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    1. #1
      Bio-Turing Machine O'nus's Avatar
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      Book: First Chapter - Feedback

      Hello all.

      I have done quite a bit of research for this book.. I have just finished my first chapter. It is completely rough and I am curious what people think of this. All feedback is accepted as I will integrate all of it for the rest of my writing.

      It is of a horror theme.

      You will die. Take a moment to realize that your life will end one day. Will your future self be thankful for how you spend each of these moments? If you would like a story to warm your heart, stop reading. There are no survivors of this story. We all die.

      ADAM

      CHAPTER 1
      Adam took a sharp gasping breath as he woke up from his bed. He sat up in his dirty sheets and glared around his room. His chest beat. He looked down at himself and saw his chest beating outwards, the skin moving. He tried to shut his eyes but he was too frightened of what was around him. He tried to distract himself by looking around the room. Torn wallpaper peeling down to cracked tile. A sharp beating in his sternum. A still fan smothered in cobwebs. Ribs crying under pressure. He looked out to the hallway. The floor covered in broken objects and chains on a door to the other room. Pressure leaves his chest. He remembers why he is there. Beating comes to a tolerable pace. Finally.

      As he turned to the side of his bed, he kicks his feet onto the floor and grasps his face. His eyes are sore. He rubs anyway. As he is rubbing his eyes, he sees the glimpse of a woman staring at him through his fingers. He pauses while his eyes are covered. Could she have gotten in here with him? Is she in front of him at his bedside? He removes his hands. There is nothing. He begins to stand. As his knees push him upward, he feels the room turn against him. His knees feel locked into place and his body twists towards the ground. His hands desperately reach forward to the wall. He finds support. The room stabilizes. How could he make it to the room? Why does he sleep here?

      The dirty wall crumbles dust and insects as he drags his hands across the surface. His face is heavy and it falls towards the ground as he walks toward his bedroom door. Standing grounded in the doorway, he looks at the two other doors and staircase downwards. He cannot see the bottom of the stairs. What was down there anyway? There are broken lamps, pieces of wood, and other objects on the floor. Her door is still chained shut. Good. The bathroom is across from his room. The bathroom door is the cleanest aside from the stain of vomit at the bottom. Still need to clean that up. It has dried to the door. Still need to get rid of that smell. He steps forward. A nail jabs into his barefoot. Pinch of pain. Forgot she threw that board out here. Blood seeps around the sole. Blurry eyes set in. Can’t stare to the ground for too long. Glance at the staircase. His knees begin to lock again, the room twists. The ground leaves him. He is falling into the staircase. Staring at the ceiling.. their are cobwebs with hands reaching towards him. The hands are restrained by the cobwebs and dust. They cannot reach him. He falls.

      Laying on the floor in the hallway. Didn’t fall down the stairs. Need to focus. Adam looks to the chained door that he is now laying in front of. A murmuring groan echoes from within. She’s still alive. Good. He reaches up to the railing to pull himself up. As he grasps, the railing immediately snaps and he falls again to the ground. He gets himself up. His foot is smearing the dusty floor. He lurches toward the bathroom and knocks the door down. The room is cluttered with empty medicine containers, cups, needles, and dirty rags. The sink is cluttered with needles. He stumbles to the sink and reaches to turn on the rusty tap. The water line groans as an indignant woman. The groaning gets louder. It sounds as a sick woman demanding help but unable to make a legible sound. It begins to squeal as though she is dying. The tap begins to spew forth water. He cups his hands and splashes it onto his face. It seeps into his mouth and he tastes the bitter salty water. Dry tongue. He grasps his tongue and peels off the dry layer of skin. There is more. He pinches and peels more. The layers fill the sink. He looks to the sink in disgust. The skin is swimming in the putrid water. As he begins to look up he catches the glimpse of the woman sticking her tongue out. Splash of water. She’s gone.

      CHAPTER 2
      He stares at himself in the mirror.
      ~

    2. #2
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      More detail and thought streams. You said in one page of text what would take me 10.

    3. #3
      Bio-Turing Machine O'nus's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by ninja9578 View Post
      More detail and thought streams. You said in one page of text what would take me 10.
      Good point. Thank you.

      ~

    4. #4
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      Not saying that you need to slow down. Go fast and get your ideas out first, then go back and fill in the details in the second draft, then refine it in the third. For my first book, I think the first draft was about 250 pages, the second draft was 450, the final release was 336.

