Thread: 365 days w/o Jerking Off: A self control challenge

NJOC: 240-241

NPOP: 25/26

Yeah, it's one day; a day which counts! I'll mention this again; I feel relieved not having to think of the obvious if someone were to say "So what did you do today?" Well today I cleaned Mom's car windshield and waxed it then cleaned the wipers. No kidding.

NJOC: 241-242

NPOP: 26/27

Nearing the eight month mark!

Originally Posted by 101Volts

NJOC: 241-242

NPOP: 26/27

Nearing the eight month mark!

242-243

27-28

The last one posted close to 12 hours ago was talking about the previous day. Oh and as I have remnants of pornographic images in my head which sometimes just show up what can I do of that if I'd like to pass it up? Ignore it, I suppose.

Oh and as I have remnants of pornographic images in my head which sometimes just show up what can I do of that if I'd like to pass it up? Ignore it, I suppose.

It sound like you are in a war against your own mind here. And most of us are in one or more ways in some kind of war with our self.

If there is a strong desire to something, it comes with the biproduct of turning up our attention around that specific desire, which also tend to remind us more often of it's need that haven't been fullfilled. To ignore it is givning it even more fuel to the desire because now we are trying to take controll by supressing the desire. Surpression works, but it takes a lot of energy since the desire that have been created is still there and calls with growing attention.

Desires are beliefs about something clear or unclear to us. If we have the belief that a speciffic desire will be worth our time and energy to be manifested, we go and try to get it. If we believe that our desire are not worth our time and energy, we will feel physiological pain since we have given up the fulfilling part of our desire.

So what do we do then?

A good start is to see whether our desire seems like an appropriate goal to fit our basic need of our overall well-being.
Desire in itself is a energy movement in the body. The direction that the energy moves in, are directed by belief. So if we change our beliefs about our specific desire, then we also change our attention and overall outlook on life. Porn isn't the root problem, but what we believe about porn makes it so.

Some sort of sexuall need is natural to feel. But there is many ways in how we personaly can relate and move around the sexual energy in a fulfilling way, instead of trying to supress it. I think with your determined will-power, there is a lot of potential for change in a direction that feels more natural to you. There is most likely that you have some unconsious beliefs about pornography that you can bring up to your awareness and see the false illusions of and replace. Counting days of how long we can supress something, might show your level of determination to change. Now that you know that, it might be a time to change the way you relate your own beliefs about porn or sex and letting go of counting the days to come. In this way, you can begin to feel more of who you are right now, rather than what you done in the past.

Thing is the suppression's not such a bad thing for me. I don't flat out 100% reject all sexual thoughts but there's a lot which I feel I should reject. "Fulfilling" to me wasn't to J.O. as I only felt like wrecking the car after one of the last times last December. I felt awful most of the day until I talked with a bearded man. (This is an important detail, that he was bearded. I felt like I'd never get another opportunity to say so, so I complimented on his beard.)

I will admit that I believe many of my thoughts regarding sexuality are over-reacting yet at the same time I'm still going on this challenge. I don't know if you read pages back but I did feel like wrecking the car I was driving once post-M because "WELL there goes my life!" (in other words, "I traded self restraint for what wasn't it. What's happening next? How will this one thing effect my life as a whole?")

I'm still counting, BTW. This is mostly for a "Checking in" thing and for encouragement to anyone else doing the same.

244-245 (surpassed 8 months, hooray)

30-31

It's good to hear that isn't a bad thing, and I guess that you got many positive experiences out of it so far as well. Supression have it's functions, but it's also worth knowing that what we try to supress will always come back at us and probably stronger, since the energy either builds up of what is supressed. Or that the supression itself might take to much energy to maintain in the longrun. Supression is like holding down a beach ball under water, it can be kept there as long as we use our energy to push it down, but it will come right back up as soon as we stop playing the push down game with it.

J.O. cant stay fulfilling for very long since it is only a repetitive way of temporary taking away all the sexuall energy and leaves without finding anything new or gaining experience to it. That is why the negative or sense of empty feelings takes place instead of the fulfilling one's. It's interesting that you take up the detail of the bearded man. I think it might show you your natural direction, in how to use your energy in a fulfilling way. You felt awful, but it might have also made you more attentive of the opportunity to compliment someone before it was to late. In this case or day, you lost your goal of supressing the sexuall energy. And that left you empty of a goal and therefore unfulfilled. You did find find a different kind of fulfillment, and that was to share some of your energy you had left in a unselfish way by making the compliment. That's just my take on it.

