Let me know if this at all disqualifies me. Its a loose interpretation of the subject, "death", and you may want to withhold me from the contest.
Its as a spoiler because I have no where else to store it as a download... sorry.
The true fall
Spoiler for The story:
"The greatest outlaw, and he can't even stand a single day here..."
On the top of an immense fortress, five men surrounded one. The odds were further distinguished by clothing, the five wearing the same black armor in uniform, each carrying a short sword, while the one wore ragged brown pants, armed only with his infamous luck; the failure of which got him here. His bare feet were one more retreating step from breaching the line between stone and air.
"This isn't just another pussy jailcell like you've slipped from before."
" 'The thief of women's innocence.' 'The man who kills with a smirk on his face.' Us here at Condemned have been waiting for your infamous ass. You could at least entertain us and live up to your name."
The guards used his reputation, the tales of which had passed along the lips of anyone able to hear it, to mock him now. The outlaw looked down at his arms, barred tightly with iron, a single chain in unequal portions hanging from each enclosed wrist. Along the inside of his forearm, a tattoo completed by shaking hands read one word: RUN.
"The pansy still has all that hair. It isn't cut off until the second day. For him of all people to die now would be a disgrace to the rest of the prisoners."
"Proof none of them are worth a shit and a half."
This produced boisterous laughter from the simple guards. Find and kill was pretty much the height of their intellect. The smile the cornered man gave them was unsettling; the calm in his bold black eyes unnerving. But the scum in their sights didn't notice, they couldn't; thunder was outside the comprehension of ants.
Without a word, the prisoner leapt for his freedom, a mad flip backwards breaking him for a moment from the chains of gravity. The laws of the world took over the graceful flight, and headfirst he dove toward the earth again, shaken from his exaltation.
The twelve foot wall of pure stone that served as the edge of existance to the other prisoners was first to attempt to swallow the higher being. His face smacked against its tall surface, his face an explosion of blood and bone as his entire body flailed backwards from the impact, the price for crossing this realm.
Twelve feet of air rose from him quickly, his body didn't have time to rotate all the way. With a sickening spinal crack, his body crumpled to the ground, his face in the earth and his butt on top of it, his legs and arms overlapping eachother in a disgusting amalgamation of human limbs.
As laughter rained down from the mortals above, the outlaw's legs shot forward (or backward, depending on your perspective) in an arc, his toes digging into the earth now instead of facing the sky. His arms pressed against the earth, raising himself up with the sound of human bone shattering. As he struggled to raise, he shook his head furiously, blood painting the grass before him in ugly splatter. He rose, looked back at the highest point of the fortress, his face still a skull wrapped unevenly in broken flesh.
He looked down at his arms, his hands opening and closing as if he were testing their being. One word left his lips.
Run...
And he did.
02-29-2008, 07:04 AM
Man of Steel
Not bad, not bad at all, AspiR! A bit on the short side, but very well written, and the topic is completely open to interpretation, so t'is fine there.
One thing I might mention, though, is that parenthetical narrative towards the end. It doesn't quite seem to jive with the rest of the narrative, if I may be so bold as to say. Perhaps not even use words like 'forward' or 'backward', but just a more relative term. I dunno, something about the parentheses just doesn't fit with the overall feel of the story. Maybe it's just me.
02-29-2008, 08:14 AM
AspirationRealized
Quote:
Originally Posted by Man of Steel
Not bad, not bad at all, AspiR! A bit on the short side, but very well written, and the topic is completely open to interpretation, so t'is fine there.
One thing I might mention, though, is that parenthetical narrative towards the end. It doesn't quite seem to jive with the rest of the narrative, if I may be so bold as to say. Perhaps not even use words like 'forward' or 'backward', but just a more relative term. I dunno, something about the parentheses just doesn't fit with the overall feel of the story. Maybe it's just me.
Yeah. When I wrote this it was one of the first time an inspiration absolutely struck me. So it was saying a lot with a few words, basically raw feeling.
I haven't made too many changes since, I sort of kept it in its raw form and that came out. I sort of agree that it stands out.
Thanks for your comments though. And good luck on your submission.
Edit:
I forgot to add the title, "The true fall". Its up there now.
02-29-2008, 01:34 PM
Identity X
It conjures up an image very easily and although short there's some very good snippets in there. So death was his way of escaping his fate?
02-29-2008, 04:50 PM
AspirationRealized
Quote:
Originally Posted by Identity X
It conjures up an image very easily and although short there's some very good snippets in there. So death was his way of escaping his fate?
Yes. This little snippet was a piece of a much larger storyline, but that is the basic idea.
Where I used to write/roleplay, this was considered a medium length post. My usual method of writing is much more extensive, but as I said before, this was the product of sudden violent inspiration and I wanted to convey that. Its more... content than fluff, which I often had in my writing before.
Thanks for your comments ^_^
02-29-2008, 11:57 PM
Bearsy
:goodidea: I can't wait to see the rest!
Now to get more than one paragraph finished.
/cracks knuckles.
03-01-2008, 12:00 AM
AspirationRealized
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elis D.
:goodidea: I can't wait to see the rest!
Now to get more than one paragraph finished.
/cracks knuckles.
The rest? That was it, buddy.
At least for the contest.
03-01-2008, 01:07 AM
Bearsy
Quote:
Yes. This little snippet was a piece of a much larger storyline, but that is the basic idea.
That threw me for a loop I guess. Cool, I like this by itself too.
03-01-2008, 02:04 AM
AspirationRealized
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elis D.
That threw me for a loop I guess. Cool, I like this by itself too.
Yeah, I see where the confusion came from.
This was set in a RP called "The reborne". It was pretty interesting but never made it too far. Me and my RP friends decided that the pleasure of roleplaying wasn't worth the time. Besides, all conditions have to be perfect or you waste your whole night, so...
You might see it as a book someday, though.
03-16-2008, 10:44 PM
Abra
I like the irony in this piece (the prisoner escapes after all!). It's the perfect length to serve its purpose.
03-17-2008, 03:00 AM
AspirationRealized
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abra
I like the irony in this piece (the prisoner escapes after all!). It's the perfect length to serve its purpose.
Thank you. Especially with the comment on the length >.> I think thats what will kill me in the competition.
