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    Thread: Betrayal (a shortstory)

    1. #1
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      Betrayal (a shortstory)

      I was looking through some past stories I've written and found one I think I wrote a month or more ago. So, I decided to share it with everybody here since I have no digital art to share. XP
      The POV is that of my OC Ink Raven's here is the only picture I have of her where she's wearing the outfit she has in this story --> Anthro Ink by MeannCat on DeviantArt
      And here is her friend Blitz --> Happy to Help by MeannCat on DeviantArt


      Betrayal

      Blitz smiled at me and held a paper plate with a small pile of brownies on it out to me. "My maid Dorie made them."

      "Really?" I asked.

      He nodded.

      "She always makes the best brownies!" I exclaimed taking the brownie on top of the pile.

      "I agree." he responded.

      I was about to take a bite of brownie but noticed that he hadn't taken one to eat himself. Why was that? He loved brownies, at least every time we've eaten brownies he acted like he loved them.

      "Aren't you gonna eat one too?" I asked.

      "I had some at the mansion." Blitz answered, chuckling lightly. "Didn't have the patience to wait until I met you here."

      I shrugged. "Makes sense."

      And then I sank my teeth into the brownie, finding that it had nuts in it. Yummy! I smiled as I ate the brownie, savoring ever delectible bite. But half way through I found that it tasted oddly...what was this weird flavor? For all the brownies I've ever eaten none had this particular flavor.

      "Blitz what's in the-e-e-~"

      I couldn't finish as I began to sway on my feet, my eyes beginning to feel heavy. My vision soon started to blur, so I blinked my eyes to clear them. Once...twice...a soft thud was heard as I collapsed. And for the third and final time I opened and closed my eyes, Blitz had gotten close to me with his devilish smile, I knew all too well.

      "Sweet dreams, Ink." he said.

      And then everything had gone black...
      ...time skip...

      I awoke to find myself in a pearly white cell, though that was all I could see at first when I came to. When I carefully sat up and rubbed my eyes to get them to wake up too, I felt the a stiff sheet beneath me. The matress could be comfier though, but who was I to complain considering what just happened. At least it was just some sleeping drug rather poison, which might I add Blitz has a never ending supply of it seems.

      When my vision had cleared I was able to see more detail of the room I was in, which in truth was white. But a line seperating the metal on the walls could be seen here and there, the cell bars were glowing pinks rods of energy with obvious electric properties. You could practically see the electricity zapping off them.

      The bed I was on was just a thin matress attached to a plate of metal that folded out of the wall. To my right, which would be the opposite wall of the cell bars was a white table and chair. Not far from them was a sink sticking from the wall and a toilet right in the corner. Like hell I'd use a toilet where others would see me! I like my privacy.

      Speaking of being watched, when I got up and looked out of the bars a mobian in uniform was walking down the hall. And a camera was pointed directly at my cell. I smiled and waved at the camera.

      "Hiya! Can I ask who has me captive?"

      "She's awake!" the guard exclaimed and ran my way.

      I smiled cheerfully at him. "Yeah, excuse me. My friend drugged me and I don't know where I am now."

      He made a weird face of disbeleif. "You're a prisoner of the Resistence..."

      "Oh okay." I replied and returned to sitting on the bed.

      "Yeah~" he started but was interrupted by a call on his watchphone. "Yeah....Alright I'm coming." he takes one more look at me. "Weirdo."

      He hangs up and walks away. I wave goodbye even if he didn't see me, when he was gone I looked back at the camera and smiled again before laying down, backwards. I reached into my boot, pretending to scratch my leg and found my blade was missing from my boot.

      Scrap.

      I'm weaponless...I shouldn't be surprised though, the Resistence aren't amateurs so of course they would've searched me for weapons. Though they don't even know what I fight with...why would they take random metal objects I had crammed in my boots?

      After a moment's thought on that question I shrugged and just stared up at the blank white ceiling.

      The good thing about my situation is, I don't have to do anything. The bad thing...I'm stuck in a jail cell and can't do anything. Yeah that's right, what's good about this is also what's bad about this.You can find the good in the bad and the bad in the good.

      Which doesn't much help my situation, does it?

      Nope.

      I guess I can try to figure out a way I can escape this place..awe, but how am I supposed to get my blades back? They are the only ones made in this fricken' time period. And they are made specifically for me to use. Maybe I can make a deal with the Resistence? Would they even accept a deal?
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    2. #2
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      So Ink is your fursona (the one you use for your profile picture) and basically an anolouge for you, right?

