Bygone

I can't decide if I should call this Bygone or Trace, well whatever, it's a story I've had in my head for ages, it involves dreaming quite a bit, basic storyline, young girl haunted by dreams involving the murder of her parents... delightful. But it turns into a lot more than that, you'll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, this is a VERY short intro I just wrote, it doesn't fit into any of the chapters, I just wanted to use it to introduce the main charater and her personality.

... I can't write to save my life by the way. :D

Bygone

Sian Intro

Mulburry Woods, I don’t really remember when I started coming here, I have most my life. There’s something about it, something, comforting, I come here when I can’t sleep, when it all gets too much… but I’m sure that you don’t really want to listen to me ramble on about how much I like this place. You see, I’ve never been the sort of person who can just, well relax, I’m always uptight, you’d hate that about me, seriously. I can never sleep, that’s why I’m here, on a cold, wet night at bloody 5am.

I suppose it’d be best for me to tell you the normal ‘Hi, I’m David Mgrew, I grew up with my parents in a trailer’ crap about myself, so here goes. My name’s Sian (pronounced Sharn) Beckett, Sian meaning a gift from God and Beckett… sounding a lot like bucket, so let’s just forget the last name. I’m 16, long brown hair, wanabe artist, Virgo and a whole lot of other crap which I’m sure that you don’t care about. I live with my cousin because my parents died a long, long time ago, but I’m not sure I really want to get into that right now. I don’t really remember much about them, all I know is from pictures, to be honest, thinking about them is a little too depressing for me sometimes. So anyway, my Cousin, Sam, she’s a nice girl, about 35, so she was 21 when I was born and 25 when she was lumbered with little old me. Like I said, she’s nice and everything, but, I don’t know, I just feel so distant from her sometimes. Blah, whatever, it’s not like you honestly care.


There is a reason why I can’t sleep sometimes, nightmares. Look, I know what you’re thinking ‘Poor little girl being chased by an evil clown, OH NO!’ or something, but these, these are something more.

Oh, would you look at that? The sun’s rising, I guess that I’d better head home, put the make up on and face another day.

Heres what i noticed... no personal attacks

The gender of the character should be infered a little bit earlier, since i was thinking it was a girl and BAM... david? then it changes names and i see the long hair (no offense people I have long hair myself) and it makes me think its a girl (maybe i was influenced by your sexy avatar). I notice a "bloody". I have nothing against the british, but I think you should limit the english slang to dialogue. The word "crap" is used too close together. Two times is fine, but its within 4 seconds of reading.

Other than those *minor* maletails I think its pretty good. I like how you get friendly with the reader not just the generic "Hi. Im Nancy. I sell my body for money" intro. You talk like you're 'having a one-way conversation yet the only reason they're not talking is they have the inability to' kind of theme. Sounds interesting.