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    Thread: My poetry/rap

    1. #1
      Member blackjack's Avatar
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      My poetry/rap

      Hey guys, I gotta write a poem for my HS english 2 class and while I've been interested in poetry and rap for a while now, I've hit a sort of writers block. So any poems or rappers that write something real (If I see Soulja Boi on here ima kill y'all haha) would be greatly appreciated and any tips on how to improve my freestyling and or writing? thanks guys btw I especially liked "Something Real" by Elis D. that was a great poem and I would love his input as well as Oneironaut and anybody else with skills or even a minor interest. Thanks a lot guys, Much love
      ,Blackjack


      Heres some of the stuff I wrote:
      Illusions
      Part 1
      Does she like me?
      the girl sittin by that tree
      thinkin of somethin so free
      not a care in the world
      like a beautiful pearl
      released from her shell
      to show me the hell
      that is life without her smell
      she would be mine
      we could walk through time
      we could talk
      wine and dine
      all night long
      the renaissance man in a suit
      to boot
      the declaration
      of the quintessential
      dimensional, rift that divides
      me and her, layers of plugs
      stopping my world from leaking into her flower buds
      and emerging from the field
      with a stronger yield
      and a better understanding
      of what makes her heart where my love is landing.

      Part 2:
      See the sun with me
      I wanna run with thee
      you got my heart poundin
      like a speaker bumpin
      can't let go of this feelin I got
      Assumed I could kill it with all my thoughts
      but it can't be bought
      I had to embrace it, see you
      hear you and be near you
      Say yes and I rule the nest
      Say no and I tried my best
      gimme a chance though
      and you'll see me go
      fly to the sky
      higher than the ceiling of the stars
      with my lyrical bars
      whack as they may be
      or better if they can be
      never as good as you and me
      the content of this message
      may never be received
      so the pressures gonna be relieved
      through rhyme
      the universal language of time
      using poetry to survive
      the mental minefield that is your mind
      oh how I'd love to be those mines

      Part 3:
      Sense of time slows
      when I feel the soft glow
      of your warm smile
      washin away the bile
      that day produced
      and that she reduced
      to almost nothing but a sore memory
      inspirin me to write this poetry
      and take the time
      to speak my mind
      and write this rhyme
      let my word
      be heard
      throughout the world
      for every boy and girl



      Yea I did that in bout 30 min but I got a lil block and cant think of too many more topics
      Last edited by blackjack; 05-01-2009 at 03:48 AM.
      I have a dream...

    2. #2
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      'Ey, blackjack.

      What are you looking to do? Are you looking for an idea for good subject matter to write about (usually the hardest part), or how to choose a format/structure (like how to form your lines and fit the words to navigate the rhythm)?
      http://i.imgur.com/Ke7qCcF.jpg
      (Or see the very best of my journal entries @ dreamwalkerchronicles.blogspot)

    3. #3
      Member blackjack's Avatar
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      Hmm Im decent with fitting the lines and the rhythm but my lines fit better when I speak them then when I write em down. But yes the main thing I am looking for is good subject matter and a few tips on how to expand my vocab(e.g. good books or other poems) but anything helps.
      I have a dream...

    4. #4
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      Quote Originally Posted by blackjack View Post
      Hmm Im decent with fitting the lines and the rhythm but my lines fit better when I speak them then when I write em down. But yes the main thing I am looking for is good subject matter and a few tips on how to expand my vocab(e.g. good books or other poems) but anything helps.
      Yeah, subject matter is usually tough.

      What motivates you? What are you passionate about? What excites or impresses you? What pisses you off? Before figuring out what to write, you have to figure out what makes yourself tick. Make a list of things that stand out as significant to you, whether positive or negative.

      As far as vocab, probably the best thing that I can recommend is a thesaurus. You may not want to go overboard, so as not to make your piece too hard for the average (or maybe slightly above average) person to understand, but it should help you decorate your writings a little bit.
      http://i.imgur.com/Ke7qCcF.jpg
      (Or see the very best of my journal entries @ dreamwalkerchronicles.blogspot)

    5. #5
      Member CoLd BlooDed's Avatar
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      Here is an example of a poem-rap.


