Poetry Battle

(Was gonna put this in the Artist's Corner, but for some reason, that didn't want to work at all. So, here we go..)

Ok. Two (nameless) people I know are having a rhyme-off. The challenge is to see who could write a better, emotional, straight-from-the-heart poem. Poet #1 is writing about a love interest, and poet #2 is writing about his daughter.

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Originally Posted by Poet #1

You wanted this to be deep
and you wanted emotion.
Is this what you want to keep?
Well, this is my devotion.
I love you so hard,
and hate you so much.
I feel like a retard,
that needs a fuckin crutch.
You said to learn patience.
Patience for what?
Another bitch to get the chance,
like a squirrel stealing my nut?
Is that what I am to you,
or all I will ever be?
Just a friend through and through?
Damn man, why won't you see,
the drama we have is because I feel slighted?
Don't you think things would be better,
if we could just try to be united,
and not apart because of a stupid love letter?
You're not ready, so you keep saying...
Ready for what? Love?
Then you should be praying
to the good Lord above.
I'm not pretty enough on the out,
but my inside is beautiful,
which makes me gorgeous without a doubt.
You just need to get a good eyeful.
I'm hurt and I'm angry,
but the fact remains the same -
that I'm in love with you, dangerously,
even with all the pain.
You wanted this to be deep,
and you wanted to feel emotion.
Well, this is yours to keep,
cause this is my undying devotion.

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Originally Posted by Poet #2

Baby of mine. The sight of you, it hits my eyes like Blu-Ray.
My sunshine. Your first breath was the dawning of a new day.
Pushing back the darkness and the emptiness I'd felt.
My pint-sized superhero came and saved my from myself.
Where would I be, if not forced to step up and be a man?
Was unprepared to face my fate, beyond the sonogram.
I never planned to have to grow up overnight.
And I didn't understand quite how you would affect my life.
I asked myself each night if what I did that day was right.
When things didn't look bright, you made sure that I kept sight
of the most important things, in spite of all my sufferings.
Kept my mind in focus, but anxious for what tomorrow brings.
Damn the pride, I admit, I was straight terrified inside.
Had done and seen a lot, but wasn't ready for this ride.
Jack of all trades, but can't deny the realization
that there's no shred of doubt that you are my greatest creation.
And through all the frustration of a father in-making
I'm still so proud that I can't take it, but there's just no mistaking
that I'm new to this fatherhood thing, but doin' my best.
Just another life lesson, and I always was good at tests.
So I go forward in my life, using you for direction.
Your best interests in mind, I Breathe your trust and protection,
and I'm human, so I'm flawed, but without you, I'd be worthless.
Just to see you smile at all, make me feel like a better person.
My inspiration. Your spark kick-starts my nervous system's circuits.
You're the muse that keeps this dude from dropping six feet in the dirt. It
doesn't matter how I hurt or how sometimes I feel uncertain,
parenthood's s'posed to be work! And all that matters is; You're Worth It!

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Cast your votes!

And this is in fun, so only constructive criticism allowed on each entry. :P

I voted for number two. It's so sweet.

I vote neither, because they are both hackneyed and dry. I couldn't even finish either of them.

constructive criticism? uh, how about taking a class, or just study some real poetry.

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Originally Posted by nerve

I vote neither, because they are both hackneyed and dry. I couldn't even finish either of them.

constructive criticism? uh, how about taking a class, or just study some real poetry.

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I said that this was simply done in fun. Considering some of the work you have posted in the Artist's Corner, I actually figured you might have contributed with something a little more humble. How naive of me.

But hey, thanks for the "input." Rofl.

Both inane and with neither style nor substance.

Second one has some slight potential in terms of imagery. Badly executed here, but I like some of the ideas and wish more had been done with them.

The first is irredeemable. Just. Aaah.

The second one. Moved to AC.

The first one's vague. I feel like it just stops short of getting somewhere, each time it tries.

