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    1. #1
      Member Kaniaz's Avatar
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      The End

      NB: If you're softhearted, you may find this moderately small story a bit upsetting to you, and it could make the rest of your day a bit depressing. It's up to you wether you read on. It's a bit crap I think, but there you go.



      It was August 23rd, 1999. It was raining outside, the occasional rumble of thunder. Alice's mother was kneeling next to her 9 year old daughter's deathbed. Alice had always been a sickly child, but not once did her mother expect it to come to this. She was staring into her daughter's beautiful blue eyes. Even when she was terminally ill, her eyes always managed to look beautiful and lively. However, it was different this time. They looked cold and lifeless.

      Her mother knew she would not pull through this time. She tried to hold back her tears; she did not want to upset her daughter in what was obviously going to be her last hour alive- but she could not stop herself. She had been through too much. All of her relatives, even her lover, dead...and now, the only thing that kept her living, was about to fade away before her.

      She just kneeled there, crying silently. The daughter's head slowly turned to look at her mother. She spoke softly.

      "Mother? What is wrong?" It was obviously straining the poor child to get the words out. "Why are you crying?"

      She did her best to dry her eyes and looked up at her daughter. For a moment there was silence. Then she spoke equally softly:
      "Nothing. It will be alright."

      As soon as she finished saying this, her daughter nodded minutely in acknowledgment, before closing her eyes. It took only a few seconds for her mother to relaise she was gone. Her daughter laid there on the bed, silent and still, still clutching her teddybear.

      It was too much. She collapsed into tears once again. Thirty minutes later, she wobbled to the medicine cupboard, taking some anti-depressant. She went to her own bed, and settled down to sleep.

      She never awoke again.

      ___

      Tell me what you think. it's a short story so the characters hardly had any time to "turn into" something. I did have some basic facts sorted out, like what she died of, why she died, what happened to the mother, but I thought it had more emotion when they were hidden, mere background information.

    2. #2
      Member Awaken's Avatar
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      Dying innocence depressing, using the 'look' of the eyes, always a good tactic for emotion. Could have been more gripping though...
      In this crazy world if they don't consider you mad, then you have no confirmation of your own sanity, do you?
      Imagine if this crazy world thought you were sane?! Oh my God, worst nightmare!
      -David Icke

    3. #3
      Member Kaniaz's Avatar
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      Yeah, I think it would of been much better if I had prolonged the death a bit longer. But I wanted it to be short because I felt bored and wanted to try my hand at writing something, since I haven't for a while, and I can hardly stick: "[please wait 5 minutes for the emotions to sink in before continuing]".

      If I had continued it, I would of had a part describing the stillness of the house, the thunder still rumbling. (In a movie, if I was a director, I would have it silent for like, 30 seconds, except for the rain and thunder then fade out.)

      There is a more complicated reason as to why she died than just some illness, and, while it would seem that her mother had either died of chronic depression or (as I had intended for most readers to deduce), that she had took an overdose, it wasn't.

      I didn't really introduce the scene very well. Perhaps a more nicer part at the start with the mother playing with her daughter, then coming to the grimmer part could of created a much better impact and emotion, and helped describe the surrounding area (which, in my minds eye, is a very remote area with beautiful surroundings), creating what I think would be just the right setting for a real crying part.

    4. #4
      Rotaredom Howie's Avatar
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      Good to here from you in the Artist's Corner Kaniaz.
      I suggest try your hand at it some more.


      And don't cut it short.

    5. #5
      Member insanejester's Avatar
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      ....

      it sux being victim to emotional manipulation through literature....
      u should have definantly evolved the characters to make it more personal....
      your good.. keep it up... i still dont like u though..... i think its your avatar.. really annoying....

      Truth, Peace, Love, Revolution, and Unity
      -Raised by OpheliaBlue-

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