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    Thread: Mah Poeem

    1. #1
      Member pubbles's Avatar
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      Mah Poeem

      A poem I wrote. Crap is welcome. Praise is not.

      Also, pardon any typos.

      -----------------------------------
      Give a song (<--crappy title)

      For you, the world, I give a song
      And Hell sees Heaven's light
      And all that once ago was wrong
      Will be ressurected right.

      A rocky hollow below me lies
      And crumbles into the dark
      A heavy wind is on the rise
      To carry the war dog's bark.

      An angel, a deamon, upon a hill
      Fire an light dance side by side
      A shriek of life rings loud and shrill
      And the creatures of the earth all hide.

      A war, a clash of stone and steel
      Deep beneath the ground;
      Crimson life refuses to heal
      Torn deep by the treacherous hound.

      Then one warrior raises his weapon high,
      His enemy brutally slain,
      The ground beneath it left to die
      And stay scarred by the dead one's pain.

      Which had won? The right or wrong?
      The answer is hidden away.
      For you, the world, I give a song
      Now bury it for enevitable decay.

      -----------------------------------

      I have only a vague idea of what it means myself, so don't ask. The meaning seems a little different every time you read it.

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    2. #2
      Member pubbles's Avatar
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      Someone... ANYONE! I want some critisism, dammit!

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    3. #3
      He will have his revenge Aphius's Avatar
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      Re: Mah Poeem

      Originally posted by pubbles
      Crap is welcome. Praise is not.
      These are the tears that I dream about...

    4. #4
      Member insanejester's Avatar
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      critisism

      constuctive critisism-------->You have a nice story going, i would work on the words you used... you cant sacrifice the meaning for the rhyme... its like sacrificing a queen to get a pawn in chess.... sure u can still win... but it aint as ez... poetry is about the feeling..... you had deep emotion, but hindered it with your wording... try going to here:
      http://www.rhymezone.com/
      and find some better words and reword it.
      practise makes perfect..... i bet it you keep on trying to improve yourself, within a month youll see magor changes...


      destructive critisism--------->HFM (HOLY F***IN MARRY) that sucked ANUS!!!















      nah jus kiddin... i liked the message..... lil to midevil for me though.

      Truth, Peace, Love, Revolution, and Unity
      -Raised by OpheliaBlue-

    5. #5
      Member pubbles's Avatar
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      I wrote it at three in the morning after working on my fantasy novel...
      I usually don't do rhyming, which is why my rhyming skills suck
      I guess I'll just stick with the non-rhyming type of poetry for the most part, although maybe a little practice would be good.

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    6. #6
      Member kalam's Avatar
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      Class, I loved the last line. (if you screw your eyes up and read it backwards it's not praise!) Fantasy novel? I'm intrigued..... do tell. Is it like Steven Erickson? Terry Pratchet?

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