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    Thread: "You" - 1500+ Words.

    1. #1
      Member ShannonGreen's Avatar
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      "You" - 1500+ Words.

      Updated...

      Chapter 1

      You awaken in a small bedroom, wrapped up messily in a quilt. Your eyes are on the bluish dimness that comes through a window at the end reaches of your bed; you close them sequentially. You remember vaguely that you had a dream the night before, but you've forgotten it.

      "Hmm?.. That dream... A demon?!" you mutter before you fall asleep a second time...

      When you wake up, it's midday, and a sunny sky can be seen through the window. You yawn tiredly, and then shift around to get out of bed. You then move toward your wardrobe, rubbing your eyes.

      You quickly shuffle your clothes on: red socks and black underwear, followed by smart black trousers, and a white button-up shirt. You open a door, walk into the hallway outside your room, and look in the mirror.

      Your reflection is it's usual self. You have shortened black hair with a cut-into fringe, and a smooth face. Streamlined, eclipse coloured eyes are the highlight of your face, and a slightly broken nose; your mouth is feminine with dry lips, and your oval ears have earlobes to boot. You lift up your shirt to scan your abdominal, and see that you're bony and toned; and you range in about six foot, with balanced posture.

      You walk back into your bedroom and sit down at your computer that's in a derelict corner, near the door. It was left turned on from the night before. A word processor is open, and there is a theory about wisdom that you wrote in Times New Roman font. You remember an image of a demon from the earlier dream, and you try to decipher the missing parts as you type.

      After ten minutes of writing you finish off the rest of your theory. You spend a few minutes uploading it on online forums.

      The dream you had remains partial, so you decide to lay down on your bed to think. After some moments you're lost in thought, day dreaming, as time flies by.

      An hour passes...

      "I remember now!" you say as you snap back into reality. "He was Lucifer - 'the light bringer'; hah!".

      You jump off of the bed and slide back into the computer chair to write what you remembered, typing before you're fully seated.

      "I shall call this story, the light in the darkness", you say as you type it. "Lucifer, the great demon... No... No, no, no", you continue as you press delete and remove some text trying to perfect it.

      Another hour passes, and you decide to stop typing for the day.

      You boot a first person shooter video game; and then proceed to shoot at enemies and other players - it's one of your favourite pass times.

      Suddenly, from outdoors, there's a loud bang. You turn your head to the left to peer out of the window across many fields to the shore line. Your eyes are met with black smoke and a mushroom cloud over a nuclear power plant that's a few miles from your home; a layer of water is moving away from it in all directions, at high velocity.

      Water edges over hills and covers fields, ebbing ever closer, but it seems as if the force isn't powerful enough to reach anywhere near you.

      "What the fuck?" you say as you push your feet into your shoes.

      You hurry downstairs, through the hallway, kitchen and conservatory, and outside of the house. You watch the tip of the firey cloud as it fades out, eyes on the red flush that's left behind.

      You decide to do some detective work.

      You walk through the urban parts of your city, passed schools of people watching from out in the street.

      You overhear discussion about the event. The voices are coming from a group of men in front of you, who are doing what you're doing, walking onward to the scene of the explosion. You move in to investigate.

      "Hello! Do you know what happened over there?" you ask one of the men.

      He turns his head to scan you, "There was a bombing, apparently" he replies unknowingly.

      You and the men reach a point where the ground up ahead are flooded with fuzzy water. The way up to this point is blockaded by police cars and workers putting down bags of sand pre-emptively.

      Chapter 2

      An officer of the law trots up to you, at the same time signing that you and friends should move and stand behind the barriers that were placed a dozen steps back. You follow his orders and walk behind the barriers, and there you wait for more information.

      You ask the officer "What happened?" with a concerned tone.

      "That's confidential" he responds; it seems an unjust comment with all the news reporters and cameras in the vicinity.

      "No worries" you say as you leave to meet a reporter nearby.

      As you're walking along to the reporter, you see behind her in the distance a plane flying downwind, nearing a waste processing plant that's a kilometre from the first crash site. You run up the rest of the way to her and shout "Look!" pointing over yonder.

      She turns around and tries to speak, "What's...", her camera man follows suit.

      The plane falls out of the sky rapidly, and in no-time it has crashed into the plant, causing yet another explosion. Everyone around you is lit up with a red hue from the boom that's a little smaller than the first, but just as deadly.