I think you have a good chance to change your thoughts and beliefs regarding sexuality, and by doing that. You change the direction of your energy, sexuall energy can also be used to in other areas than just sexuall attention. It's just that if beliefs becomes desires about sex. Then will our attention naturaly remind us more and more about sex depending of how strong our beliefs about sex are. I have read some pages back before, but not so much. The thing is that the transition between change, is always hard and usually scary as well. Because when a bigger shift of awareness is taking place, we can easier lose our sense of inner direction. This inner direction is all about how we cooperate with our inner energy and how we have learned to use it. When we become to efficent to use our energy and put it into use all the time, then we also become scared to hold and feel the raw energy inside our self to get to know it's power and usefulness in a wider sense.

"WELL there goes my life!" (in other words, "I traded self restraint for what wasn't it. What's happening next? How will this one thing effect my life as a whole?")

Some of the most important things in this is to realize is that these words holds alot of energy to it, so there is normal to feel flooded with emotions that might feel overwhelming since there is a strong hold of beliefs in those sentences. None of the restraints was unusefull or unimportant, because our actions always holds the potential for further realizations and expansion in this very moment. We should never hold the expectations that we should have known what we didn't come to understand after a realization. Fulfillment and failure are two sides of the same coin, the fruitful part is to learn to see the potential in both sides to get the very best out of it.

What I essentially want to say, is that what we supress is what we will regain and make stronger. Since what we do want or what we dont want, works by the same principle. If we use our energy on what we do want, we get a greater chance to get it. And if we use our energy to focus on what we dont want, then we get a greater risk of getting that which we dont want.

Haha I feel like I have just said to much about everything and nothing, because of what we seek can probably not be explained away in words anyway. Anyhow, it's interesting to see someone like you with such a determination to explore an idea and stick to it as far as possible. Congratulation on getting past the 8 months mark!^^

It's really tying my life together nicely to be suppressing this. I'm doing what I can to not be a cheating boyfriend/husband/rotting pillar of family collapse (don't think it hasn't happened) here. Not that I even know any girl I'd want to date maybe with exception to one red-haired girl who I don't know the name of, who I saw in the Carnegie Science Center in Pittsburgh. In 1999 or 2000. So yeah, although I have faith the universe could somehow "magically" point me to her I'm not sure this is the right time for it.

I'm aware that suppression can make something stronger. However, what if I harness the energy and just use it somewhere else? (Is that what you've been referring to?) I'm referring to a relationship here but I know nobody and I'm laughable as a candidate for a husband at this point.

I'm still counting:

245-246 (I'm past 2/3rds complete for a whole year...)

31 or more;

Interesting how even a recent dream has been effected; I wouldn't J.O. in a recent dream. Sometimes lately there have been concerns I'd fail the challenge because some thoughts showed up which directly conflict with it; I can't listen to them and continue so I shoot them down out of my consideration. Just... Focus in on, like the binoculars... To the park and walk there, to smell the fresh air...

I believe you when you say that it have served you well. I just notice that you seem mostly focused on how not to be or have with your goals. You seem to have such a determination for your goal of the 365 mark that it might take up most of your focus from what you might really want out of it all. If there is a redirection of your focus from not or dont want, to what you do want. Then you can stil be able to keep the negatives out and bringing more of the good in.

So yeah, although I have faith the universe could somehow "magically" point me to her I'm not sure this is the right time for it.

My experience is this. We get what we really need, and even If we reject what we need. Then we usually get even more of what we need but dont want or think we need. If we take that which are given us to our heart and mind. Then will our needs starts to change on their own, and we get more of what we actually enjoy instead of mere wants. So we can never expect a certain outcome to fulfill us for very long, but to be willing to meet our true needs trough appreciation of what we have and get. Will then certaintly surprise us beyond our current imagination.

I'm aware that suppression can make something stronger. However, what if I harness the energy and just use it somewhere else? (Is that what you've been referring to?) I'm referring to a relationship here but I know nobody and I'm laughable as a candidate for a husband at this point.

Yes! use that energy into the very root cause of the problem, rather than to the symptoms of it. I think that your idea of building relationship is a good idea, and the relationship needs to begin with one self. And the problem is not that you dont know anybody, because we have to get to know somebody before can know anybody, right? As good as everyone is a laughable candidate as a husband or wife at some point in a relationship(me included). That's why they laugh at, and argue with eachother. A good start to get in the best possible relationship with someone, is to build a healthy relationship with one self first. So start to see what you can love with yourself and learn to trust that feeling. If you happen to feel hate about yourself, then honestly question that hate and dont buy into any firm beliefs if you already "know".


