Some things I wrote

These are "letters" I write to myself. Some are personal, but I really don't care lol. I'm going to blank out any names of real life people that I know with dashes. When I say "her/she", in a negative context, I'm usually refering to my ex-girlfriend. Anyway, here they are! I need to write some more.

Oh, and K. E. are my initials... and X. E. are the initials of my other self. What I mean by my "other self" is that I'm two people in one: A male and a female. Maybe I'll write a little more about her and show you sometime.



Gender Roles

I wish I was a woman sometimes, a beautiful woman, though. There’s just so much I would want to do. I’ve spent days thinking, even writing, about what it would be like to be a woman, and how I would look as one. I would go shopping, get my nails done, and maybe put some highlights in my hair. I just know I would stare at myself in the mirror all day, admiring my feminine beauty, and just wish I could stay that beautiful forever… but that’s something I will never experience.

I ask myself: Am I gay? No, because I’ve had a girlfriend and three instances where a girl has asked me out, so that can’t be it. Maybe I’m bored of being male. Maybe I’m different and not restricted by gender boundaries. Maybe I’m just insane. Whatever it is, it’s a fascination of mine… an obsession. An obsession that has actually gave me a split personality, one that just may make me famous in the future; her and me… in the spotlight, showing the world what it‘s like to be whole. Together we shall rule the world.

Fame. Glory. Power. Transcendence.

K.E. / X. E.


Letter of Regret

Dear 12 year-old me,

Girls love you. In the next three years you’ll have tons of girls flirt with you and four will show interest in you. Be confident, and don’t EVER think you’re not worthy of a girl. When you’re in 8th grade advanced art, and a girl named Annie --- transfers from another school… just act like yourself. Remember: Say yes, and DON’T think she’s too good for you. Trust me. Stick with art and forget trying to enter the military, you’ll fail due to a rare nerve disease you get diagnosed with… but don’t worry, you’ll live.

Start playing Delta Force 2 online as soon as you get an internet connection. Also, when you get MSN, and if you still happen to meet a British girl named ---- Fox--be nice to her... but act with caution. Practice your art more, read more, and stay in shape. Get your driver’s license before you finish High School… and TALK to people, don’t push them away.

One last thing: If this changes everything, I’m going to make an email account and place all my work and ideas on an email. I’ll give you the log in info so you can log into the account between the years 2012 and 2016. Read everything, and familiarize yourself with everything I’ve written--I can’t stress this enough. It will be over 1000 pages worth of information, so be ready for a long read.

Sincerely yours,
K. E. / X. E.

PS: True love is loving yourself… never forget that.


The Unknown Feeling

Seven years have gone by, and I still have that same feeling: the feeling to not want to exist. I was born into a wonderful family, one rich with love and care, yet something wants me to push away. Something inside me wants me to suffer, yet another force wants me to be happy. It’s a constant and ongoing battle, and has been at a stalemate for years. It’s tearing me apart, torturing me, and destroying me from the inside-out. I don’t know what it is; it’s not a voice… it’s not even a thought… it’s just there, and it won’t go away.

How can I conquer a feeling that I can’t even describe? It’s such a powerful negative feeling, and as each year passes, it grows stronger and stronger. It has lead to many regrets in the past, hinders me in the present, and it will lead to my doom in the future. I feel defenseless, and I wish I knew how to fight it. I thought, maybe, I just needed someone to help me beat it. I thought I was going to defeat it this year, finally, but instead she reinforced it. And now I realize the only one who can beat it is myself, but I fear I’m not strong enough to overcome it by myself.

I’ve never asked for much… but all I want is for it to just go away.

K. E. / X. E.


Them

And so, I turn on the light--the one thing that gives me some form of comfort and false security from them--writing this and wondering how much longer before I am consumed. Nothing can be heard but strange, low-pitched screeching noises. Sometimes I can hear howls and voices whispering in discussion, but not one word is remotely comprehensible. I also see dark, misty figures moving about from the corner of my eye, and I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand as I’m surrounded by these malevolent forces.

I hate the feeling they give me… I feel so helpless and don’t know what to do. Before I use to see them only a few times a year, but now it has become several times a month to almost every other day of the week. These creatures have become a growing problem for me, and no matter where I go… they are always there with me. I use to know how to deal with them, but not anymore. Every time I try to block them off--they always find some way to get my attention and make sure I *know* they’re here. As I write this, I can feel them hovering overhead, enjoying the agony and torture they put me through with their presence.

Why are they here? What are these... things, and what do they want from me? Why does this happen to me? What is their purpose? Am I meant to see them? Why do they wish to be seen? Are they some sort of omen, or are they my "demons"? Is this just the manifestation of all my negativity? What would happen if this manifestation is real and reaches its full potential? Will I lose myself… or my life, altogether?

