Thread: Critique! Short Story - Signature

The gently curves provoking promiscuity,

--the gentle curves (that?) provoke promiscuity.--

the glowing eyes (that?) are windows into our soul

The human body is a form of beauty, like all other things that humans try to recreate. Beauty is a curse on the world. It is what makes us hate ourselves, what makes us greedy, unsustainable, and senseless and fuels our endless desire for needs.

how is human body a form of beauty? explain. how does it make us hate ourselves? why does it make us greedy?

My signature is important. It is what I use to show the world its true self, a disgusting black oozing form wrapped in a skinned package made by God.

I like this description, but it's is kind of confusing.

However my desire, the desire for the signature is so overpowering.

i don't think that you need those two desires.

trying to recreate my signature.

should it just be "create"?

this human was dead.

i like this statement. it separates the narrator from everyone else.

My signature was complete. My urges satisfied. I had fulfilled my duty again

repetitive. try to merge these sentences together.

The fear returns, scaring me with capture.

reword? it sounds like the fear is capturing you.. should it be that you are afraid of being captured? maybe try something like "the fear of being captured returns scaring me."

Not like the humans. Society fuels my passion.

kind of a choppy transition.

[/QUOTE]I use to live in a fuzzy dream, and I wanted to be like all the pretty people. I tried to be a boy, I tried to be a girl, I tried to be a mess, I tried to be the best, I guess I did it wrong. Do I have to change my name, will it get me far? Should I lose some weight, am I going to be a star? No. I guess I am stupid. Daddy never told me things would get so hard. He taught me everything, but he hadn’t taught me human nature. It is so complex, so involved. I don’t understand why people cry, why they laugh. It is so foreign, so fake and superficial. Humans are the curse on the world. Their beautiful form turns nasty when all barriers collapse and society crumbles. Daddy died when I was 10. He was my first.[/QUOTE]
this is also a weird transition. i like it, but i think its a quick movement from a killing to a story. i get that this is what the narrator is thinking, but you may want to make it more obvious. you could add something like "as i try to forget what i have done i think back on the people that have made me who i am today...." or something like that. you may not want to change this though. i think it is pretty good the way it is.

What should I care what the world thinks of me. Nobody knows me. The signature, its importance, is much greater than my life. I must do it again. Fear will not hold me back. Daddy taught me well. He taught me to be better than this, not to be scared. To be connected. Not to feel. His death was for no reason. He had trained me well.

i think you might want to add what the world thinks of you at the beginning. i like the way you use daddy. it shows that you have a connection that you never had with anyone else. what i dont get is you say "daddy was my first" then you say "he trained me well" it is sort of confusing but i like it.


overall i really like this story and i like how it is sort of all wrapped up at the end. there are some places that could use some work that are confusing. i think you could use some more descriptions. although i liked the descriptions of the raindrops i think you could add a little to the setting.

talk to me if you have any more questions

Originally Posted by rastasteez

--the gentle curves (that?) provoke promiscuity.--




how is human body a form of beauty? explain. how does it make us hate ourselves? why does it make us greedy?


I like this description, but it's is kind of confusing.


i don't think that you need those two desires.


should it just be "create"?


i like this statement. it separates the narrator from everyone else.


repetitive. try to merge these sentences together.


reword? it sounds like the fear is capturing you.. should it be that you are afraid of being captured? maybe try something like "the fear of being captured returns scaring me."


kind of a choppy transition.

I use to live in a fuzzy dream, and I wanted to be like all the pretty people. I tried to be a boy, I tried to be a girl, I tried to be a mess, I tried to be the best, I guess I did it wrong. Do I have to change my name, will it get me far? Should I lose some weight, am I going to be a star? No. I guess I am stupid. Daddy never told me things would get so hard. He taught me everything, but he hadn’t taught me human nature. It is so complex, so involved. I don’t understand why people cry, why they laugh. It is so foreign, so fake and superficial. Humans are the curse on the world. Their beautiful form turns nasty when all barriers collapse and society crumbles. Daddy died when I was 10. He was my first.[/QUOTE]
this is also a weird transition. i like it, but i think its a quick movement from a killing to a story. i get that this is what the narrator is thinking, but you may want to make it more obvious. you could add something like "as i try to forget what i have done i think back on the people that have made me who i am today...." or something like that. you may not want to change this though. i think it is pretty good the way it is.


i think you might want to add what the world thinks of you at the beginning. i like the way you use daddy. it shows that you have a connection that you never had with anyone else. what i dont get is you say "daddy was my first" then you say "he trained me well" it is sort of confusing but i like it.


overall i really like this story and i like how it is sort of all wrapped up at the end. there are some places that could use some work that are confusing. i think you could use some more descriptions. although i liked the descriptions of the raindrops i think you could add a little to the setting.

talk to me if you have any more questions[/QUOTE]

Thank you