      "Oh no..." you whimper as you turn around and look at the way back home, it's a few minutes walk. You look back at the explosion as people run away. You turn away in the jest of things, and run home, scared for the people and planet. You tilt your head now and again to watch the black smoke in the distance curl and disperse into thin air.

      When you get to your house, you open the front door, and walk through rooms, up the stairs and into your bedroom.

      You lay down on your bed, lost in thought again, paranoid about the current events.

      The two targets and who was behind the attacks are weighing on your mind. Your country has witnessed numerous terrorist attacks in the past.

      You get up to move over to your computer, but when you try to turn it on, it wont - all but a the click of the power button is functional.

      "There has been a power cut" you think as you look out of your window at the people in your street.

      With no backup energy supply, you decide to wrap yourself up in your quilt, hoping that it will all be okay.

      You begin to feel strange.

      "Is this the start of world war?!" are amongst your thoughts.

      You feel an unusual blissful paranoia, and a wet high sends your blood in a rush. All of a sudden you hallucinate, seeing visions of yourself as a teenager and your family in a harsh, desolate environment. You and your father are struggling to create basic tools, and a home out of the trash scattered around.

      You visualize a vehicle approaching your position in what had became clear to be a desert; it comes to a halt when it reaches you. Two men exit from the back of the jeep, and a driver waits in the front seat.

      Your father immediately stands still, embarrassed and alerted to the men who speak to each other in a different language. One of the men shouts at your father, and your father remains still and expressionless.

      Abruptly you are snatched away by one of the men.

      You are focused on your father's expressionless face; he looks tormented, and very unhealthy, as if he had de-evolved. The scene switches to you in the spacious car; the enemy men are seated around you.

      "Is this really me?" you think as you struggle to keep focused.

      The visualization fades out and your eyes are wide open. You are left with some disturbing memories.

      You have a frown on your face as you stand up and walk to the window. The pair of fires continue to burn brightly near the shore; the smoke had travelled as far as the urban areas a mile in.

      It's chaos out, but the jets that soar through the skies and the armoured trucks that patrol the streets make you feel secure.

      You stand at the other side of the pane until the Sun sets, watching blue and white dots as they dart around the whole city. You back step and fall onto your bed, before closing your eyes and drifting off to sleep.

      Chapter 3

      Your eyes open, and you find yourself in a dark, endless void.

      You are not able to walk, but you can spin in any direction you want, and tilt your head up, down, left and right.

      As you blink, you catch a glimpse of a something special, so you shut your eyes to study it.

      There is what seems like a black winding tunnel here; lined along the sides are hearts that one may find on a playing card.

      The symmetrical lines of hearts twirl, and seem to slow down and reverse, like a fast moving wheel.

      You look at the distant centre, and the tunnel seems to get fuller; before the centre evades your focus by ebbing left and right slightly.

      Your eyes open again, and it's no longer darkness that you're in, but instead another tunnel; except there're stars instead of hearts, and you are the one who spins.

      You spend a few moments scanning the artistry, spinning round and round until you are star-struck.

      "What the?" you say in awe, and as you do the star that you're looking at fades away. "Huh?!" you continue, and as you spin to look at the other stars, they fade, one by one, until the only stars left are the ones far below and above.

      You close your eyes a second time to find that the hearts are not there, but a full, red circle is where the centre once lay.

      You keep track of it easily, and it causes you shoot forward toward it. The circle doesn't ebb left or right but instead remains static.

      A feeling of great power comes over you and you feel as if you're able. As the circle is growing larger, and closer, a soft breeze gusts into you. Out of curiosity, you open your eyes to check what's there.

      You find that the stars have formed a path, and you're in the middle of it, but they are dimmer than they were prior.

      "Are you okay?" you say at the stars as you kneel down on the path. They react sacredly, and become brighter, and tighter, momentarily, before dimming again.

      "Is it the word?" you think in depressed tone, questioning the reality in reference to your theories of wisdom. As you think this, a lot of the stars drop into the dark, one after the other, and out of sight. You lose balance but land on another level. You were in luck as star-groups have stopped on asymmetrical levels. A make-shift staircase was formed by the sets of fallen stars.