    5. #5
      bleak... nerve's Avatar
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      oh shit O'nus, you can write better than this :(

      I don't even know you that well, but I know you can write better.

      ok (on top of what ninja said- it seems more like an outline than a full chapter), do something about all of the "he"s, too many sentences start with "he." and there are too many sentences, stops. I guess that's supposed to be for effect? but...don't. it's just annoying. I'm willing to bet if someone picked this up in a bookstore, they'd see that and immediately put it back. you could implement it here and there, but don't write the whole book that way. and this:

      As he turned to the side of his bed, he kicks his feet onto the floor and grasps his face.

      NO. I'm pretty sure this is like, grammar101, but you're mixing tenses. DON'T MIX TENSES. pick one: past, present, whatever, and make sure you stick with it. so for example that should be either "Turning to the side of his bed, he kicks his feet..." or "He turned to the side of the bed, and kicked his feet..." or, something like that. I'm not going to lie, I need to brush up on my own grammar, but I at least know that much.

      you should also pick a perspective, first person, second person, etc. and make sure you keep consistent with that too. I'm not sure if you did, I couldn't tell. it was a rather confusing, especially towards the end.

      I'm pretty sure this is a no-no too: He begins to stand.

      just like with crying, you don't begin to, you do it or you don't.
      I would recommend brushing up on your grammar, find a book or research it online. I'd also recommend expanding your vocabulary. do you read a lot...? underline or write down every word you're not familiar with, look them up, and write them all down with the definitions in a notebook.

      work on analogy/metaphor, and descriptions. do what Sylvia Plath did religiously: anytime you go anywhere, look around and take mental notes. what is on the walls? how is the lighting? what colour is the furniture? what is the overall feel of the room? what are the people around you wearing? everything. your descriptions want colour.

      oh, and acquire this book somehow, if possible: (link) it's a GREAT book on writing fiction. I was very impressed by the authors sternness.

      I'm sorry if I have been too vague. I may have to come back when I'm not so distracted and give you specific examples. or something. that is, if you don't completely hate me after you read this. I'm not an expert writer or anything, but I can more or less distinguish good writing from mediocre. I'm sorry, but I must say, I was rather disappointed. your story just did not draw me in, it was painful to read, even. but you at least wrote something, and weren't afraid to let others critique it, and many people can't even do that. just don't give up.


      Ignorant bliss is an oxymoron; but so is miserable truth.

    6. #6
      Bio-Turing Machine O'nus's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by rottingteeth View Post
      oh shit O'nus, you can write better than this

      I don't even know you that well, but I know you can write better.

      ok (on top of what ninja said- it seems more like an outline than a full chapter), do something about all of the "he"s, too many sentences start with "he." and there are too many sentences, stops. I guess that's supposed to be for effect? but...don't. it's just annoying. I'm willing to bet if someone picked this up in a bookstore, they'd see that and immediately put it back. you could implement it here and there, but don't write the whole book that way. and this:

      As he turned to the side of his bed, he kicks his feet onto the floor and grasps his face.

      NO. I'm pretty sure this is like, grammar101, but you're mixing tenses. DON'T MIX TENSES. pick one: past, present, whatever, and make sure you stick with it. so for example that should be either "Turning to the side of his bed, he kicks his feet..." or "He turned to the side of the bed, and kicked his feet..." or, something like that. I'm not going to lie, I need to brush up on my own grammar, but I at least know that much.

      you should also pick a perspective, first person, second person, etc. and make sure you keep consistent with that too. I'm not sure if you did, I couldn't tell. it was a rather confusing, especially towards the end.

      I'm pretty sure this is a no-no too: He begins to stand.

      just like with crying, you don't begin to, you do it or you don't.
      I would recommend brushing up on your grammar, find a book or research it online. I'd also recommend expanding your vocabulary. do you read a lot...? underline or write down every word you're not familiar with, look them up, and write them all down with the definitions in a notebook.

      work on analogy/metaphor, and descriptions. do what Sylvia Plath did religiously: anytime you go anywhere, look around and take mental notes. what is on the walls? how is the lighting? what colour is the furniture? what is the overall feel of the room? what are the people around you wearing? everything. your descriptions want colour.

      oh, and acquire this book somehow, if possible: (link) it's a GREAT book on writing fiction. I was very impressed by the authors sternness.

      I'm sorry if I have been too vague. I may have to come back when I'm not so distracted and give you specific examples. or something. that is, if you don't completely hate me after you read this. I'm not an expert writer or anything, but I can more or less distinguish good writing from mediocre. I'm sorry, but I must say, I was rather disappointed. your story just did not draw me in, it was painful to read, even. but you at least wrote something, and weren't afraid to let others critique it, and many people can't even do that. just don't give up.
      Ouch..