Is there anything extra special you would like to get out of this challenge of your except just making it past the finish line?

Expected benefits:

>Not feeling depressed or suicidal in aftermaths;
>Memory that I've actually exerted willpower to resist this and whatever comes from that;
>Dunno about you but in the past "M" often caused my dreams to change and form around it. I'd like to avoid that please; after one "M" I was (to abbreviate it) "R'd" in a dream so YES I'd love to avoid that;
>Self-control having been exerted;
>Religious purpose (though it's a special definition of the word...);
>That I won't feel addicted like a druggie or drunk.
>"Is this YOUR porn magazine?" "I can honestly say no, it is not!"
>"M" may reduce vitality in a relationship so I wonder what will happen if I'm avoiding it?

I'm not only going for one year either, I aim for two or more if not stopping altogether if I haven't any real reason whatsoever to continue. Did you ever listen to "Paranoid Time"? It's a short song written in 1980 or so about feeling paranoid about what was expected to be World War 3. It's like how I feel about if I would resume this as a habit.

TBH when I turned 13 I didn't want to really have the talk though I knew the subject (a little) already due to the internet. I felt like "NOPE!" and a door shut with beeswax on the sides to not even let air in between me and my parents on the subject. Not just that; I somehow later somehow had it in mind that any tiny mistake was like a landmine to my face for years and if I were to make one mistake I wouldn't let myself hear the end of this... (Or maybe not; I did have one time as a kid when I was super mad that a drawing I made wasn't as I wanted it and I was fast to deny drawing time at least one other time too.) Do I understand to not harm myself over it now, though? Sure. I expect to make mistakes in life and prefer to not BAJSDKLGABJSDBV all over myself anymore but still, even with all that... Resuming it would again be back where I started except elsewhere in my life and effect it much the same as it used to.

That's alot of sincere expectations. And I hope you will reach what you are looking for as well. It sounds that you want a mature, responsible and healthy relationship with yourself and those around you in general.

I did look for "Paranoid Time" on youtube, but I dont think I found it though. About that sense of becoming paranoid.. that is a way to relate to the unknown with only fearful beliefs as our primary tool of our mind. Nothing can be fearful to us, unless we expect it to be. You as I and everyone else have some sort of story that you seem to be able to relate to when it comes to sex or making mistakes. Sex in general is a very tabu subject sinse it is obvious that it is alot of shame and guilt around it. And since it is such a tabu and shameful topic, it easily creates the paradox of being even more interesting or addicting. So sure, masturbation or having to much sex becomes destructive at a certain point. Masturbation get's destructive earlier in my opinion, because it is more of a selfish need compared with shared need with a partner. It doesn't mean that we are doomed if we act out any of those needs though. The more we try to expand our relationship and understanding about sex, the more freedom will we create in our way to use that energy in other ways.

If I read between the lines of your situation. I can sense that there is some strong beliefs about sex that you hold. Sex is not your actual problem as I see it. It is rather what you believe about yourself and sex. These toughts can be very painful to explore, and they probably will be. But the way to become free of sex and the guilt and shame of it. Is to dive into the guilt and shame of it and let our self feel that. It cant hurt forever, even if that is what the mind want to scream out to us, because there is often a lot of built up energy in our root cause problem. I just talk to much as usually, but if you are interested in investigating some of those beliefs, just tell me if you want some help with going through that, because it can bring some major confusion.

I feel that there's one thing I missed from the list but off the top of my head I'm not sure what it is.

Overall, I may have exaggerated on feeling paranoid. I'm not paranoid over it now but it's more of a description of if I were to return to it, that I'd feel just the same. I'm OK with growing into a mature relationship though. Here's a link to an upload of the E.P. the song's on. The song starts at 5:24. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0t9yezcVlo

I feel that there's one thing I missed from the list but off the top of my head I'm not sure what it is.

I think that it might be a good idea to contemplate then..

Overall, I may have exaggerated on feeling paranoid. I'm not paranoid over it now but it's more of a description of if I were to return to it, that I'd feel just the same. I'm OK with growing into a mature relationship though.

I see. We always tend to exaggerate when we take a step back and get into a different perspective, so it's hard not to feel like that sometimes. But the most important is that our discription is as honest as possible, and you seem very honest in my opinion. To be OK with growing is a start, and to be willing too. Is a good next step further in that direction. Hehe thanks for the link, interesting song indeed!