      Cool story. It feels like I'm reading part of a much longer story and would love to know the entire saga, but just this little bit leaves lots of mystery and allows me to imagine what happens in the rest of the story and the context of it. You could probably give a little more background and hints as to what the entire story arc is.

      I think that you as the main character should have a different reaction to being captured. You have been betrayed by a close friend and taken captive. You're not going to be smiling cheerfully during that situation, you're going to have a mixture of emotions, probably anger and confusion. Perhaps denial. Even if the character is (pardon my mild language) a badass, they still have to have some kind of emotional reaction to this sort of situation. Don't make it overly dramatic, but have the character show a more emotion. It will make the story a hundred times better (particularly if it is a short one.)

      Just my two cents. It's your story and ultimately you can create the art however you want.
      Last edited by JadeGreen; 04-28-2015 at 01:35 AM.
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    3. #3
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      Quote Originally Posted by JadeGreen View Post
      So Ink is your fursona (the one you use for your profile picture) and basically an anolouge for you, right?

      Cool story. It feels like I'm reading part of a much longer story and would love to know the entire saga, but just this little bit leaves lots of mystery and allows me to imagine what happens in the rest of the story and the context of it. You could probably give a little more background and hints as to what the entire story arc is.

      I think that you as the main character should have a different reaction to being captured. You have been betrayed by a close friend and taken captive. You're not going to be smiling cheerfully during that situation, you're going to have a mixture of emotions, probably anger and confusion. Perhaps denial. Even if the character is (pardon my mild language) a badass, they still have to have some kind of emotional reaction to this sort of situation. Don't make it overly dramatic, but have the character show a more emotion. It will make the story a hundred times better (particularly if it is a short one.)

      Just my two cents. It's your story and ultimately you can create the art however you want.
      Thanks for your suggestions, but in truth this was simply written out of boredom. So was the part two. (yes there are two parts, part 2 is probably worse than this one though). I also would try to make it an actual story, but when I try to write a story like that I ultimately quit it after three or four chapters. :/
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    4. #4
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      Hahaha! I know the feeling. I have been writing a story called Nightmare Hunters on and off for about six months now. The problem I run into is that I have moments scattered about that I know exactly what I want to happen. I have the main characters planned out. I just don't wanna do the work to fill in the gaps and write the rest of the story.
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    5. #5
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      Come to think of it...same here.

      I can always see what I want to happen in my head. Their reactions, the setting but when I try to write out the words (or in this case type out the words) it's not the same...my stories a few years ago were better than this. *shakes head* I mean if I showed you the backstory I wrote for one of my OCs it'd be twice as good as the short story I put up. At least I think, last time I checked it was better.

      Wait, never mind. It was a different story. But I did find another story better than this one. X3
      Last edited by gab; 05-02-2015 at 12:08 AM. Reason: merged 2 posts

    6. #6
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      I thought this excerpt was very badly written.

      Typos aside, for start it lacks that crucial hook that captivates the reader; I had to push mineself to get through this story. Also, the emotion (what little there is) isn't conveyed very well. The narrator did not act like someone whom was just betrayed by a trusted friend and locked into a cell. If she was already suspicious of her "friend" for a long time, or intended to be captured from the start, then maybe her demeanour would make sense. Pretty much no time whatsoever is taken to delve into the characters' personalities--as they are now, the characters are very one-dimensional. I would have added a meaningful conversation to the beginning scene, and projected a more painful, hopeless atmosphere to the cell scene. Lastly, the overall format is sloppy and monotone.

      Hate to break the news, but you've boatloads of room for improvement.
      Be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief,
      and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity.
      That is the way of the Stoics.



      "Do you know what happens to those who lose their true purpose?
      Inevitably, they destroy themselves." ~Saïx (Kingdom Hearts II.5)

    7. #7
      gab
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      I'm not sure the OP was asking for any critique.

    8. #8
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      Quote Originally Posted by gab View Post
      I'm not sure the OP was asking for any critique.
      Critique is something every writer and every artist should be grateful for, even if it is, well …brutally honest. Finding flaws in your own works can be quite hard, especially if you´d like to think they´re decent. But now that she is aware of what is missing in her story, she´s more likely to write something better next time.
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      You cannot defeat the devil with his own weapons, you can only replace him that way.

      Violence is for those who are too weak to solve problems with words.

    9. #9
      gab
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      Quote Originally Posted by Creation View Post
      Critique is something every writer and every artist should be grateful for, even if it is, well …brutally honest. Finding flaws in your own works can be quite hard, especially if you´d like to think they´re decent. But now that she is aware of what is missing in her story, she´s more likely to write something better next time.
      You have a point, and I agree with it partially. Constructive criticism is a good thing. I still think though, that someone shoud wait to be invited to give criticism, or perhaps not to be so brutally honest. Critique can be said in a gentle way, and it will still say the same thing, but it will not make the author feel so bad.