I like the second one. Only criticism I have is that I didn't like the blu-ray line, which isn't really criticism. And the "you're worth it" line is just a little too cliche-sounding. Over done. Otherwise, it's good.

They're both obviously speaking from person experiences, but poet number one is all over the place with his/her thoughts. Like he/she's venting and writing whatever he feels at the moment down. The way it's written, it could work in a song or spoke word, but it doesn't do much on paper. Poet number two stuck to what he was talking about, and was able to put me in perspective to what he was feeling with out being vague.

Ok. Thanks for the votes and opinions, everyone. #1 has forfeit, due to the way the numbers are looking so far. The poll stays open until the cut-off, though, for anyone else who wants to chime in. :)

I'd say skill wise they are both about equal. The reason why number 2 is so clearly better, in my opinion, is because it has real emotion in it. You can honestly tell that this guy is madly in love with his child. Number 1 sounds kind of angsty, like in a couple months he'll realize he didn't really care as much as he thinks he does now.

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

I said that this was simply done in fun. Considering some of the work you have posted in the Artist's Corner, I actually figured you might have contributed with something a little more humble. How naive of me.

But hey, thanks for the "input." Rofl.

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I was simply being honest. besides, writing and drawing/painting are two totally different things, you can't compare them.

I really was being honest, and not trying to be rude, and I don't think I could have sugar coated it because I felt they were that terrible...and even though you said it was all in fun, the subject matter of both poems were fairly serious. now, if the poems were about a happy dancing squirrel or a fisherman reeling in a talking fish, or something silly like that, I think it would be different. maybe I just appreciate and respect good literature too much to see anything "fun" in shoddy "poetry" like this.

but hey, thanks for the stab at my art, which I already admit most of is shitty when I post it. yeah, thanks.

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Originally Posted by nerve

I was simply being honest. besides, writing and drawing/painting are two totally different things, you can't compare them.

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They are perhaps more closely-related than you know: Especially on the base level that they both require a level of skill, and someone who respects that level of skill can either be a douche and say "Your piece was so bad, I'm not even going to do it the service of assessing it. You're looking for constructive criticism? Well I can't be bothered by telling you what I think could be fixed. I'm just going to tell you that its garbage, and you need to take a class before you attempt something like "art/poetry" again", or they can say "Well what I think is wrong with it is this..."

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Originally Posted by nerve

I really was being honest, and not trying to be rude, and I don't think I could have sugar coated it because I felt they were that terrible...and even though you said it was all in fun, the subject matter of both poems were fairly serious. now, if the poems were about a happy dancing squirrel or a fisherman reeling in a talking fish, or something silly like that, I think it would be different. maybe I just appreciate and respect good literature too much to see anything "fun" in shoddy "poetry" like this.

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In essence, posting shoddy art is posting shoddy art, whether it be graphic art or poetry. You can't post one and expect mature, tempered, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, and then turn around and spit at someone else's with a pompous, rather elitist tone, and not be a hypocrite.

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Originally Posted by nerve

but hey, thanks for the stab at my art, which I already admit most of is shitty when I post it. yeah, thanks.

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Hey, I was just being honest.

(See how that works?)

Now, to attempt to turn what I feel might have been hyperbolic negatives into positives...

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Originally Posted by nerve

I couldn't even finish either of them.

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Originally Posted by Sin

Both inane

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Ouch. Ok. The second one was mine. How can I improve upon it? What is it missing? What more can I put in a poem of that size, that says so much?

Xox, I agree completely about the Blu-Ray line and last line. I waited until the end off our little contest, and wrote the poem up at the last minute. There are quite a few things in there that I'm not happy with. Those would be two of them.

Xaq, thank you! That's what we were going for. I'm glad that I was at least able to convey some level of emotion. It is a little different from my usual writing style.

believe it or not, when it comes to anatomy you can always say something. but when a poem is that bad, there's not much you can say, except maybe

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how about taking a class, or just study some real poetry.

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you're just butthurt because I let you know your poem sucks dick and you don't want to believe it.

