What I don't understand is how this all ties together, or if it doesn't, or if I am missing something, or if there is simply nothing to get.
It feels like a mishmash of every retarded fanboy driven RPG I've ever played to the point that every time I see a Kingdom Hearts
reference I think of you. This is not to offend you in any way or bring you down, just simply that the sense of awkward wandering
has left me a self-obsessed compulsive with diminished social skills and no concept of a healthy outlook on life. That, of course,
is entirely my fault, but I've been given an opportunity to vent and so I shall.
Through the miles of philosophical, religious, and outright nonsense texts I have poured into my brain I have come to the
conclusion that EVERYTHING in life is my own doing, my own decision, my own outward manifestation of an inward desire. I knew
all of this already, but some part of that manifestation seemed fit to comically thrust a copy of The Secret in my hands just so I can
feel as though I RUINED the secret instead of enjoying it in some relatable fashion at the end of the boss battle and dramatic
cutscene. If this seems like a rehash of one of my earlier emails then I will attempt to sum up the issues I am having:
1: Everything is everything which is nothing. You/me/she/it/that are all intangible words interchanged to form language. I'm stuck in
that thought pattern and have been for some time. Nobody can be bothered to get me out of it because its circular repetitive
redundant craziness that I've inflicted on myself since junior-high. God-complex, if God were a loner and a nerd because he felt he
deserved it and created a world around his own self-loathing and rolled around in it for years at a time beating himself up because
Adam and Lilith didn't work out and he had to bring in Eve to tie together a species.
2: This one is convoluted, so you can skip to #3 if you wish and probably nothing will be lost--
2a: You realize this and are attempting to rectify the situation by existing as an otherworldly figure in a sea of shit-madness in an
attempt to save/love/distract me long enough for me to find true happiness and be at peace with the world.
2b: You realize this and are here to distract me long enough for me to wander into neverending doom.
2c: You don't realize this and are part of the construct, inevitably bringing in 2a or 2b by default.
2d: You don't realize this because it is all in my mind and you are acting of your own human volition for reasons I can't begin to
comprehend or even sum up in an email as long as this.
3: If I admit to being able to alter the world around me through sheer force of will it would destroy the severely unrealistic sense of
balance I've maintained through what are actually catastrophic waves of life, in which I almost always drown, I will lose such grip
and be sent back to square one or simply move on: I don't know which it is.
From where I sit, and how I experience things, and what my mind has become, I get the distinct impression that this will go on
indefinitely, forever, with or without your participation. What I do, why I email, or why I talk to anyone at all seems to be an attempt
to create some sort of entertainment value. Suffice to say I hold your attention simply so that you have something to pay attention
to. This process, with the calling and seeing, is ultimately something I can't create (and not just because I don't have long-distance
calling); the rate at which my mind tries to overstand everything is progressing to a point where I know that things will have to be
good, pure, and true for me to believe it, not that I know these things very well.
This is all because, well, I didn't see fit to just try and atone for a self-life squandered. I saw fit to take in all thing and be one with
it. The impression I get is that everyone who does so becomes either the anti-hero or ridiculously evil. I am insanely average
(something you never seemed to notice which you could apply all of section 2 to). From that standpoint the only future I see for
myself is one filled with self-loathing, moping, and the occasional meditation-induced trance/seizure which is a cross between
martial arts and step-aerobics while my mind attempts to connect to a being living in the center of the Earth which may or may not
be there at all but they show me how to do the crazy arm-wavy thing I do anyway. When I dream, I dream of you, and a hundred
different lives together, and I wake up alone and a bit ashamed. I do it anyway. That seems to be a common theme now.
So, now I'm just ranting and raving, trying to make waves in a system I may have created for myself, and the only thing that will
hold me back from true omnipotence is the knowledge that it would all become meaningless in the end--that and You. People
a God, and he is way more powerful and cool than I am, and so I'm sitting behind a monitor at 2:00 in the morning typing this
instead. It all feels like a sham, and my son makes me forget that feeling. So, for now, I get to spend a lot of time with a kid that
looks an awful lot like me when I was a baby and vaguely notice how many traits of my father I have taken on and watch and wait
to see what happens to him that fucks him up so bad so that I know why I'm so fucked only to find that even when I do everything
right and he becomes fucked up (or not) that nothing bad ever really happened to me and I am this way through self-power, or
God, or the universe, or that I just can't blame what I have done to my mind, and the world, on anything at all, not even myself.
My advice: go out, find happiness, look back on the happy little things when you have a moment to kill between vanpooling or
bathing your kids or whatever, and never worry about it. But if I'm right about any of it, you'll probably be boomeranged out into
the world and eventually end up right back here simply because I can't find it in myself to change those simple desires in me.
But, yeah, be safe out there. I know this was not of much use because I already know the answer to #2, but I'll never know if
you do, so I don't want to ruin it. Take care.
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