Thread: Betrayal (a shortstory)

So Ink is your fursona (the one you use for your profile picture) and basically an anolouge for you, right?

Cool story. It feels like I'm reading part of a much longer story and would love to know the entire saga, but just this little bit leaves lots of mystery and allows me to imagine what happens in the rest of the story and the context of it. You could probably give a little more background and hints as to what the entire story arc is.

I think that you as the main character should have a different reaction to being captured. You have been betrayed by a close friend and taken captive. You're not going to be smiling cheerfully during that situation, you're going to have a mixture of emotions, probably anger and confusion. Perhaps denial. Even if the character is (pardon my mild language) a badass, they still have to have some kind of emotional reaction to this sort of situation. Don't make it overly dramatic, but have the character show a more emotion. It will make the story a hundred times better (particularly if it is a short one.)

Just my two cents. It's your story and ultimately you can create the art however you want.

Originally Posted by JadeGreen

So Ink is your fursona (the one you use for your profile picture) and basically an anolouge for you, right?

Cool story. It feels like I'm reading part of a much longer story and would love to know the entire saga, but just this little bit leaves lots of mystery and allows me to imagine what happens in the rest of the story and the context of it. You could probably give a little more background and hints as to what the entire story arc is.

I think that you as the main character should have a different reaction to being captured. You have been betrayed by a close friend and taken captive. You're not going to be smiling cheerfully during that situation, you're going to have a mixture of emotions, probably anger and confusion. Perhaps denial. Even if the character is (pardon my mild language) a badass, they still have to have some kind of emotional reaction to this sort of situation. Don't make it overly dramatic, but have the character show a more emotion. It will make the story a hundred times better (particularly if it is a short one.)

Just my two cents. It's your story and ultimately you can create the art however you want.

Thanks for your suggestions, but in truth this was simply written out of boredom. So was the part two. (yes there are two parts, part 2 is probably worse than this one though). I also would try to make it an actual story, but when I try to write a story like that I ultimately quit it after three or four chapters. :/

Hahaha! I know the feeling. I have been writing a story called Nightmare Hunters on and off for about six months now. The problem I run into is that I have moments scattered about that I know exactly what I want to happen. I have the main characters planned out. I just don't wanna do the work to fill in the gaps and write the rest of the story.

Come to think of it...same here.

I can always see what I want to happen in my head. Their reactions, the setting but when I try to write out the words (or in this case type out the words) it's not the same...my stories a few years ago were better than this. *shakes head* I mean if I showed you the backstory I wrote for one of my OCs it'd be twice as good as the short story I put up. At least I think, last time I checked it was better.

Wait, never mind. It was a different story. But I did find another story better than this one. X3

I thought this excerpt was very badly written.

Typos aside, for start it lacks that crucial hook that captivates the reader; I had to push mineself to get through this story. Also, the emotion (what little there is) isn't conveyed very well. The narrator did not act like someone whom was just betrayed by a trusted friend and locked into a cell. If she was already suspicious of her "friend" for a long time, or intended to be captured from the start, then maybe her demeanour would make sense. Pretty much no time whatsoever is taken to delve into the characters' personalities--as they are now, the characters are very one-dimensional. I would have added a meaningful conversation to the beginning scene, and projected a more painful, hopeless atmosphere to the cell scene. Lastly, the overall format is sloppy and monotone.

Hate to break the news, but you've boatloads of room for improvement.

I'm not sure the OP was asking for any critique.

Originally Posted by gab

I'm not sure the OP was asking for any critique.

Critique is something every writer and every artist should be grateful for, even if it is, well …brutally honest. Finding flaws in your own works can be quite hard, especially if you´d like to think they´re decent. But now that she is aware of what is missing in her story, she´s more likely to write something better next time.

Originally Posted by Creation

Critique is something every writer and every artist should be grateful for, even if it is, well …brutally honest. Finding flaws in your own works can be quite hard, especially if you´d like to think they´re decent. But now that she is aware of what is missing in her story, she´s more likely to write something better next time.