    10. #10
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      Quote Originally Posted by gab View Post
      I'm not sure the OP was asking for any critique.
      [Shrugs] And I'm sure forum policy doesn't forbid contructive criticism. [Smirks] Albeit unsolicited. So put down the gun, Sergeant.

      Quote Originally Posted by Creation View Post
      Critique is something every writer and every artist should be grateful for, even if it is, well …brutally honest. Finding flaws in your own works can be quite hard, especially if you´d like to think they´re decent. But now that she is aware of what is missing in her story, she´s more likely to write something better next time.
      Spoken like a professional.

      Quote Originally Posted by gab View Post
      You have a point, and I agree with it partially. Constructive criticism is a good thing. I still think though, that someone shoud wait to be invited to give criticism, or perhaps not to be so brutally honest. Critique can be said in a gentle way, and it will still say the same thing, but it will not make the author feel so bad.
      To be a good writer, you have to have backbone. If the author can't overcome a little practical bashing, that just means he/she doesn't have the gumption to sharpen his/her craft, much less make it as a writer. [Shrugs] In that case, I'm just saving the user from an even bigger sea of tears in the long run.
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      Be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief,
      and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity.
      That is the way of the Stoics.



      "Do you know what happens to those who lose their true purpose?
      Inevitably, they destroy themselves." ~Saïx (Kingdom Hearts II.5)

    11. #11
      gab
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      Aristaeus, I was gonna reply with something, but I see that it would go right over your head. Because I just remembered what you replied to another poster, who told a story that started out negative, but ended up being something very positive for him and how he learned a lot from it.

      Your reply were 2 gifs, one stating "LOL. DIDN'T READ!"
      And another one "Believe in yourself! Because the rest of us believe you are an idiot."

      You actually got a warning for it and it was deleted per OPs request. So, carry on : P

    12. #12
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      Fixed that for you.

      Quote Originally Posted by Aristaeus
      I thought this excerpt is a good start, but I have a few tips that could help you make it even better.

      First, be sure to double check your spelling and grammar - that will drastically improve readability. Another thing that'll help captivate the reader and encourage them to continue through the story is some kind of crucial hook to grab their attention. You could also try to convey more emotion from your characters. For example, the narrator did not act like someone whom was just betrayed by a trusted friend and locked into a cell. She seems like she's already suspicious of her "friend". Maybe a deeper description that delves into the characters' personalities and their friendship will give the whole story more depth, instead of just one-dimensional characters. I would have added a meaningful conversation to the beginning scene, and projected a more painful, hopeless atmosphere to the cell scene. Finally, I'd advise varying up your sentence structure and syntax. As it stands now, it's a little sloppy and monotone, so varying up the format can make it more appealing to the reader.

      It's a good start, but there's always room for improvement.
      Courtesy. Super simple stuff.
      "Going through life worrying about the little things is like cooking with motor oil instead of cooking oil. Sure, you can still probably pull it off, but it'll leave a bad taste in your mouth in retrospect." - Me, apparently

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    13. #13
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      I know courtesy is important and expressing strong opinions in a non-offensive manner is a skill I find worth practicing. But come on, Aristaeus post wasn´t thaaat bad. Sure, he did not at all try to hide his disappointment. But his criticism was still productive, if somewhat cynic.

      If any work of art legitimately disappoints or even upsets their viewers, then they have the right to tell that to the Author. And every Author, that doesn´t create their works purely from themselves, should strive to understand as well as possible how their works are received. This also includes dealing with negative and possibly harsh criticism, that´s part of the learning experience. And in the worst caste that means that they have to realize the gravity of their own failure. Trying to keep ones feedback to a level that won´t hurt anyone’s feelings will only make it harder for the author to understand what others really think of their works.

      I´m assuming you are worried that too harsh words will scare her away from writing. But regardless of how well one can deal with such criticism, it´s something every serious author will eventually have to face. Not everyone is nice and polite, especially on the internet. I could imagine on certain sites a story like this would receive unreasonably bad criticism. Overall, I think Aristaeus post was a good “introduction” to some less discreet criticism.
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    14. #14
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      I agree with most of your post. Yes, Aristaeus had productive criticism, hence why I was able to rewrite it by just changing a few words, and I even agree with a couple of his points. And yes, criticism is something every serious author must go through, it's what helps them improve. But did MeannCat say at any time that she was a professional author? I've reread the whole thing a couple times, and I don't see that statement anywhere.