      You carefully climb down. The stars you leave behind fall after your move from them. You manage to descend safely, and reach the bottom in four platforms.

      You're stood on what looks like nothing but dark, but feels like firm ground. There is no light, and no star remains.

      You check in on the other tunnel, and the red circle is present still; but this time it is pulsating. When you focus on it you're filled with intense fear.

      "Whoa!" you shout abruptly, and a bloody, sketch of the word 'No' appears as your voice echoes; it evades the red blotch completely.

      You're scared, and your bloodshot eyes are wide open. There is the word 'Yes', bold in blue, far ahead of you.

      You feel obliged not to speak, but you can't help but think quietly, "wha.. what?" There is no reaction, but you keep hold of the quieter attitude anyway.

      You have the choice between the path that leads to 'Yes', and the path of 'No'; and it's easy because the fear had put you off of the 'No' answer, although there was no fear when the word 'No' had eluded the blotch. The 'Yes' answer however, was not fearful; albeit lacking feeling, it's the path that you walk.

      You travel towards the blue word, and as you blink normally, the red word gets bolder and harsher, until it almost overtakes you. You are, all of a sudden, confused about the path you had taken.

      "Is this a sign?" you think eerily.

      You begin to fasten your eyelids, cautiously, but as they are near shut, you see in the blurriness the word 'Yes' break into a wavy, blue 'No', and in this moment, sadness rushes around your body and mind, and your weary eyes are back open.

      The word is 'Yes'. It's closer than ever, and you reach out to touch it...

      Suddenly, the scene changes. The transition happens so fast that you can't remember how it happened, but you're in a train.

      You take a seat, and then look around.

      The carriage is empty, bar a couple who're seated up from you.

      You remember the soft tone you made an oath to keep from earlier, and decide to keep your words to yourself for the moment.

      "Is this a dream?" you can't help but think.
      Last edited by ShannonGreen; 11-26-2015 at 10:09 AM.

    2. #2
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      I wonder, what was your thought process when you wrote this story? Because I´m there are a lot of things I´m not seeing when I look at your story. I´m not seeing how the first two chapters have any notable relation to the third one. The first chapters seem like an exposition, but to what? The third chapter is just a dream sequence(?), which was kinda hard to follow by the way. That stylistic choice in itself is not bad, but it doesn´t seem to build on the other chapters in any way.

      And then at the end of chapter three the story is just suddenly over. I just can´t see the message the story tries to bring across since it feels like it hardly started. Is this an incomplete story you plan on continuing? Because that would explain a lot.

      And lastly I can´t see how “You” is supposed to be a fitting choice for the title, since so far it has no meaningful relation to the story other than the way you refer to the protagonist. But then again if this is supposed to be continued in the future them maybe the meaning of the title choice would become apparent later.

      Before I give you critique on the actual writing I would like to know what goal you had in mind when you wrote this.
      Amedee likes this.
      You cannot defeat the devil with his own weapons, you can only replace him that way.

      Violence is for those who are too weak to solve problems with words.

    3. #3
      Member ShannonGreen's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Creation View Post
      I wonder, what was your thought process when you wrote this story? Because I´m there are a lot of things I´m not seeing when I look at your story. I´m not seeing how the first two chapters have any notable relation to the third one. The first chapters seem like an exposition, but to what? The third chapter is just a dream sequence(?), which was kinda hard to follow by the way. That stylistic choice in itself is not bad, but it doesn´t seem to build on the other chapters in any way.

      And then at the end of chapter three the story is just suddenly over. I just can´t see the message the story tries to bring across since it feels like it hardly started. Is this an incomplete story you plan on continuing? Because that would explain a lot.

      And lastly I can´t see how “You” is supposed to be a fitting choice for the title, since so far it has no meaningful relation to the story other than the way you refer to the protagonist. But then again if this is supposed to be continued in the future them maybe the meaning of the title choice would become apparent later.

      Before I give you critique on the actual writing I would like to know what goal you had in mind when you wrote this.
      It's not over at Chapter 3, I plan to update this with more chapters.

      I'm not going to ruin the story for everyone, if you want the low-down, private message me!

      The title "You" is symbolic to the story; what's present is an unfinished project.

      Here is the beginning of Chapter 4 (that I'm currently writing).

