Thread: God is mocked!

Jesus Saves!



Moses gets the rebound, he goes up, he shoots... HE SCORES!!!

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Jesus Saves Sinners!

AND REDEEMS THEM FOR VALUABLE CASH PRIZES!

LMAO at the first one, spooner -- but I don't get the second one...:sweat1:

Ahh... its a maths joke. A maths religion joke.... I guess I'm a huge nerd.

Jesus told lots of parables, an equation in the form of y = ax^2 + bx + c is a parabola. And I didn't write it in that form did I whoops.

Another:

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a picture.

They ARE humorous. It's just the idea of mocking the sentiment connected to religious beliefs about Jesus that strikes a negative chord. It depends on how devoted one feels to that belief that determines their reaction to certain jokes.

Everyone's got those touchy points, right?

this one is funny:

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

Classic, spaz-kun.

Here's another oldie but goodie:

A man was being pursued by a roaring, hungry lion. Feeling the beast's hot breath on his neck and knowing his time was short, he prayed as he ran. He cried out in desperation, "O Lord, please make this lion a Christian." Within seconds, the frightened man became aware the lion had stopped the chase. When he looked behind him, he found the lion kneeling, lips moving in obvious prayer. Greatly relieved at this turn of events--and desirous of joining the lion in meditation, he approached the king of the jungle. When was near enough, he heard the lion prayer, "And bless, O Lord, this food that I am about to receive..."

...and a rare variant:

A Jew is camping in the woods, when he notices a bear 60 feet away. Just as he notices the bear, the bear notices him. The Jew starts running; the bear follows. He runs as fast as he can, but when he looks back next time, he sees the bear is only 40 feet away. He pushes herself even harder, running and running. The bear is still gaining--only 20 feet to go. He starts running even harder, but the bear is still catching up with him! When he can't even run anymore, he stops and says a silent prayer to God, "Please, God, let that be a good Jewish bear!" From less than 10 feet away, he hears the bear mumbling in Hebrew. He is just about to say a prayer of thanksgiving to God when he catches the end of the bear's mumblings, "...ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz."

I don't mock Christianity because I hate all Christians. I don't. I have just gotten frustrated with how I have opened my mind way up to Christianity for the first time in a very long time by asking questions on this web site, giving the preachy ones a golden opportunity to understand why I am an atheist and to explain where they think I have made a miscalculation. But what have I gotten for this? A bunch of repeated and repeated again evasions of my questions, plus extremely arrogant rudeness. The result is that my quest for understanding now has a taunt element to it. The real Christians will take a moment to understand where I am coming from, believe that their God is love itself and far above being offended, and have enough faith in their belief to not take my jokes too seriously. The ones who get offended are therefore inherently the ones who deserve it. Here are some more...

Why can't Jesus swim?
There are holes in his hands.

Why do women love Jesus?
Because he's hung like this... [my arms spread out]

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher host a charity benefit, under the slogan "Give money to God." After the benefit, the three of them meet and discuss how the money should be distributed. They take into account that they hosted the benefit and should be paid some of the money. The priest says, "Let's take one dollar each for every ten and give the other seven to God by giving it to charity." The rabbi says, "Let's give half of what we raised to God, in the form of charity, and keep the other half for ourselves." The Baptist preacher says, "Let's throw the money up in the air, and what God wants, he keeps."

Awaken was visiting Louisiana when hurricane Katrinia hit. As such, he finds himself praying from a rooftop as the floods rise.

Along comes a Hummer. The man calls out to him to climb aboard. But he replies "No! God will save me!"

The waters continue to rise, and along comes an airboat. The would-be rescuer calls out to him to climb aboard. But he replies: "No! God will save me!"

The waters continue to rise, and along comes a barge. The man calls out to him to climb aboard. But he replies: "No! God will save me!"

Finally, he's up to his neck in water. A Coastguard helicopter flies over him and lowers a rope. He turns away shouting "No! God will save me!"

So, predictably, he drowns. He finally meets his god, and says "God, I've always been faithful. Why didn't you save me?"

To which god replies: "Shit, you moron; I sent a hummer, two boats, and a helicoptor! What the hell else could I do?!?!?!"

Kim, is that story from Suze Orman's the Laws of Money and Lessons of Life???

She pilfered it too. I remember hearing it first in third or fourth grade.

Of course, it's been made topical (as any decent story-teller will) by attributing it to current events, and its topical nature (and irony) has been increased by using it to proverbially crucify someone well-known in the group to which it's told. (not to mention someone seriously needing said crucifiction...)

Another version of the story was on an episode of the West Wing. Some Catholic priest was letting President Bartlett have it. Boy I bet that scared a lot of Protestant conservatives.