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    1. #1
      Member Amethyst Star's Avatar
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      Some of my novel....

      I do enjoy writing and I thought I'd share some of it with you today. Granted it won't be much, but feel free to enjoy it. If you'd like to read some of my other stories, you can go to www.fictionpress.com/~amethyststar and you can find more. Anyway, here it goes.

      As Dark as Shadows

      Prologue

      “What is your name?”

      “Why should I tell you?”

      “I’m just curious. If you give me your name, I’ll give you mine.”

      “Okay, it’s Kelly.”

      “You have a last name?”

      “Maybe, but you didn’t ask me for my last name. That wasn’t part of our agreement.”

      “Shrewd. Alright… if you tell me your last name I’ll give you my first and I’ll answer any one question you have for me.”

      “Tell me your first name first.”

      “Alex.”

      “Kelly Ringsemm.”

      “And your question…”

      “Why do you need my name?”

      “So I can contact you later.”

      “About what?”

      “That’s two questions. That wasn’t part of our agreement.”

      “Ha, very funny.”

      “I thought so. We’ll be in touch.”

      “Wait, are you leaving so soon?... Hello?”



      Kelly received no reply, but rather felt the familiar transition from what was happening into a “normal” dream. When she woke up the next morning, though, she was still focused on the series of questions that she had been asked. As she lied there on her bed she took several minutes to try and fix the occurrence in her mind; as something like that had never happened before she wanted to remember it.

      When she finally decided to get out of bed she pulled back the covers and shivered slightly in the marginally frigid room. Quickly she pulled her robe of heavy purple cotton around her shoulders and headed to the bathroom to take a shower. She was very reluctant to leave the hot water after twenty or so minutes, but she did and hurried back to her room to get dressed. After another couple of minutes of standing in front of the open drawers she picked out what she wanted to wear, put it on, brushed out her hair, and headed downstairs for breakfast.



      The day at Tesrita High School went quite normally. Nothing happened that was out of the ordinary – nothing ever did – with the possible exception of Kelly noticing a couple of people in her school that she usually hadn’t seen much of. Oddities at private schools were generally frowned upon by authority figures and kept to a minimum, making her education predictable and her social life there sometimes rather mundane. She had friends but the only real relaxed times of the day were at lunch and between classes.

      She came home at about 3:30 that afternoon and walked in to hear the sound of her mother saying, “Kelly!”

      “Yah, mom?”

      “You got a letter in the mail today.”

      “From whom?” she asked as she set her backpack down and hung her coat up on a rack. Hearing her mom in the living room she headed towards the sound of her voice.

      “I don’t know. I didn’t check.” When Kelly looked around for it she was told, “It’s on the table where we keep the phone books.”

      She saw it. “Thanks.” She pulled it off of the unscratched, freshly re-stained redwood table and noticed just how elegant the letter was. The envelope was a cream-colored paper of fine quality with her name written in thin calligraphy. When she turned it over she saw that it had been sealed with gold wax that had the letter “A” imprinted within it. There was no return address on the front but on the back she also saw written the name Alex.

      When she saw that she almost dropped it. She had to shut her mouth and clamp her jaw to keep from making a sound but when her mother asked who it was from she replied simply and with forced volume. “I’m not sure.”

      Instead of opening it in the living room she left it and took it upstairs to her bedroom. She quietly shut the door and latched it to keep anyone from entering without an invitation. Sitting down on her bed she slid her hand under the seal and opened the envelope to find a letter printed on the same type of paper as its container. Upon removing and opening it she found that it actually said very little, but rather had a small circle drawn in the center with a few words surrounding it:
      “Kelly Ringsemm,
      Relax and press gently.”

      Something in the back of her mind warned her that there was something missing but curiosity overrode the warning and she softly placed one finger upon it. But as soon as she did so she felt as if time had suddenly halted its progression and she had continued to charge forward. As it happened she saw a man appear in front of her and he began to speak in a stately manner. “Hello Kelly,” he said, and Amethyst recognized the voice that he spoke with.

      “You’re Alex…” she replied with a small amount of hesitancy.

      “You’re correct.” He smiled kindly. “I’m here to tell you something and you may or may not choose to believe me. If you don’t it’s no problem. You’ll snap back to reality and not remember a word I said.”