      You look back around and up along at the couple, but they have disappeared. On the ground by their seat is a crumpled magazine. You walk over to examine it.

      You pick up the magazine and read the title 'Pandemonium', and there are swirling colours - beautiful, intense colours all over the front cover. You turn to the first page and skim read the words, while truly appriciating the imagery. The information suggests that Pandemonium is a place, and that it's your destination.

      You put down the magazine, and forgetfully you think "Pandemonium, eh?".

      Suddenly you hear a crank sound, the train starts to lock up. You are tossed onto your back.

      The carriage shakes, and the lights stutter on and off in the commotion; when just as suddenly as it started, it ends with a deadly and powerful crash. Time slows for some moments, and your vision turns to black.

      You awaken in a cold sweat, and sense that you're in bed, in your room, at home.

      You immediately sit up, and briefly think about the dream. It's all as clear as day.

      After you catch up with your thoughts, you remember the nature of what's happening in your city, and so you drag yourself in your quilt, over to the window.

      You wipe the coated pane to see outside of your house and scattered around the city are armoured trucks, anti-air batteries, and soldiers.

      Upon closer inspection, the fires of yesterdays explosions continue to burn brightly.

    4. #4
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      Quote Originally Posted by ShannonGreen View Post
      It's not over at Chapter 3, I plan to update this with more chapters.
      In that case it was a bit misleading to proudly proclaim the word count of a story which is flat out incomplete. Anyway here are a few of my thoughts on your writing so far.

      You awaken in a small bedroom, wrapped up messily in a quilt. Your eyes are on the bluish dimness that comes through a window at the end reaches of your bed; you close them sequentially.
      The story starts with very detailed descriptions of the scene, which greatly helps the readers visualization of it. However the descriptions richness in detail seems a bit inconsistent though out the story. Some sentences feel a bit sloppily worded in comparison.

      When you get to your house, you open the front door, and walk through rooms, up the stairs and into your bedroom.
      When it comes to sentences like these I think you can do better, but maybe I´m just a bit nitpicky here.



      A more notable flaw I see in this paragraph.
      Suddenly, from outdoors, there's a loud bang. You turn your head to the left to peer out of the window across many fields to the shore line. Your eyes are met with black smoke and a mushroom cloud over a nuclear power plant that's a few miles from your home; a layer of water is moving away from it in all directions, at high velocity.
      I suppose this is supposed to be a major turning point in the story and yet I can hardly take it seriously. To me it just feels just so out of nowhere. The reason for that is because the paragraph seems a bit ‘unprepared ‘ for its important task. It simply lacks the power it takes to make the impact its supposed to and it is too short to really ‘let it sink’ for the reader.



      Overall the story generally feels a bit ‘lacking’ to me. Reading through the whole thing felt a bit like a chore it because there is nothing that really carries it well. The tension curve seems rather stale and the few tense parts weren´t very powerful. The writing itself wasn´t interesting enough to make up for it. The story feels more like ‘just a series of events’ instead of an actual ‘story’, if that makes sense.

      I don’t know how helpful my advice really is but this is all I can give you along your journey.
      You cannot defeat the devil with his own weapons, you can only replace him that way.

      Violence is for those who are too weak to solve problems with words.

    5. #5
      Member ShannonGreen's Avatar
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      Chapter 1

      You awaken in a small bedroom, wrapped up messily in a quilt. Your weary eyes are on a blue dim that comes through a window at the end reaches of your bed; you close them sequentially. You remember vaguely that you had a dream the night before, but you've forgotten it.

      "Hmm?.. That dream... A demon?!" you mutter before you fall asleep a second time...

      When you wake up, it's midday, and a sunny sky can be seen through the window. You yawn tiredly, and then shift around to get out of bed. As you rub your eyes, you move toward a wardrobe that's led against the opposite wall to the window.

      You pick clothes from the wardrobe, and shuffle them on. You dress yourself in white cotton socks and black underwear, followed by smart black trousers, and a designer white button-up shirt.

      You open a door that's to the left of the wardrobe, away from your bed. You're lacing the buttons on your shirt as you step into a hallway.

      As soon as you're out of your room, you look into a full body mirror that's leant cheaply against the wall at the end of the hallway. You walk up to it, and as you near it, your reflection becomes clearer and sharper. You look up and directly at your face.

