Mah Poeem

**pubbles** · 07-05-2004 08:27 AM

A poem I wrote. Crap is welcome. Praise is not.

Also, pardon any typos.

-----------------------------------
Give a song (<--crappy title)

For you, the world, I give a song
And Hell sees Heaven's light
And all that once ago was wrong
Will be ressurected right.

A rocky hollow below me lies
And crumbles into the dark
A heavy wind is on the rise
To carry the war dog's bark.

An angel, a deamon, upon a hill
Fire an light dance side by side
A shriek of life rings loud and shrill
And the creatures of the earth all hide.

A war, a clash of stone and steel
Deep beneath the ground;
Crimson life refuses to heal
Torn deep by the treacherous hound.

Then one warrior raises his weapon high,
His enemy brutally slain,
The ground beneath it left to die
And stay scarred by the dead one's pain.

Which had won? The right or wrong?
The answer is hidden away.
For you, the world, I give a song
Now bury it for enevitable decay.

-----------------------------------

I have only a vague idea of what it means myself, so don't ask. The meaning seems a little different every time you read it.

**pubbles** · 07-08-2004 07:43 AM

Someone... ANYONE! I want some critisism, dammit!

**Aphius** · 07-08-2004 11:00 AM

Originally posted by pubbles
Crap is welcome. Praise is not.

**insanejester** · 07-08-2004 03:47 PM

constuctive critisism-------->You have a nice story going, i would work on the words you used... you cant sacrifice the meaning for the rhyme... its like sacrificing a queen to get a pawn in chess.... sure u can still win... but it aint as ez... poetry is about the feeling..... you had deep emotion, but hindered it with your wording... try going to here:
http://www.rhymezone.com/
and find some better words and reword it.
practise makes perfect..... i bet it you keep on trying to improve yourself, within a month youll see magor changes...

destructive critisism--------->HFM (HOLY F***IN MARRY) that sucked ANUS!!!

nah jus kiddin... i liked the message..... lil to midevil for me though.

**pubbles** · 07-08-2004 07:57 PM

I wrote it at three in the morning after working on my fantasy novel...
I usually don't do rhyming, which is why my rhyming skills suck

I guess I'll just stick with the non-rhyming type of poetry for the most part, although maybe a little practice would be good.

**kalam** · 07-24-2004 12:53 AM

Class, I loved the last line. (if you screw your eyes up and read it backwards it's not praise!) Fantasy novel? I'm intrigued..... do tell. Is it like Steven Erickson? Terry Pratchet?

Thread: Mah Poeem

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Display

Mah Poeem

Re: Mah Poeem

critisism

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions