Thread: tell me the funniest jokes you've ever heard

Why did the chicken cross the road?

..

..

To get to the other side!

Here's an awkward conversation with some of my friends:

2 of my friends (a guy and a girl) are talking about something during lunch hour. Apparently they were talking about English class. I didn't hear all of it, since I was getting food, but when I walked to claim my spot, I heard this sentence from the girl: "We should do it again tomorrow." I, in my immaturity, say that all I heard was the above sentence. She then responded "Yes, right in front of the English class!"

This guy who was in my math class last semester has a guy on his hockey teams whose brother's friend took shrooms with his other friend one day.
They saw a midget walking down the side walk and they're like, "Holy shit! A midget!" So they get a garbage bag and hide behind a bush, waiting for the midget to pass. When he passes, they put the bag over his head and tie him up inside the bag.
They take the midget in the bag to the police station and put him on the counter, "We've got a midget here!" The cops check him out and it turns out the midget was a wanted pedophile. They got $100, 000 in reward money.

Originally Posted by Kushna Mufeed

This guy who was in my math class last semester has a guy on his hockey teams whose brother's friend took shrooms with his other friend one day.
They saw a chicken walking down the side walk and they're like, "Holy shit! A chicken!" So they get a garbage bag and hide behind a bush, waiting for the chicken to pass. When it passes, they put the bag over its head and tie it up inside the bag.
They take the chicken in the bag to the police station and put him on the counter, "We've got a chicken here!" The cops check it out and it turns out the chicken wanted to get to the other side. They got $100, 000 in reward money.

That's one amazing story!

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately,he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother
is sleeping below so he tells
his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if
she wants a new position.
Lettuce!
Tomato!
Lettuce!
Tomato!
She screams.
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!
PULL IT OUT NOW!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my
face!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

...

Because it was dead.


Oh, that never gets old.

Bloke goes to the Doctor's and says "Doctor? My sex life with my wife is non-existent.. is there anything I can do to spice it up?"

The Doctor replies: "Yes! There's one thing you can do - go out on Friday night with the lads.. get absolutely rat-arse paralytic wankered.. (US trans.: very drunk).. stumble home at four o'clock in the morning.. tiptoe up the stairs..creep into the bedroom.. gently lift up the duvet, and go straight down on your wife! She'll love it!"

So.. that Friday night, he goes out with the lads, and gets absolutely rat-arse paralytic wankered.. he stumbles home at 4 in the morning, creeps up the stairs and tiptoes into the bedroom.. he lifts up the duvet and goes straight down on his wife, giving it all he can! But.. after about 20 minutes or so, he starts to get a bit of a dry mouth, so, he stops and goes out to the bathroom to get a drink.. but when he turns on the bathroom light, who should he see, fast asleep on the loo, but his wife! He says "Hey! Wake up! What's going on??!!"

.. and his wife replies: "SSSSHHHHHHH! Grandma's sleeping over tonight!"

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

...cause she had no arms.









Why did the little boy fall off his bicycle?

...cause someone threw a fridge at him.

Originally Posted by Oneiro

Bloke goes to the Doctor's and says "Doctor? My sex life with my wife is non-existent.. is there anything I can do to spice it up?"

The Doctor replies: "Yes! There's one thing you can do - go out on Friday night with the lads.. get absolutely rat-arse paralytic wankered.. (US trans.: very drunk).. stumble home at four o'clock in the morning.. tiptoe up the stairs..creep into the bedroom.. gently lift up the duvet, and go straight down on your wife! She'll love it!"

So.. that Friday night, he goes out with the lads, and gets absolutely rat-arse paralytic wankered.. he stumbles home at 4 in the morning, creeps up the stairs and tiptoes into the bedroom.. he lifts up the duvet and goes straight down on his wife, giving it all he can! But.. after about 20 minutes or so, he starts to get a bit of a dry mouth, so, he stops and goes out to the bathroom to get a drink.. but when he turns on the bathroom light, who should he see, fast asleep on the loo, but his wife! He says "Hey! Wake up! What's going on??!!"

