Thread: Tell me about weird/funny things that teachers say

I was in biology last semester, and we were reviewing for a test I think. This dude asked if we could use the book while we reviewed, and the whole point was to see what we remembered.
The teacher replied: "That's just......gay"

The pause, the expression, it was hilarious.

My teacher would always say "many-a-time" and then anything

This is more anoying than anything. One of my teachers said when we were starting class a little late:

"you guys are wasting tax payer's money. You guys were off task for 15 seconds"

No joke, that was mostly paraphrasing, as she said that 2 years ago!

My Russian teacher (who was actually Russian with a very thick accent) said a lot of things that made me smile. One was that "Iv you don'd lige de langvage, de langvage von'd like you." Translation: If you don't like the language, the language won't like you. Another thing she would say constantly is "We are learning, we are all learning..." in a wonder-filled voice while making these grand gestures with her arms.

My econ teacher back in high school had a lot of funny ones...in regards to bullshitting your way through homework, he'd say stuff like "You can't polish a turd, guys" or "I can smell it like a fart in a car". He was awesome.

...And then there was my music teacher last semester. Oh God, was he funny. Total stoner old man. Here's a list of his awesomeness:

"Some girl told me I sounded like Forrest Gump once. So I punched her right in the gut."

"If I wound up in hell, I'd probably just look Satan in the eye and say 'Lay off, you monster dick!'"

"After that encounter, I slashed her tires. Wanted to make her wonder, was it me who did it, or was it...God, perhaps?"

One of my substitutes once said (recently) with an accent, Would someone like to voulonteer to piss out these papers??

"...that's as useless as tits on a bull"

Oh yeah, my Algebra teacher always says "now ask yourself, self..." like what would you do when... in the case of math.

When my brother was in computer apps, there was a disabled kid in a wheelchair and he started to leave, and the teacher said, "You can't just walk out of here!...(awkward silence)"

My chemistry teacher likes to tell the class the wrong answer, and then laugh at the people who listened to him.

"So to take ze inteygraal, we divide ze area under ze curve into rectangles, and we take the area of each of ze rectangles. And ze area of ze rectangle is the width times the hay."

"Abide by the KISS Principle. (Keep it simple, stupid.)"

band teacher I had sophomore year, for a quartet-
"I know you aren't all potheads...(looks at all of us, then starts laughing)...nawww, you are."
Greatest teacher ever...

oh man, in high school i had a substitute spanish teacher from amsterdam... "have you ever seen stoned sheep? they just walk to the bushes and eat them, you should see the eyes." guy didn't know shit about spanish.

OH MY GOD
In the 4th grade, we had a sub and he went
"CAN'T YOU GUYS STAY QUITE FOR A FUCKING FIVE MINUTES?!....fruken...uhm....i was diagnosed with an imaginary friend name fruken....hm" And the twat goes on about his imaginary friend and shti.... good timess

My algebra teacher said last year: "Yeah, we still haven't got the OGT results back yet. The state's about as efficient as a one-legged guy in an ass kicking competition."

My spanish teacher has a habit of making us translate ridiculous things to make the point stick. The latest: "I sprained my eyebrow."

My math teacher says things like divide 2 onto 4. onto?

Wow, weird, teachers that swear! I don't recall any of my teachers swearing!

Originally Posted by guitarboy

i was diagnosed with an imaginary friend

haha what.

My maths teacher would always say when we were doing a particular section of the course, "remember the roots are on the bottom of a tree".

Sounds weird huh? Can't be bothered explaining where that came from.

Originally Posted by slash112

My maths teacher would always say when we were doing a particular section of the course, "remember the roots are on the bottom of a tree".

Sounds weird huh? Can't be bothered explaining where that came from.

Weird that you mention that, that's what we're working on right now in algebra!

Our math teacher used to say "Two vectors are alike when they're alike". We called it "Jan's Law".

Also, a few years ago a class mate of mine told the male, middleaged teacher "Your hair looks very nice today", to which he answered "Hair? What hair?".

Originally Posted by lucidreamsavy

Weird that you mention that, that's what we're working on right now in algebra!

Haha, well I'm glad someone knows where I'm coming from.

There was tons of other shit she used to "help us remember". Can hardly remember any of them, 'twas a year ago.

My crazy-nutso history teacher:

He was comparing government to cakes, complete with pictures.

"So in this type of government, you have a layer cake, but it isn't really like a layer cake, or at least not like the one I drew on the board, because the cake I drew has three separate layers of equal size, and they should all really be different sizes. The point is, the layers are separate, and if you take a cut from the cake, you get three separate pieces of government. Of course, if they were all different sizes, then you may get a little bit of the lemon, and a big hunk of the blueberry, and a sliver of chocolate, or a big piece of chocolate and two smaller pieces of blueberry and lemon. Right...moving on, you can see the other type of government is illustrated by a marble cake-a cake in which all the different flavors are evenly distributed throughout the cake. Well, they aren't really evenly mixed, cuz' each flavor has to stay intact, but they all have to touch to illustrate how each flavor affects the other..."

He went on for quite a while explaining this cake analogy. Funniest thing I think I've ever heard...

Originally Posted by Mario92

My crazy-nutso history teacher:

He was comparing government to cakes, complete with pictures.

"So in this type of government, you have a layer cake, but it isn't really like a layer cake, or at least not like the one I drew on the board, because the cake I drew has three separate layers of equal size, and they should all really be different sizes. The point is, the layers are separate, and if you take a cut from the cake, you get three separate pieces of government. Of course, if they were all different sizes, then you may get a little bit of the lemon, and a big hunk of the blueberry, and a sliver of chocolate, or a big piece of chocolate and two smaller pieces of blueberry and lemon. Right...moving on, you can see the other type of government is illustrated by a marble cake-a cake in which all the different flavors are evenly distributed throughout the cake. Well, they aren't really evenly mixed, cuz' each flavor has to stay intact, but they all have to touch to illustrate how each flavor affects the other..."

He went on for quite a while explaining this cake analogy. Funniest thing I think I've ever heard...

OMG! Now I finally get to hear about your... government class teacher