oh shit O'nus, you can write better than this
I don't even know you that well, but I know you can write better.
ok (on top of what ninja said- it seems more like an
outline than a full chapter), do something about all of the "he"s, too many sentences start with "he." and there are too many sentences, stops. I guess that's supposed to be for effect? but...don't. it's just annoying. I'm willing to bet if someone picked this up in a bookstore, they'd see that and immediately put it back. you could implement it here and there, but don't write the whole book that way. and this:
As he turned to the side of his bed, he kicks his feet onto the floor and grasps his face.
NO. I'm pretty sure this is like, grammar101, but you're mixing tenses. DON'T MIX TENSES. pick one: past, present, whatever, and make sure you stick with it. so for example that should be either "Turning to the side of his bed, he kicks his feet..." or "He turned to the side of the bed, and kicked his feet..." or, something like that. I'm not going to lie, I need to brush up on my own grammar, but I at least know that much.
you should also pick a perspective, first person, second person, etc. and make sure you keep consistent with that too. I'm not sure if you did, I couldn't tell. it was a rather confusing, especially towards the end.
I'm pretty sure this is a no-no too:
He begins to stand.
just like with crying, you don't begin to, you do it or you don't.
I would recommend brushing up on your grammar, find a book or research it online. I'd also recommend expanding your vocabulary. do you read a lot...? underline or write down every word you're not familiar with, look them up, and write them all down with the definitions in a notebook.
work on analogy/metaphor, and descriptions. do what Sylvia Plath did religiously: anytime you go anywhere, look around and take mental notes. what is on the walls? how is the lighting? what colour is the furniture? what is the overall feel of the room? what are the people around you wearing? everything. your descriptions want colour.
oh, and acquire this book somehow, if possible:
(link) it's a GREAT book on writing fiction. I was very impressed by the authors sternness.
I'm sorry if I have been too vague. I may have to come back when I'm not so distracted and give you specific examples. or something. that is, if you don't completely hate me after you read this. I'm not an expert writer or anything, but I can more or less distinguish good writing from mediocre. I'm sorry, but I must say, I was rather disappointed. your story just did not
draw me in, it was painful to read, even. but you at least wrote something, and weren't afraid to let others critique it, and many people can't even do that. just don't give up.
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