Rave: school is going well. Not perfectly, of course, but far fewer things have gone wrong than I’d anticipated. A girl in one of the same classes as me started talking to me and now I’ve become almost comfortable with her, and another girl she introduced me to. Most of the day goes just fine, I do all the work, I learn and understand things.
Rant: every time I get home, I prepare myself to do the things I need to and instead end up dissolving into a mess of tears because I thought about the wrong things and I can’t stand life, can’t stand anything, and I do next to none of what I need to but instead spend most of that time crying horribly and letting my thoughts carry me away to some really stupid and unpleasant places and sometimes trying (unsuccessfully) to distract myself with the internet. Give up, go to sleep. Wake in the morning. Rinse and repeat. This makes me really hate myself sometimes—I should be getting things done, or if I’m going to be wasting time do it by reading or learning or anything but just sitting and crying, only I fail repeatedly at making myself do this.
It’s like I’m a stupid little kid trying to get through life without messing up and I have to talk myself through everything – when I get really upset and it seems like everything is over I talk myself through it, I try out different ways of thinking and get so lost and caught up in them, I think the most horribly self-deprecating and life-loathing things with utter conviction but surely my overall worldview is both far more positive and kinder to myself and the others around me (only what is it worth when it so easily fades out of existence and I keep having to draw it back in?)—I’m so completely childish and it reflects in every one of my words. While writing this I’ve bitten and torn my lip to bleeding.
I'm fairly unsure about posting this. It seems somehow trivial and out of place, but then, if anyone finds it so, they can skim over it easily enough *plants self in thread*
It feels like a long time since I’ve done any of the things I love, probably longer than it has been—but nevertheless, it's been a while.
What now?
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