      Do I read a lot..?

      This was my very, very rough spewing of words at 4 am.

      This post of yours has warranted my notion to scrap the whole thing and start when I have more structure. Thank you.

      ~

    7. #7
      Veteran of the DV Wars Man of Steel's Avatar
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      While I agree with everything that rottingteeth said, and would have said the same, I would add that I do NOT think you should scrap this, O'nus.

      I know damn well you can write much better, so do it. Go through, as Ninja suggested, and flesh it out, but also pare it down. Lengthen the sentences, extrapolate more on the protagonist's state of mind, utilize commas more. Give us more of an idea—even if only hints—of why he feels as he does, make us feel his emotions as we read. Provide more description, throw in a few more adjectives and descriptors.

      Ask yourself the pertinent questions, and answer them in the text to set the scene: who; what; when; where; how; why? Who is the protagonist? What is he doing? What is he thinking? What is he wearing? When is the story taking place (in context)? Where is the protagonist? How did he get there? Why is he there? Why is he in the state he is in? What state is that?

      These are things I go through after I get the rough draft written, and if these questions have not been answered satisfactorily in that first writing, I go over it and edit in the answers. Obviously this should be one in context, gradually bringing out more information. A certain amount should be easily grasped, though. That first page is the hook, that first paragraph is the sharp—or not so sharp—tip of that hook. The second paragraph is the barb of the hook.

      So you've got your generally hook-shaped piece of forged steel pounded into shape, now you just need to sharpen the point, craft the barb, and hone it all into a polished, shiny marvel that will pierce at a mere glance.

      Go get 'em, tiger.

    8. #8
      bleak... nerve's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by O'nus View Post
      Ouch..

      Do I read a lot..?

      This was my very, very rough spewing of words at 4 am.

      This post of yours has warranted my notion to scrap the whole thing and start when I have more structure. Thank you.

      ~
      O'nus, I really like you, honestly. I remember you as being a pretty sharp guy. I wasn't trying to dissuade or discourage you from writing, and I certainly didn't write all that just to be mean. I was trying to help. you neglected to mention that this was a "very, very rough spewing of words at 4 am" in the initial post, so I was thinking this was the actual first rough draft.

      anyway, I did say not to give up. I'm just not going to sit there and lie to someone and tell them everything is perfect, just to make them feel good. you should appreciate honest constructive criticism, because a lot of people will just lie to you like that out of fear of hurting your feelings. if I did at all, it wasn't intentional. I spent a lot of time on that reply because I wanted to help and encourage you. :)


      Ignorant bliss is an oxymoron; but so is miserable truth.

    9. #9
      Bio-Turing Machine O'nus's Avatar
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      lol - I can tell people have gotten much more sensitive in Artists' Corner over the time..

      I posted this thing because I wanted the rough criticism on it. I did not think highly of it to begin with because I think it can be much better. I just did not want to hide it and wanted to hear exactly what you guys have said.

      Again, thank you, really, I mean it. I will continue working on it, of course, just sharing the process with ya'll as I go. Keep subscription going to this thread and I'll keep posting the first chapter as I edit it.

      I appreciate it!

      ~

    10. #10
      Member Vampyre's Avatar
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      This post of yours has warranted my notion to scrap the whole thing and start when I have more structure
      Does not mean: "I'm giving up." It's more like: "I need to plan out some more before I continue writing."

    11. #11
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      It's pretty good for a rough draft, Onus. You shouldn't scrap this, just read it over, add more detail and flow. Although, I imagine that you are trying to put the reader in a scitzophrenic state of mind that the character is in (or am I interpreting wrong?), so the quick jolting sentences are good at doing that. However, reading a whole book like that would get tedious.

      More detail and thought streams.
      That's all you need.

    12. #12
      bleak... nerve's Avatar
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      any progress?


      Ignorant bliss is an oxymoron; but so is miserable truth.

    13. #13
      Bio-Turing Machine O'nus's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by rottingteeth View Post
      any progress?
      Heavy procrastination.

      Think I'll get around to it soon though.

      ~

    14. #14
      thinker...Dreamer...geek zeldafreak's Avatar
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      I really like the first chapter and really want more. I hope it will become pouplar. best of luck with the book.

      I do think it needs more of this ->
      Lucid goals
      Fly [ ] Run very fast [ ] destroy death star [ ] hover board [ ] super powers [ ] become lucid and stay so for longer than 5 secounds [X]

    15. #15
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      Not bad~
      Bollocks.

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