A creepy story i wrote!

Hey I am yacka, so i finished work today and i felt weird so i wrote this story :)
It has nothing to with my life or anything involved, i just felt like writing and this is the outcome!
This is fairly long but stick in there because it's pretty good!
Please enjoy, if you do, let me know and i might post other stories if i write some :)

NOTE:: PLEASE DO NOT PLAGIARISE THIS, IT IS COPYRIGHTED! PLEASE ASK FOR MY PERMISSION AND GIVE ME CREDIT! ::NOTE
The story:

It is night. ©
I had just finished a 4 hour shift at work.
I am eating some food.
I'm looking out of the window although I can still see inside.
It is raining outside and there are a lot of cars.
There is a building across the road with all of the lights on, the walls look like they are made out of glass. No one is inside.
There is a couple sitting across from me. They might be Brother and Sister, the might be Boyfriend and Girlfriend, I'm not too sure. The place is full of people eating their dinner, All i can hear is a sea of blurred conversations. While I look at this couple, i feel like there is something in the building across the road. I turn my head to the right, I look at the building, nothing. I stare for a little longer.
I realize that my surroundings have gone quiet.
I turn my head the opposite way, I turn it to where the couple once were. There is no one, no one at all. No body eating their dinner, no one.
I look outside, no cars. There are no bloody cars! Then i realize there is no rain either.
Everything has vanished. While i stare into the darkness, i realize there is something moving inside of the building.
I see someone, the don't look male nor female. They are staring back at me. the face is shifting. It's turning into a male, blonde hair, tall. It's turning into me. I am staring at myself. The thing turns around and walks through the door into the darkness.
I feel something touch my shoulder.
I shift my head to the left. It's the thing from the building. It's me.
It's blocking my view of the rest of the room, but i can hear shuffling, people walking. The person in front of me, I, step back.
The people I could hear walking were also me. There must have been over 100 of me.
I say "Who are you?"
They suddenly all start screaming and their faces are imploding.
All of the faces are gone. They are just holes.
They are still screaming, then i hear something, it sounds like static off of a television.
It's getting louder, more intense. I can't handle it. I clench my ears with my hands and close my eyes. It's still getting louder.
Then it stops.
I open my eyes and there is the couple, still chatting. Everyone else is still eating dinner.
I see a flicker in the building to my right. I look over.
There I am, staring at myself, again.
The thing walks over to the door and disappears into the darkness. ©

Please forgive my bad spelling and grammar! I hope you enjoyed it! :)
Leave your comments down below and leave some feedback !

Hi Yacka!

Do you mind if I offer suggestions? I too, am one who loves to write, and I think this is an awesome start to a very creepy storyline indeed. I also have some suggestions for the writing, if you are interested in hearing them.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheSilverWolf

Hi Yacka!

Do you mind if I offer suggestions? I too, am one who loves to write, and I think this is an awesome start to a very creepy storyline indeed. I also have some suggestions for the writing, if you are interested in hearing them.

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SilverWolf my friend!
Heck yes id be more then happy to hear your suggestions!!
You can put them here or private message me them or something :)

Well, as I said, I like the storyline, it really has a dark and creepy feel--I personally love something like that. It seems vaguely psychological, but leaves the possibility of paranormal. I would suggest maybe being more descriptive. For example, take the following:

Quote:

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There is a couple sitting across from me. They might be Brother and Sister, the might be Boyfriend and Girlfriend, I'm not too sure. The place is full of people eating their dinner, All i can hear is a sea of blurred conversations. While I look at this couple, i feel like there is something in the building across the road. I turn my head to the right, I look at the building, nothing. I stare for a little longer.

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You could describe the couple, and perhaps why you are drawn to them over the rest of the diners; you mentioned in passing the diner is full of people, but you are drawn to them. Maybe you could either describe why (or wanting to leave that to imagination), describe what the couple looks like. The same with the building, and your surroundings. In general, I don't think being more descriptive (to a point) couldn't hurt. Just don't overdo it. I love Tolkien, but he can take a dang chapter to describe what one leaf on one tree looks like, and that gets real old, REAL fast.

I like the short, clipped sentences in your story. Something I've read, though, is to try and vary sentence length. Now this comes down to a style thing, of course, but maybe experiment with tossing a few longer sentences in there too. That said, the short, clipped nature of the narration, I think, adds a bit of apprehension to the story.

