Thread: Post a funny joke!

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street. She said, "Could you spare a couple of minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

I'm a fairly modern man - I've got no problem buying tampons. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'.

I live near a special needs school. There's a sign outside which says, "SLOW CHILDREN". I thought, that can't do much for their self-esteem. But look on the bright side: they can't read it.

All Jimmy Carr. Though the main reason I find these funny is the way he delivers them, which is quite difficult to express through text. So, meh.

A Catholic preist and a rabbi were walking through a park, when they saw in the distance a group of young boys.

The priest said, "Hey, let's go screw those boys."
To which the rabii replied, "Out of what?"

And another Jimmy Carr one to add to Sindяeds: "I have a mate called Shagger. Now you might think that's pretty cool, but she doesn't like it."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Originally Posted by Identity X

And another Jimmy Carr one to add to Sindяeds: "I have a mate called Shagger. Now you might think that's pretty cool, but she doesn't like it."

Haha.

Jimmy Carr ftw.

. . .

Nina's joke wins. The other's don't even come close to lasting 10 hours.


A 81 year old man goes to the doctor and asks for a sperm count. The doctor says, "What? Your 81 years old why do you want that?" The old man says, "Just humor me." So the doctor gives him a cup and tells him to bring it back the next day. The next day, the man shows up with an empty cup and the doctor says, "What happened? Why's it empty?" The old man says, "Well, I tried my left hand, tried my right hand, tried both hands, my wife tried her left hand, tried her right hand, tried both hands, the neighbor lady tried her right hand, tried her left hand, tried both hands, but we could not get the lid off this jar."

Arthritis.

I think this was Jimmy Carr... My wife was mad at me for not leaving the seat down on the toilet, so I put it down... there's no winning with her though, now it's all covered in piss.

What did the black kid get on his SATs?





















BBQ Sauce






*GASP* *RACISM!!!!*






Calm down, it's just a joke.

Originally Posted by Elis D.

What did the black kid get on his SATs?





















BBQ Sauce






*GASP* *RACISM!!!!*






Calm down, it's just a joke.

RACISM.

Originally Posted by Elis D.

What did the black kid get on his SATs?





















BBQ Sauce






*GASP* *RACISM!!!!*






Calm down, it's just a joke.

That's racist!

I'm a very bad lover, you know a caught a Peeping Tom booing me? - Rodney Dangerfield

A woman brings 8-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says: "Let's not be too harsh on them. They are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?!" Replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

---and---

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Fuck off! You won't bring it back."

---and finally---

"I'm a hunt saboteur. I go down the night before and shoot the fox." - Tim Vine.

Why do you do when you wake up in the middle of the night to see your lamp floating in the middle of your room?
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
Say, "Drop my lamp nigger"

OMFG. Not a racist joke. Just a joke.

Originally Posted by Siиdяed

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street. She said, "Could you spare a couple of minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

I'm a fairly modern man - I've got no problem buying tampons. But apparently they're not a 'proper present'.

I live near a special needs school. There's a sign outside which says, "SLOW CHILDREN". I thought, that can't do much for their self-esteem. But look on the bright side: they can't read it.

All Jimmy Carr. Though the main reason I find these funny is the way he delivers them, which is quite difficult to express through text. So, meh.

Jimmy Carr is awesome! He does have that way of expressing jokes. Have you ever seen 8 out of 10 cats?

Mmm. Sean Locke is by far the best panelist.

Racist jokes ftw. Not really. I'm not racist.

. . .

Originally Posted by Siиdяed

I'm not racist.

. . .

Hahah good one.

Originally Posted by jmp

OMFG. Not a racist joke. Just a joke.

Racist!

What do you call a xylophone without ears?

A hotdog!

You gotta admit you laughed though. Here's a really racist joke... sorry.

How does every n***** joke start? Like this *looks around*


Here's a humble joke from Eddie Murphy: A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit if it had trouble with shit sticking to his fur. The rabbit said no, so the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.


She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.


'Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?


'Morris Fishbien,' he replied.


'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?'


'For about 60 years.'


'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

'I pray for peace
between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.'

'I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.'I pray for all our
children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow
man.'



'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'








'Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall.'

I can smell the religious, white, and mexican jokes on the way....

A kola walks into a bar, k? So he sits down and orders a drink, and another guy comes and sits next to him. They get to talking, and the kola tells the guy that he was still a virgin. So the man says, "Well, there's a protitute over there *points*, that'll solve your problem!"

So the kola goes and gets laid. After they're finished, the kola goes to leave, and the hooker says, "Wait a sec, where's my money?" The kola asks, "What money" and the hooker gets out a dictionary, and looks up the word "Prostitute", it says "Someone who sexes for cash", so then the kola says, "Oh, ok" and he takes the dictionary, and flips to "Kola", it says "Eats bush and leaves"

Originally Posted by Grod

What do you call a xylophone without ears?

A hotdog!

OMFG BEST JOKE.

A guy was on a plane and a gorgeous woman sat next to him. He was nervous, but he started to talk to her. She gave her name and started small talk. He asked why she was traveling and she told him that she was giving a lecture about dealing nymphomania and sex addiction since she had struggled with that her whole life. He couldn't believe his luck.

He asked what her lecture included.

She told him that it dealt with sexual stereotypes and how they weren't true. She said that because she had been with so many men she knew about the real rules of sex.

She started with the example with the stereotype that black men have the biggest penises and she said that in fact native americans had the largest. Another common one was that the Italians were the best lovers when, in fact, Jewish men were the best.

"Any others?" he asked, blushing.

"Well, there's the stereotype that the Spanish have the most sexual stamina when it's actually the southern redneck." She suddenly blushed. "I can't believe I'm talking to you about this and I don't even know your name."

He cleared his throat and thought fast. "My name is Wandering Bear Greenstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Originally Posted by ninja9578

A guy was on a plane and a gorgeous woman sat next to him. He was nervous, but he started to talk to her. She gave her name and started small talk. He asked why she was traveling and she told him that she was giving a lecture about dealing nymphomania and sex addiction since she had struggled with that her whole life. He couldn't believe his luck.

He asked what her lecture included.

She told him that it dealt with sexual stereotypes and how they weren't true. She said that because she had been with so many men she knew about the real rules of sex.

She started with the example with the stereotype that black men have the biggest penises and she said that in fact native americans had the largest. Another common one was that the Italians were the best lovers when, in fact, Jewish men were the best.

"Any others?" he asked, blushing.

"Well, there's the stereotype that the Spanish have the most sexual stamina when it's actually the southern redneck." She suddenly blushed. "I can't believe I'm talking to you about this and I don't even know your name."

He cleared his throat and thought fast. "My name is Wandering Bear Greenstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Not cool! I had BFVPOEINO playing when I read that.

An Italian, a Black Guy and a Jew are in a hospital waiting for their wives to give birth. A doctor comes out and says "We have a slight problem. We mixed up the babies. We'll send each one of you in to pick out your baby."

The Italian goes in first and comes out with a Black baby.

The Black Guy says "What the fuck!!"

The Italian says "Hey! I aint gettin' stuck with no Jew!!"