Thank you for replying. I have been trying most self-help methods I can find, mostly ones I come up with. I keep a journal to help write out my feelings, hoping some secret will pour out that I've kept locked in, but so far, nothing. I've almost given up because even though I enjoy the exercises I have tried, everything just tends to get worse over time. I would love to be able to help myself without having to go someplace, because I know I can, just need direction.
I cannot put into words how I feel sometimes and when I'm asked, and sometimes I think I used the wrong ones. I won't give up on my search for an answer, but I really am having a hard time finding something I can move on from, on my own.
I wouldn't call myself suicidal, because in my heart I know I couldn't do it, not just for fear, but because I have a son and that's not fair.
I do have very vivid "daydream" type situations I put myself in when I get really down, and I think so seriously about these images and how great it would feel if I could, but like I said, it won't happen.
I don't think that's suicidal. Although, realizing this and that I couldn't do it even if I wanted to, makes me feel worse... sounds a little selfish I know.
I will keep trying alternatives until I know for sure that I need help I guess. Anyway, didn't mean to ramble, I guess what I'm saying is I don't know if my own analysis of myself is a good thing, it actually might be making it worse because I tend to over-analyze and the result is a clusterfuck.
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