Again, great plot, you might consider adding to this short story, Yacka :)

Yeah i wasn't very descriptive because i was in a rush and needed to go haha :) So i just tried to write it as fast as i could!
If i had some more time i could have done it a bit better !

I actually have no clue about the couple, they were literally just infront of me at the time i was writing and i thought i could use them!!
But i guess they were like the reality check, if you get me :)

I have only recently gotten into writing, i hated writing in school because it was always some crappy essay that has to go with the prompt, but my teacher let us know that we could do creative pieces instead! So i write short stories for my exams and stuff and iv been getting B+'s since! :)

I thought i would write it in a creepy way :) If i re write it i will be more descriptive and use your ideas!! :)

Btw i have never heard of Tolkien?!?!

I'm sure you have, maybe not by name. He wrote The Lord of the Rings trilogy :)

I know what you mean about writing, because I was the exact same way. I LOATHED writing in school, until we started having creative writing. When I was able to write my very first STORY, that got me interested. Now my biggest dream is to be an author, perhaps even one of the calibur of Stephen King or Dean Koontz.

Ohh yeah now I know who he is :)
Well im sure you have the power to become as great a writer as them! :)
If you want to share a story or two then send them my way! Id be happy to read them!

I've already posted one here, a short story I wrote called Crimson Dragon: Birth of an Assassin :)

Yeah, thought you'd recognize the book, even if you didn't the author's name :lol:

I just found it, i will read it soon!
Have you written novels?!

I think everyone knows the LOTR trilogy haha :)

Yeah, I've written two of them; but so far I haven't gotten any literary agents interested. Buuuut, I haven't submitted to many yet, either. Both of them are close to 100k words, so they're full length too. The Crimson Dragon short story is basically a short prequel to another novel I am working on. What about you, do you have any novels or novella's you've written yet?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheSilverWolf

100k words

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WOW! 100,000 words! sheesh! How old are you?
I am 17 and almost done high school so i have only just gotten into creative pieces, so no, i haven't created and novels or novellas!
I only write small stuff at the moment, like 2k words at most :) and usually only for school work, althought this piece wasn't for school, it was just random!

I'm 27, lol. I wrote that between college semesters, as It is hard to write ANYTHING when overflowed with work. That said, once edited a bit more properly, I expect the word count on that one to drop to the 90k range.

That's how I started--small stuff here and there, short stories or writing novels I never finished. I had an idea for a book called the 13--too falloutish though, I realized when I got a bit older. Still, would make a great fan fic, about 13 people who leave the safety of a fallout shelter (they are chosen to do so), to gather parts to keep the shelter up and running (not a water chip like in FO, but still...stories are kinda close). I never finished it though :p

You should post some of your other stuff, I'd love to read it! Also, if you like reading, and post-apocalyptic stuff, try "The Passage." Really good series so far :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TheSilverWolf

I'm 27, lol. I wrote that between college semesters, as It is hard to write ANYTHING when overflowed with work. That said, once edited a bit more properly, I expect the word count on that one to drop to the 90k range.

That's how I started--small stuff here and there, short stories or writing novels I never finished. I had an idea for a book called the 13--too falloutish though, I realized when I got a bit older. Still, would make a great fan fic, about 13 people who leave the safety of a fallout shelter (they are chosen to do so), to gather parts to keep the shelter up and running (not a water chip like in FO, but still...stories are kinda close). I never finished it though :p

You should post some of your other stuff, I'd love to read it! Also, if you like reading, and post-apocalyptic stuff, try "The Passage." Really good series so far :)

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Hey age doesn't really matter! :) Yeah i understand the difficulties of overflow! Still 90,000 is a lot of words! :P

Why don't you try and get one of your novels published?

Yeah you can eventually see patterns that you yourself write about and sometimes even link two stories into one! :)
13 sounds pretty awesome! You should try and change the scene or something so it isn't as fallout-ish as you play it out to be, maybe in a country like place, zombie invasion, the only survivors that the others know about are the people they are with, the 13 go to find others and supplies and so on!

This was by far the weirdest and most "horror-ish" type of writing i have done, and it was a small piece that i could probably put to a story line with a bit of effort! My other pieces are just essays for school, they are fairly interesting i guess but i notice that i make the ending too abrupt, i never have enough time to make a full ending! I am always rushing! Also i have noticed that i don't like to use names unless i need to in my pieces :)