(before you try to throw the dick sucking statement back on me, I'm strict capital D.)

also, I already said most of my "art" is shit. see sig.

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Originally Posted by nerve

believe it or not, when it comes to anatomy you can always say something. but when a poem is that bad, there's not much you can say, except maybe you're just butthurt because I let you know your poem sucks dick and you don't want to believe it.

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What you lack in graphic skills, you make up for in rhetoric. Way to skirt around my point. I'm sure there are maybe one or two people reading this thread, who might not have caught your side-step. Bravo.

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Originally Posted by nerve

also, I already said most of my "art" is shit. see sig.

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And I'm sure making it a point to tell people you think your art is shit helps to soften the blow, when they agree. That is why you do it, so prolifically. It's a common defense mechanism. You know this, though. I'm sure.

Not that I expect anything better, or more mature of you, but now do you have anything specific to offer? With your grand knowledge of all things poetry, do you think you could stop being a dick long enough to give me some of your own, personal perspective?

If not, I understand. You're not exactly a rare breed.

well, the only thing I have to say is, I sincerely admire you and look forward to shaking your hand at the dv meet.

that is, if you don't totally hate me now :')

If you want to do a better poem, some practical steps towards that might be reading far more poetry, and spending time revising and editing your own work. Being able to scrawl out spontaneous genius is rare as fuck, and especially difficult given a powerful poem tends to have little by way of wasted words.

Immerse yourself in some poetry (of all kinds, do try and look at differing schools and styles and eras) and then write something out. Then read it over. And revise it. Over. And over. And over. Until every verse is something you're fucking proud of.

I knew that second one was yours. I even imagined you reading it out loud as I was reading it. :D

I thought it was quite good, minus the blu-ray. ;)

I liked the Blu-ray image. He just didn't do anything spectacular with it, so it seemed awkwardly inserted.

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Originally Posted by nerve

well, the only thing I have to say is, I sincerely admire you and look forward to shaking your hand at the dv meet.

that is, if you don't totally hate me now :')

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Spilled milk, man. No hard feelings. :cheers:

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Originally Posted by Siиdяed

If you want to do a better poem, some practical steps towards that might be reading far more poetry, and spending time revising and editing your own work. Being able to scrawl out spontaneous genius is rare as fuck, and especially difficult given a powerful poem tends to have little by way of wasted words.

Immerse yourself in some poetry (of all kinds, do try and look at differing schools and styles and eras) and then write something out. Then read it over. And revise it. Over. And over. And over. Until every verse is something you're fucking proud of.

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Thank you, Sin.

You see, I've always liked writing, but "poetry" has never really been my thing. I rap, which is much more straight-forward, so what separates a good rhyme from actual "poetry", is a line I'm really not too familiar with.

I definitely agree about the revising every line thing, but it must be considered that this was a timed contest. I did mine in little more than an hour (truthfully, it's because I procrastinated until the end, already sure that I was going to with the contest. Lol.) so I really didn't leave myself enough time for revision.

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Originally Posted by Aquanina

I thought it was quite good, minus the blu-ray. ;)

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Originally Posted by Siиdяed

I liked the Blu-ray image. He just didn't do anything spectacular with it, so it seemed awkwardly inserted.

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I think Xox nailed it. By the end, the Blu-Ray line was something I wished I would have either changed, or taken out. That, and the "you're worth it" line. But I was down to the wire, and needed something to rhyme, as well as "sum up" how I felt about the whole thing. That was the best I could come up with, then and there. Lol.

But yeah, I agree that, overall, it was a bit half-assed. With no restriction, there's no question that I could do much better. But when I saw words like "inane", and tone like nerve was taking, I got a bit up in arms, because I didn't think it was that bad. :cheeky:

I appreciate the feedback, though, everyone. :

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

I rap, which is much more straight-forward, so what separates a good rhyme from actual "poetry", is a line I'm really not too familiar with.

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Here are some things I think about when I try to cross that line between rap and poetry. Maybe they'll work for you.

