You kissed then I kissed,
Stumbling, synchronized.
This must be how infants feel
When even breathing is new.
I remember the wall
Against my back.
Come back.
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You kissed then I kissed,
Stumbling, synchronized.
This must be how infants feel
When even breathing is new.
I remember the wall
Against my back.
Come back.
Replace "Come back" with "Come home", and it works perfectly.
Eghem, Marvo, it is considered quite bad tone to tell someone to replace something in a poem.
I'm not fond of non-rhyming styles so I can't really put forward any constructive criticism...so I'll just say - small but meaningful, great.
Though i do like the poem, i agree with Marvo that "Come Home" would make a better ending, only my opinion though
I disagree with lucid and marvo... I think the repetition of 'back' is a lot better than 'home'.
Nice poem; the only problem I (personally) have with it is the second line... aren't stumbling and synchronized pretty much opposites?
Isn't that the beauty of it though?Quote:
Originally Posted by Pensive Patrick
Don't change a thing.
This is where good poetry gets mistaken with pretentious poetry. Some people think that if something doesn't make sense, then it must be really deep. Yes, poetry may sometimes take a while to figure out, but it shouldn't be nonsensical.Quote:
Originally Posted by pj
My apologies to the poet if there was a genuine meaning behind that line.
I know nothing about poetry and I don't claim to, but to me, an enjoyable poem is one I can form a story around or imagine how the writer or the subject must have felt when it was written. For me that's a good poem, and I like this one. ;)
I actually really appreciate the comments. It's never bad form to add in your two cents to my poetry, in my opinion at least. I wrote this at 1 in the morning last night when I was thinking about this girl I miss. Now that I read it in the sober light of day, I don't really like the second line, either. Kinda breaks up the flow. I'm keeping 'come back,' though.
Thanks so much for the honest reviews!
I don't know if it's the way I read it, but that made sense. Kind of like, at first it was stumbling, then it was synchronized.Quote:
You kissed then I kissed,
Stumbling, synchronized.
No gripe, I like it.
I think you should read my poetry thread and tell me what you think. Us poets gotta stick together!