Thread: The Crow Cult

Finding it hard to care about Robert.

Or the situation. More development of character k

For what it's worth, I liked this. Kinda reminded me of Neil Gaiman.

HOWEVER, I picked up some niggly little things. For one, in the start there, where he's thinking to himself:

'I have only a month left to register for spring semester, but I still don't know where I'm going.' Straight ahead, there were only a few blocks left until he would reach his house. 'I like learning. There's still so much to learn, but I can't learn everything.' He shuffled slowly past thin Douglas-firs and driveways with chain-wheeled SUVs. 'I'm bright, I guess, but such a dud. Mom asks me every dinner what I plan to do with myself. I can't say. I can't decide, and I can't even imagine. This was my semester off. This was my chance to find “My Calling,” as mom calls it, and I'm just as lost as when I started.' Now at the door, warm key met frozen keyhole, and he turned the slick knob. 'And even if I chose a major, even if I got a job, then what?' More crows made themselves known, all cawing, but no louder than before. His boot steps were softer now, cushioned by a lighter snow. 'I'll work and pay off my debt, and then retire and die. I am one small speck of space, here for one small speck of time. I won't matter. Don't most people shake off their existentialism by their late teens?' A dozen more crows glide overhead, roosting on needly branches of tall pines.

. . . I was initially confused as to whether this was thought or dialogue. You've established in the paragraph beforehand that thought is represented through single quotation marks, but as there has been no preceding dialogue, for all the reader knows single quotation marks could represent speech also. It's established in the next paragraph that speech is represented through double quotation marks, yeah, but it causes the reader to do a double-take and it breaks the flow of the story. Or, if you're like me (retarded), you miss the whole thing and continue to think he'd been talking to himself until you reread it again and realise that a) Kiza's stupid, and b) that method of thought and speech representation may be a bit confusing. Personally, I'd just go with italics for thought, and quotation marks for speech, but of course it's your story and you're free to do whatever you want.

Also, in the last sentence of the paragraph I quoted there, it should be "A dozen more crows glided overhead . . ." Don't wanna go all wack and switch tenses in the middle of the story, yo.

Also a couple of tiny issues with the first paragraph:

One dozen eggs, two frozen pizzas, a pack of bagels, four cans of cat food, and a gallon of 2% milk, snuggly and geometrically packed by one Robert Falbe, who was carrying the load in a recycled paper bag. He had just reached the end of the slush-lined Cleveland Avenue (one of Fargo's busier streets) and turned his boots toward the residential, slush-embossed Hill Street, when some form of luck struck. A bundled-up (dedicated!) motorcyclist buzzed and growled past pedestrian Robert, and while he knew that the biker wasn't the cause of his icy slip five seconds later, he blamed it on him anyway.

1. It's snugly, not snuggly. Not really a big thing but it is in your first sentence and you don't want people dismissing it out of hand because of a spelling mistake in the first few words.

2. ". . . motorcyclist buzzed and growled past pedestrian Robert . . ." The "pedestrian" here is unnecessary, since in the preceding sentences you've really given the reader the idea that Robert is a pedestrian. I know, it's a stupid small thing, but I'm a stupid small person.

I know it looks like I fucking hate this story or something, but I don't. I'm actually liking it quite a lot. I'm just niggly, is all, when it comes to writing. It's all the small niggly things that come together to make a big thing, so if one of those small things is not as good as it can be, it's out of place in the whole, uh, big thing. Okay this is a pretty bad metaphor, but you should probably know what I'm getting at.

Mostly I'm just impressed that you've managed to write this while the most I've written in the past 2 months is probably this post.

What Kiza said. In fact, everything Kiza said. Except the stupid small person thing, because I am an intelligent large person. Well, not really large, but at least average. So not small.

Anyway, yeah. Italics for thoughts, double quotes for speech, tends to be the American standard. Now, since the grammar and spelling has already been critiqued, I'll just say that I like the story direction. Could use a bit more description of surroundings. I kind of felt like I was seeing Robert's (I had to scroll up to remember his name; character development would be nice for the next chapter) surroundings through tunnel vision. You're using third person narrative, so tell us more about the street, maybe. This does not have to detract from Robert's own tunnel vision, necessarily.

Or perhaps you wanted little to be known about his street, and the focus to be on his thoughts until he opened the door to another world with the special key. Then it sort of comes out more freely. I dunno. Your story.

In short (is it ever, when I'm talking?) I like it, Abrakadabra. Keep it up; I'll be reading and commenting.

Typos and stuff fixed~

I will work on characterization. But really, Robert Falbe isn't the type of person one would care about. He starts out as an unattentive, lazy, and stubborn pawn, but ends up compassionate and driven. Funny thing is, it's all circumstantial (most anyone would behave similarly). This is my fault, and the story has already grown around it. From this point on, I'll try to put in increased description of personality, fleshed-out reactions, and more insight into his thought process (but he's still not too likeable).

The description is tunnel vision as his thoughts are tunnel vision. Whatever goes unnoticed or untouched is left out. Also, it's an average street with borderline winter weather, and I'm relying on the reader's schema to fill in the blanks. More exotic locations will call for more details, which I shall gladly give. I'm worried about length (my description to action to characterization ratio), otherwise I'd flesh out the scene more. In the first chapter, I wanted to jump into the fantasy world as fast as possible. I can slow it down from here.

Herp, the above is subject to change. The course of the story is pretty much set, but the delivery is all very tentative. I just came up with this idea last night. This story doesn't have some giant meaning behind it, or a complex plot. I just liked the idea, liked the setting, liked the idea of crows that can ignite themselves. I want to finish, though, because usually I don't.