Ok, Here it goes.

**Nothing** · 06-08-2009 06:05 AM

I'm going to try and explain some things that make me think I have High Functioning Autism...

I don't know where to start so i'll just dive right in:

I find it quite hard to explain things, so people often think i'm lying. When I think that people think i'm lying, I can't help but act suspicious.

I have synesthesa - (not sure what the specific names are, but I see sounds, hear shapes, each letter of the alphabet looks and acts differently, I can see my pain etc etc etc)

I can't speak ot people - my mind goes blank, my heart beats really fast, I get extremely anxious and uncomfortable. I feel like I fo on overdrive and theres too much going on in my head. This makes me unable to concentrate on what they are actually saying

I can't cope without my routine - this is why i hate sleeping at my friends house - I feel like there's something missing.

I swear - this is not a lie, I actually cycled home over 2 miles at 3 o'clock in the morning so I could do the steps I do every night.

Lotttts of people think i'm really wierd - i walk around with my head down and don't speak

I get pretty upset because i can't express myself. People say 'Hi' to me, but I don't know what to do back - I stutter and mumble and repeat the situation over and over again for about 10 minutes.

People think i'm really mean and angry all the time, because i don't talk much

People are constantly telling me to smile

I walk around feeling like i'm grey

I CONSTANTLY get deja vu, and I can lucid dream pretty much any night that I go to bed thinking 'I could do with a lucid dream'

My mum used ot think I was autistic because of my art and natrually play guitar and piano.(I learned 'Top of The Morning' by Mike Oldfield in roughly 3 minutes when I was 13)

She also thought I was autistic when I was really young - because of the way I acted at certain times.

I constantly feel like dissolving into thin air, I get so upset and angry with myself because i can't express the way i'm feeling.

I can't walk in a straight line when I know someone is watching. Thats why (I've said this before) I'm never picked for the teams at all in P.E, when really, I am pretty good at sports.

When i'm around people, I honestly feel like my body has been numbed, like my face is being pushed down and I can't speak properly.

I wait at the bus stop, sometimes shaking, extremely anxious about what to say to the bus driver. I get on the bus and completely screw my words up and end up mumbling.

Whenever I'm at parties (being forced to go) I literally sit in the same place the whole time, everybody around me jumping up and down laughing, shouting, but i'm sat there with the world spinning around me - I feel like everybody is watching me, making fun of me, and i feel like melting into the chair.

I analyise EVERYTHING i see

I catagorise everything

I have stacks and stacks of pictures and notes, allover the place.

I have a couple of journals PACKEd with them too - catagorised.

I like to know every single deatil about everything - I get reaallly obsessed

I can't make eye contact at all - I panick etc etc, and people always think i'm lying.

Only 4 people in the world know the true side of me - Happy, outgoing, etc etc

When i'm not around these people - I swear, it's like a switch, I'm the nervousk, anxious wreck.

I barely have any girlfriends ever, i've had like 2 or 3. I'll never get a true girlfriend though, because i'm waiting to find someone who understands, and that will never happen

I bottle up all my anger - i feel like i'm going to explode CONSTANTLY

I absolutely lovvve animals, art, and music.

I feel like i'm trapped inside a cage - inside me

There is SO much more that I could rant on for hours on end, but I don't want to bore you anymore.

No matter how much I explain myself, I still feel like I havn't said enough.

Thankyou!

**Merlock** · 06-08-2009 08:38 AM

I'd say this thread belongs in Help!, but you aren't asking for advice.
You're trying to diagnose yourself, which is never a good idea.
That other thread of yours does belong in Help! though.

So I figure...this should be merged into that thread and then moved.
Well, I assume, at least.
I hold no sway over the almighty mods. Or do I...?

No, I really don't.

**grasshoppa** · 06-08-2009 11:40 AM

You see what the amazonian shamans see without taking hallucinegic drugs. They sing songs that sound weird, but thats because they are meant to look a certian way.

Can you tell me what AUM looks like? Try dragging it out like the monks.

Then try the 6 healing sounds XU(pronouced Shew) HO(prounced Hoe) FU(pronounced who) XI (Seee) Chu (chew) Hei(hey)

just for an experiment...synesthesa is extremely uniquee

**Zhaylin** · 06-08-2009 05:13 PM

You sound extremely awesome and incredibly interesting. Thank you for explaining what Synesthesa is. You are blessed- but I can readily see how you would percieve the abilities you mentioned as curses.

Do you see a doctor regularly? How about a psychiatrist? Do you take any meds or undergo counseling? In my humble opinion, you could probably benefit greatly from both.
How old are you again? 15 was it?
Do you live in a tiny town or a city? Perhaps you could find a support group with other people who share your unique traits? You wouldn't feel quite so alone and perhaps other who have coped longer could share some of their methods with you?
If you live in a small town or transportation isn't really possible, seach the web. Cyberspace isn't perfect, but at least you may be able to connect with others.

A lot of what you described sounds painfully like OCD and social/generalized anxiety disorder. That's where I think medication could help you along with counseling.
Exposure should help regarding some of those issues in and of themselves, but I don't know if they can be treated independently if you have autism or something similar/part of a spectrum. Again, that's where a psychiatrist could help you immensely.

and thanks for sharing all of this with us.

**Nothing** · 06-08-2009 06:13 PM

Hey Zhaylin

Yesss - 15

I've never been to a doctor or anyone else about this... But I know how hard it will be for me to do that. Just thinking about sitting in a room with only one other person makes me feel awkward...

I don't know what else to say

(And by the way - I'm really sorry about the spelling mistakes in the original, it was written at my school lunch time and I was pretty late. (I go home because I don't fit in))

**Keresztanya** · 06-08-2009 06:48 PM

Please don't try and self-diagnose autism. I would recommend talking to a therapist or conselor about it, they can be very helpful. You might just be going through a troublesome time in your life, not necissarily a mental disorder.

Originally Posted by Nothing

I barely have any girlfriends ever, i've had like 2 or 3. I'll never get a true girlfriend though, because i'm waiting to find someone who understands, and that will never happen

I wouldn't really worry about that, I've never had a girlfriend.

**DarkLucideity** · 06-08-2009 08:00 PM

What is it and where is it going? To senseless banter? But that's here. Where this thread is. But seeing how serious it is, that doesn't make sense. Ah. Now it makes perfect sense. But wait, then it doesn't make sense. But then it does. Fuck. *shoots self*

Thread: Ok, Here it goes.

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