The Random Ramblings of a Madman

I don't draw or animate or do any of the other cool things you people can do. Instead I write. Since one of my new year's resolutions is to write one hour a day, I'll probably have a lot more writings produced. Since I have I'll have more writings produced, I want people to read and criticize them in hopes of bettering myself at writing.

This is one of the more intellectual online communities I've come across (I really mean that) so you have been privelidged to read the random things I scrawl on paper. Most of the things I write are about or based in a fantasy world I have been developing for quite some time.

First up, I have a screenplay for a short film I had to write for Writer's Craft. As some of you know, I had to write a 10 page screenplay and was having trouble coming up with an idea. Some you wonderful people in chat (names escape me) came up with some really original ideas (:roll:) when I consulted you. Sure enough, my imagination didn't fail me and planted an idea in my head. While I didn't use any of your ideas, I greatly appreciate your willingness to help. It is due tomorrow, so your criticisms aren't going to help me get a better mark, but they're welcome nonetheless.

So here it is: Beware Your Greed (It's a PDF so make sure you have Adobe Acrobat Reader)

Hmm, nobody wants to comment on my screenplay. Why is that? Is the prospect of reading 12 pages to intimidating? Or was it so good it left you speechless? Don't be afraid to comment or criticise my works. I promise I won't bite...hard.

Anyhoo, I thought I'd post another piece of writing. It's a monologue of a torturer speaking to his victim. I call it:


The Other Side of the Board Game

Wake up, Mr. Bethlem. Wake up.
You’ve been out cold for 12 hours.
Perhaps I hit your head too hard.
Where do you think you are?
I may have blindfolded you,
But I certainly haven’t bound your nostrils shut.
Take a whiff of the air, Mr. Bethlem.
Wonderfully putrid, isn’t it?
The shit and piss of a hundred thousand people
Flows not three feet from you.
Why? Because if nobody up top can smell what’s down here,
They certainly won’t be able to hear the screams.
Ha ha ha!
Do you really think I’d tell you my name, Mr. Bethlem?
C’mon, you’ve been on this side of the game far too many times.
You know how this works.
And you are finally going to find out
What the other side of the board experiences.
You’ve angered many of my clients, Mr. Bethlem.
You demanded briberies from the merchants.
Mrs. Kerway of the jewellery store,
She wasn’t too happy that you forced more out of her
Because of the nature of her merchandise.
Heh, most of it’s fake anyways.
You blackmailed the priest, Father Leshor.
The prospect of having his pedophilia exposed
Made him take desperate measures.
Somebody’ll probably hire me to take him out next.
The sick bastard.
Did you enjoy young Seela Narathor’s virginity?
I hope it was worth it.
Lord Narathor is making sure you pay.
Didn’t you hear? She got pregnant and blurted the story.
Someone of your position should be better informed.
The list goes on and on, Mr. Bethlem.
Each client has paid me a significant amount of money.
They’ve paid for your death,
And most have requested it be a painful one.
Yes, you would want to kill them all. I know I would.
But it’s too late for you to do that now.
Now, you see this knife?
Hah! Get it, Mr. Bethlem? You’re blindfolded.
I didn’t expect you to find it funny.
Your kind has no sense of humour.
Anyways, this knife is made of sea mythril.
It can cut through diamonds like cake.
You’re probably thinking I’m an idiot, Mr. Bethlem.
After all, the sharper the knife, the less pain.
I just happen to have a keg of whiskey here.
We both know what a fun combination
Liquor and raw flesh are.
It’ll be even more fun to dice your fingers like carrots.
And this, Mr. Bethlem, is just the beginning.
Stop wriggling, Mr. Bethlem.
It’ll just make the ropes tighter.
What’s the matter?
Considering all the pain you’ve dished out yourself
I was hoping you could handle receiving some.
You’re even less of a man than I thought.
Yes, I suppose I could be merciful
And just slit your throat now.
I could lie to my clients about the horrors you suffered.
But, aside from the fact that it would be no fun,
That would deprive me of exacting my own revenge.
Do you remember, Mr. Bethlem, fifteen years ago?
The little apple thief in the market?
Finding out the penalty for thieving is torture ‘til death
Was certainly a shock for me.
Isn’t it ironic, how the tables have turned?
Unfortunately for you, there is no escaping this time around.
Trust me, Mr. Bethlem, it’s for the better.
The people will rejoice when they find out
Head Guard Bethlem of Rashnoran City is dead.

:clap:

I haven't read the first one. (12 pages is a bit daunting ;))

I very much liked the second one. It was very entertaining, but I was expecting some sort of twist at the end, as generally these monologues go. Because of that, the ending was a little disappointing, but overall it was very good.

Yeah, but I couldn't think of much. I thought the fact that he's about to torture the head of authority, not some mobster, was enough. But I guess it was easy to see coming.
A better twist...hmm...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kushna Mufeed

Yeah, but I couldn't think of much. I thought the fact that he's about to torture the head of authority, not some mobster, was enough. But I guess it was easy to see coming.
A better twist...hmm...

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Don't get me wrong, I very much liked it.

I couldn't really see it coming, but it wasn't really twist-ish or unexpected. It was just kind of ...there. But yeah.:P I'm trying to come up with a decent twist but everything I come up with is cliched or happened in the Twilight Zone.:?