Corrupt a Witch!!!

**Siиdяed** · 12-28-2008 10:22 AM

Hey, guys, need some help. Something of a story required first, but please be patient.

So last summer I moved out to go live in an apartment up in New York, in Queens.

Life was going great. Met this cool guy across the hall, and we started hanging out together at the local coffee house.

Even went to some parties together. Shit was wild. (Long story, I know, but hold on).

Anyway, one day we went to this science fair where all these cool genetic experiments were going on. The sun was shining and it seemed a really great day out, when all of a sudden, this woman in a lab coat told us all that one of the test subjects had gotten loose!

Well, surprise surprise, I found it. :[

Anyway, I think I've told you guys this part of the story before. tl;dr, the spider turned out to be a really swell guy (general manager at the local Wal-Mart, those of you interested ;] ) and we ended up getting hitched up.

Not so good for him:

But great for him:

Anyhow, after getting married we went through some rough patches, but I really think we've worked it out now. Only thing is, I've started noticing some weird changes to my body that only seem to have come up since me and the spider...uh...you know.

Anyway, I realised I was starting to stick to walls and stuff. Plus my reactions went mental good, almost like I was aware of danger before it even happened. Kinda scary, but also kinda fun too, I guess.

I didn't tell the spider - he would only worry about me, and he has a lot on his plate with rumours of a big promotion coming up - but I asked my science geek friend to help me out and I built some web-shooters (pretty nifty, huh?):

After that I couldn't help but make a costume and try out my new skills in fighting crime in the city!

Things were looking swell. My life had taken an unexpected and exciting new turn, with a sweet marriage going on and a whole other life of glamorous superhero-action that took place while my spider husband was at work!

But then, this happened, as you may recall. :[

IKEA was some super-jerk superstore that completely ruined my spider's chances of promotion. The Wal-Mart he worked at went under thanks to the big new competition (this IKEA was branching out BIG-TIME, and soon everyone in Queens was shopping Swedish-style while my all-American spider's Wal-Mart was left in the cold like yesterday's jam).

Bad times. So maybe I thought I'd try and do something about it, you know? What with all my great new web-slinging powers and such. So I thought I'd try and 'influence' the corporate game.

Boy did I make a mistake. Before I knew it I was being bundled into a van of frozen meat-balls and shipped out to the Amazonian rainforest! Not only that, but those IKEA goons left me naked with only a spatula...

...four meringues...

...and 50 waterproof matches.

It was really cold and I was hungry and had no idea how to catch and eat a monkey.

Thankfully you guys helped me out (thanks!!! :] ) and I managed to survive on the monkey's carcass until rescue came.

So things are looking up, right? Wrong. Turns out that while I'd been gone, IKEA had burnt down my apartment, and were holding my spider husband hostage.

Here's the ransom photo they sent:

So yeah, I was pissed.

So here's where you come in. I got some spider-powers (wall-crawling, spidey senses, enhanced reflexes and strength...but no web-slingers, IKEA goons took those and I don't know where to find my science geek friend to make me new ones :[ ), I got a spider husband somewhere in the woods (???) to find and rescue, all the while escaping the clutches of the IKEA corporation and their goons...

What do I do? I'm making this post from a hotel in ******, can't stay long, IKEA will be onto me soon. I think they know about my crime-fighting alter-ego (Man-Spider), too. Will check up at the next internet pay-phone I find, wherever that may be. For now I'll keep moving.

Advice, plx.

Thread title unrelated.

**ClouD** · 12-28-2008 10:23 AM

\o/

**Siиdяed** · 12-28-2008 10:27 AM

No joke, need advice.

It's these glimpses into my life irl that make Senseless Banter worth being, and you all know it.

**ClouD** · 12-28-2008 10:42 AM

Ok, look around for anything that is cheap, made of wood, and looks like it came from a warehouse.

If there's anything you can see, it could already be too late.

**Siиdяed** · 12-28-2008 10:48 AM

Can see two clear options.

a) Find my spider. Somehow. Get him to safety before IKEA do anything to him.
B) Take the fight to IKEA. Have located their headquarters (Leiden, South Holland, The Netherlands), could take a plane there with funds I hid in city. Risk them hurting spider, but could remove head of snake, if you understand what I mean.

What I do? :/

**ClouD** · 12-28-2008 10:54 AM

Is he really worth it? :[

**Siиdяed** · 12-28-2008 10:55 AM

I gotta save my spider... ;_;

**no-Name** · 12-28-2008 11:21 AM

oh wow, epic applause.

I would pick A, theres no way you can stand up against all those IKEA goons with their plastic weapons and such.

**Siиdяed** · 12-28-2008 04:12 PM

Going with a). Not sure where to begin looking. IKEA haven't made any specific demands, so I think it's pretty safe to assume this is a trap. Hopefully I can get in and out of there with my spider fast enough not to spring it.

Even so I've got to find him first.

EDIT: Fuck...been approached by some guys. Turns out they know about IKEA's dodgy operations...say they want to help me. Think they know how to find the spider.

Don't know if I can trust them. Their leader is a jellyfish. Never sure where I am with jellyfish.

Still, if they can find my husband it might be worth trusting them...I don't know. Advice? Can I risk working with these guys? Not much chance finding my spider otherwise... :/

**slayer** · 12-28-2008 05:13 PM

What's in it for you?

**Siиdяed** · 12-29-2008 08:11 AM

...they might know where to find my spider? :/

Concentrate.

**Xox** · 12-29-2008 08:13 AM

I say B okay? ;___;

**Grod** · 12-29-2008 02:50 PM

Turn it into a stew, make sure to use plenty of salt.

**Amethyst Star** · 12-29-2008 03:08 PM

You're among trees, right? Hire some natives to whip up some IKEA look-alikes and hold them for ransom. IKEA wouldn't be happy with someone taking their furniture without paying for it, so they'd probably send someone to you. Lay a net down, capture him, and interrogate him as to the whereabouts of your spider husband. If he doesn't talk, give him to the Jellyfish. It will put the Cnidaria in your debt so that if you do end up working together, you'll have some leverage. Get a temp job at IKEA - too bad the holiday season is over - and gain access to restricted areas of the store. Slip letters into the pockets of the other employees, telling them the truth, but wear gloves so there are no fingerprints. Build the insurrection and slyly encourage the employees to unite on their own but deny any involvement in the movement.

If worse comes to worse, set a fire in the coffee table department (watch your shins on the way out) to distract most of the employees and get the customers out. Release a swarm of lab rats should the hysteria begin to die down. Search for your love during the confusion.

My sympathies go out to you. Destroy the murderers of love and win back your woman!

**Siиdяed** · 12-30-2008 05:39 AM

Originally Posted by Amethyst Star

You're among trees, right? Hire some natives to whip up some IKEA look-alikes and hold them for ransom. IKEA wouldn't be happy with someone taking their furniture without paying for it, so they'd probably send someone to you. Lay a net down, capture him, and interrogate him as to the whereabouts of your spider husband. If he doesn't talk, give him to the Jellyfish. It will put the Cnidaria in your debt so that if you do end up working together, you'll have some leverage.

Actually might try this. Wish me luck.

**Dizko** · 12-30-2008 05:12 PM

**big dreams** · 12-08-2009 04:54 PM

OMG.............you are weird............... but i like weird.......love yr SOH Sindred

**Jesus of Suburbia** · 12-08-2009 05:24 PM

Find Osama, hire him, have him plant bombs in all the IKEAs world-wide.

**Siиdяed** · 12-08-2009 06:40 PM

Wat.

**Jesus of Suburbia** · 12-09-2009 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by Siиdяed

Wat.

Find Osama, hire him, have him plant bombs in all the IKEAs world-wide.
That's what.

**Odd_Nonposter** · 12-09-2009 04:42 PM

Originally Posted by Siиdяed

spiders and IKEA and shit

Cool story, bra.

**Invader** · 12-09-2009 04:45 PM

Jellyfish are not to be trusted.

If you do travel into Northern Europe, ask around for a Raven Leader named
Nethorian, he is wise beyond his years and may be able to aid you.

**Jesus of Suburbia** · 12-10-2009 05:50 PM

Originally Posted by Invader

Jellyfish are not to be trusted.

If you do travel into Northern Europe, ask around for a Raven Leader named
Nethorian, he is wise beyond his years and may be able to aid you.

:O The Ravens are the sworn enemy of my tribe >_< the Raven leader cannot be trusted, Sindred!! Instead, you must go to the smallest village in France and ask around for the Crow's leader named Muret. He is wiser than Nethorian and will be able to aid you and he will also give you $10,000 in any currency of your choosing. you may or may not be given a chance to join the Crow tribe and I suggest you take it.

**Siиdяed** · 12-10-2009 08:43 PM

Guys, chill.

The IKEA thing was some time back. Me and my spider are back together now. It turned out the IKEA deal was just an allegory for our own relationship problems, but we talked through them and are better than ever now.

(It's his sister, before you worry ;] )

I mean, we have our ups and down. Our little spats.

But hell, who doesn't? If you're after something of a news update from the family, we moved to nice place out in the countryside.

Somewhere peaceful and quiet, where I could practise my knitting and he could open a quaint, village pub like he always wanted.

It's good to be out of the city. I'm not racist, but you do get nervous raising a family in a jellyfish neighbourhood. I'm sure it isn't all of them, but they do seem to stay up all sorts of hours playing their music, and I don't even want to think about the gang conflicts.

So that's my story. Boy meets spider. To put it more simply.

**big dreams** · 12-11-2009 11:29 AM

Nice pics s

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