      You spend a moment enhancing your best and worst features. You button up the topmost button of your shirt, and take one final glance at the mirror.

      You walk up to an opening to the right of the mirror that leads to a bathroom. There is a sink, shower and toilet in the room.

      You move to the sink and pick up a bar of soap from off the side of it. You turn on the tap and wash your face thoroughly for five minutes, the splashes of water and soap crossing your skin sound in your ears.

      You dry your face with a warm towel, taken from a heated radiator to the left of the sink. When dry, you put the towel back, grab a tube of toothpaste and a normal toothbrush from the side of the sink, and combine the two sensibly. You start to brush your teeth, removing the recent grit and plague, until they are nice and white.

      When you have finished in the bathroom, you walk back through the hallway and into your bedroom.

      Instinctively you sit down on a computer chair, at a switched-on personal computer in the corner to the right of the window. You forgot to turn it off last night.

      A word processor is open, and there is a half-finished theory about wisdom that you wrote in Times New Roman font. You try to amend and complete it.

      You remember an image of the demon from the earlier dream, and you attempt to decipher what had happened as you tap at the keyboard.

      After ten minutes of writing you finish off the rest of your theory. You spend a few minutes uploading it on online forums.

      The dream you had remains partial, so you decide to lay down on your bed to think. After some moments you're lost in thought, day dreaming, as time flies by.

      An hour passes...

      "I remember now!" you say as you snap back into reality. "He was Lucifer - 'the light bringer'; hah!".

      You jump off of the bed and slide back into the computer chair to write what you remembered, typing before you're fully seated.

      "I shall call this story, the light in the darkness", you say as you type it. "Lucifer, the great demon... No..." you continue as you press delete and remove some text trying to perfect it.

      Some time later you decide to stop typing for the day.

      You boot a first person shooter video game from a game client. You put on your expensive headphones, and then shoot other players - it's one of your favourite pass times. You play a few matches with your online friends, before you settle down to watch some random videos on a website.

      Your eyes are squared from looking at the screen, and you're struggling to think as you watch a documentary about nature, when out of nowhere there is a loud boom that pierces your headphones.

      You swivel around in the chair and peer out of the window, across many fields to the shoreline. You are lit up with red as you discover the source; an explosion that's much bigger than any other you've experienced offline. You take off your headphones and stand up in a strange awe.

      The fiery mushroom cloud is of epic proportions, but moving away from it at high speeds is a layer of water that you think may reach your house.

      "What the fuck?" you say as you push your feet into your camouflage-print trainers.

      You hurry downstairs and through another hallway; through a kitchen and conservatory, and open the front door that leads to your street. You take a step outside, and wait in your garden.

      In the nearby streets are people who scream and shout in panic; some of them are running away or escaping in their cars.

      You look left and up, and watch the now black and grey cloud as it disperses and becomes imperfect.

      You do not drive, so there's no escaping what you hope doesn't happen.

      You go back through the front door, locking it shut behind you, and all the way to your bedroom. You try to turn on your computer, but there is no reaction when you press the on-button.

      "There has been a power cut" you think as you look out of your window at the people in your street.

      With no backup energy supply, you decide to wrap yourself up in your quilt, hoping that it will all be okay.

      You begin to feel strange.

      "Is this the start of world war?!" are amongst your thoughts.

      You feel an unusual paranoia, and a wet high zaps your mind.

      All of a sudden you hallucinate, seeing visions of yourself as a teenager, with your family in a harsh environment. You and your father are struggling to create basic tools, and a home out of the trash scattered around.

      A vehicle is approaching your position in what had became clear to be a desert; it comes to a halt when it reaches you.

      Two men armed with assault weapons exit from the back of the jeep, and a driver waits in the front seat.

      Your father immediately stands still, embarrassed and alerted to the men who speak to each other in a different language.

      One of the men shouts at your father, and your father remains still and expressionless.

      Abruptly you are snatched away by one of the men.

      You are focused on your father's expressionless face; he looks tormented, and very unhealthy, as if he had de-evolved. The scene switches to you inside the spacious jeep; the enemy men are seated around you.

      "Is this really me?" you think as you struggle to keep focused.

      The visualization fades out and your eyes are wide open. You are left with some disturbing memories.