I know very little about them, and nothing but speculations by others as to what they are. I can’t be mad, can I? A truly mad person would not question their own sanity, would they? I’m not the only one with these experiences… at least someone on the outside. It can’t be nothing more than just loss of control, can it?

I am a slave to them… one of many pawns to their sick and twisted game. The question is: How much further do I have to go before I reach the other side and gain the ability of choice.

K. E. / X. E.

Here's my other half... my female side. I drew these, but I need to get better at drawing, I'm not amazing lol. Probably have to zoom them in once you open the link.

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y28...t/xyra11-1.jpg
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y28.../xyra_face.jpg

moreeee:

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y28.../Art/tet02.jpg
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y28...Art/aran04.jpg

Also, a short bio about her:

Xyrathana Everbrand

Race: Half-Elf/Half-Vampire

Description: 5’6”, shoulder length black hair, green eyes (change to red when she is enraged/during nighttime), slim hour glass figure with very light muscle tone. Xyrathana, the protagonist of the story, is a powerful sorceress with moderate sword skill. Early in her life, she was brought up by some of the most prolific magic users of the time: Tessa Everbrand (her mother), Belzin Rotevan, and Fanthom Akavar to name a few. For this reason, she is the Dark Mistress reborn. However, even though the Dark Mistress is seen as a symbol of darkness, fear and suffering, Xyrathana is a good person at heart and because of that she has many battles with her inner self. Overall, she’s a grey (neutral) person, but her power can give her a duel personality, and at times she can be consumed by her dark side. This dark side of her is her vampiric side, which she has learned to conquer, but not to the point of completely removing the disease. Acquiring vampirism was not by her choice, but because of an unlucky encounter with a vampire scout in service to Lilith Nightshade, the vampire matriarch. In order to keep the negative effects of the disease to a minimum, she is required to pay her respects to Morrigan, the god of undead. This may include rituals to Morrigan, or she might harvest small amounts of blood from a person to keep her thirst quenched, but she does not actually kill her victims; some even donate themselves to her willingly.

Family: Zen (father), Tessa (mother), Aran (sister), Jurie (sister)

And a bio about her sword:

Scourge

Race: N/A

Description: Scourge is the prime example of evil: power hungry with absolutely no sentiment for life. Essentially, Scourge is not a living thing but a conscious sword--a cursed sword possessed by a wicked demon. This ancient weapon was once an elegant blade that was created by the talented enchanter Nuru-Sagoth. After Adramelech, the former prince of demons, was slain by Nuru-Sagoth, he transferred a portion of his soul into the blade in order to continue his blight on Epithet. Scourge is by far the most powerful sword in existence and takes a great deal of mental and physical energy to wield. There are only four recorded users in its history: Nuru-Sagoth was the first, Jorik Velanti was the second, Luvia Blackheart was the third, and now Xyrathana Everbrand is its current mistress; all others that attempted to wield it lost themselves in the process. Scourge is most known for its telepathic abilities, which is why so many have gone mad or even died after a few encounters with the sword. It is also said that if one learns to control the blade fully, the wielder can unlock its most frightening feature: the ability to manipulate the souls of the fallen and use them as they please.

Self-Portrait

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y28...Art/xyra12.jpg








Okay, so maybe this isn’t really a self-portrait… or is it? Once you remove the outside, this is what you get; this is a projection of myself. Self-expression is knowing thyself.

I may seem like two people in one to you, but what I really am is one soul that is separated from its other half. Discovering this other half is what true love really is, not love with another physical person (human love/attachment), but love of yourself. "True love" transcends all human feeling, and I am fortunate to have it. I’ve only met one other person who’s experienced it, and he transcends reality itself.

Some say that I’m too irrational… too detached from this reality and too attached to the imaginary and that I need to get a grip on reality, but these people know absolutely nothing. These are the ones who still have yet to learn what anything is and how to be free. That’s what separates me from the rest: I am a symbol of freedom. I am able to do whatever it is I want and be myself because I can and have no fear in doing so. I am capable of living in both realities because I now fully grasp the concepts of "real" and "imaginary", and how both function. Both realities work hand-in-hand, both a reflection of the other. Both exist simultaneously; neither an illusion nor a falsity. But which came first? The answer is simple: Imagination or "God’s Kingdom". First one most imagine before it can exist in the material.

Teaching a person the concept of "real" or "imaginary" is nearly impossible, because either they wouldn’t listen, or it’s too much for them to comprehend, or they are too attached to one reality (safe zones) that they’ve become blind to the other. The number one rule when attempting to understand anything is that balance is key. To find the answers, one must seek them themselves, and it will take years… decades… even lifetimes. I’m on the path, but I still have a way to go. True knowledge is not just gained through reading and studying, but it’s also gained by evaluating yourself, your dreams, and your position here.