      Starry starry night, paint your pallet blue and gray,
      Look out on a summers day,
      with eyes that know the darkness of my soul.


    6. #6
      ... Michael's Avatar
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      That is pretty creative. It's also pretty funny.

    7. #7
      Member blackjack's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Oneironaut View Post
      Yeah, subject matter is usually tough.

      What motivates you? What are you passionate about? What excites or impresses you? What pisses you off? Before figuring out what to write, you have to figure out what makes yourself tick. Make a list of things that stand out as significant to you, whether positive or negative.

      As far as vocab, probably the best thing that I can recommend is a thesaurus. You may not want to go overboard, so as not to make your piece too hard for the average (or maybe slightly above average) person to understand, but it should help you decorate your writings a little bit.

      awww man, I still haven't figured that stuff out... I know It should be easy but i dont know, for some reason I cant
      I have a dream...

    8. #8
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      Quote Originally Posted by blackjack View Post
      Illusions
      Does she like me?
      the girl sittin by that tree
      thinkin of somethin so free
      not a care in the world
      like a beautiful pearl
      released from her shell
      to show me the hell
      that is life without her smell
      Never rhyme thrice.
      she would be mine
      we could walk through time
      Never rhyme twice.
      we could talk
      wine and dine
      all night long
      the renaissance man in a suit
      to boot
      the declaration
      of the quintessential
      dimensional, rift that divides
      me and her, layers of plugs
      stopping my world from leaking into her flower buds
      and emerging from the field
      with a stronger yield
      and a better understanding
      of what makes her heart where my love is landing.

      Part 2:
      See the sun with me
      I wanna run with thee
      you got my heart poundin
      like a speaker bumpin
      can't let go of this feelin I got
      Assumed I could kill it with all my thoughts No triple rhyming.
      but it can't be bought

      I had to embrace it, see you Hope to god this is not supposed to be a rhyme.
      hear you and be near you

      Say yes and I rule the nest
      Say no and I tried my best
      gimme a chance though
      and you'll see me go
      fly to the sky
      higher than the ceiling of the stars
      with my lyrical bars
      whack as they may be No slang.
      or better if they can be
      never as good as you and me
      the content of this message
      may never be received
      so the pressures gonna be relieved
      through rhyme
      the universal language of time
      A W E S O M E.
      using poetry to survive
      the mental minefield that is your mind
      oh how I'd love to be those mines

      Part 3:
      Sense of time slows
      when I feel the soft glow
      of your warm smile
      washin away the bile
      that day produced
      and that she reduced
      to almost nothing but a sore memory
      inspirin me to write this poetry
      and take the time
      to speak my mind
      and write this rhyme
      let my word
      be heard
      throughout the world
      for every boy and girl
      Doesn't rhyme.



      Yea I did that in bout 30 min but I got a lil block and cant think of too many more topics Never.


      I'm a strict critique. Anway, it's really good.
      Last edited by Jesus of Suburbia; 05-04-2009 at 02:47 AM.

    9. #9
      Member blackjack's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by TheLucid View Post
      I'm a strict critique. Anway, it's really good.
      oh sorry, I meant the last part I did in 30 minutes. The rest took me like a week.
      And thanks, I need strict critics, they improve my work and help me see what I can't.
      I have a dream...

    10. #10
      "O" will suffice. Achievements:
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      I wholeheartedly disagree with "not rhyming twice" (or even three times for that matter). If it flows, rhyme six or eight bars if you wish to. There's no reason to limit yourself to one pair of rhyming words.

      What I would recommend are multi-syllabic rhymes. Rhyming words with one syllable can get really boring after a while. Even two-syllable words can get a bit mundane. It may take longer, and more creativity, but trying rhyming groups of words, with like 3 or more syllables, together. You don't have to do this all the time, but throwing a long stretch of like 4 bars (lines) with multi-syllabic rhymes is usually a crowd pleaser.