You have a point, and I agree with it partially. Constructive criticism is a good thing. I still think though, that someone shoud wait to be invited to give criticism, or perhaps not to be so brutally honest. Critique can be said in a gentle way, and it will still say the same thing, but it will not make the author feel so bad.

Originally Posted by gab

I'm not sure the OP was asking for any critique.

[Shrugs] And I'm sure forum policy doesn't forbid contructive criticism. [Smirks] Albeit unsolicited. So put down the gun, Sergeant.

Originally Posted by Creation

Critique is something every writer and every artist should be grateful for, even if it is, well …brutally honest. Finding flaws in your own works can be quite hard, especially if you´d like to think they´re decent. But now that she is aware of what is missing in her story, she´s more likely to write something better next time.

Spoken like a professional.

Originally Posted by gab

You have a point, and I agree with it partially. Constructive criticism is a good thing. I still think though, that someone shoud wait to be invited to give criticism, or perhaps not to be so brutally honest. Critique can be said in a gentle way, and it will still say the same thing, but it will not make the author feel so bad.

To be a good writer, you have to have backbone. If the author can't overcome a little practical bashing, that just means he/she doesn't have the gumption to sharpen his/her craft, much less make it as a writer. [Shrugs] In that case, I'm just saving the user from an even bigger sea of tears in the long run.

Aristaeus, I was gonna reply with something, but I see that it would go right over your head. Because I just remembered what you replied to another poster, who told a story that started out negative, but ended up being something very positive for him and how he learned a lot from it.

Your reply were 2 gifs, one stating "LOL. DIDN'T READ!"
And another one "Believe in yourself! Because the rest of us believe you are an idiot."

You actually got a warning for it and it was deleted per OPs request. So, carry on : P

Fixed that for you.

Originally Posted by Aristaeus

I thought this excerpt is a good start, but I have a few tips that could help you make it even better.

First, be sure to double check your spelling and grammar - that will drastically improve readability. Another thing that'll help captivate the reader and encourage them to continue through the story is some kind of crucial hook to grab their attention. You could also try to convey more emotion from your characters. For example, the narrator did not act like someone whom was just betrayed by a trusted friend and locked into a cell. She seems like she's already suspicious of her "friend". Maybe a deeper description that delves into the characters' personalities and their friendship will give the whole story more depth, instead of just one-dimensional characters. I would have added a meaningful conversation to the beginning scene, and projected a more painful, hopeless atmosphere to the cell scene. Finally, I'd advise varying up your sentence structure and syntax. As it stands now, it's a little sloppy and monotone, so varying up the format can make it more appealing to the reader.

It's a good start, but there's always room for improvement.

Courtesy. Super simple stuff.

I know courtesy is important and expressing strong opinions in a non-offensive manner is a skill I find worth practicing. But come on, Aristaeus post wasn´t thaaat bad. Sure, he did not at all try to hide his disappointment. But his criticism was still productive, if somewhat cynic.

If any work of art legitimately disappoints or even upsets their viewers, then they have the right to tell that to the Author. And every Author, that doesn´t create their works purely from themselves, should strive to understand as well as possible how their works are received. This also includes dealing with negative and possibly harsh criticism, that´s part of the learning experience. And in the worst caste that means that they have to realize the gravity of their own failure. Trying to keep ones feedback to a level that won´t hurt anyone’s feelings will only make it harder for the author to understand what others really think of their works.

I´m assuming you are worried that too harsh words will scare her away from writing. But regardless of how well one can deal with such criticism, it´s something every serious author will eventually have to face. Not everyone is nice and polite, especially on the internet. I could imagine on certain sites a story like this would receive unreasonably bad criticism. Overall, I think Aristaeus post was a good “introduction” to some less discreet criticism.

I agree with most of your post. Yes, Aristaeus had productive criticism, hence why I was able to rewrite it by just changing a few words, and I even agree with a couple of his points. And yes, criticism is something every serious author must go through, it's what helps them improve. But did MeannCat say at any time that she was a professional author? I've reread the whole thing a couple times, and I don't see that statement anywhere.

Originally Posted by MeannCat

Thanks for your suggestions, but in truth this was simply written out of boredom.