I enjoy when people, who think of themselves as superior to me because they’ve had some rough spots in their life, tell me I got it easy. I also enjoy when these same people say I know nothing. But the truth is that they are actually the ones who know nothing. I view the outside the same way they view imagination: an escape. Anyone can live reality, but not everyone can live with themselves. You can never run from yourself and using reality as a distraction is wrong. I’m glad I tortured myself for seven and a half years, and I’m glad I lead my life the way I did, because not only does that prepare me for reality, but it makes me stronger and taught me how to deal with negative emotions as well as show me my weaknesses. Self-repair is a slow process, but now that I’ve begun, I will not stop until I’m finished. I am now both apathetic and empathic; selfish and selfless. Now is the time for me to come forth and do what I must do, and by weakening myself the way I have, that will make me near-invincible whenever I succeed. Extremes… my life is full of them.

You may wonder why do I preach this, and to put it simply: Because one will listen. I have been given the tools and ability to deliver my message, but before I can worry about others, I must worry about myself, which will take time. I will get to deliver my message one day, and when I do, my mission on this plane will be complete. If I fail in this life, I will do it in the next. It is my purpose--as a being--to advance humanity, and I will do this. The next stage in our evolution is the mind, and we will return to our former glory.
With ambition, drive, emotion, and intensity, all is possible, and only death can stop me.

***

Her speech:

So, here I am… ready to graduate. As I stand here tonight before you, on this stage, speaking with you all, I feel nothing but nostalgia. I look back on everything I went through the last five years in this guild: my lessons… the people I’ve met… the friends I’ve made… even the enemies I’ve made… all those times I’ve gotten in trouble… and I think to myself: "Damn, I’m going to miss this place." This guild and its wonderful teaching staff are the reason I am who I am today, and I’m fortunate to have been accepted and even more fortunate to be standing on this stage, getting ready to graduate, tonight.

It really didn’t hit me until I got up here, but I started to wonder what’s next. What’s after this? Not knowing your path can be a frightening thing for most people, and even though I already have a path set for me, I still fear the unknown. That has never stopped me, though, and I’ve come to accept that weakness, and go on. Having a fear or phobia isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I don’t believe a person can actually remove it, permanently--but they can control and conquer it, and become stronger by doing so.

That then leads me to the greatest question of them all: What is my purpose? Some of the most distinguished people in history didn’t figure out the answer to that question until later in life, and the majority die without discovering a purpose. Most of the time, someone’s purpose just happens by chance--it’s not something they think about. I, on the other hand, want to create my purpose; and I am after four things, and these four things alone.

Fame.
Glory.
Power.
And lastly: Transcendence.

Call me arrogant; call me selfish; call me whatever you like, but these four things are what I strive for. Why? Because I want to leave my mark on this world, and do great things, just like the rest of us here tonight. And with that… I end my speech.

-Xyrathana Everbrand

We fuel one another. We are one in the same. We are wholeness. She wants to exist here; I want to exist there. Insane? To the regulars, yes, but not to those who see like Her and I.

Together, we shall elevate ourselves above. Together, we shall succeed. Together... we shall master existence.

Fame is the first step, and that will come once I submit my creations. Glory is the next, and that will come after my creations become well-known. Power is the step after that, and that will come once I get the two steps before it. Finally, transcendence will come after I have all three and I start to fully open up to society. Once I get to this point, everyone will see into my mind and be shown everything.

I understand wanting to be a girl, but being gay would also benefit you just as much as being strait or even more so, since it would be something new. Everyone is a little bit gay, its human nature, don't try and deny it until you understand it. I have never had a real butt orgasm or anything, but there you have it, as do you the right to dream of being a woman. Split personality? I doubt it, not entirely at least.

It seems to give you a bit of in edge in your ego too, it doesn't necessarily make you smarter than anyone else, and plenty of people have the same groove as you, but think of it as a personal thing, that people don't need to know about along with their sex life. Being famous for those reasons isn't pioneering anything new. I can think of at least 10 famous people right of of my head.

good luck, and try not to dwell over you 12 year old age, and take what has happened as a gift, the one that transformed you into who you are now. Things have to happen or some point or other, and the only way to cheat karma is by freeing yourself (which would mean dying).

peace.

at the time i wrote the split personality thing, that was months ago. all the years of hiding myself created that, which is a way (i guess) to make me relearn who i am. a lot of what i do and write/draw is subconscious, i don't really think about it.

that karma thing you said is so true lol. that's exactly how i viewed my break up with my ex, because i avoided relationships for that reason. i never felt i needed to be in a relationship and didn't want to go through a break up or waste my time, and when i finally get in one, i get screwed over horribly. 3 1/2 years gone in a matter of days. now i'm left wanting another. it sucks.

also, about the "gay" thing. i'm more asexual than anything else. i just feel that i could get further in life if i was a girl because my personality is more feminine than masculine.

anyway, thanks for reading!