healthy pants-wetting and you'll be in the right mood for these formidable foes. None have ever been defeated in battle.

3.1: Truthbearer


The Truthbearer is an aged, wisened master of Dreamviews. He has been raised in the way of the ninja, and is renowned for being an alleged member of the padfoot cult. The logs show that he has had some dealings with padfoot, but they were all of the "shut up" variety.

Only a few have dared to go up against the Truthbearer, and none of them have lived to tell the tale. We suspect cyanide poisioning.

3.2: Kaniaz

You knew I was going to do it.

Kaniaz is a fantastic sexy dude who will always smash you to peices with fantastic posts like this one. Now leave the master to work, infidel!

3.3: Paperdoll

Paperdoll is quite arguably the most extreme member on Dreamviews (totally). A simple gaze in any direction can raze a village to the ground in one fell swoop, and make the women scream "THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!". A wave of the hand makes the Earth crack in two (oidnest), and when she sits down, she sits down with extreme power. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

3.4: Icedawg's Cronies

When you insult the master (icedawg), you know you've just placed an seal on your life. They come at night. They always come at night. They are icedawg's cronies. You know when they have come. They wake you up with a shake. You know your time is up.

In short, don't insult the master.