Thread: Afterglow's Poetry

Greed - Self explanatory

The bittersweet poison that lurks
Unclear and unseen by blind eyes
Turned upon by ignorance and false pretense
Coursing through veins like ichor
Slowly ruining until all that is left is a shell
A fragment of clarity
Twisted into malice, ignorance and alter-ego
Unleashed upon the unsuspecting
Wrecking, tearing emotion and leaving
Little trace of rational thought
This is the world we live in
Where young and old take part in the ruination
Slowly forming a lifestyle
Which neither through love or loss,
Pain or pleasure, will ever be suppressed.

A poem about people who do whatever is popular simply to be popular and get twisted up in the lifestyle.

Sheep

Alone and cold
Left to Die
Harshly judged
By the blind

Pseudosynchronous
Sheep that follow
Outside, militant
Inside hollow

The sheep that sits
At the very back
Mimics the one
That leads the pack

And every sheep
That's inbetween
Follows to death
The foolish dream

There's a lamb that strays
Painted black
Forced to walk
The beaten track

He looks different
Than the rest
The bare epitome
Of their jest

Scorned and beaten
With ruthless force
Waiting for Karma
To run her course

But this won't happen
'cause every sheep
will loyally follow
'Til the final bleat.

This is a song I've written for my metal band (not my calmer alternative rock band, wouldn't really fit lol)

Untitled

Never given a chance but I've never given in
And I've fought for everything, but I never win
I've risen up from nothing with no one to hold my hand
I feel like I'm drowning, and sinking in the sand

Most people who live pretty are too ignorant to see
That most of what they have was given for free
I'ts a shame that it's the drones that live the good life
And people like you and me are forced to die

We can't live!
We won't die!
I don't care what you have to say!
Just stay the f&%k away from me!

I'm already on my back so why not try to relax
I don't give a s&$t f&%k me, F#$K you!
Do us all a favour and just curl up and die
This world's just a motherf%$king eye for an eye!

We can't live!
We won't die!
I don't care what you have to say!
Just stay the f&%k away from me!

Get off my back cause I don't want this
It's overbearing!!!
Get tired of living!
Get off my back!!!!


We can't live!
We won't die!
I don't care what you have to say!
Just stay the f&%k away from me!

No one has any criticism at all?

Originally Posted by Afterglow

No one has any criticism at all?

Yeah, I know how it feels to have no one respond to all your hard work. I think your poems are beautiful and emotionally-driven, but with my limited experience in the genre, I can't offer any hard criticism or suggestions...

I hope your luck turns up.


~tamias

You're poems are really good... could you write about something more cheerful perhaps?
Maybe you should learn to play and instrument and write songs or something ^^

Originally Posted by Sanquis

You're poems are really good... could you write about something more cheerful perhaps?
Maybe you should learn to play and instrument and write songs or something ^^

Sure thing! Next one i write will be more cheerful, and I actually play 9 instruments I've turned a couple of these poems into songs, just haven't recorded them yet.

Thanks for the feedback guys, keep it comin'!

Buy The Ticket, Take The Ride

The more I drink, the more I think
The more I think, the more I drink
I think about my glass of wine
I think about my thoughts, entwined

Caught up in the present frame
No time for my fun and games
Break away from old routine
And kill the ghosts of past-pristine

Buy the ticket, take the ride
The ride to see what lies inside
Deep inside your caged-up brain
Revel in the pseudo-sane

Dream the things that make you think
And have a hit, a smoke, a drink
Free yourself from plain and bland
And travel in this twisted land

The land where rules and laws and binds
Don't apply to body or mind
Fly away and sit up high
In the clouds that shroud your hazy eyes

Take some time to ponder your thoughts
Take some time to bend and distort
Have a drink and time to think
And while you think, refill your drink!

*Claps vigorously*
Yay!

Haha thanks Sanquis! Glad you like it!

Love the Hunter S. Thompson reference. I like the way you're able to make it rhyme, as well.
I'm not very good at tail rhyming, I always tend to make my rhymed verses feel forced. Yours however work quite nicely.



Please do more.
And like Sanqui said, try and stay positive in your writing.
I know its easier to write the negative emotions you have, but you'll find that staying positive, especially when you want to write negativity, will not only help you feel better, but it will strengthen your ability as an author.
At least, that's my opinion, but I could be wrong.

Originally Posted by Elis D.

Love the Hunter S. Thompson reference. I like the way you're able to make it rhyme, as well.
I'm not very good at tail rhyming, I always tend to make my rhymed verses feel forced. Yours however work quite nicely.



Please do more.
And like Sanqui said, try and stay positive in your writing.
I know its easier to write the negative emotions you have, but you'll find that staying positive, especially when you want to write negativity, will not only help you feel better, but it will strengthen your ability as an author.
At least, that's my opinion, but I could be wrong.

Thanks! I'll try and be more positive in my writing like you suggested.

And yeah Hunter S. Thompson has to be just about my favourite writer.

Thanks heaps for the criticism guys

Mirror Maze, a poem of indecision.