.. and his wife replies: "SSSSHHHHHHH! Grandma's sleeping over tonight!"

I didn't throw up after that but I'm getting there...

Why couldn't billy ride his bicycle?

,,,

Because billy is a fish.

What do you call a black guy eating peanut butter?
His name, you racist idiot

Chuck Norris doesn't tea-bag women he potato-sacks them.

Originally Posted by Replicon

Why did the little boy fall off his bicycle?

...cause someone threw a fridge at him.

I don't get it.

Yes, it would seem reasonable that a refrigerator thrown into the path of his bicycle could upset him but I don't see what would be particularly hilarious about the prospect.

I once read an essay by a frenchman who supposed that there are two basic causes for humor -- ambiguity and reminders of mortality and the animal nature vs. humanity's spiritual pretentions.

Now, there is hardly anything ambiguous about a refrigerator being tossed in the way of a bicyclist. And, yes, although one might worry a bit about the boy's mortality, well, he had only fallen down, and with very little embarrassment to his spirituality.

Okay, so there's a Monk, Preist, and British guy...

Originally Posted by Seismosaur

Okay, so there's a Monk, Preist, and British guy...

And a Rabbi

Originally Posted by wasup

I don't get it.

Yes, it would seem reasonable that a refrigerator thrown into the path of his bicycle could upset him but I don't see what would be particularly hilarious about the prospect.

I once read an essay by a frenchman who supposed that there are two basic causes for humor -- ambiguity and reminders of mortality and the animal nature vs. humanity's spiritual pretentions.

Now, there is hardly anything ambiguous about a refrigerator being tossed in the way of a bicyclist. And, yes, although one might worry a bit about the boy's mortality, well, he had only fallen down, and with very little embarrassment to his spirituality.

LMAO. Haven't seen that post in a long time, haha.... I was about to go look for it myself after reading that joke, but you saved me the time. Nice one.

Johnny was tearfully digging a ground and the next door neighbour coming home from work saw Johnny and asked, "Hey, Johnny what are you doing there?"

and he replied, "I'm making a grave for my pet fish."
His neighbour said, "I'm sorry," Then he noticed Johnny was making a grave a bit bigger, he asked, "Isn't the grave a little too big for your fish?"
Johnny replied, "No, because he's inside your fucking cat."

what's worse than ten babies nailed to one tree?
.
.
.
one baby nailed to ten trees


that joke is so wrong, but I couldn't help it

An oldie for our UK viewers, that may fall completely flat in the US:

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre"..

So the barman gave her one..

Or.

A man walks into a bar and says 'ouch!'

Originally Posted by Replicon

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

...cause she had no arms.

No! The answer to that is 'because she was shot. Amy couldn't swim because she had no arms or legs.

Originally Posted by lagunagirl

what's worse than ten babies nailed to one tree?
.
.
.
one baby nailed to ten trees

Ah, the old sick baby jokes... they never grow old (no pun intended)...

Originally Posted by CoLd BlooDed

Or.

A man walks into a bar and says 'ouch!'

Cute.

What do you call a tomato without ears?

A teapot!

I'm gonna go ahead and get this one out of the way:

Wanna hear a joke?

Women's rights!!!

So I'm driving around in my car, and I come up to a stop sign. There's no one around, so I just kinda slow down, but don't come to a complete stop. I hear a siren, and it turns out the cops are behind me, and they ask me to pull over.

A cop gets out of the car and tells me he has to give me a ticket because I didn't stop at the stop sign. I tell him I did stop, but he says, "No, you just slowed down."

So I say,"Stop, slow down, there exactly the same!"

Then he pulls out his nightstick and starts beating me across the head with it. And then he says, "Now, do you want me to SLOW DOWN, or do you want me to stop?"