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    1. #1
      Member Gwendolyn's Avatar
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      Poetry. Any advice?

      Renaissance


      Slices of ice spread thread through my solace
      Like the electricity of two thousand synapses sending impulses furiously
      And instantaneously.
      I am the impulse. This is the essence of life.
      I've uncovered the main nerve that leads to the sincerity in a lover's heart,
      Or the teary in-futile refuge which a stranger lost**in the depths of their own horrific depression seeks within them-self.
      I am the lover. I am in an ever-growing relationship with the world.
      I am the stranger. I have sought refuge in the peacefulness of literature and the art of my penmanship while crying my fears away in my own desperation to win the race that humanity is so fiercely engaged in.
      Here comes the hypocrisy.**But somehow life is still beautiful.
      My life is not without the color of a intense sunset
      In the hour of today's wonderful Renaissance**



      As a writer, my ultimate goal in life is to improve my writing skills. Any advice would me MOST appreciated.
      Shine on, you crazy diamond!

      Raised: The Blue Meanie, Exobyte

      Adopted: MarcusoftheNight

    2. #2
      Yoi yume wo~! Rakkantekimusouka's Avatar
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      Awesome...

      Slices of ice spread thread through my solace
      Like the electricity of two thousand synapses sending impulses furiously
      And instantaneously.
      I am the impulse. This is the essence of life.
      I've uncovered the main nerve that leads to the sincerity in a lover's heart,
      Or the teary in-futile refuge which a stranger lost in the depths of their own horrific depression seeks within them-self.
      I am the lover. I am in an ever-growing relationship with the world.
      I am the stranger. I have sought refuge in the peacefulness of literature and the art of my penmanship while crying my fears away in my own desperation to win the race that humanity is so fiercely engaged in.
      Here comes the hypocrisy. But somehow life is still beautiful.
      My life is not without the color of a intense sunset
      In the hour of today's wonderful Renaissance [/b]
      As far as imagery, this just kicks @$$ -- "the electricity of two thousand synapses", "I am the impulse", "essence of life", etc.

      Structurally, I would suggest changing "Here comes the hypocrisy. But somehow life is still beautiful." to "Here comes the hypocrisy...but somehow life is still beautiful". It just flows better that way I think. Also, maybe put an ellipses after the second to last line: "My life is not without the color of an intense sunset..." Also, although the title does capture the idea, I might go with something a little less used, that doesn't maybe put people in mind of the European Middle Ages, ya know? How does "Resurgence" or "Revival" or "Reawakening" sound? "Resurgence" sounds the best to me. It really connects with the "synapses" and "impulse" images. Just a thought.

      Otherwise, I'm sorry, but your poem is perfect. I really feel the life force behind and within it.

      Keep writing! Just let the emotions flow, and they will look as deep and majestic as they do in your mind. ^_^
      Now permanently residing at [The] Danny Phantom Online [Community], under the name Mabaroshiwoou.

      Adopted OvErEchO, ndpendentlyhappy
      Raised ShiningShadow

    3. #3
      Member Gwendolyn's Avatar
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      Thank you very, very much! I really appreciate your suggestions. I will make those corrections, as I do think that the changes you suggested were wonderful.
      Shine on, you crazy diamond!

      Raised: The Blue Meanie, Exobyte

      Adopted: MarcusoftheNight

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