      “And if I do?”

      “Then your life will become very interesting.”

      The man’s words created a slight amount of dubiousness in her mind, as if “interesting” might turn into an unpleasant adjective, but his smile and the tone of his voice seemed to suggest that “interesting” wasn’t such a bad thing. “I’m listening.”

      “I hoped you would.” He pulled a chair out from in front of Kelly’s desk and sat down in front of her. Then he continued. “Now, you have Talents.”

      Kelly waited for a minute for him to say more but when he didn’t she spoke up. “Um, yah. I’d like to think that everyone has talents.”

      “No, Talents with a capital ‘T’; the predisposition to learn how to make things happen using no more than your mind. You could call it magic, but that more or less suggests cheap card tricks at a child’s birthday party.” He paused at the look of incredulity on her face and smiled. “Of course you don’t believe me, do you? Just look at your watch.”

      Kelly did so, only to find that time had indeed frozen and the numbers on the watch didn’t move. “That’s a nice trick.”

      “Thanks. It took some time to figure out how to do it.” He paused for another moment. “And even though this is a complex Aspect you still have no idea how much a fully trained Talented can do.” He stood up and moved closer to the girl, though no more than three steps. “Ever couple of weeks we attempt to find new people with the ability. Typically Talents are most often found within Talented families, but every now and then we come across Pulavars – humans who have randomly acquired such gifts. When we do, we visit them and give them the chance to be trained or we also have ways to keep the Talents from ever being used. It’s dangerous to have the ability and no know what to do with it.”


      ___________________________________________

      I'll post more as I get it typed up. Also, it does get better as time progresses and more of the character and plot are introduced.

      -Amé

      "If there was one thing the lucid dreaming ninja writer could not stand, it was used car salesmen."

    2. #2
      Member Joseph_Stalin's Avatar
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      Hmm..Overall I'd say this is a pretty good story (judging from the expositional dialogue among other things), but I have some constructive criticism to provide you.

      To begin, your flow is a bit uncoordinated. I know there are certain limits in creating a story, but exposition must contain a strong basis. You word things very nicely, however, so you do make up for this a bit.

      Also, I must say that there is lack of detail in some points, though I do believe that this is mainly because you need to setup some main dialogue/plot intrigue.

      Your dialogue is very down-to-earth, and not blocky in any way. Your description of the letter was also very excellent as well.

      A tad Matrix-esque, but interesting plot center with the "Talents". This seems like it could get very, very, good.

      Good luck,

      "In the end, the lord shalth return in full regulation Soviet Uniform, hailing Lenin as thy true messiah." -Siberian Revealations

    3. #3
      Member Mickeys_Elbow's Avatar
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      Seems like the love child between the Matrix and Harry Potter making it seem a tad cliche. There are so many stories about hidden powers that only select groups share (X-Men, Now You See It, Magic and Mayhem, and the two I mentioned before as examples). But, then again, since there are so many predecessors it makes it a more popular topic with the public, and possibly a better chance of getting published. Just giving my honest opinion... sorry it's a little negative.

      You also word things a bit too much, there are many things that could be lost that the story wouldn't be hurt at all by. If it doesn't add to the plot, or help with character development it's a good idea to lose it or novels begin to get too long way too fast. For example when you describe her getting out of bed to go to breakfast, that whole paragraph could be cut down into one sentence; now the paragraph about her school should be kept as it is because it gives the reader insight as to what kind of a school Kelly is going to and how she feels about it. Details can be your best tools, but they can also bog a story down and turn it into a long winded read.

      Although the premise is a bit cliche, I like it. A secret society of power is something I've longed to be in for as long as I can remember. All I can suggest is doing something to make it vibrant and new, which you may have done since I havn't read the next installment. I would like to read more.

    4. #4
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      Hey so you like writing huh? I suggest you check out www.eastoftheweb.com/uncut/ It is basically a writing critique website for short stories - you post a story on there, and other members read it and comment on it, and give you constructive feedback. The good thing is that everyone is a writer, and so they can give you some really good feedback, but generally you have to post lots of coments for other people before you will get comments on your own.

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