Try to get deeper with your metaphors. To the point where three people could read them and get three different meanings out of it. Avoid "Like" whenever describing it. Try to avoid all pop culture references. Try different styles of rhyming since you don't have to be confined to bars like most raps. Focus on the entire sentence. And most of all, just practice.

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Originally Posted by Akono

Here are some things I think about when I try to cross that line between rap and poetry. Maybe they'll work for you.

Try to get deeper with your metaphors. To the point where three people could read them and get three different meanings out of it. Avoid "Like" whenever describing it. Try to avoid all pop culture references. Try different styles of rhyming since you don't have to be confined to bars like most raps. Focus on the entire sentence. And most of all, just practice.

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Very good advice, Akono. Thanks. :goodjob2:

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Originally Posted by Akono

Try to avoid all pop culture references.

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Not sure everyone from modernism onwards would agree.

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Originally Posted by Siиdяed

Not sure everyone from modernism onwards would agree.

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The same with spoke word. it was just a generalization though.

WHOA WHOA WHOA, hold up, I got a couple things to say.

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Originally Posted by Oneironaut

What you lack in graphic skills, you make up for in rhetoric. Way to skirt around my point. I'm sure there are maybe one or two people reading this thread, who might not have caught your side-step. Bravo.

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I didn't miss it, I'm not stupid. I just didn't agree with it at the time and really didn't feel like going into why. but I thought about is some, and you know what, you're right. it really is the same in that sense...but then, graphic art can also be so awful that you can't say much besides "take a class" or "study other art."

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And I'm sure making it a point to tell people you think your art is shit helps to soften the blow, when they agree. That is why you do it, so prolifically. It's a common defense mechanism. You know this, though. I'm sure.

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I'm not too stubborn to admit that might be some part of it. then part of it could be habit picked up from other artists I watch in the communities, I know alot of them do it. but actually, the conscious reason I say a lot of my pictures are crap is because I have enough perspective to see that they really are. if someone agrees with me, that's great, it means they have enough perspective to see it too. in fact I prefer that a hundred times over superficial or ass-kissing comments like "ooh, that's nice" or "I like it! :)" they mean nothing to me. :\

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Not that I expect anything better, or more mature of you, but now do you have anything specific to offer? With your grand knowledge of all things poetry, do you think you could stop being a dick long enough to give me some of your own, personal perspective?

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yes, ok, alright. I thought about it some and actually came up with more specific criticism (but others pretty much beat me to it, esp. Akono): use analogy, and metaphor.

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Originally Posted by Akono

Try to get deeper with your metaphors. To the point where three people could read them and get three different meanings out of it.

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THIS. this this this this this. this is the stuff of real poetry. you pretty much flatly stated everything. "I saw blank, it made me feel blank"

that is very, very dry and painful to read. and the rhymes are hackneyed, as in over-used, as in, I've heard them incessantly over the years in pop radio and elsewhere. I think rhyming poetry can be quite good, but I think it's a little harder to write a decent non-rhyming poem. beginners usually choose rhyming, precisely because it's easier when you've heard all these simple basic rhymes all your life.

everytime you cry,
it makes me want to die.
inside I feel so weak,
my whole world becomes bleak.
come now dry your eyes,
and forget about the lies
you were fed since you were born
now is not the time to morn...

see, wrote that in 5 seconds. GENIUS!!!!!! :|

but seriously, I see shit like that everywhere and it makes me ill. the worst part is, the people who write it think it's good enough to be anything more than a deleted thought, and actually post it places. christ.

this is also very good:

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Originally Posted by Akono

Try different styles of rhyming since you don't have to be confined to bars like most raps.

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yessss.

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If not, I understand. You're not exactly a rare breed.

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:0!!!!!! SERIOUSLY???!?!

I mean, you're basically saying I'm a dime a dozen here - right? WOW! I sincerely hope you're right, because I've pretty much had no friends my entire life and have yet to come across anyone who has much in common with me. please, PLEASE, if you know even one person who is anything like me, PLEASE - tell them I have been searching for them all my life. :\