Caught between two points
Blindness and sight, difficult to differentiate
Pulling on a frayed tether
Heading into a dead-end

Always scared of failure
But heading in a bad direction
A multitude of thoughts and answers
Chaos is slowly becoming a trend

Alcohol imbibed for sweeter judgement
But only regret bides my time
The drug is euphoric in the moment
But reality slowly distends

Pull yourself together, man!
Find the exit to this mirror maze
Break the numb and force the handle
Despite the possibility of more dead-ends!

An Angel

Send an angel to her!
Yes, she's ignorant but aren't we all?
Mistakes are made by everybody
And everybody deserves their hollow halls

But despite this sad, but serious fact
She's lived her pain out, time is up
It seems it's easy to heal one's pain
But other's seems too hard at all

LSD, a poem about the twisted drug

The serpent mind is in force
The twisting is almost serene
But poison lurks behind the sacred
Making tainted-bliss seem all the more clean

But all is well when calm is reached
Euphoria is strong and clean
Hallucinations start to form
But it all is fine to me!

Maybe it is just a twisted maze
Complete with dead ends and tricks and treats
But perhaps behind it's twisted gaze
Is a world complete with peace and sweets

All is well in this happy place
Content with every one and thing
I think I like this different place
Do what you can to avoid the sting

Any more criticism would be very greatly appreciated

Inertiatic Ways

I saw you on his lap
Resisting to snap was so damn hard
Victim to a *clap*
Is the attention really that deserving?

I stood at the back
Watching, never blinking
I knew you were this shade of black
Dark, and in this way persevering

You're one of a few
Playing with hearts and pulling strings
And always on cue
The worst of all goddamn things

Everybody is aware
That it's just a cover for insecurity
But covers are weak and frail
And break easily under the self-serving

You seem so small in the grander scale of things
But a smile is all that matters
It won't matter in the latter
Soon there won't be any Queens or Kings

Try to break free from rhyming... it will give you more freedom. Not bad poems, but I feel as if you're really restricting yourself.

There's only so much message you can convey with words that rhyme with each other. Plus if you're going to rhyme you might want to follow some sort of meter, or maybe change your meter so you have some varying poems. Right now they all seem to sound the same just because you haven't broken free; done anything different.

Just some constructive criticism, do something different.

Thanks for the criticism, Cold Blooded, I'll take all that in mind and try and expand my borders

I look forward to it.

Play around with the formatting even, as a suggestion!

Will do man, thanks heaps for the advice

Haven't been here for a while, but let's give it a shot

A new leaf turned will reveal stagnance or spiders
but change isnt always all bad or that deep
Tight lips are spiteful
but remember most smiles still tend to bare teeth
Read a book, one that's older than you
and for the love of God THINK about how you felt
in the grips of the twist, pursing your lips
on the edge of your seat chewing the prose
Think about Dreiser, not that sparkly new Chrysler
Or the money on that prizefighter you chose

Dream and dream deep
Time is lost in blind sleep and counting imaginary sheep
LISTEN!...nothing, don't you miss that old sound of silence?
Replaced by violence in our social asylums?
Never trust a man who doesn't drink
He has a plan but he doesn't think
Well not about what's important
He's on the brink of something bigger but only for him
He doesn't feel pain

We're given everything and we snore, we're bored
It makes no sense but we ignore it
we're the rats in the snake pit
Don't show fear, their noses are sharper than the hounds that abound
our crooked fences
We're senseless and abiding to our crooked defenses
That sound! Deafening but true, it's you being called
So do yourself a favour, sit still and be enthralled

Decency isn't dead yet.

Optimism once more is fleeting
Tearing apart at our scandalous meetings
We've seen it before as youths, cooped up
in our booths of ignorance and
selling a tooth to the falsified fairies
Everything is scary, right?
Just close your eyes. Breathe.
Listen.
There's noise but it's calm
There's poise in your lover's arms
They're bigger than mine, and probably hold you stronger
but no longer will I watch you linger on the
pathetic thoughts he makes you ponder
Do you remember dreams?
Do you remember me ripping apart at the seams?
Just fighting to breathe?
when the man you were kissing wasn't me?
I remember, and it burns through my mind like an ember
sold to the highest bidder
scorched to a cinder
and thrown into my conepiece to serve as tinder
To burn my memories away
Don't try to sway me,
I know what I'm doing, I'll think another day
In fact, today I'll look at the clouds
Try to remember how I felt
On school grounds, looking out and around
Back when I believed that hope could be found
On a rainy Wednesday afternoon
When the schoolbells would swoon
to the end of the day
When we KNEW everything was going to be okay!
And that was all we needed
we heeded no warnings from the dead and defeated,
You know, the ones who knew what they were talking about..
We gave them OUR clout!
"We'll be young forever!" Well atleast at heart...
And that's where you start to try too hard
It turns out Darwin was right
Natural selection will usually win the fight
You can try and try, but you'll run dry of inspiration
We live in a nation of depravation
Lie, cheat and steal at every opportunity
You're just another cog in the machinery
So what's the harm at taking your turn in depravity?
There isn't always a referee that will be there
A ubiquitos observer who'll nurture and care
Take what you can, grab it before it's gone...
Seize the moment when the moment is rare.

...and so the tortoise poisoned the hare.