      Like take, if you will, this *minute example.*
      I've got time to kill, so I'll *write-you a-sample*
      of how I do this *multi-syllabic rhyming*
      Profound when I spit, *yo; keep diligent timing*
      Fit my words to rhythm, *tailored to perfection.*
      Take time, learn precision, *and you're through. Objections?*

      Just an example. It can be tough to keep a topic going if you're trying to do a lot of lines like that, but lines with that many rhyming words (or vowel sounds, at least) are good to throw in there, every now and then.

      I also disagree about "girl" and "world" not rhyming. They don't, on paper, but a large percentage of the rhyming in rap and other poetry is all about pronunciation. Vowel sounds are the most important. If words are close enough in sound, you can pull them off as perfect rhymes. It's all in how you say it.
      http://i.imgur.com/Ke7qCcF.jpg
      (Or see the very best of my journal entries @ dreamwalkerchronicles.blogspot)

    11. #11
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      Quote Originally Posted by Oneironaut View Post
      I wholeheartedly disagree with "not rhyming twice."

      Srry, I meant thrice not twice. But anyway, it sounds better when you only rhyme twice.

    12. #12
      "O" will suffice. Achievements:
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      Quote Originally Posted by TheLucid View Post
      Srry, I meant thrice not twice. But anyway, it sounds better when you only rhyme twice.
      If you mean that just because three is an odd number, then yes, I agree. Rhymes should be symmetrical, and split into multiples of two. But there is nothing wrong with rhyming more than that (four or six times) with different rhyming words. I dunno if that's what you are saying or not.
      http://i.imgur.com/Ke7qCcF.jpg
      (Or see the very best of my journal entries @ dreamwalkerchronicles.blogspot)

    13. #13
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      That is not what I meant but you know, that makes sense. Alot of sense. I'll try that sometime in my poems (though I usually go freestyle anyway).

    14. #14
      Member blackjack's Avatar
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      Hmm Been so long haha but heres another....



      The Caged Bird
      I know why the caged bird sings
      It exists to flap its wings
      It wants to be free
      And not tied to this damn tree
      Held down by steel chains
      He wonders if it still rains
      If the sun still shines
      If his friends still dine
      When it sees the sunrise
      It lifts its eyes
      And sings a smooth melody of rhyme
      Because it’s time
      To wake up from this dream
      Yes, that’s what it seems
      No, this cage is not his stage
      Freedom provides him with a new page
      To write on
      To fight on
      To sleep on
      To dream on


      But he’s stuck right now
      All these ravens tryin to keep him down
      All tryin to drown and silence his sound
      All hes left are his dreams
      …But this is where he begins his schemes
      Grab the key
      Fly to the sky
      That deep blue
      It seems to renew
      His soul, his spirit
      As he inches near it
      He can see freedom
      He can feel the cool breeze on his wings
      But there’s only one thing
      The window’s only open for a time
      In fact, bout enough for me to kick this rhyme
      Will the bird shine?
      Will the bird be scared that he dare not defy his master?
      And remain plastered on this wall of faceless obscurity
      The chains that bind
      Bind us to this daily grind
      Bind our mind
      Chains that blind
      Blind us from the truth
      It’s been true since our youth
      The bird holds himself back when he hesitates
      Shifting states
      Of mind
      Not all of one kind
      Changing with time
      Good or bad
      Happy or sad
      Or…
      Fiery with righteous anger
      That this stranger
      Keeps him in this cage
      This cage…
      This cage becomes his stage
      He starts a new page
      In this book called life
      So take his advice
      Think once, think twice
      But always remember the price
      I have a dream...

    15. #15
      Member blackjack's Avatar
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      Ill post some more if people like this one
      I have a dream...

    16. #16
      Member blackjack's Avatar
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      Haha well I got no responses from the first one so here we go again:

      The Slave
      Whipped and shipped
      To lands unknown
      Kids grown
      Without a father
      ... Where was their honor?

