Thread: Rant and Rave, Cry and Complain

A mix of rants and raves~
Almost two years after having dropped out of school, I went back this week. I tried self-studying at home last year and managed to scrape through exams but overall it wasn’t working for me, I had no support and was not getting any better at learning to interact with people, which I’m really going to have to be able to do eventually. Besides this I ended up losing all motivation again, getting really sick of the loneliness and self-hatred and having nothing to do to the point where I spent weeks, then months curled up in a corner of my room with the curtains always drawn and crying most of the time.

I’m glad to finally be doing something, trying to improve things instead of hiding from and avoiding everything as much as possible, and though I remember vowing at some point that I would never go back, no matter what, I think it’s the right thing to be doing now. Things have been surprisingly okay and I might even get through the year without half-destroying myself this time. The rant is that I still don’t know how to actually socialize with people, and though I’m prepared to try now my social skills are honestly so terrible that I’m probably going to end up making a mess of things before improving.

A lesser rant is period pain, and that I expected to sleep well tonight due to not having classes this morning, but instead woke up hours too early and couldn’t get back to sleep.

Besides that, that I don’t use this website enough xP I look at these forums almost daily and so feel really familiar with them despite barely having any posts; I'm also subscribed to this thread, so I end up skimming it fairly frequently but never posting. Perhaps I’ll start doing so now. It’s a good place to let things out.

Originally Posted by Dianeva

I haven't posted here in a long time, ....

Was so confused how the repair guy even got in. Then I remember hearing Canadians don't lock their doors. That's totally true isn't it? xD


No major rant today. I was kinda pissed off coz the Kava pills didn't do shit. I then found some extract in a herb shop, beautiful hippy lady says "that's an extract yeah? really potent, 1 teaspoon is enough".
Didn't do shit.
I then remembered I already bought some years ago. Sitting in my drawer. Seems to be working well, as it's actual ground root from Samoa, instead of bullshit extract.
Hopefully this gets me through the presentation.

I can't tell if this is a good or a bad thing...
All that tension and stress I've given myself about wanting to be productive, wanting to produce music and get better at drawing. I've just dropped it. I don't know how I managed to do it, but I don't care anymore. I immediately ordered a PlayStation 4 online and now I'm blissfully gaming instead of surfing around forums (with some productive program open in the background) while beating myself up over not getting anything done. Maybe I can relax some more now. But on the flipside, now I really won't get anything done. Or maybe that's the wrong way to look at it? Perhaps it'll be more likely for me to actually willingly flow with inspiration once it comes? Maybe trying to force productivity could halt it, making this way much better?

Who knows, who cares, I'm just gonna play some video games.
Maybe I just got pushed over the edge. For a long while, my stress levels have just been rising slowly while I had my job. I asked my boss for fewer hours, and we'll work something out after next week. Sounds good to me. Suppose I'll just hold on until then. There's also the problem that I know that I can't stay here forever; but at the same time I have no clue how or when to quit, or what to do instead. This was something that up until a few days ago would worry me endlessly. This "I don't care anymore" attitude covers quite a wide area, apparently.

Originally Posted by tommo

Was so confused how the repair guy even got in. Then I remember hearing Canadians don't lock their doors. That's totally true isn't it? xD

no, lol. He's with the rental company so they gave him a key.

everyone

My rant is only that my stomach isn't happy about the turkey sandwich I ate. I love mayo but mayo does not love me lol
Been nice and quiet these last couple of days. Had a happy dream about my youngest daughter a couple of times, which was really nice.

Guess who's shamelessly back on DV two weeks after leaving?

Originally Posted by Anju

Guess who's shamelessly back on DV two weeks after leaving?

Is it me? :0

Originally Posted by Anju

Guess who's shamelessly back on DV two weeks after leaving?

First step..Now get back over to TOTM where you belong..We missed you..

Originally Posted by Anju

Guess who's shamelessly back on DV two weeks after leaving?

Yay! Glad to see you again. Hope all is well.

It's been a good Saturday. I worked just 4 hours over night, then went out to pick up some new bulbs for my car since the one headlight died a few days ago. I replaced them in the morning, but I'll probably go grocery shopping tonight so I'm actually excited to see how bright they are (I get excited over stupid things). The ones I had in before kinda sucked, and since I do a lot of nighttime driving I got some brighter ones. I'll probably get a lot of people flashing their high beams at me, but oh well.