      Quote Originally Posted by MeannCat
      Thanks for your suggestions, but in truth this was simply written out of boredom.
      It sounds to me like it's just a hobby that she felt like sharing, just because she found joy in writing it and wanted others to experience the same joy from reading it. If I had paid $20 for JK Rowling's new Harry Potter book, and the whole thing was written with shallow characters, poor plot development, and typographical errors, yeah I'd be pissed too. And I'd have a right to be pissed, she's a professional, she gets paid a ton for what she does, so anything less than her best is a ripoff (plus she would've cost me 20 bucks). But when MeannCat's sharing something she enjoys doing, not for a job but because she just likes it, it becomes less about you giving helpful criticism an more about you tearing her down, saying she is terrible at having fun.

      For example, one of my hobbies is playing video games. I suck at a lot of them, but I have fun playing, so I do it anyway. Say I upload a YouTube video of me sucking at Super Mario World, but I'm having fun doing it. The reason I'm sharing the video is not to show off how good of a player I am (because I know I'm nowhere near professional), but to hopefully share some of the joy that I get from playing the game to others - not trying to earn praise, but trying to give others joy. Then suppose a random YouTube commenter comes along and tears me down, claiming that I'm a horrible video game player, that I should be disappointed at how I can't even finish the first level without dying 5 times in a pit, and that I'll never beat the world record speedrun for completing Bowser's Castle since I can't even execute the weird little spin jump mechanic that for some reason never shows up in another 2D Mario platformer ever again. He's not criticizing my skill anymore, he's basically trying to make me feel ashamed for finding joy in such a pathetic venture. If I did try to follow their "advice", I would be ultimately changing my whole reason for doing what I do, and ultimately find less joy in it, since now I'm just doing it to seek approval from the haters. So yes, I'm concerned that harsh words might discourage her from writing, because it seems like writing is something she enjoys doing, and criticism for criticism's sake really just diminishes that joy.

      Now if someone had given me that level of criticism on my programming skills (which is actually what I want to do with my life), I would take heed, because when I'm on the job, I'm going to be designing products for others, and should strive to make it the best that it can be for other people's sake. But this really doesn't seem like the case here.

      Unfortunately, those kind of comments happen on YouTube all the time (that's another rant for another time), but I like to think that it's different here at DreamViews. We have a diverse audience of all different countries, ages, ethnicities, and religions. We each have different skills and creativities, we each have our own things we deal with each day, but we don't judge each other. Instead we look for ways to help each other, both in dreaming and in real life. I'm not saying that you need to praise everything everyone does, like the overzealous soccer mom that thinks everything their son or daughter does is the best. But you don't have to tear down someone else's pleasures just to prove a point.
      Last edited by spellbee2; 05-04-2015 at 03:01 AM.
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    15. #15
      Frigid Academic Aristaeus's Avatar
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      So yes, I'm concerned that harsh words might discourage her from writing, because it seems like writing is something she enjoys doing, and criticism for criticism's sake really just diminishes that joy.
      Just to get one thing out there, I'm not some dysfunctional cyberbully who goes around putting down others for fun; I'm just frank and logical with people--online and offline (albeit a little sarcastic at times. [Shrugs] Actually, I'm a lot nicer on the web than I am in real life. If you hate me now, well then, you'll probably want me dead if you ever meet me in person). If I think a story is good, I say so and why. If I think something's wrong with it, I say so and why. In mine opinion, you're not doing the writer any favours by buttering up the potato. To me, that's like pampering an offspring; it may make them feel good now, but it's not going to strengthen them in the long run. [Shrugs] And in mine experience, most people are going to get butt-hurt and resent you either way--whether you sugarcoat your words or not. So why take chances? Whether the person is emotionally close to me or not, if I ever think they did poorly, I tell them so--no icing on the cake. So it's not like I'm picking on the user. As one of mine college professors once told me, "You LET criticism make you inferior, not the other way around." The reason why I say such harsh things to beginner writers (or writers period) is because I believe they will overcome them and get better at their craft. After all, what better way to enjoy your hobby than to master it? [Smirks and shrugs] If nothing else, you get bragging rights along with a satisfying revenge on the heinous...malicious...villainous critic. And I get to read better stuff. So it's a two-way benefit. Heck, if I choose never to comment on a work of fiction, it's because I did not deem it worth commenting on.

      [Shrugs] So yeah. I may be cynical, but at least I'm productive.
      Be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief,
      and submit without complaint to unavoidable necessity.
      That is the way of the Stoics.



      "Do you know what happens to those who lose their true purpose?
      Inevitably, they destroy themselves." ~Saïx (Kingdom Hearts II.5)

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