      Dignity stripped along with their clothes
      No one else can ever know their woes
      A strange man
      In a strange land
      … Where was their humanity?

      A pale skinned man
      Cut off his hand
      Cause he dared to be free
      Ran away, caught and tamed
      What could he say? He covered his shame
      Masked his misery
      Under a fašade of happiness
      His nappiness, doomed him to a life of servitude
      … Where was their compassion?



      Put to work on that cotton
      Sometimes even beaten rotten
      Grew to hate that cotton
      And wished that they had never brought him
      Wanted to go home
      Wanted to roam
      But chained to this plantation
      Trapped in a sinful nation
      … Why?

      Fallen angels
      Strangled,
      Faceless people fading into obscurity
      Never to regain their humanity
      Or their sanity
      Called them negroes, monkeys, even niggers
      They’ll say anything just to pull the trigger
      So they can beat him down
      Make him look like a clown
      For rising up to fill his cup
      And just not giving a fuck
      This nigger’s had enough!
      He washes his hand
      Finds the pale skinned man
      and stands… Silent.
      Refusing to resort to violence
      He keeps his morals
      … Where were theirs?

      He walks away…
      His soul stripped
      His mind broken
      “Back to work! Back to work nigger!” is all he hears
      Fears swirlin, his toes curlin
      He wonders if his children will be free
      Free to think & dream as he once did
      And not have this iron lid, placed over their souls
      Keepin them from their goals
      … What will it take?

      What would it take?
      To kill this hate
      Pointless fury, hate
      He must kill it for his children’s sake
      … But he’s just one man
      Trapped in a strange, savage land
      He hopes to one day be free
      As he takes his last breath
      And he lays himself to rest
      It’s freedom he can finally see
      I have a dream...

    17. #17
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      I like it. It's a very powerful topic, and the poem covers many different facets of it. I can't say much for the style and rhyme-scheme, because that particular format is not something I'm all too familiar with. So, in that respect, it does kind of seem a little disjointed to me. But, I do know that it is a common style of poetry, so I can neither fault of praise it for that. It's simply not something I'm adjusted enough to, to give a real opinion on.

      Overall, though, I thought it was an interesting poem.
      http://i.imgur.com/Ke7qCcF.jpg
      (Or see the very best of my journal entries @ dreamwalkerchronicles.blogspot)

    18. #18
      Member blackjack's Avatar
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      Yeah that was more a spoken word style that I was working on.
      Here's another one that's an actual rap that I'm doing.

      This is my ghetto gospel/
      so quit bein so hostel/
      this shit hurts/
      makes me wonder if it's all worth/
      or is it worse/
      out there on the other side/
      the other grind/
      I can't afford to take my time/
      niggas fallin 6 feet under/
      wonderin if they wanna face lead or time,
      for their crimes cappin brothas for scraps/
      comin outta the womb strapped/
      is it all a big trap/
      get us stuck in the system/
      people won't listen/
      cycle of violence/
      so childish/
      but still can't hide this/
      wisdom that came down from heaven to me in a dream/
      got me keen on settin the record straight/
      killin off this beast called hate/
      I was sent to help change our gate/
      walkin tall with the strength of a continent/
      we been wantin it/
      since we were born/
      but we didn't know where to look/
      so we were torn/ like pages from a book/
      between a lifestyle of opportunity/
      one of unity/
      and death row/
      just so you know/
      that's another name for the ghetto/
      and that's the trap/
      niggas gotta hold tight to their gat/
      never had a chance/
      to make his advance/
      hold high his head/
      and tread these treacherous waters/
      had to use a life raft instead of a boat/
      just to stay afloat/
      but somehow we survived the storm/
      and we may still be reborn/
      this time into light/
      chase away the fright/
      extinct our plight/
      magnify our might/
      and focus our sight/
      on the that one thing that makes you sing/
      where it be that wild thing/
      or that you just can't wait to be king/
      yo it'll come/
      and when it does/
      just remember... fly to the sun
      I have a dream...

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