Then around 10am I went out to the record shop to pick up two albums (one I ordered a while ago finally arrived). Stopped for a case of beer on the way home only to find an album I pre-ordered a few months back sitting at my doorstep. All of them are doom/metal albums. It may be needless to say, but my neighbors probably hate me right now. But I'm two beers deep and a happy camper. I'm debating cracking open a third (they're 8%... so yes, I'm a lightweight, but not THAT bad) or just going to bed.

So happy to see you back, Anju I hope life is treating you better!

Grats on having such a wonderful day, Sefalik. I get excited about "silly" stuff too. Nothing wrong with appreciating the smaller things in life

My first rant is that I have a bug bite on the top of my foot that's driving me batty. Second... *sigh* I need to have another sleep study done but I don't see it happening any time soon. I've woken up several nights in a row feeling dizzy and nauseous. I was ranting about it with myself earlier "How can you feel dizzy if you're laying down and not doing anything." lack of oxygen would do that No doubt, my sleep apnea is much worse. I may have to start using a machine like my mom does.
I slept from 1AM-8AM, then turned around and slept from 1PM-6:30 I could still go back to bed.

BUT, I have to go to the store in a little while...

I hate Random Image thread because there's so much on every page that it crashes my browser every time.

Then I have to use the "quick" reply button fifty million times trying to post.

I think I've only ever been successful at posting there one time out of probably fifty, because it takes so long that the picture I wanted to post doesn't even seem interesting anymore so I just give up.

Fuck it, I'll post them here because at least this thread is loadable.

Spoiler for black and white:

Oh yeah, and fuck going out to bars.
Last night I fell TWICE, lost my ENTIRE wallet, AND two packs of cigarettes.
One had almost a full joint in it, too! >_<

A rave from an overly-awed vasiona-

For the past two nights I've had especially vivid, intense lucid dreams, the kind that make you really wonder at the nature of what one experiences in the moment, both in dreaming and waking life. In fact the dreams have felt so realistic that when I wake up, my view towards my life is quite different to the way it was when I went to sleep, as it feels as though I lived an entirely other one in-between (and surely there must be some others here who know the kind of thing I am talking about c: ) Perhaps I'm too easily amazed but this kind of shifting of experience fills me with a most incredible sense of awe. Kind of as though my entire life has been but theory and I've just now woken into full reality, and I want to learn and experience all I can, to touch and inspect and taste and smell everything like a small child wondering at its own ability to sense, to communicate, to even find this sort of awe and be able to put it into words, or at least to trace the vague shapes of it. I guess everyone has those moments of wondering at how incredible, how complex simple existence is, and the scale of themselves in both size and time relative to everything else; only a lot of people seem to not like to think about it, to push it away as quickly as possible. While I kind of understand that, nothing compares to the sense of wonder I find in the contemplation of it. Stare long enough at the strange, constant flow of life and you might fall into a place where the simplest things are the most amazing and everything is of interest, all is fascinating and each thing ties into every other. If only there wasn't so much pain and suffering, and problems in life didn't have such a tendency to absorb and distract, confuse and numb

I really hope that others are having a good day, and that it might improve for those for whom it didn't start so well.

I had an amazing weekend in a cabin in the woods. There was literally no one in even viewing distance of us, we grilled steaks, I took naps, and I read a ton.

Would definitely do it again.

Nice pics, Acatalephobic. I especially like the last one

I am jealous of both Tiresias and Vasiona. Sounds amazing. I've not had a great dream in a long time... and I can't recall the last time I went camping.

My rant is that I'm highly fatigued. Blec. And I miss Minecraft lol... and I want to clean my room but organization seems to be an impossible task.
A rave is that I crocheted 2 more storage bags to hang on my walls... plus I picked up 2 shelves from Goodwill last week and I finally know where I'm going to put them. I just need to wait a bit longer until after shopping. I need to buy a hammer
I'm also going to buy a Dollar Tree dry/erase board and a push light so I can start tallying my nightly wakings: Tossing; Reflux; Dizzy; Aches; Dreams. Dreams woke me up 3 times last night and aches woke me once... that I recall. Once I start tallying, I'll get a better idea about the quality of my sleep.

Oh yes... another rant is that I desperately want a cigarette I've been staying strong so far though.

