The Terrorist (poem)

Ok well here's something I wrote a while ago, but has kind of found more relevance recently (unfortunatley.) It's my sixth draft so far, but still not quite right, and I have a lot of tweaking and fixing to do, but I thought i would share it with you guys, see if it means anything to you.

Oh and btw, I'd love to hear suggestions about things you do/dont like... it's only 14 lines but a lot of hard work to get it perfect.


The Terrorist and Me:

Stop there, I know you dark stranger!
They whisper of your evil ways -
Your sick, unreasoning anger
Will set the world ablaze

They say freedom rusts from such hate
In your bloody steps war follows
Intolerance breeds in your wake,
Fear the only language you know

Stay away from my peaceful home!
I’ll kill you while I’m defending
You might hate, but I hate you more!
Until I find the dead child called humanity;

In my bloodied hands suddenly I see
That the devil in you is a reflection of me.

HAHA wow!!!! I like it Roller.

I was reading it, and then like 1/2 way I was like, "Uh oh, the narrator is starting to sound more and more like a terrorist." Then I read the last 2 lines and I was like "Ohhhhhhh..."

I like your metaphors, esp "the dead child called humanity." Good work. The only thing I would change, which is more of a personal preference really, is polish the rhyme a bit. I understand that sometimes it's just not possible to say precisely what you want and have perfect rhymes, but that's part of the challange I strive for when writing lyrics. Again, that's just me.

Bravo, I'd like to read more of your stuff.

Hey cheers for that, always nice to know I'm on the right track, seeing as you felt exactly what I wanted to show.... yay!

Yeah I agree with you about the rhyme... I've said what I want to with it, but now I have to find the best words to say it with, and get the rhyme and flow working properly. I agree, the challenge of it is lots of fun, and why I decided to do it in sonnet form - the more work you ahve to do on it the better you get at writing. This version of it I tried to do in iambic quantameter (not really iambic though), cuz i thought it might give it a bit more rythm and flow, but there's still a bit missing...

Some of the lines seem a bit clumsy to me, and I don't particularly like the middle stanza, but we'll see how I go with a bit more work...

I might find some other poems for you, although if ur wanting to read something then somewhere at the bottom of the artist's corner I posted a story that nobody read (Eat me, my city) :cry: so feel free to read that lol **shameless plug, shameless plug**

I definitely like the realization at the end.
Too bad not many people are that humble to see the truth at times. Too caught up in thinking that they hold all the answers. Ack! I am ranting :P

Anyway, I liked it a lot! Nice indeed.
I also liked how you kept a good pace of the syllables--a system generally of 8.
Many people who rhyme may make the flow of the sentences either too long or too short of one another and disrupts the overall flow of the poem. Yours was at a nice pace and pretty consistent.

Nice work :)

i really like this poem

it like turns on itself at the end a nice touch

Overall, it's a great poem. Just a few lines seem a little too...uh...rushed, I suppose. Kind hard to put in one word. Just like "In your bloody steps war follows" When you read it, it seems like you read normally, then after steps you just sorta zip through. It's only two words, but it makes a difference. You could make it something that perhaps makes it longer, or more appealing to thought. Maybe something like "In your bloody foot steps, I cry" and insinuation that you're afected and hurt by the "blood." Which could (in tie with the end) mean that you're disappointed/sad that you are as bad as the terrorist, and know what they've done. I dunno, I don't normally get into poetry at all, but I liked this one. So there's some credit. Cuz, for the record, there's only one poem that I actually ever liked enough to remember, and this one would be the second.

Yeah, that's the line that's been bothering me lots... it's not rushed (after 6 drafts) but just really clumsy... words should flow and mould together, and that whole third stanza doesn't do that at all.. I might have to free the whole poem up a bit, we'll see. I found it hard to get the exact things I wanted to say in the poem, and also make them flow - it's in the form of a sonnet (14 lines) and so this restricted me a lot, but it is also good to have to think a bit more. Sonnets have a nice ring to them when they're done properly, and I think it's the best way to describe what I want to say in it.

Well if i end up finishing it, I'll let you guys know. I'm pretty keen to enter it into a competition too :P

Sounds like a good idea there Roller. Just make sure to leave the last two lines, cuz they're pretty good. And it kinda makes it like in the old Shakespeare plays, where at the end of each scene, the last two lines have a rhyme at the end of them.

And if your trying to restrict the line limit, write it out in full first, then see what you can take away and change. It might help.