It sounds to me like it's just a hobby that she felt like sharing, just because she found joy in writing it and wanted others to experience the same joy from reading it. If I had paid $20 for JK Rowling's new Harry Potter book, and the whole thing was written with shallow characters, poor plot development, and typographical errors, yeah I'd be pissed too. And I'd have a right to be pissed, she's a professional, she gets paid a ton for what she does, so anything less than her best is a ripoff (plus she would've cost me 20 bucks). But when MeannCat's sharing something she enjoys doing, not for a job but because she just likes it, it becomes less about you giving helpful criticism an more about you tearing her down, saying she is terrible at having fun.

For example, one of my hobbies is playing video games. I suck at a lot of them, but I have fun playing, so I do it anyway. Say I upload a YouTube video of me sucking at Super Mario World, but I'm having fun doing it. The reason I'm sharing the video is not to show off how good of a player I am (because I know I'm nowhere near professional), but to hopefully share some of the joy that I get from playing the game to others - not trying to earn praise, but trying to give others joy. Then suppose a random YouTube commenter comes along and tears me down, claiming that I'm a horrible video game player, that I should be disappointed at how I can't even finish the first level without dying 5 times in a pit, and that I'll never beat the world record speedrun for completing Bowser's Castle since I can't even execute the weird little spin jump mechanic that for some reason never shows up in another 2D Mario platformer ever again. He's not criticizing my skill anymore, he's basically trying to make me feel ashamed for finding joy in such a pathetic venture. If I did try to follow their "advice", I would be ultimately changing my whole reason for doing what I do, and ultimately find less joy in it, since now I'm just doing it to seek approval from the haters. So yes, I'm concerned that harsh words might discourage her from writing, because it seems like writing is something she enjoys doing, and criticism for criticism's sake really just diminishes that joy.

Now if someone had given me that level of criticism on my programming skills (which is actually what I want to do with my life), I would take heed, because when I'm on the job, I'm going to be designing products for others, and should strive to make it the best that it can be for other people's sake. But this really doesn't seem like the case here.

Unfortunately, those kind of comments happen on YouTube all the time (that's another rant for another time), but I like to think that it's different here at DreamViews. We have a diverse audience of all different countries, ages, ethnicities, and religions. We each have different skills and creativities, we each have our own things we deal with each day, but we don't judge each other. Instead we look for ways to help each other, both in dreaming and in real life. I'm not saying that you need to praise everything everyone does, like the overzealous soccer mom that thinks everything their son or daughter does is the best. But you don't have to tear down someone else's pleasures just to prove a point.

So yes, I'm concerned that harsh words might discourage her from writing, because it seems like writing is something she enjoys doing, and criticism for criticism's sake really just diminishes that joy.

Just to get one thing out there, I'm not some dysfunctional cyberbully who goes around putting down others for fun; I'm just frank and logical with people--online and offline (albeit a little sarcastic at times. [Shrugs] Actually, I'm a lot nicer on the web than I am in real life. If you hate me now, well then, you'll probably want me dead if you ever meet me in person). If I think a story is good, I say so and why. If I think something's wrong with it, I say so and why. In mine opinion, you're not doing the writer any favours by buttering up the potato. To me, that's like pampering an offspring; it may make them feel good now, but it's not going to strengthen them in the long run. [Shrugs] And in mine experience, most people are going to get butt-hurt and resent you either way--whether you sugarcoat your words or not. So why take chances? Whether the person is emotionally close to me or not, if I ever think they did poorly, I tell them so--no icing on the cake. So it's not like I'm picking on the user. As one of mine college professors once told me, "You LET criticism make you inferior, not the other way around." The reason why I say such harsh things to beginner writers (or writers period) is because I believe they will overcome them and get better at their craft. After all, what better way to enjoy your hobby than to master it? [Smirks and shrugs] If nothing else, you get bragging rights along with a satisfying revenge on the heinous...malicious...villainous critic. And I get to read better stuff. So it's a two-way benefit. Heck, if I choose never to comment on a work of fiction, it's because I did not deem it worth commenting on.

[Shrugs] So yeah. I may be cynical, but at least I'm productive.