**EDIT**
First night using my sleep board... from around 3-8AM, I woke 6 times from tossing and turning; once from pain and twice from dreams. I was able to fall asleep immediately after making my mark. Not bad. Let's see how long I can do this lol

Ugh... at least 8 times waking because of tossing and turning from 4-8AM. Gah!
Another rant is that my finger's still healing from that deep abrasion I got from weeding. It's been interesting watching it heal, but now it's finally itching That's also a rave because I know it's healing is almost complete

I have to take my daughter and her girl to the ER. They're complaining of a swollen abdomen and the other, an extremely sore foot. In truth, they stayed up too late and don't want to go to work. So they're going to wrack up hundreds of dollars of debt to get out of working for 1/2 a day? I don't know, maybe they aren't well. I'm a pessimist about people's motives for going to the ER. Unless you're bleeding out, broken or otherwise dying, you'd go to the walk-in clinic. But they sniff out BS better and the ER HAS to see you. Oh well. It's their jobs and their finances but I am not sitting around waiting for them. They can call me when they need picked back up. Yeah, neither of them having a working cellphone but they can figure something out.

They moved my Dad to the Cleveland Clinic today.

He's had an NG tube in for two days but the fluid hasn't stopped. The tumour is what's causing the blockage (I assume) so they will likely have to perform surgery. The cardiologist seems optimistic about his heart being able to handle it though, so that's the good news.

He already had an appointment scheduled in Cleveland this week to meet with a specialist and discuss surgery, but since he was hospitalized Monday I know the urgency is even greater now. My sister says it might be a blessing in disguise in that it could speed up the process to getting surgery.

I know the Cleveland Clinic provides some of the best care in the country, so I am grateful he is able to be treated there. But it's hard not being able to be there for him because it's so far away. He hates hospitals, so I know he likes the company. At least my sister is there today.

But I wish she'd email me and let me know what's happening.

I just keep praying, staying optimistic about things the best I can. But it isn't easy trying to focus on work and day to day stuff with all this going on.

@ Zhaylin and acatalephobic: Sounds rough, hope your guys' loved ones get better. =/

Acatalephobic. I hope your dad's surgery goes excellently and that he gets better quickly.

Thanks Gavin. Paula (daughters fiancee) actually did injure her foot somehow. The ER gave her crutches and a boot for her foot. It's a severe sprain and she has no idea what she did to it.
My daughter, on the other hand... 'undetermined abdominal pain'. Her liver enzymes are still a little out of whack, so I try to give her the benefit of the doubt lol.

I was too lazy to mark my board last night, but I don't think I woke all that often. My allergies bothered me more than anything. That and the cold. Burrrrrr it was chilly last night and I left my AC on at 78.
Otherwise, it's nice and peaceful.
Hope everyone is well.

Hugs for the thread!!!

So...life...

I posted a review last night on YELP that wasn't exactly five stars....this morning the business owner called me and harassed me about the review, calling my words hurtful. I wasn't nearly butthurt as he was but calling me wasn't cool.

Originally Posted by melanieb

Hugs for the thread!!!

So...life...

I posted a review last night on YELP that wasn't exactly five stars....this morning the business owner called me and harassed me about the review, calling my words hurtful. I wasn't nearly butthurt as he was but calling me wasn't cool.

lmao, post another review on Yelp describing the phone call/harassment

Also, hi.

Thanks for the well-wishing.

At this point they are encouraging him to pursue palliative care because the location of his cancer is...surgically quite difficult, if not impossible. It's not the news we wanted to hear, but its not written in stone yet either.

So we are not giving up hope.

Some guy behind me in a big white truck was honking at me for not making a right on red. He then proceeded to tailgate about half a car behind me for ten miles until he could pass; despite me going 5 over the limit. Two miles later I saw him by the side of the road with a cop car.

So, I went to a counsellor as suggested by Jacq (paradoxowl). It is a real hospital and not the kind of cosy office i had expected. She made me sign some papers that I won't attempt suicide or self-harm and asked me to fill several questionnaires on my background and past, including topics like alcohol/drug addiction, abuse etc.

Now i'm beginning to think I shouldn't have gone, as the counselling is making me quite uneasy. I'm not sure if this is how the treatment is supposed to go, but she asks the most uncomfortable questions and I end up crying. The conversation seems to be deviating away from the issues at hand and I'm guessing she's connecting everything to the fact that I was sexually abused in childhood. That's something I have left in the past, it is not bothering me at present. She still insists on bringing up things I've almost forgotten, which I don't want to be reminded of now. And I feel worse after each session, so I go home and cry some more. But I'm continuing my sessions because I'm not sure what else to do.

Next week, she wants me to take a depression test. She says she may have to refer me to a psychiatrist. I know that I'm different and have my own quirks, but I don't want a psychiatrist. I think that all I needed was a little vacation in a quiet place and I could have handled this shit on my own. Now the counsellor is blowing things out of proportion and trying to make me believe that I'm mentally ill. Or maybe I really am ill but refusing to accept it. I don't know what to do.