      You have a frown on your face as you stand up and walk to the window. Fires continues to burn brightly near the shore, and their smoke had travelled as far as the urban areas a mile in.

      It's chaos out, but the jets that soar through the skies and the armoured trucks that patrol the streets make you feel secure.

      You stand at the other side of the pane until the Sun sets, watching blue and white dots as they dart around the whole city. You back step and fall onto your bed, before closing your eyes and drifting off to sleep.

      Chapter 2

      Your eyes open, and you find yourself in a dark, endless void.

      You are not able to walk, but you can spin in any direction you want, and tilt your head up, down, left and right.

      As you blink, you catch a glimpse of a something special, so you shut your eyes to study it.

      There is what seems like a black winding tunnel here; lined along the sides are hearts that one may find on a playing card.

      The symmetrical lines of hearts twirl, and seem to slow down and reverse, like a fast moving wheel.

      You look at the distant centre, and the tunnel seems to get fuller; before the centre evades your focus by ebbing left and right slightly.

      Your eyes open again, and it's no longer darkness that you're in, but instead another tunnel; except there're stars instead of hearts, and you are the one who spins.

      You spend a few moments scanning the artistry, spinning round and round until you are star-struck.

      "What the?" you say in awe, and as you do the star that you're looking at fades away. "Huh?!" you continue, and as you spin to look at the other stars, they fade, one by one, until the only stars left are the ones far below and above.

      You close your eyes a second time to find that the hearts are not there, but a full, red circle is where the centre once lay.

      You keep track of it easily, and it causes you shoot forward toward it. The circle doesn't ebb left or right but instead remains static.

      A feeling of great power comes over you and you feel as if you're able. As the circle is growing larger, and closer, a soft breeze gusts into you. Out of curiosity, you open your eyes to check what's there.

      You find that the stars have formed a path, and you're in the middle of it, but they are dimmer than they were prior.

      "Are you okay?" you say at the stars as you kneel down on the path. They react sacredly, and become brighter, and tighter, momentarily, before dimming again.

      "Is it the word?" you think in depressed tone, questioning the reality in referrence to your theories of wisdom. As you think this, a lot of the stars drop into the dark, one after the other, and out of sight. You lose balance but land on another level. You were in luck as star-groups have stopped on asymmetrical levels. A make-shift staircase was formed by the sets of fallen stars.

      You carefully climb down. The stars you leave behind fall after your move from them. You manage to descend safely, and reach the bottom in four platforms.

      You're stood on what looks like nothing but dark, but feels like firm ground. There is no light, and no star remains.

      You check in on the other tunnel, and the red circle is present still; but this time it is pulsating. When you focus on it you are filled with intense fear.

      "Whoa!" you shout abruptly, and a bloody, sketch of the word 'No' appears as your voice echoes; it evades the red blotch completely.

      You're scared, and your bloodshot eyes are wide open. There is the word 'Yes', bold in blue, far ahead of you.

      You feel obliged not to speak, but you can't help but think quietly, "wha.. what?" There is no reaction, but you keep hold of the quieter attitude anyway.

      You have the choice between the path that leads to 'Yes', and the path of 'No'; and it's easy because the fear had put you off of the 'No' answer, although there was no fear when the word 'No' had eluded the blotch. The 'Yes' answer however, was not fearful; albeit lacking feeling, it's the path that you walk.

      You travel towards the blue word, and as you blink normally, the red word gets bolder and harsher, until it almost overtakes you. You are, all of a sudden, confused about the path you had taken.

      "Is this a sign?" you think eerily.

      You begin to fasten your eyelids, cautiously, but as they are near shut, you see in the blurriness the word 'Yes' break into a wavy, blue 'No', and in this moment, sadness rushes around your body and mind, and your weary eyes are back open.

      The word is 'Yes'. It's closer than ever, and you reach out to touch it...

      Suddenly, the scene changes. The transition happens so fast that you can't remember how it happened, but you're in a train.

      You take a seat, and then look around.

      The carriage is empty, bar a couple who're seated up from you.

      You remember the soft tone you made an oath to keep from earlier, and decide to keep your words to yourself for the moment.

      "Am I dreaming?" you can't help but think.

      I've cut out chapter 2, and re-wrote chapter 1. What are your thoughts?
      Last edited by ShannonGreen; 11-29-2015 at 07:04 PM.

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