"Man" - (Looking for criticism)

**O'nus** · 06-02-2004 01:11 AM

A'hoy hoy,

For anyone taking the time to criticise my work, my thanks to you! I hope to return the favour!

I am hoping to publish a poem of my own style to a publishing offer, however, I need some criticism and what better place then a message board? I've been working on this piece for a little (if anyone has noticed, there is one line in the poem that is has been in my signature for a little while).

This is indeed a rough draft of the poem so please feel free to tear apart and rip me a new literate hole.

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Man

A crippled planet cries in agony for sympathetic euthanasia
While a festering swarm picks the rotting corpse

Hoards of headless, child-like marionettes, riot
Convulsing from lack of security and weeping loneliness

Families skewer and commit autoposies on the children of others
And use the innards to crown their own decaying offspring

Countries vommit on their own people as they murder
While clouds rain death upon gardens of innocence

Babies wrapped in nooses made from television cords
Are choked and torn from the womb by greed
To be lacerated by the pastel colors of super stores

Elder graveyards of crosses are ensormed by corporate flames
Stolen corpses are raped by tyranical politics

Poisoned angels fall from a bleeding sky and burning heaven
To be impaled by the selfish ignorance of man

And then the sun rose

Crowds hold honds in perseverance
Battling the mocking wind against their faces together

Orphans battle with rusted swords and a face full of courage
Will of diseased bodies to be happy and for others to be confident

Laughter and innocence resurrect ruined parks
Children of smiles dream of dancing

Lonely souls are shown gardens by gentle hands
Kindred flames embrace under blessed lagoon skies

Mothers weep proud tears for their beloved's children
Fathers weep joyous tears for giving their beloved

New born lives bring smiles to all
As they pick a soft carnation of love

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Thank you for your time

**KalmaH** · 06-02-2004 02:00 AM

I hate happy endings... but that's me.

Weird that you mentioned your signature... for some reason I can't put it together with the rest of your poem. Other than that it is very good. I was visualizing everything you wrote... highly creative.

**wasup** · 06-02-2004 02:20 AM

WTF...?

I don't get it

**Howie** · 06-02-2004 02:45 AM

As the poem shifted from the darker side to the lighter side I noticed that some of the negetive issues were not addressed on the happy side. Not like you have to. There are really know rules. To actually account one good thing for every bad thing is not what I mean either. I think the first half of the poem was written vivid enough to draw you in and then when the change accurs, it seems to happen too quickly. A very descriptive beginning and BOOM! The next thing you know the poem is over and you smell the roses.
I like it. It just feels like there is somthing missing from the latter part of the poem.

**Barbizzle** · 06-05-2004 11:04 PM

I like it, the sun makes me happy

PS: i have noticed wasup has had an extreamly bad attitide on this bord. what are the requirements for geting kicked off?

also, u have no evil smilies!

**Evanescent** · 06-06-2004 06:21 AM

It gave me a bad dream. And it wasn't lucid it was extremely freakish

**WerBurN** · 06-19-2004 04:53 PM

i like it...i mean, other than the happy ending...its a backwards twist...thats why it feels wierd...think about it, generally a twist in the story goes down...maybe left or right...but never up...but this story twists up, which is odd...cause we're all awaiting that last complication or negative thing, and he deosnt give it to us...its almost like one last unsaid thing to be said about humans isnt it? we're looking for the negative, and when its missing it feels wrong...hah...very nice

**Evanescent** · 06-20-2004 01:25 AM

Why would the writer do that. No one would like it.

**O'nus** · 06-20-2004 04:11 AM

Originally posted by Evanescent
Why would the writer do that. No one would like it.

Are you saying no one likes my poem?

**LewisM** · 06-20-2004 08:36 AM

Personally, I like to see the bright side of things, so it was relieving to see a positive part to that poem.

I liked that, the images were clear and it brought some subjects of the world into new light for me.

**Evanescent** · 06-20-2004 09:09 PM

Originally posted by O'nus+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(O'nus)</div>

<!--QuoteBegin-Evanescent

Why would the writer do that. No one would like it.

Are you saying no one likes my poem?

[/b]

No i just misunderstood WerBurN. I liked it but i gave me a bad dream all the same.

**Howie** · 06-22-2004 02:48 AM

Why would the writer do that. No one would like it.

Are you saying no one likes my poem?

[quote]

Why would the writer do that. No one would like it.

I will critique the critisizer! That is a dumb thing to say. If you can get it to work wether it be art, writing, or music, nothing is wrong or stupid. And as far as any art: One mans trash is another mans treasure.

**ffx-dreamz** · 06-22-2004 03:24 AM

Dude, that was the freaking SuXXor, don't quit your day job!

j/k
It was pretty cool, very nice indeed.

**jacobo** · 06-23-2004 05:41 AM

A crippled planet cries in agony for sympathetic euthanasia
While a festering swarm picks the rotting corpse

worldwide problem turns into a group of people.

Hoards of headless, child-like marionettes, riot
Convulsing from lack of security and weeping loneliness

group of ignorance turns into fear

Families skewer and commit autoposies on the children of others
And use the innards to crown their own decaying offspring

typo. a cross section of youth (???) is used to better kids (???) (kinda lost)

Countries vommit on their own people as they murder
While clouds rain death upon gardens of innocence

typo. iraq war reference leads into bombings of civilians/innocence

Babies wrapped in nooses made from television cords
Are choked and torn from the womb by greed
To be lacerated by the pastel colors of super stores

lies in the media concerning the war... truth is undercut by advertisements and superficial 'needs'

[quote]Elder graveyards of crosses are ensormed by corporate flames
Stolen corpses are raped by tyranical

typo. what does ensormed mean? is that a freaky deaky canadian word? atrocities performed by the media in order to make money.

Poisoned angels fall from a bleeding sky and burning heaven
To be impaled by the selfish ignorance of man

the assumptions of man concerning faith/religion

And then the sun rose

a change (???)

Crowds hold honds in perseverance
Battling the mocking wind against their faces together

typo. people see the lies and unite.

Orphans battle with rusted swords and a face full of courage
Will of diseased bodies to be happy and for others to be confident

upbeat.

Laughter and innocence resurrect ruined parks
Children of smiles dream of dancing

yet more happy stuff.

Lonely souls are shown gardens by gentle hands
Kindred flames embrace under blessed lagoon skies

love stuff.

Mothers weep proud tears for their beloved's children
Fathers weep joyous tears for giving their beloved

pride in what has changed.

New born lives bring smiles to all
As they pick a soft carnation of love

babies!

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while every thing is well worded i kinda felt lost there in the middle. it sort of shifted from a focus on human behavior then focused on the media and lies/greed... while that’s human behavior the focus was more on the lies themselves. -- then i guess the sun rises and everyone sees the truth rather than all the crap that was being fed to them and they change for the better? i don't know.

i liked it but i was lost in some parts. perhaps it was just over me.