Having listened to the song after posting that, I can tell I wasn't exaggerating. If the lyrics were slightly different to describe my situation it would be accurate.

More reasons:

>Peace of mind while in public;
>No pedophile thoughts coming up. (This was the other reason I was mentioning.)

Those were both troublesome, honestly.

I guess that you often find yourself are in a very turbulent emotional state, if that song represent your situation.

You will have sense a greater peace of mind the more you get to know and love yourself. That is key to peace of mind, so it's totally worth investigating further. So our peace of mind, are related to our level of self acceptance(love) of ourself. We are not our thoughts either, since they come to us, even if we want them or not. So our need or habit of unwillingly thinking will also decrease as we get to now and accept our self.

Im impressed with you being so honest here. I dont actually know what to say about pedophile toughts, more than that I think that if there happen to be any attraction in those thoughts comming up. Then I recommend that you try to find a professional psychologist and speak as openly about it as you can. That is the best way both for yourself and others. And that would also be a big step in the direction you might seek for, instead of struggle your way through life with a destructive thought pattern. We can always find new and healthy ways to relate to others, and our self, and it always worth the trubble going through that.

Turbulent, yes; often, no; not lately. I used to feel that way frequently enough, though. The nightmares I used to have (not just sexual ones, MANY dreams) were jarring. As I said, I've also felt "r'd" in at least one dream which carried on into the next day. Can't "squeak" (J.O. quietly) past without having the whole universe implode on me or so it feels like.

I had a paragraph typed in the last reply but deleted it; it read like this: The guitarist of the Minutemen was fat and jumped all over the stage frequently in hot weather, even in the desert for one concert and I'm not sure if that was in the day or night but the photos are daytime. With that in mind I sometimes wonder in retrospect if I felt like how fast his heart may have been pounding while he did all his acrofatic (it's a term, look it up) antics.

I'm sure I'll feel much better in such a state of caring for myself. It's how I've been getting along so well, I have to also forgive and care for my enemies like Jesus Christ said. That's another

As for pedophile thoughts previously coming up, I haven't seen any lately. I can see the pit of lava from here though; if I'd walk towards it and jump in I wouldn't be unburnt.

Apropos of the discussion, here's another song but this one's that Weezer song. Maybe you know it? it somewhat describes my situation also but moreso where I felt when I was liking pornz and how I ended up feeling in grocery stores; just... Puke.



EDIT: I need to point out the first paragraph again. Despite all this I AM feeling much calmer lately, I'm not high-strung and feeling "Holy what the hell" over this now. Just reassuring that point!

Alright, it's good to hear that you find some space in that turbulence though! Despite all the nightmares you got through, remember that you did survive them all, even if they did have an effect on you. I checked out the Weezer song, but you know I could probably never be able to relate to it in the way you do that's also whats so cool about music.

You seem to have getting alot out of your challenge so far. And despite that you have had pedophile thoughts, does your moral standard be seemingly higher and overpowering those toughs which is what really matters most in this case.

It's awesome that you feel that you are going in the right direction, so it's always good to remind oneself what you have gone through to see that we never are back on square one. Even if that is what we might think when we are down. I stil think that is highly valuble to speak ones heart out to someone that is willing to listen and that is trustworthy in an eye to eye.

And I'm all the gladder for making it through! Yes, Music (one of my life's greatest joys) can be highly personal. I've sometimes put my own interpretation to songs which had nothing to do with my interpretation in their initial writing.

I wonder if there are any other benefits to this than what I've listed.

Hmm... It's OK for me to think of how far I've come but at the same time I have to remind myself it's no reason to relapse at all. I think so too about speaking in such a way.

250-251 (over 2/3 complete!)

35-36

That's great! I totally agree that music is highly personal, probably much more than what one can imagine sometimes.

I think you will find more and more benefits hidden in your list, as long as your curiosity of looking for it maintains inorder for more realizations to be revealed.

Not much else to say here. I was looking up cars in Google Images, saw some suggestive image then thought something like "Dammit..." but I'm not all that tempted. STILL...

253-254

38-39

Njoc: 258
Npop: 41-42

Originally Posted by 101Volts

Npop

What does this mean?

Day... 216!

Originally Posted by Saizaphod

What does this mean?

Day... 216!

NPOP = No Porn on Purpose, meaning if it shows up by an ad I wasn't looking for it doesn't count but it's not a loophole for me either.

NJOC: 259
NPOP: 42-43

NJOC: 260
NPOP: 43-44

Another day counting.

NJOC: 262
NPOP: 45-46

There we go.